Boyfriend doesn't acknowledge relationship online.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 7:01 AM GMT
    Tell me what you guys think and what I should do because right now I am just full of confusion, sadness and sorrow.

    So, my bf and I have been together for about 4 months now. He is 38 and I am 20. We have amazing chemistry, even though communication is lacking. He's said that he doesn't like "labels" and that I understand, but to go as far as not acknowledge it is bizarre.

    He has an Adam4adam and a Manhunt account, and on there he still doesn't acknowledge that he's in a relationship. He's still listing that he is "looking for" ltr, dating, fucking, one on one, group, etc. He even says that he is "newly single."

    Just today he uploaded more pics that were locked/private, and I just don't understand what the motivation behind it is. I only go on from time to time to like check things, but I clearly say that I am NOT looking for anything.

    I spent New Years with him and felt like we were "tight," but now seeing this I just feel so lost. We're going to be away from each other for about two months, cause I have school/college, and now I just feel like I can't trust him in being faithful.

    Thoughts, what should I do? icon_sad.gif
    What are somethings I should consider thinking about?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 7:07 AM GMT
    Men are pigs. He's obviously still looking for someone to fuck even before you separate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 7:11 AM GMT
    I hate this feeling so much. It is really going to eat me alive for the next few days or weeks, if not months. It's like how can you or how do you trust someone who goes onto sites like these and say these kind of things?

    Surely someone on here could help me out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 7:28 AM GMT
    You confront him and let him know how you feel.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 9:41 AM GMT
    Hey look just for your own well being, to be truly honest this guy seriously sounds like a waste of your time.

    If you can, I would probably not invest anymore into this guy because he's gonna take you for all you've got and leave you high and dry. You deserve better and doesn't really sound like a keeper.

    His excuse of 'labels' I think is his way of trying to justify keeping you on the side while he keeps looking for something else.

    Tell him how you feel, I mean I could be wrong, but if in the event he doesn't want to acknowledge the relationship, I'd probably end it there.

    Anyway best of luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 12:12 PM GMT
    tru_guyThoughts, what should I do?


    Time to have a talk. If you can't have one, then it's time to rethink the relationship.

    Doesn't that age difference affect the relationship?
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jan 03, 2011 12:28 PM GMT
    I would move on from this guy. Wouldn't you like to be single back at college? Maybe find a boyfriend closer to your age? Or at least a boyfriend not actively seeking an oppertunity to cheat on you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 12:52 PM GMT
    I think one or all of these things is possible:

    1. The older BF isn't sure this relationship will last, so keeping his online profiles actively listed as single is his insurance, keeping his options open.
    2. Some guys like their egos stroked on these sites, and reporting themselves as single, and uploading new pics, gets them the favorable attention they crave.
    3. Anticipating the upcoming separation due to college, he's making sure he won't go without during those 2 months.
    4. He's already getting hook-ups on the side.

    With the possibility of number 2 above being the sole motivation for this behavior, the BF doesn't sound very committed to the OP. When a guy says he doesn't want to be "labeled" that's often a code word for not being "limited" in terms of his sex life.

    Fortunately college can be a great place to find a new BF. Or at least enjoy the company of other gay men, especially if they have a campus gay student organization. The priority at college is passing with good grades, so I'd advise turning the attention away from this guy and not fretting about him. He appears to be making his own plans already.
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    Jan 03, 2011 12:58 PM GMT
    tru_guy saidI hate this feeling so much. It is really going to eat me alive for the next few days or weeks, if not months. It's like how can you or how do you trust someone who goes onto sites like these and say these kind of things?

    Surely someone on here could help me out.


    That's terrible, you deserve more. Clearly this guy has no respect for you. Drop his sorry ass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 12:59 PM GMT
    I just don't want to come off as "too attached" or "overdramatic" when I talk to him about this.

    I had seen the Manhunt tab on his Internet Explorer page when we were spending time together over New Years (I spent about 5 days at his place). I decided to not bring it up because I didn't want to ruin New Years, but inside I was super down.

    However, he's said to me that he is not a cheater type of guy. And that if he wanted a quickie, he would just jack off.

    One thing to clear up though: He does acknowledge us as "boyfriends" when we're together, it's just online that it seems shady.

    How did you guys go about confronting your BFs about something like this?
  • omgazn

    Posts: 342

    Jan 03, 2011 1:06 PM GMT
    well he is obviously trying to look for a little extra on the side why else would he post more private pics. i would confront and if he still decide to be single them grant him his wish. your young and there will be plenty of fish in the ocean for you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 03, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    He's isn't being serious about your relationship and one thing you probably don't want to hear.....if you don't have communication, you don't have a relationship!

    If took your relationship as seriously as you do... he'd erase his Manhunt and Adam accounts and put the time he was spending there into your relationship. As sad as it makes you, I'd probably be prepared to move on.
    You sound like a nice guy.. you need somebody who treats you that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 1:34 PM GMT
    I guess I have a "gut" feeling that he is not as invested in this as I am. I'm prepared for the heartbreak, I'm just wondering if there is a way I could resolve this without breaking up though.

    I don't want to think about the "10 years from now" idea, I just want to focus on the present.

    He's not the type to be read easily, so I can never ever tell how he feels...about anything except the obvious things like work, etc.
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    Jan 03, 2011 1:38 PM GMT
    Art_Deco saidI think one or all of these things is possible:

    1. The older BF isn't sure this relationship will last, so keeping his online profiles actively listed as single is his insurance, keeping his options open.
    2. Some guys like their egos stroked on these sites, and reporting themselves as single, and uploading new pics, gets them the favorable attention they crave.
    3. Anticipating the upcoming separation due to college, he's making sure he won't go without during those 2 months.
    4. He's already getting hook-ups on the side.

    With the possibility of number 2 above being the sole motivation for this behavior, the BF doesn't sound very committed to the OP. When a guy says he doesn't want to be "labeled" that's often a code word for not being "limited" in terms of his sex life.

    Fortunately college can be a great place to find a new BF. Or at least enjoy the company of other gay men, especially if they have a campus gay student organization. The priority at college is passing with good grades, so I'd advise turning the attention away from this guy and not fretting about him. He appears to be making his own plans already.


    I agree with Art. You need to resolve this issue for better or for worse before school starts up again. Otherwise, you'll have an impossible time of focusing on your grades because you're distracted with what you think he's doing behind your back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    Ok, well I sent him an mail at like 12am on MH saying:

    "New pics eh?

    Sure you're still single? lol, I mean, you can be honest with me. I guess it just makes me wonder reading what's here on Manhunt."

    Just check it again awhile ago, and he was online for a bit and then off, and hasn't replied to my message.

    I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he just simply didn't check any mail.

    I just hate the idea that he's ignoring me online.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 1:58 PM GMT
    two words

    "Check Please?"

    Then run like the wind. At your age you should have dozens of guys crawling up your ass or dancing on your dick.. Go out and meet some your own age. Looks like you caught a loser
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    It's hard just trying to find a guy who's around 20 that isn't into the club, bar scene. That's just never really been my place.

    I guess, I'm just very inexperienced, and look for guidance.

    Anyway, he owns a business that is just starting to boom right now so he's busy most times.

    It's like he's not sure that he wants me but he's not sure enough to let me go. I know that I love him, but this has been emotionally draining for me.

    a4a and MH makes it worse. but to be fair, we met on a4a, one thing led to another and we've been together exclusively in a monogamous relationship ever since for about 5 months now.

    This newfound behavior though makes me question his feelings, intentions, words, and character all together. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 2:30 PM GMT
    Maybe his persona on MH and a4a is a fantasy, just for fun, and not representative of his real life. In which case, he wouldn't post entirely true information about himself, like relationship status.

    I would suggest you be honest and genuine, and if you are a clingy or dramatic kind of guy, make sure that you don't fake some other personality traits, otherwise the dishonesty charge will be against you.
  • turbid2wenty

    Posts: 74

    Jan 03, 2011 2:54 PM GMT
    tru_guy saidOk, well I sent him an mail at like 12am on MH saying:

    "New pics eh?

    Sure you're still single? lol, I mean, you can be honest with me. I guess it just makes me wonder reading what's here on Manhunt."

    Just check it again awhile ago, and he was online for a bit and then off, and hasn't replied to my message.

    I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he just simply didn't check any mail.

    I just hate the idea that he's ignoring me online.


    Three things coming to mind here:

    1. You need to actually have a conversation with him, Sending an email on MH doesn't count, and you need to take the bull by the horns on this one. Wouldn't it be much easier to come to some resolution through a direct, in-person talk?

    2. At what point did you discuss the 'terms' of your relationship? Did you both agree that the relationship is monogamous, or is that just what you think it is?

    3. There's a huge difference between sex and intimacy. He might be logging on to look at hot pics, watch guys on cam, chat dirty, and ultimately get off. So what? It's fantasy, and regardless of how hot you might be, he's still a dude and he's still going to think about having sex with other dudes. Doesn't mean that he will, but there's no guy on earth that sheds his carnal reaction.
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    Jan 03, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    Animus said
    Art_Deco saidI think one or all of these things is possible:

    1. The older BF isn't sure this relationship will last, so keeping his online profiles actively listed as single is his insurance, keeping his options open.
    2. Some guys like their egos stroked on these sites, and reporting themselves as single, and uploading new pics, gets them the favorable attention they crave.
    3. Anticipating the upcoming separation due to college, he's making sure he won't go without during those 2 months.
    4. He's already getting hook-ups on the side.

    With the possibility of number 2 above being the sole motivation for this behavior, the BF doesn't sound very committed to the OP. When a guy says he doesn't want to be "labeled" that's often a code word for not being "limited" in terms of his sex life.

    Fortunately college can be a great place to find a new BF. Or at least enjoy the company of other gay men, especially if they have a campus gay student organization. The priority at college is passing with good grades, so I'd advise turning the attention away from this guy and not fretting about him. He appears to be making his own plans already.


    I agree with Art. You need to resolve this issue for better or for worse before school starts up again. Otherwise, you'll have an impossible time of focusing on your grades because you're distracted with what you think he's doing behind your back.



    I'm with Art and Animus; settle this with a talk. As HndsmKansan says, without communication you don't have a relationship.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 5:22 PM GMT
    I think the older guy is hedging his bets, and having a bird, or two, or three, or so..in the bush.

    The 20 year old needs to take it for what it is...not much.

    If the older guy was taking stuff that seriously he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. He's working his "Plan B" as it were.

    If the 20 year old is smart, he'll move on to another "relationship."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2011 5:41 PM GMT
    I agree with Chuckystud. The older guy is hedging his bets. The only reason guys have accounts on a4a and manhunt is to hook up with other men. There ain't much social networking going on in these websites!

    I don't think he's taking the relationship as seriously as you are. It's time to concentrate on finding playmates your own age. Bars and clubs can be great fun perhaps you're a bit scared of them. Does your college have a gay soc where you can meet guys your own age and who are at the same point in their lives as you?
  • 8Always_Hard8

    Posts: 496

    Jan 03, 2011 5:56 PM GMT
    Break up with him. If he cant have a serious relationship with you by changing that he is "dating someone" on his profile then he is not for you. I would end it and leave for the two months... tell him he needs someone more committed and can be serious about a relationship with you. Maybe the 2 months you are away will open his eyes and show how much you really ment to him
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jan 03, 2011 6:23 PM GMT
    tru_guy saidI hate this feeling so much. It is really going to eat me alive for the next few days or weeks, if not months. It's like how can you or how do you trust someone who goes onto sites like these and say these kind of things?

    Surely someone on here could help me out.


    You talk to him about it. Either you're on the same page regarding relationships structures, rules, philosophy, etc. or not.

    If you're not on the same page: you talk some more and make some decisions.
    If, he says you are on the same page, and still has stuff like that up (which you don't seem cool with) ...well then I would assume he's probably not the most trustworthy of fellows (at least in the regard in question).

    As for how you trust people? Well, that's another topic. A combination of faith and educated inference. Not looking so hot at the moment. So talk already.
    (And why are you on those sites if you find their general purpose counter to your concept of a faithful relationship??? icon_neutral.gif)

    Edit: "Talk to him" does not mean send him a smarmy email. It means sit down and talk to him face-to-face without getting upset and with earnest interest in his perspective.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jan 03, 2011 6:29 PM GMT

    icon_exclaim.gifThis is important.icon_exclaim.gif

    tru_guy saidI know that I love him...


    You don't have good communication with him. You don't know him well enough to even know if you can trust him. You don't love him.

    You can't love him because you don't even know him. You may be in love, but it's not with him, it's with a guess and a hope. It's with who you think (/want) him to be. Perhaps that guess and hope will turn out to be very similar to who he is. But you're doing both you and him a disservice by saying you love him when you clearly don't know who he is.

    This is one of the biggest (and in some ways cruelest) mistakes people regularly make. (It's okay to not know who he is, this can take time, but you need to know it or you will probably make many mistakes and 'cause both of you undue pain.)