new to accepting im gay, and already reconsidering...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2008 9:42 AM GMT
    Okay guys, I know im gay, and after 22 years of denying it so to fit in the straight world we all live in, ive accepted it and told close friends and family. They all have accepted me with open arms and a second round o beers, lol. I met an awesome guy on here, he was the one who let me know its okay to be gay and not be flamboyant, and he made the process a lot less painful. This guy was amazing in every sense of the word. He lived in California and I in London Ontario, so if anything were to happen, it wasnt gonna be sex right off the bat, we talked for hours on end, and i couldnt even sleep without talking to him. I knew i had an emotional connection with this guy. Then he left...never online, never returned emails, etc. I was like, wow, so now i know what its like to have ur first crush, well, crushed. I tell myself now tht he was probably sum old man gettin his rocks off and posting a fake profile, it makes me feel less ... i dunno, u all know what i mean.
    So my question to ya'll, how on earth do u meet the right guy if you dont go to the crazy flamer bars or just poke around websites for sex. I mean, thats disgusting. I want a real relationship, with a real guy, read my profile, ull see what im lookin for. I want a guy i could grow old with, adopt kids with, etc. I dont want threesomes, i dont want pride parades, etc, so tell me, am i in the wrong business?? Like seriously, can i be gay and have a normal life and relationship?? Please help.icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 23, 2008 10:10 AM GMT
    I've had the same experience as you. It was special since he's based in the US and I'm all the way here.

    For a couple of weeks we'd talk to each other everyday... on the phone! Add to that the emailing and the chatting.

    Then he disappeared. No answers to email, a recorded message on his mobile. Gawd, I thought he died! (He didn't; he updated his profile pic a few weeks after his "disappearance.")

    - - - - - - - - -

    There's no easy answer, really, except to just get yourself out there. You're 22 and you've got a whole life ahead of you, so who knows where your experiences will take you?

    As they say, love comes from the most unexpected places. In my limited experience, nothing in romance can be planned. And it can be most satisfying that way.

    So be the best person you can possibly be, and let your growth attract the people you want to be with.

    All the best!
  • geebus

    Posts: 216

    Mar 23, 2008 10:11 AM GMT
    rowerboy, you've exactly described my dilemma
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    Mar 23, 2008 10:14 AM GMT
    What you seek is out there Rowerboy. Sometimes you have to take a chance to win the lotto. My best advice is to not give up hope. A day without hope is a wasted day. Keep your chin up and your priorities straight. From reading your profile- I gather you are already on the right path. I see too you have good taste in beer.icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 23, 2008 1:09 PM GMT
    You seem to have a lot of stereotypes about other gay men and what appears to be a fairly negative attitude towards them as well. Not everyone that goes to a gay bar is a "flamer", pride parades have families that go as well and people are on websites for more than sex. If these are kinds of things that normally come out of your mouth then I can see why aren't having any luck.
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    Mar 23, 2008 2:44 PM GMT
    Dont judge all guys based on one guy you met online. Maybe he just grew tired of being online all the time or he may be busy with work or his family. You can meet a good guy anywhere. Online, through co-workers and friends, at the grocery store even at a bar. Dont limit yourself.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Mar 23, 2008 3:01 PM GMT
    I met my partner (who I'm married to now) through LavaLife (ManLine), of all places. And we talked online for 3 months before we met! So don't let that one experience you had get you down for too long. It was only one experience! Maybe try taking things slower, and making some cool gay friends before starting a romantic relationship. Getting to know people of all types is much easier when you don't want anything other than friendship.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Mar 23, 2008 3:02 PM GMT
    I know things are different now, but when I was 22 I made the mistake of getting into a relationship without finding out who I was. The person I was with was controlling and lazy and a drug user, and as I developed my personality being a gay man, what he gave me gave me wasn't what I wanted. So I said c-ya!! He got very angry and we actually fought! He even said to me "I made you!" I met him before I even came out to my family and he was the reason I came out to my family, since I was with him all the time.

    My point is you are 22, just getting started in this lifestyle. You need to get a feel for it. A relationship will come, but you have to let it happen. For now explore and enjoy yourself. Bars and clubs are not a bad thing if you go in with no expectations of meeting the love of your life! Make friends and take it from there.

    And contrary to your belief, some folks who may never go to a bar, will go to a pride parade, because it's about pride in who you are, and it is a nice setting to meet people because it's not a bar atmosphere.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 23, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    You're too young still rowerboy! Don't worry about ALL of that stuff right now. Build your life. Build your social network. Build upon your family ties. Build your career. HE will come along and until he does you'll be blindsided a couple of times, however it's all a part of learning and growing. You're ONLY 22 you have SO much MORE things to do and concentrate on right now. Plus, what you think you want right now out of 'him' will alter and be better defined as you grow.
    It is possible. It is out there. He is out there. Just go with the flow and pay attention to you.
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    Mar 23, 2008 3:25 PM GMT
    Just be yourself, rowerboy, and live your life. Get involved in things you're interested in and you'll meet like-minded people... perhaps even a cute guy with similar passions to your own. I'm a big believer in serendipity and in good things happening when you least expect them to.

    But also don't automatically discount the obvious places to meet guys, like bars and websites. When I first began accepting the fact that I was gay, I too made a big effort to distance myself from all the stereotypes. Now, 10 years later, I don't really care about stuff like that (although drag queens still scare me). I'm confident in myself without caring what other people think when they realize I'm gay.

    All the best to you, and don't worry: You'll do fine.

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    Mar 23, 2008 3:53 PM GMT
    webinfront saidYou seem to have a lot of stereotypes about other gay men and what appears to be a fairly negative attitude towards them as well. Not everyone that goes to a gay bar is a "flamer", pride parades have families that go as well and people are on websites for more than sex. If this is the kind of thing. If these are kinds of things that normally come out of your mouth then I can see why aren't having any luck.
    Sorry.....but I feel you were a wee bit harsh there mate. Not all wrong. As not all people whom goes to gay bars are flamers, but a lot are... The bar I go to, if I went to one, is full of bears, and leather queens. So not have to be in a bar full of flamers. So I go to "str8" bars, if one goes to a pub. It is hard to meet someone at a pub, as it "tis all about getting a fuck, at the end of the night, and then next, and hope it's better than the last one. So families go to watch gay parades. They go to look at animals in cages, and freak shows too.

    Sorry but one felt the kid, mad some legitimate point, and concerns. But you are still welcome to your opinion.
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:02 PM GMT
    Well said Brix.

    Well congrats Rowerboy for coming out to yourself and your family. The hard part's over. I was sort of in the same position as you for a while myself. Especially coming from Oklahoma, where the only out guys are a bit on the flamboyant side.

    I personally decided not too long ago that I wasn't going to date anyone I met online. It's not a bad thing by any means... I've met some GREAT guys online. But when I'm asked how I met my husband, I don't want to say a) on a gay internet site, or b) in a gay bar. With that said, I kinda had to accept the fact that I was gonna get pretty lonely. But I feel that when I DO meet that special guy, it'll be all the more worth it.

    I'm also still REALLY young, and I have much more important things to worry about such as my career, or just getting a job to begin with. I feel that if it's meant to happen, it'll happen. But I'm not going to go looking for it anymore, cuz I'll just end up disappointed.

    Meeting guys does suck, but it's a lot easier if you move to a bigger city. When I moved to LA I discovered that there are a TON more "masculine" guys out there than I could have imagined, and most of them dealt with the same stuff that we all do. Just be careful and keep an open mind, and things will fall into place.
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:14 PM GMT
    rowerboy said: "... it wasnt gonna be sex right off the bat, we talked for hours on end, and i couldnt even sleep without talking to him..."

    Well, that should be the first danger sign. Not that there wasn't going to be sex off the bat, obviously not with the geographic issues you guys had. But that you "...couldn't sleep..." without talking to him. Hey, I have had my share of crushes...but you were having a crush with a virtual person. No matter that you liked his voice, and what he had to say, you had to have created a virtual image of him, based upon his picture. There's nothing the matter with that if you're talking about a simple online friendship or email pal. But to go from that to a romance...that's where you should draw the line, until you meet.

    I disagree with vonsooner (that's rare... :-) ) about internet connections. You can make them, and get great friends, perhaps more out of that. But you do need to meet personally at some point, perhaps sooner than later.

    I do agree with Brix. You never know the situation in which a significant relationship opportunity will crop up. It often comes in situations that you'd never expect. So I would never rule out anything...work, RJ, gym, grocery store...who knows. But you do need to set some boundaries and rules on your own emotions so you don't get hurt, or taken advantage of.

    Finally, you are young. Gad....22 y.o. You have lots of time and lots of opportunity to find a guy, for friendship or a partnership. You can't go back and unmake yourself into a straight person anyway. Good luck.

    John
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:15 PM GMT
    Pattison -

    You missed the point that I was making. Let me try again. Rowerboy's post is loaded with stereotypes that are not accurate. Yes there are effeminate people at gay bars, and yes there are flamboyant people at pride events, but there are also a lot of people that go to both that are not. If Rower doesn't want to go to those things then that is fine and I not encouraging him to do so. But as is not effeminate nor flamboyant I am still put off by people who reinforce stereotypes. I once dated a guy who told me that he liked our sexual interactions more than previous boyfriends because it was more masculine and he likes interaction between to men to me more masculine. I am not sure what the hell he even meant by that other than he was an idiot. Ultimately it was that attitude that lead to the end of our relationship. So my point isn't that Rower should give these things a chance but that he might be scaring people away by trashing gay men that are not like him.
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:26 PM GMT
    I think you are long way away from accepting your homosexuality. Just because your family are ok with it doesn't mean you are.

    Perhaps you could start by being a little less judgemental about other gay men and then you could also, perhaps, lighten up and find ways of enjoying yourself.

    Join a gay group, do some voluntary work for a gay charity, help out on a gay helpline; just try meeting other gay men rather than make sweeping generalisations about what we are supposed to be like.

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    Mar 23, 2008 4:29 PM GMT
    i remember when i was first crushed or heart broken. not so fun. i felt a bit jaded at first, i didn't want to go out to gay bars or be around gays. that lasted about a week! its not only the gays that get heart broken. it's just a part of life and something i think 99% of us will have to go through. be strong my friend. there are all kinds of gays out there! don't change who you are or what you want because you don't see it, that would be the saddest result for sure.
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:30 PM GMT
    @fastprof

    Well I wasn't saying that it's BAD to meet someone online, or that it won't work out... and I agree that you should definitely MEET them before you even consider yourself involved with him. But I was just saying that I, personally, do not want to meet my future husband on the internet or at a gay bar. In other words, I don't want to go LOOKING for a husband... I'd rather leave it up to fate.

    But if you don't believe in fate or God or whatnot, then you have nothing to worry about!


    oh, and web... lighten the eff up.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 23, 2008 4:35 PM GMT
    rowerboy said
    So my question to ya'll, how on earth do u meet the right guy if you dont go to the crazy flamer bars or just poke around websites for sex. I mean, thats disgusting. I want a real relationship, with a real guy, read my profile, ull see what im lookin for. I want a guy i could grow old with, adopt kids with, etc. I dont want threesomes, i dont want pride parades, etc, so tell me, am i in the wrong business?? Like seriously, can i be gay and have a normal life and relationship?? Please help.icon_sad.gif


    It's my opinion that of you want to meet a guy with similar interests to you, you have to get out there and do those things with other people. Want a guy who enjoys the same sport as you? Try to get into a league. That kind of thing.
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:36 PM GMT
    I've had that problem as well. Don't let it discourage you though. Things take time, don't be so quick to reconsider. I do believe that you have to be truly happy with yourself and accept yourself before you can give it 100%. There are a lot of guys on many different sites that are just looking for sex, but there are some out there that are looking for the same thing as you are. Don't be so quick to judge other gay guys based on your opinion from one person. He was a dick, and you'll get that a lot. Just learn from it, as it makes you stronger. And yes, you can be gay and lead a normal life with a normal relationship. Just don't expect it to happen over night. Best of luck, rowerboy.
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:47 PM GMT
    vonsooner saidoh, and web... lighten the eff up.


    He asked a question about how to meet guys and I told him that his general attitude might be a turn off. Really out there on the fringe huh?
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:49 PM GMT
    webinfront said[quote][cite]vonsooner said[/cite]oh, and web... lighten the eff up.


    He asked a question about how to meet guys and I told him that his general attitude might be a turn off. Really out there on the fringe huh?[/quote]


    Maybe a turn-off to you, but that doesn't mean that there's not guys out there that will accept him how he is.
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:55 PM GMT
    lilmaninsc saidMaybe a turn-off to you, but that doesn't mean that there's not guys out there that will accept him how he is.


    I didn't say there weren't but I would also suggest the fact that he posted the question was because they aren't that easy to find. I did offer advice that would open up more options. I know, I am a dick for suggesting a way to help him find someone.

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    Mar 23, 2008 5:00 PM GMT
    webinfront said[quote][cite]lilmaninsc said[/cite]Maybe a turn-off to you, but that doesn't mean that there's not guys out there that will accept him how he is.


    I didn't say there weren't but I would also suggest the fact that he posted the question was because they aren't that easy to find. I did offer advice that would open up more options. I know, I am a dick for suggesting a way to help him find someone.

    [/quote]

    That's not what I meant. I didn't say anything about your advice, just pointing out that he shouldn't have to change himself for anyone.
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Mar 23, 2008 5:01 PM GMT
    ***WARNING - this post engages in light amateur armchair psychoanalysis, which is superficial at best***

    First, congrats on getting more in-sync with yourself and your sexuality.

    Second, to find your "right guy" look for guys who share your interests. As to where to find them: check out gay interest sites such as RealJock, gay or gay-friendly organizations in your local area, or gay personal ads for your area. You also say that you are attending a university; check out university clubs related to your interests and consider attending LGBTQ-interest clubs (such as a Stonewall chapter or a Gay-Straight Alliance).

    Don't set yourself up for "the next guy I meet with must be do or die in terms of an LTR"; even the straight people you are comparing gay people to don't stick to that. Allow yourself to date to the extent you want without pressuring forth some "must-be-undying love."

    Third, get over the "real" relationship hokeiness. Relationships come in all manners of conceivable and inconceivable flavors. Your implied assertion of a monogamous sexual relationship as the normative and therefore "real" is foolish and projective.

    [based on what I read in your original post and "GUYS I'M LOOKING TO MEET"] Recognize that you're not looking for the "real"; you're looking for something that will make you feel secure, a kind of rock you can lean onto during your currently tumultuous life. From the sound of it, you want someone who's an improved version of yourself, who exhibits traits you currently admire.

    Fourth, there is nothing that prevents you from being gay AND having a "normal" relationship (with legal exceptions, if you intend on moving back to the USA). However, your definition of a "normal" relationship will determine its achievability; from your implied definition (where I read "normal" = sexually monogamous), yes, you can have a sexually monogamous gay relationship.
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    Mar 23, 2008 5:02 PM GMT
    webinfront said
    I didn't say there weren't but I would also suggest the fact that he posted the question was because they aren't that easy to find. I did offer advice that would open up more options. I know, I am a dick for suggesting a way to help him find someone.


    It's the way in which you said it:
    "If these are kinds of things that normally come out of your mouth then I can see why aren't having any luck."

    I've come to find that if you want to influence someone, it may be more effective to use a positive approach as opposed to a slap in the face.