First time dating and....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2010 8:31 AM GMT
    He tells me he is positive! While I know that has a negative connotation, it ultimately comes down to my health and a healthy life free of meds.

    I am 25. I have desperately sought for a bf for a long time. I find myself single all the time and it's not because of lack of trying to date. Most I find sweet talk you until either A, they see you aren't going to sleep with them or in the event that you do, it's a 'nice knowing you' type send off after, well, you know. lol.

    This guy is awesome (so far). We went out on a date, had great chemistry, laughed lots and kept in constant contact until recently. When I finally got him on the phone, he broke the news to me that he is positive. Now I'm at a cross roads. All we have done up to this point is make out. However, any relationship starved of sex will fail. Sexual contact is certain with time if I chose to continue seeing him and dating him, but it is with grave consequences. What to do?

    Hopeless in Houston..
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    Dec 31, 2010 8:38 AM GMT
    positive for what? HIV? You could do two things A ditch him or B stay with him. If you take route A you could really miss out on being with a great guy (he could also be a dick though) and well you get rid of the risk of contracting it well from him. Or B you can stick it through and just try to be as safe as you can be in bed with him.

    I won't say to do either cause I wouldn't know what I would do. If I care about him I hope that I would stay with him despite it seeing it like it was nothing other than be safe in the bedroom like every health class says.

    Better advice I think from next guy icon_razz.gif
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    Dec 31, 2010 8:40 AM GMT
    My first boyfriend was HIV positive. To this day I still talk to him. He's an amazing man with no detectable HIV virus in his blood at this point in time. He's one of those cases of mind over matter.

    Who says you can't have a healthy relationship with an HIV positive guy? Relationships don't happen overnight, but watching 75% of my friends be infected over the years doesn't scare me either.

    We can only control who we fall in love with, not who we love.
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    Dec 31, 2010 2:31 PM GMT
    I'm assuming we're talking more than just sex. Would you two consider talking to either a doctor or a counselor at the local gay center for some insight on how to make the sex the safest experience possible? If he is willing to do this, he is as awesome as you stated. Discounting him just because of HIV status, could keep you from a valuable relationship.
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    Dec 31, 2010 2:46 PM GMT
    I think the bigger question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you can handle your bf being HIV+? Cause if it bothers you, then perhaps you might stop kissing and the sex will never happen. If it doesn't then nothing should change your relationship with him. You gotta seriously be honest to yourself about it too. Tough choices man...
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    Dec 31, 2010 3:43 PM GMT
    I know three guys that became HIV pos trying not to get it so
    What are your long term chances? When you lose your job in this economy and don't have health insurance HIV is not too manageable any more.
  • Celticmusl

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    Dec 31, 2010 3:55 PM GMT
    Been there! I hate finding out after a few dates, etc. If I know up front it really doesn't seem like too big of an issue. I don't know why, but finding out later really messes with my mind.....It's like finding out a good friend just recently tested positive or something.....and you get this feeling....like, what else don't I know.

    Anyhow, positive or negative doesn't mean much, but it's good you now know and when the time comes to be intimate you will take precautions. Like someone basically stated earlier, just because he's positive doesn't mean he's a great guy, or vice versa. Just take the dating slow and find out more about the guy before it gets serious.
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    Dec 31, 2010 5:03 PM GMT
    I've thought a lot about this and have sought solid advice from close friends and I just feel so awful but I just can't continue to see him. He's an awesome guy and is funny, good looking and works hard. However, nobody is worth the risk of catching something as serious and deadly as HIV.

    I feel like such a shallow individual. Man...
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Dec 31, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    Perhaps in your mind you have an exaggerated sense of the risk of transmission. Maybe you should become better educated around how couples who are serio-discordant are able to live healthy fulfilling lives without transmitting this particular virus from one to the other.

    Most likely you've already dated other guys who were poz and either didn't know or didn't tell you. This guy was cool enough to tell you.

    You are better off having safer sex with any partners regardless of what they claim about their HIV status. If you are having safer sex, then the risk of any transmission is extremely low.
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    Dec 31, 2010 5:21 PM GMT
    hauptstimme saidWho says you can't have a healthy relationship with an HIV positive guy? Relationships don't happen overnight, but watching 75% of my friends be infected over the years doesn't scare me either.

    what's scary is that at age 29, 75% of your friends are infected. Not sure how many friends you have or what age group you hang with but at that age that seems somewhat out of proportion. Although it's not the death sentence it might have been, it's still a disease worth protecting against.

    I agree that continuing to see the guy and seeing how the relationship blossoms (or dies) would be the first thing, if it ends up not happening then his status is really mute point. If it blossoms, then you deal with it, stay protected and talk openly about what the expectations would be for both of you.
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    Dec 31, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    aggiedude saidI've thought a lot about this and have sought solid advice from close friends and I just feel so awful but I just can't continue to see him. He's an awesome guy and is funny, good looking and works hard. However, nobody is worth the risk of catching something as serious and deadly as HIV.

    I feel like such a shallow individual. Man...
    You should NOT feel shallow. You have to live with yourself and be comfortable in the relationship, if you are not, then it won't work anyway. Thank him for being a nice guy and explain to him that you just haven't come to terms with it and move on. I think you learn and grow from all of this and it does NOT make you a bad person or a shallow individual.
  • TheBrad

    Posts: 116

    Dec 31, 2010 9:39 PM GMT
    aggiedude saidI've thought a lot about this and have sought solid advice from close friends and I just feel so awful but I just can't continue to see him. He's an awesome guy and is funny, good looking and works hard. However, nobody is worth the risk of catching something as serious and deadly as HIV.

    I feel like such a shallow individual. Man...


    Telling a guy "no" because he is positive doesn't make you a shallow person. Telling a guy that you are okay with him being positive doesn't make you the greatest man in the world either. Bottom line to all of this is that you have to look out for yourself.

    I'm pretty sure he had the same sort of idea when he finally decided to tell you he was positive. Get a few dates in, allow you two to get know one another, and then (when he felt comfortable enough) let you know his status. Sounds like he wanted you to get to know him for him and not because of his status.

    So, now that you know, and don't feel comfortable with it, it's best to let it be and move along with life. Be sure to let him know why you're no longer interested, if he doesn't ask you first. After that...move on to the next one and don't stress over it. Rejection happens for many reason. This one...because he was positive.
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    Dec 31, 2010 10:46 PM GMT
    aggiedude saidI've thought a lot about this and have sought solid advice from close friends and I just feel so awful but I just can't continue to see him. He's an awesome guy and is funny, good looking and works hard. However, nobody is worth the risk of catching something as serious and deadly as HIV.

    I feel like such a shallow individual. Man...


    You can't help how you feel, it would not go anywhere if you are nervous when having sex.

    But I would still point out that you are actually less likely to get infected with him than with a random other. Because you know, because he is honest, because safe sex is your only option.

  • Muscmasmat

    Posts: 124

    Jan 01, 2011 2:10 AM GMT
    aggiedude said "However, any relationship starved of sex will fail. Sexual contact is certain with time if I chose to continue seeing him and dating him, but it is with grave consequences."

    I'm not sure what "grave consequences" you mean. You need to educate yourself to understand that you can have safe sex with an HIV+ man, and have a long term, satisfying relationship that includes sex. The only thing is that you cannot have non-condom anal sex ever. And you need to make sure you both have good oral hygiene at all times, and not have sexual activity to bring your unbroken skin and his body fluids into contact.

    Besides the concern about the sex, one thing I would be concerned about this guy is WHY in this day and age, assuming he is of your contemporary age, he is HIV+. This would indicate to me that he has had unprotected sex in the past. I would be more concerned that he does not have good judgement, that he becomes unsafe when he is drunk or on drugs, or something. I would want to know what behaviour he has exhibited in the past to become HIV+. THAT would be more of my concern.

    And you also need to realize as others have mentioned, that you have probably dated HIV+ guys already. Perhaps you should ask them on the first date (or before the date) if they are HIV+. It would save you and him time and avoid embarrassment.