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so im at the point where i know im gay but masculine enough so that no one knows. ive been considering if i want to come out and if i do, how to do it.. mostly afraid of broken friendships, etc. anyone got any advice or stories of their coming out?

ONLY YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE READY TO COME OUT IT IS A BIG THING TO GO TRU . SURE YOU MAY LOOSE SOME GOOD FRIENDS BUT IF THEY CANNOT ACCEPT YOU FOR YOURSELF AND LOVE YOU FOR YOU THEN THEY ARENT REALLY TRUE FRIENDS.I KNOW FROM PERSONAL EXP THAT IF YOU DONT IT WILL EAT AT YOU. GOOD LUCK AND JUST REMEMBER THAT GAY ST8 BI DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE PERSON YOU ARE!

Hi Boulder,you asck for advice about comming out realy only you can answere that one, you will know when it is the right time for you, but give it careful thought it can be very costly not only to you but to friends, family,and relationships ,college,career, GOOD LUCK.

Hey boulder, great topic by the way. It's been my exprience that most people figure the secret by the time you reach a certian age. The people you thought don't know actually do, and the ones you thought that do know, didn't have a clue. Most guys that think they are totally unclockable aren't. As for coming out, do it at your own pace. The weight that will come off of your cheat will be amazing. Trying to hide who you is never easy. GOOD LUCK!!!!

yeah. i have a pretty good story. I totaled my dads mercedes, so in order to soften the blow, I came out to him first, them told him i crashed his mercedes.

Right on, Cityguy... plan your approaches in consideration of the feelings of others BUT if others are uncomfortable with your statement of reality? Well, give them time to examine why they might 'prefer' you live in fear and hiding...

Remember 'THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.'

Hi Boulder

It's great you are considering coming out. Because, no matter what the opinions/reactions of others, it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

Life is too short to hide who or what you are for fear of offending people. if your friends and family can't expect you as you are, then screw them, they're not really worthy of you.

I've been on a Lesbian and Gay helpline for over 15 years and have heard 100's of coming out stories. And I have found that there is no easy or correct way of doing it. It depends on timing, circumstances and the people involved. I have found however, from speaking to those who haven't come out and regretted it in later life, that after weighing things up it really will will be the best thing you ever do (look I'm repeating myself).

Good luck mate (fingers crossed)

Loz

I came out to a very close male friend of mine who just so happened to be struggling with his own sexual attraction to males. He's still my friend, but no so close anymore as whenever we see each other we are aware of our possible attraction or attraction to other males. Based on this awkward experience, I will stay in the closet unless events force me to come out. By that time I would have expected to start over socially anyway.

I think you'll be suprised at the response you'll get from people. And you'll find out who you're real friends are.

I came out to friends and family when I was 16. Although my family is conservative, growing up in liberal Northern California made it easier. However, it's still a huge step. Trust me though, as soon as you do it you will feel a huge weight lifted off you. In fact, you'll never feel better.

Most guys think that because they are masculine, somehow they won't fit in with the 'gay' crowd. The fact is most gay men are very masculine and sports minded... but of course the only ones you can pinpoint as gay are the stereotypes...My point is if you say no one knows you're gay because of your masculinity, then it's very likely there are plenty of masculine guys all around you that are gay to.

Hi, I'm actually out only to a few close friends, but after much thought -- I may want to look for an LGBT group because I feel pretty torn -- by what people think of me, by my own judgmental thoughts of how I should behave, etc.

hey, this is 2007 and being gay is much more accepted these days. your parents are smart and may know already. for me, i started conversing with other gay people and meeting some really great and nice people. as a result of this coming-out was easy for me bacause i was so happy to be associated with the types of guys I was making friends with. if you date someone this becomes even better - you are so proud of your relationship and so happy you just want to scream from the rooftops that you are in love with this person and it is a guy...go for it and good luck.

Well, I am asian and I have only been here in the States only for 6 months and will remain for another 1 year. Because of the different context and especially anonymity in NYC, I thought it's easier to "come out", but I was wrong. I was uptight and kept my mouth shut even though my classmates were talking around rather open issues. Maybe because I didn't "trust" them enough.. or maybe I didn't trust myself enough to take that step forward.

That was a great story about the Mercedes crashing. I actually used the idea of coming out to my parents (by leading with that topic, but not coming out with it at the time) to cushion the blow of my getting a tattoo. Like everyone says here, you can't say when, you only know when it is an issue that you can't avoid anymore. For me, it was after my mom found someone in my bed. I'm dating a guy that is waiting for something like that to happen to him. There are lots of situations that preclude us from "getting it over with" but the truth is that only people who should know -need to know, and you should get the burden off your shoulders with them because chances are they were just waiting for you to say something. worst case scenario-- you lose them. That's better than death so what do you really have to lose.

I agree with the others who have said that you will know when it feels like the right thing to do - to come out to someone you care about. It has been a great relief many times for me. An example: with my mom, I thought she already had figured out that I was gay, and by my not having that conversation with her there was this invisible "wall" between us that prevented me from being completely honest with her. When I told her (while she was driving a car I was riding in iwht her - not a recommended time , in hindsight) she said she had no idea I was gay and she loved me anywway.
Another example: with my dad 6 months later, he simply said, "Well, I kind of thought you were, and if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me." And we went back to watching the game on TV.

Best of luck to everyone at the difficult moment of coming out - it can be tough, but it's ultimately personally releiving.
Peace- JC

Heya Boulder,

As I explained to a guy I was seeing years ago who was at that crossroads... You can't live your life under a barrel. What makes your life worth living is the relationships you develop with others. You can't create a real connection with someone when you're busy concealing a huge facet of who you are.

Coming to terms with being gay is a big challenge, it can take a long time, but the rewards of being free of the secret is worth it.

I would suggest coming out to a close friend or a relative you trust first. You need to get a feel for what to expect from people as you come out so you can be better prepared. A friend or trusted relative is a good place to start because if the worst happens and the relationship is damaged, well, it's just a friend, it could be worse.

I came out progressively over a couple of years this way, ultimately sitting my parents down once I was prepared and equipped to deal with their concerns.

Always remember, it took you X number of years to deal with you being Gay, cut your friends and family some slack and know it'll take em some time to come around. Once you've come out it's your job to answer questions and prove to them that you haven't changed. You, and maybe some friends or your boyfriend some day are going to be their main example that gay guys are nothing to be freaked out about.

What you need to do is get ready to answer questions.... And be patient. It'll be frustrating, but I promise, it'll be worth it in the end. Any one whom you lose because of this wasn't worth your time in the first place.

Good luck mate

i surprisingly lost no friends over my coming out. I was shocked and amazed at how cool and accepting all of them were about it. Everyone. My teammates, my fraternity brothers, hell even my professors were cool with it. It's a very powerful and uplifting experience if you're in the right situation.

Having said that, don't do it if you don't feel comfortable or if you don't think you're ready for it. It will happen when it happens. Don't try and force something before it's ready.

Most will accept, most will be pretty cool and some will be genuine with it too.

I think you will find as you come out you are less likely to lose friends because of it but more because you are more comfortable being you. You may start to openly move in different circles and because of that you can lose contact with existing friends.

As long as you dont over embrace your new "outness" you'll be ok

Hey Boulder - only you will know when its time. I am 38 years old and have known I am gay since highscool...made some real poor judgement calls in my life so to that end, I am still in the closet (thus my screen name) BUT I have made several friends who are gay and know what I am going through. It helps to surround yourself with friends - people who will accept you no matter what. Being gay is who you are....and if people are not willing to accept you for the person you are - then they truly are not your friends. Wishing you the Best....

Boulder good luck, I am single now and never been with a women. My Dad retired 2 years ago and left me with the family business. After all said and done he told me that the thing that would make him most happy would be to see me settle down with a wife and start a family. My heart sunk! I took a deep breath and responded, "dad, when the right person comes along and I know he will, I will then settle down." My dad looked at me and Said, "Son, you are the most prescious thing to me and if you feel that a man will make you the happiest person in the world, then so be it." It was both the hardest thing to say but the most liberating experience of my life. My dad hugged me for about 5 minutes in a Manhattan restaurant, he cried, I cried, we smiled and laughed all at the same time. I came out to him at 35 years of age and for 20 years I walked around with this huge weight on my shoulders. I live with a guy for 11 years "as a roomie" lol - To make a long story short, my dad told me later that he knew "what was going on" and it is not because either of us were feminine in any way. But he knew.

People know and they are not suprized when you tell em. You need not blast the world either with the news, it is none of their business. Boulder good luck!

To NICE_BUT_NOT_EASY:

That was a very moving story. Thank you for sharing that so openly. It certainly touched me a lot...

I have a "theory" -- that for parents who do not live in a society who know much about gays (e.g. in certain Asian countries), then it is harder to assume that they kinda guessed you are gay. Knowledge of gay movements in the States, I think, has opened people's views that diversity does occur. But I just fear that in certain societies/countries, people are not so "knowledgeable" or gay-conscious.

I doubt my mom really knows what it means for her son to be gay.

We all fear being rejected by society, but a sign of Maturity is knowing that you must be true to yourself first in order to have self respect, if your life is spent faking reality and thinking you can be happy hiding, you will not be a happy person on the inside.

My parents are lost in religious stupidity, they happily sarcrificed their child on the alter of their fictitous God.

I think the book that helped me the most and changed my life if Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, it taught me the value of Individulism in a culture were people think an Ant or Bee hive is an evolutionary movment forward, not backward.

Jim

If you are masculine , you should never apply the word Gay to yourself it’s a contradiction in terms .Gay is good for everyone ,aspect for any masculine man who is attracted to his own sex .never come out . Just be yourself ,let things come naturally ,let people take you as human bean not a Gay man , leav the Gay thing to campness , show men and weak willed communities that produce clones and cyber . Gays don’t have the monopoly on same sex activity and relationships this existed pre Christianity and men who loved men fort great wars in ancient Greece and Rome .You have the right be attracted to man as a masculine man and not necessarily as Gay man but as a masculine man .

Dear Boulder,

I found that for me it was a gradual thing. My parents and siblings found out when I was 17. Some of my friends found out around that time, but I pretty much kept it on the downlow--not sure how I felt about it.

When I moved to Honolulu, I met my first and only boyfriend. I was not expecting to find him--at all. A week after we met, there was a function that I wanted to bring him to. Now, I spent most of my professional and even personal life "passing" as straight. I personally don't think that it is anybody's business whom I bring to my bed. Full Disclosure: I am bi-sexual, so this does go back and forth.

With this new person in my life, I decided that I never want someone that I love to feel that I might be ashamed of them or our relationship, so it was then that I started to let people know that we were dating. It was a bit chaotic, but my true friends stayed close are still quite supportive.

For me it helped that I first accepted myself as a gay/bi man. No amount of acceptance from anyone else will make up for you being okay with you. When I did this, I became able to face anyone and any situation.

I still don't advertise that I like to sleep with men or women for that matter. When I meet someone that I find attractive and intelligent, I let them know that I enjoy both. That way they can make an informed decision.

I have found that this has resulted in highly engaging and healthy relationships. And while I am no longer with that first boyfriend, I will always be grateful for everything that we learned together.

Remember, this is all about you. Move at your pace--that is something that you know better than anyone else.

Good luck.

Big Angry 1

soooo.. i came out to 5 of my closest friends today and it felt like such a load off my shoulders.. :)

Wahey Boulder

Good news on you starting to come-out.

Have a great valentines.

Loz

Good for you Boulder! :)

I found the coming out process was a little taxing but like others have said, if you try to hide it or deny it it will eat away at you inside.
I had come out to most of my close friends and they have all supported me over the years.
The people I didn't tell for a long time was my family. I feared that they wouldn't understand growing up in the 1940-1950's. It was actually my accident, unpacking for my new house, my mom found by 2QT2BSTR8 coffee mug. She gently teased me about it "What does "be straight" mean?"
My dad told her to let it go. A week later she asked me and I said "Yes, I'm gay. Are you mad or disappointed?" Being an only child, I felt the internal pressure to live the "American Dream" wife, kids, picket fence et cetera. But my mom was very understanding and said she loved me for who I am. She was empathetic saying it must be hard for me living in a small Northern Ontario community.
I've been with my partner for 2 years now and they love him like he's their son. It's the same the other way.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is, you'll be amazed at the reaction you will get from people.
On the flipside, I only had one negative reaction from a coworker -- someone who I thought would have been okay with my sexuality. Surprise. :O He's now longer working with my company because of harassing me. Nuff said.
Take care Boulder and wishing you all the best.
Bill

good luck boulder... when I came out to my best friend, I was so nervous about it, cause he was the first one I told really. It was not easy, I eased into the topic, nervous about what could happen after I break the news.

In the end, not only did my friend not reject me, but he told me that he knew a long time ago, and was wondering when I would actually come out and say it to him. So you might be pleasantly surprised when you tell your friends. And trust me, when you do, it's a brand new experience with them. You are no longer living a secret... you're living period!

Heh don't be TOO sure that your loved ones don't already know. People can be very perceptive when you least exect it.

When I started comming out to my friends and family on new years eve, my best bud and his girlfriend said "Yea, we already knew. We were just waiting for you to accept it and come out to us". Then they both gave me a hug and we drank a toast to being true to oneself. When I came out to my daad the next day he said he kinda already figured that lol.

I was starting to believe I didn't hide it as well as I though I did...and MOST of the people in my life had already figured it out.

The good thing is that everyone that I care for has been 100% accepting of me and are glad that I am happy and ME.

That's the big thing, everyone I told always said "There is no change, you are still you."

I wish you only the best and happiest of times.

Move forward.

Don't worry about drama.

Once you get honest, everything will fall into place.

Life is to short to be so self-involved.

You're a fag. So what? Who cares? Get over it.

It sounds like you have the situation in hand. I think the best approach is to move forward and evaluate. Do it in a way that makes sense to you and you are comfortable. As you move forward, make sure you have friends or family around you that accept you no matter what. So long as you have that, if you encounter some bumps.. its not as major.

Best of luck.

Just do it!

I've been out since I was 20. Well, I was outted and honestly, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Regardless of how masculine or feminine you are, just be open w/ who you are. If friends and family don't like it and want you to change ... fuck them.

This is YOUR life.

I won't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that for me it was one of the best things to happen to me. were there broken friendships andrelationships? a few... but the ones that I have made have been so much more rewarding and valuable.

good luck, boulder18... you're gonna be fine.

U know I so agree with with the guy beneith your initial post said. If they cant except you they arent "good friends" bro. A best friend is there no matter what, i mean unless you like go on a murderous killing spree or fuck a couple of goats or something LOL. But for real, A true friend and loving family loves you despite your sexual preferance or flaws. You will lose what you thought were good friends who were really surface friends and gain true loving ones.

Remember bro, you take care of you. No matter what you go through, you will pay your rent, wash yourself, pay your bills, drive yourself to work etc. And if you know whats goin on in that heart , mind and what your penis is desiring then you have to go for that.

good luck to you!
-Ted

boulder18 saidso im at the point where i know im gay but masculine enough so that no one knows. ive been considering if i want to come out and if i do, how to do it.. mostly afraid of broken friendships, etc. anyone got any advice or stories of their coming out?

hey man

i was 15 when i came out,i thort it would be hard and it was,but hey im glad i did i feel like im me were as before i felt like i was hiding some thing.there are times were people bag me,dad an me have a blue.but he i made the choice and im glad i did.i feel so sorry for people that dont,i havnt had the easyest life and if i can come out in a small homophic town you can do it to,man your massive u look like ud kill any one who'd bag u i wouldnt be game 2 say hi let alone bag u

Thank you for posting this boulder

I'm in the same situation as you.

You know your community and enviroment better than us ... it can be dangerous or good for your self image ..
Try to talk with people who already came out and ask them about what they've been through ..

GOOD LUCK

we do all realize this thread was started just over a year ago yes?

My story is ... I told my best friend then my friend told everyone else. A very life changing experience. But I have no regrets ....

Coming out is a lot easier today than ever, but not everywhere. There is no fast recipe, especially for somebody from an ultra-religious community and family. My luck is that my ex-wife outed me (in a vicious manner) to the adult world and then I outed myself to my two teenage sons, who didn't care, and later to my arch-conservative father. The upshot is that those who loved me accepted me. More importantly, I accept my sexuality and have come to love who I am.

Maintain integrity and virtue by being honest. Somebody knows...likely your mom, or dad. You probably aren't as good at being deceitful as you might think.

Don't let your sexuality define your life. It's only a part of who you are and becoming self-centered, self-loathing, or absorbed by it, is an exercise that is futile, and self-defeating.

Come to like yourself, being a man of virtue and integrity and everything else will follow. Those who love you unconditionally will continue to do so; those who have issues with will expose themselves and you can get them out of your life. This should all be a non-issue as you develop proper self-esteem, and self-confidence, in your walk through life.

Like I said, come to like yourself, and the rest will follow.

Realize, that this is all "normal" and only when you think of yourself as having a "condition" do you empower those who would strike you down. By having virtue, confidence, and a basic self-love, you take all that away from any detractors, and empower yourself.

boulder hope all is going well let us know what is going on, Im in the same situation at the moment its hard but i think you need to take small step. Im taking very small steps but I'm happy and slowly geting their, and thank you real jock