So frustrating O_O

  • Markebri

    Posts: 110

    Jan 04, 2011 6:01 AM GMT
    Talk about taking my sweet old time. I recently separated with a good friend of mine who I've know for a good 5 years. We dated for the first 3 years but never established a relationship with each other. Stupid on my part, but I wasn't ready to introduce him to my family since I didn't tell them of my sexuality yet. He has recently began dating a guy who is more of his age, informing me he isn't getting any older and thinks our age difference would've be problematic in the future since I'm 25 and he is in his mid 40s.

    He has already met the guy's family and the guy has met his mother, which was very hurtful to me. I know it sounds very childish but I'm purely jealous about how I was replaced because of an age difference and lack on my part of not being comfortable about introducing him to my family. I finally came out to my parents this past New Year's Eve, telling them everything including my past relationship with this guy.

    I've confided in this man, knowing I truly love him regardless of his age because how genuine and amazing our chemistry was. Since we've split I've had no interest in dating other guys, or sleeping with them in that matter. Having to put my cat down as well didn't help matter since I had a sense of yearning to be comforted by him, which isn't possible at this time.

    We are still on talking terms but I'm respectful of not intruding on him and his boyfriend. I savor our friendship but it's difficult to accept this decision he has made. What should I do fellow RJers?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 6:35 AM GMT
    you weren't replaced because of age, you were replaced because he couldn't be part of your life..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 6:39 AM GMT
    Markebri saidTalk about taking my sweet old time. I recently separated with a good friend of mine who I've know for a good 5 years. We dated for the first 3 years but never established a relationship with each other. Stupid on my part, but I wasn't ready to introduce him to my family since I didn't tell them of my sexuality yet. He has recently began dating a guy who is more of his age, informing me he isn't getting any older and thinks our age difference would've be problematic in the future since I'm 25 and he is in his mid 40s.

    He has already met the guy's family and the guy has met his mother, which was very hurtful to me. I know it sounds very childish but I'm purely jealous about how I was replaced because of an age difference and lack on my part of not being comfortable about introducing him to my family. I finally came out to my parents this past New Year's Eve, telling them everything including my past relationship with this guy.

    I've confided in this man, knowing I truly love him regardless of his age because how genuine and amazing our chemistry was. Since we've split I've had no interest in dating other guys, or sleeping with them in that matter. Having to put my cat down as well didn't help matter since I had a sense of yearning to be comforted by him, which isn't possible at this time.

    We are still on talking terms but I'm respectful of not intruding on him and his boyfriend. I savor our friendship but it's difficult to accept this decision he has made. What should I do fellow RJers?


    You got dumped because your bud kept giving and giving and you failed to give back / open up. You got what you deserved.

    Remember the good times; forget the rest; live and LEARN.

    No reasonable person wants to deal with your baggage. You need to fix that, whether it's being open about your sexuality to loved ones, and acting normal in your relationships, or using your dead cat as an excuse for being a bad partner. You have considerable maturing to do.

    After a while, folks that are givers burn out on giving to folks that are takers. You just take, take, take, and didn't give back, and now you're alone. Your bud made the right choice. He wasted three years on
    you, waiting for you to come along, and you did NOT.

    You're STILL uptight about being gay, and living a honest life with your loved ones included in your life. You were hoping to lead separate lives, and you got dumped because of your baggage. You need to change that moving forward. DECENT folks get tired of waiting around on head cases, AND the smart ones move on.

    Fix yourself; come to like yourself; try again once you get your head on straight.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 6:39 AM GMT
    That's about it... you reaped what you sowed.

    Sorry.

  • Markebri

    Posts: 110

    Jan 04, 2011 6:50 AM GMT
    It was actually both sides, chuckystud.. He didn't want me to meet his mother or siblings when we were together, but felt commended to meet my parents. I had to put my cat down after he was attacked this past New Year's Eve, which was a few weeks after my friend and I split. I'm certainly not emotional baggage, it's just the past month has been very rough for me. I have a lack of trust in guys since I've been burned so many times in the past and my friend and I were rekindling our spark we lost during the past year.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    Without getting all Shirley McLaine on you.. Life has a way of sending you messengers....the problem is we look at them as problems rather than wake up calls.

    Now you know what to be like in the future. Proactive not Reactive.

    Best of luck

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    Sounds like a lot of things happened over time. The only one that can truly understand your relationship with this guy is the two of you, but you already know the answer to all this. Just look hard and deep within your self, I'm sure you will find the truth about what happened. The universe is always talking to us, but are you really listening or just ignoring it.

    Far as getting burned by other guys you dated in the past... We all have been burned by many people. You can either live in that moment of being burned and taking that with you or you can live in the now and grow from those experiences.

    One thing which is a huge red flag when I was single about men was if they wern't out to their family. If your not comfortable with your family then how can you truly be comfortable with your self. Most men who are grounded I think would see this a bad thing and not datable.

    I wish you the best and hopefully you are going to grow from this and not let it hold you back, because you have no baggage right?? icon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 3:41 PM GMT
    Things just happen for a reason, though sometimes, it's not always obvious as to why. And sometimes, when we do realize what the reasoning was, we refuse to accept it, and ignore it. Over time though, it comes back around and throws a screwdriver in the gears.

    To me, it does sound that you realize that it was your fault; you took your sweet time. Being jealous of the current situation is understandable, because your guilting yourself, saying "that could have been me, if i only told my family sooner".

    Simply accept the consequences of the decision you made for yourself. Yes, that does sound much more easier said than done, because I myself, speak from experience, but I also know what it's like to let yourself become obsessed over something that you know you did wrong, and having to live with the consequences of it. It's all just a learning experience for yourself.

    I've missed out on many opportunities to date amazing guys, because I was still stuck on what I had done; please don't let yourself do the same. Not letting yourself be happy, you miss out on so much life.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jan 04, 2011 4:07 PM GMT
    This sounds like a classic case of "You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone".
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Jan 04, 2011 4:08 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidThis sounds like a classic case of "You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone".



    yup icon_exclaim.gif



    time to Move On. icon_idea.gif
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Jan 04, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    yup yup.....at lot of good advice here. You are "young" yet, you will learn from all your previous relationships. Dont rush, You got plenty of time. Know your self first, then you can better open up to some else.
    icon_biggrin.gif
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 04, 2011 5:22 PM GMT
    Here's the thing... it doesn't matter. Spent your whole post talking about your problem, and really, the only thing you said that you need to consider is your last line. Whether it was your fault or his or both (it usually it the last), that won't change where things are. So you can fixate on where things went wrong, but what will that accomplish? It seems the guy has moved on and that's hurting you. Based upon the details and length of your post, it seems you're hurting right now and want to be comforted. It's understandable that you miss him. It's understandable that you're jealous of the new guy. But again, let's go back to your last sentence of what do you do?

    I say you stop talking to the guy. That isn't to be mean. It seems you're quite emotionally unstable with the idea of him, and talking to him and knowing about his new relationship isn't helping. You need time to mourn your loss and get over him. That won't happen if you talk to him, even as a friend. It usually takes me a year to be on talking terms with my exs. The bottom line is how can you expect anything but pain from this relationship when you haven't put it behind you?

    For your own sanity, I say cut off all ties with him. Explain it's not him, but that all you want to do is have time to get over him so that you can be his friend because at the moment the relationship is too raw and it will destroy any chance of friendship you have.

    There's no magic cure to healing, especially when you really loved the guy. This is going to hurt, and it will for a long time (and to a certain extent always will, but not to the point that you can't go on). Where you're at sucks because there's nothing you can do but heal. Think of it as a broken bone. To heal, you isolate the injury and let it be on its own; trying to move it too early will complicate the healing process. There are healthy ways to explore this, and it seems you would benefit from a good shoulder to lean on as I suspect from your post that you're seeking companionship. Talking through your feelings is a great first step... just don't do it with him.
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Jan 04, 2011 5:29 PM GMT
    i do agree that something like that does hurt, even though ive never experianced that, but thats why i move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    Am I the only person who thinks OP needs to fight for his feelings? I mean, you just don't throw away three years of relationship. If he means that much to you, then you better be ready to commit and make him a part of your life. If you are ready, then you should let him know right now.

    I like that you respect their relationship, but you owe it to yourself (and to him) to let him know that you want him back. I mean, that's what I would do. If he has to choose between me and his new guy, that's his problem.

  • tongun18

    Posts: 593

    Jan 04, 2011 5:39 PM GMT
    calibro saidHere's the thing... it doesn't matter. Spent your whole post talking about your problem, and really, the only thing you said that you need to consider is your last line. Whether it was your fault or his or both (it usually it the last), that won't change where things are. So you can fixate on where things went wrong, but what will that accomplish? It seems the guy has moved on and that's hurting you. Based upon the details and length of your post, it seems you're hurting right now and want to be comforted. It's understandable that you miss him. It's understandable that you're jealous of the new guy. But again, let's go back to your last sentence of what do you do?

    I say you stop talking to the guy. That isn't to be mean. It seems you're quite emotionally unstable with the idea of him, and talking to him and knowing about his new relationship isn't helping. You need time to mourn your loss and get over him. That won't happen if you talk to him, even as a friend. It usually takes me a year to be on talking terms with my exs. The bottom line is how can you expect anything but pain from this relationship when you haven't put it behind you?

    For your own sanity, I say cut off all ties with him. Explain it's not him, but that all you want to do is have time to get over him so that you can be his friend because at the moment the relationship is too raw and it will destroy any chance of friendship you have.

    There's no magic cure to healing, especially when you really loved the guy. This is going to hurt, and it will for a long time (and to a certain extent always will, but not to the point that you can't go on). Where you're at sucks because there's nothing you can do but heal. Think of it as a broken bone. To heal, you isolate the injury and let it be on its own; trying to move it too early will complicate the healing process. There are healthy ways to explore this, and it seems you would benefit from a good shoulder to lean on as I suspect from your post that you're seeking companionship. Talking through your feelings is a great first step... just don't do it with him.


    This ^

    I love the way calibro can break things down to the basic components/issues and articulately argue and support his point. icon_smile.gif *sigh
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 5:47 PM GMT
    Markebri saidIt was actually both sides, chuckystud.. He didn't want me to meet his mother or siblings when we were together, but felt commended to meet my parents. I had to put my cat down after he was attacked this past New Year's Eve, which was a few weeks after my friend and I split. I'm certainly not emotional baggage, it's just the past month has been very rough for me. I have a lack of trust in guys since I've been burned so many times in the past and my friend and I were rekindling our spark we lost during the past year.


    You need to let go. He has moved on.

    You can spend a bunch of energy looking back, or move ahead. Whatever floats your boat. You could even try to kiss and makeup but, honestly, you need to get past your drama. Much of your drama is that you're all self-involved and don't like yourself, and sabotage yourself trying to avoid life in general. Clean up your own act; the rest will follow.

    At 25, it's time to grow up, get out of the closet...give to get. It's not all about YOU.

    Understand, from his perspective, you had 3 years to get it together, and DID NOT.

    As long as you believe in failure, that's the plan that's going to happen. If you keep saying "I have a lack of trust in guys", you'll continue to sabotage your relationships, just as you have this one.

    I've met folks like you before, and you're a major emotional drag; not happy unless you're miserable. I'd have cut you loose, too.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 04, 2011 7:22 PM GMT
    criduchat saidAm I the only person who thinks OP needs to fight for his feelings? I mean, you just don't throw away three years of relationship. If he means that much to you, then you better be ready to commit and make him a part of your life. If you are ready, then you should let him know right now.

    I like that you respect their relationship, but you owe it to yourself (and to him) to let him know that you want him back. I mean, that's what I would do. If he has to choose between me and his new guy, that's his problem.



    I think fighting for your feelings is a Hollywood idea, along the lines that you can say the right magical thing in the right moment to change things. In the real world, people move on. It isn't the case the the guy doesn't know that the OP has these feelings; he decided to break up with him and has found someone else. There's a point where you learn to let go because the other person isn't into what you're offering.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 04, 2011 7:43 PM GMT

    Markebri, I think your feelings are very intensely magnified right now because of your recent loss, which has you heart-sore.

    So here...*huge hug* and there now *rubs back and pats it*.

    Now, consider that he deserves love. You do love him, so need to wish him well and every success. This is what you would want him to do if you had walked away and found new love, right?

    You can grieve the loss of the POTENTIAL relationship, such as it was, while you do this. It's healthy. I say it was potential because of this,
    "We dated for the first 3 years but never established a relationship with each other."

    If he was truly and madly in love with you, he would not have moved on. Here's why. Bill was not out to his family when we met. So what? I wasn't going out with them. icon_wink.gif
    As we got to know each other, very deeply, he began trusting me. Very very much so.

    I ended up bringing him out to his parents. His mother was right in there, happy as can be. His father and I got a little sloshed at New Year's (while Bill and his Mom lay on couches in the livingroom around the corner making chit-chat with comically terrified expressions on their faces) and I answered all the questions he had about being gay.

    We were poor then, and 3 months later they presented us with a down payment for a house, as they considered us (though illegal at the time) married in their eyes. It was something they did for all their kids when they settled with someone.

    Either one of us is available to you if you like, and perhaps in some way we can help you work through this.

    - Doug







  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 05, 2011 4:25 AM GMT
    criduchat saidAm I the only person who thinks OP needs to fight for his feelings?


    No.

    I think he should make a move, not necessarily to fight. It could be a move to move on.

    Either way, he can take some time to come to decision, and then start that process. But I think you're saying he shouldn't rule out trying to get his love back yet, and I'd agree.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 05, 2011 4:43 AM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    criduchat saidAm I the only person who thinks OP needs to fight for his feelings?


    No.

    I think he should make a move, not necessarily to fight. It could be a move to move on.

    Either way, he can take some time to come to decision, and then start that process. But I think you're saying he shouldn't rule out trying to get his love back yet, and I'd agree.


    ..but then consider yourself in such a situation; you're the one that moved on, and the one you couldn't work it with had others trying to tell him to go after you. Would that make you feel more attracted to your now-ex? This is something I've learned of being in love, that your guy must want you, and want to be with you (xcuse the bold), all by himself. The key word is want. If this want is not met (ie mutually desired), then it's better to let each other go, and just love rather than also being in love.


    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 05, 2011 5:48 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    ..but then consider yourself in such a situation; you're the one that moved on, and the one you couldn't work it with had others trying to tell him to go after you. Would that make you feel more attracted to your now-ex? This is something I've learned of being in love, that your guy must want you, and want to be with you (xcuse the bold), all by himself.


    You're right. Lack of (full, free) reciprocation is an awful feeling.

    On the other hand, not being with the one you want is an awful feeling.

    So you're asking if I would still be attracted even if others had to push on my behalf? Yes, I would. Although I wouldn't want to be.

    I am not strong enough yet to let go. I'd rather have the one I want right now, by almost any means. Even if it's just a setup for the same trouble.

    Can you tell I'm having these issues right now haha. The key is stop wanting that person. Now someone come up with the pill to kill the intense attraction that keeps you wanting a lost cause. I'll pay for it. Others will too. You'll be rich.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 05, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    "Can you tell I'm having these issues right now haha. The key is stop wanting that person. Now someone come up with the pill to kill the intense attraction that keeps you wanting a lost cause. I'll pay for it. Others will too. You'll be rich."

    Lol, it's OK, it's everywhere and was when I was young, too.

    You don't stop wanting; it's what you want that changes, with experiences. That's what moves you on, I think. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug