Would this make anyone else uncomfortable?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:18 PM GMT
    I have been dating a guy for some time know who openly admitted to sleeping with woman in the past.

    Initially it didn't bother me as I assumed it was before he started sleeping with men, but then I realized he had been sleeping (with a considerable number) of men over a four year period and then just decided to switch back to woman for a bit.

    He has slept with both close female friends (who he insists I must be friends with and doesn't care if it makes me uncomfortable), and random woman at house parties (who he just decided to lick out in a bedroom upstairs because he was bored).

    I consider myself a fairly open minded guy, but wtf? This makes my ability to trust him so much harder, knowing he has the mindset to get drunk and pretty much screw and fool around with anything he fancies at that moment.

    Would this make anyone else uncomfortable?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:23 PM GMT
    You have not talked about monogamy and open relationships with him yet?

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:27 PM GMT
    we are in a monogamous relationship, but it doesn't take away the paranoia
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:29 PM GMT

    Here's a case where you have a Bisexual male is basically a slut.... I'm bi, and that would make me feel uncomfortable... I would prefer if the guy that was monogamous and loyal, who has not had a string of sexual escapades by switching between men and women..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:34 PM GMT
    So this all happened before you met.

    Well, two things.
    First, he's Bi, so having relations with men then women then men is rather normal, I think.
    Second, you've committed to each other, so you'll have to sit down and examine why you can't trust his commitment.
    Did you not trust him when he told you it was you and no other?
    If you didn't trust him why did you enter a monogamous relationship with him?


    It's hard to imagine someone committing themselves to someone they already felt they couldn't trust.

    -Doug


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:42 PM GMT
    but that is the point, i trusted him before i knew what he had done in the past
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:43 PM GMT
    trice55 saidbut that is the point, i trusted him before i knew what he had done in the past


    OK, let's back up a little here. You committed to and accepted a monogamous commitment from someone you knew nothing about?

    confused -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:48 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    trice55 saidbut that is the point, i trusted him before i knew what he had done in the past


    OK, let's back up a little here. You committed to and accepted a monogamous commitment from someone you knew nothing about?

    confused -Doug


    i knew him from a university sports team for years (just didn't know he was gay until recently), so its not like i just jumped into it
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 02, 2011 6:51 PM GMT
    You trusted him in the past? So what?!

    What you are dealing with is present behavior.

    He is sleeping (read that to mean screwing) with other men and with women.

    Don't try to hide behind misogyny. Face up to your own feelings and DTMFA.*


    Per Dan Savage, that stands for Dump The Mother Fucker Already!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:53 PM GMT
    LJay saidYou trusted him in the past? So what?!

    What you are dealing with is present behavior.

    He is sleeping (read that to mean screwing) with other men and with women.

    Don't try to hide behind misogyny. Face up to your own feelings and DTMFA.*


    Per Dan Savage, that stands for Dump The Mother Fucker Already!



    er, LJay, he hasn't said any of this is happening now. He's talking about his partner's past, before they got together.

    -Doug


    To the OP; you knew still knew little about him. I'm still trying to come to terms with committing to someone monogamously, which is big stuff, without knowing anything about their past, which even so shouldn't matter that much because it's history and he's done nothing since you got together.

    How long HAVE you been together?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:57 PM GMT
    trice55 saidwe are in a monogamous relationship, but it doesn't take away the paranoia

    I'm a little confused. Please forgive my simplistic simplicity. The word monogamous means exclusivity. It doesn't matter what he's getting on the side: men, women, or goats. He's not supposed to have ANY side. Do you have a private sexual side that excludes HIM?

    I can't throw rocks at his past history, because I dated women and was married myself until I came out of denial. But I haven't been with a woman sexually for many years, nor intend to return.

    If he's bi (which I am not) I do always wonder if that's a continuing problem, if any bi man can permanently settle down with a lover from either gender. Would he still not want to switch back and forth? Are you saying he's still doing this with women today?

    That might work with some couples, with firm ground rules and understandings. It doesn't seem to be the case here so far. He's out fucking around and you're not happy, is that what you're saying? (This narrative remains a bit unclear to me)

    If you're gay yourself, I think you need a better arrangement than this. A FAIL in my judgment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 6:59 PM GMT
    Art, it's his partner's history that's bothering him. Before they got together.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:04 PM GMT
    meninlove said Art, it's his partner's history that's bothering him. Before they got together.

    -Doug

    Thanks, it wasn't clear to me if this was purely in the past, or a continuing issue. I was a perfect slut with women for years myself, and now I couldn't look at one sexually. I have to assume a similar thing could apply to the OP's BF, and his concerns would therefore be groundless.

    At the same time, he writes here: "...knowing he has the mindset to get drunk and pretty much screw and fool around with anything he fancies at that moment." Is that all history, or what? This is what confuses me, or I guess more importantly, may be confusing the OP.

    Is he merely worried that past is prologue? Lacking any real evidence, I'd give his lover a pass -- innocent until proven guilty.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:09 PM GMT
    yeah hope everyone gets this happened before we started dating, he is not (at least to my knowledge) still screwing either men or woman now that he is with me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:09 PM GMT
    I think true bisexuality is one of the last bastions of discrimination.

    Most people believe it is all about gay guys not willing to come out to themselves. I think some people like vanilla, some like chocolate, some like strawberry - and some like all three!

    But, in this particular case, the very fine word "slut" comes quickly to mind. Some guys just like sex - whatever they find attractive.

    As always, the best possible advice is to talk to him, ask him what this all means and tell him how it makes you feel. The funny thing about talking to him, however hard it might be for you, is that it will make you feel better.

    Whatever his answer is. At least you know where you stand, and then you can have the personal crisis and the ranty tears for a day or so, and then you will find calm and work out where next to go.

    Believe me
    cronks xx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:15 PM GMT
    lol, cronker said 'ranty tears'

    Happy New Year cronks!

    -us
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:15 PM GMT
    cronker saidI think true bisexuality is one of the last bastions of discrimination.

    Most people believe it is all about gay guys not willing to come out to themselves. I think some people like vanilla, some like chocolate, some like strawberry - and some like all three!

    But, in this particular case, the very fine word "slut" comes quickly to mind. Some guys just like sex - whatever they find attractive.

    As always, the best possible advice is to talk to him, ask him what this all means and tell him how it makes you feel. The funny thing about talking to him, however hard it might be for you, is that it will make you feel better.

    Whatever his answer is. At least you know where you stand, and then you can have the personal crisis and the ranty tears for a day or so, and then you will find calm and work out where next to go.

    Believe me
    cronks xx


    he also claims he is not bisexual. i would understand this if he had slept with woman while he was coming to terms with his homosexuality, but he just randomly started sleeping with woman again 4 years after switching to men. this is what i had a problem with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:16 PM GMT
    How you find them is how you keep them.
    And never trust a gay man. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:18 PM GMT
    insatiablelover206 saidHow you find them is how you keep them.
    And never trust a gay man. icon_rolleyes.gif



    OK, so no one can trust you?

    -Doug

    PS the OP's bf is Bi, not gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:22 PM GMT
    The key phrase in all this is "in the past".

    The other key is that he is disclosing this all to you. If he still had stuff on the side, gender irrelevant, he probably wouldn't be telling you things like this (that is, considering you've both committed to a monogamous relationship).

    People can change. Don't believe the bullsh*t about not trusting men/gay men or once a cheater always a cheater. Yes, men are horndogs but once they find the right one, it can be a complete game changer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:24 PM GMT
    trice55 saidyeah hope everyone gets this happened before we started dating, he is not (at least to my knowledge) still screwing either men or woman now that he is with me

    OK, I amend my above, wasn't clear to me if this was continuing today. So let's reframe this.

    Forget the women issue. Some gay guys in our culture do that, because that's what our society tells us we are supposed to do. And Hell, a hole is a hole, and a man will fuck almost anything his dick will fit into. I know I did, my eyes usually closed, having gay fantasies in my mind.

    The question becomes more universal for gay men: can you ever trust a guy who's played around a lot, with whatever gender, to settle down with YOU and be monogamous? Well, sure! Happens all the time. I've done it, been with other guys who've done it.

    Ya know, a lot of us fuck around to meet as many guys as we can, not only to have to good time, but also to find Mr. Right somewhere among that mob. And when we find him, we don't throw him away. Finding him was always our goal, so why should we jeopardize that?

    I mean, he was our objective, now the hunt ends, as we hoped it would some day. Cue Phase Two of our lives, the settled happy married life.

    Is that what this guy wants, and that you want? I have no idea. Try it on for size, see if it fits. But don't prejudge and anticipate him too much. His past may not be his prologue. He may be looking into your eyes and seeing his future. Now that I understand this thing better, I'd give him a chance. Maybe he's really bi, which concerns me long-term, but maybe like me he was just struggling with being gay. Time will tell.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:27 PM GMT
    insatiablelover206 saidHow you find them is how you keep them.
    And never trust a gay man. icon_rolleyes.gif


    That is a very cynical and distrustful comment, and a way of thinking that won't help you in the long term.

    It's very probably been instilled in you through the lost loves you have had, and equally by media, family, and friends.

    You would help your heart better by thinking that you can, and will find the very best man for you.

    love cronks xx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:32 PM GMT
    who cares. He sounds like he is hot. Get that punaan.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:34 PM GMT
    The original poster is needy and insecure. His boyfriend is going to do whatever, and there's not much he can do about it.

    If the boyfriend admitted to whatever he's up to, well, then, the OP needs to accept that's who the boyfriend IS. If boyfriend is saying that's who he is, then, he SHOULD be trusted for being open and honest. Sure beats a sneaky snake closet case.

    Sex IS NOT love, nor it is an indication of love. It's SEX.

    Sometimes, folks confuse love and sex. They are NOT the same.

    Every person, in their own situation, gets to decide what's acceptable to them.

    Worrying about scenarios is wasted, negative, energy. Either you trust someone, or don't.

    To some folks, in fact, MANY folks, sex is a leisure activity. To others, especially those with false belief systems, sex is elevated to something it really isn't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2011 7:38 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidThe original poster is needy and insecure. His boyfriend is going to do whatever, and there's not much he can do about it.

    If the boyfriend admitted to whatever he's up to, well, then, the OP needs to accept that's who the boyfriend IS. If boyfriend is saying that's who he is, then, he SHOULD be trusted for being open and honest. Sure beats a sneaky snake closet case.



    Chucky, the OP's bf did all this before they got together, not after. The OP should be talking to his monogamous bf about this instead of airing it on a public forum.