Partner has gained weight.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2011 7:49 AM GMT
    I have been with my partner for 3 years. We are engaged, we lived in the USA for a year, he was deported (go unfair marriage and immigration laws), I decided to move to his country in Central America. I didn't even have to think about it. So now we live there, built a house, i got a new job, we got a car, a second house., we are living the life.

    i am 22 and he is 27. We are perfect, or we were. When I met him he was mildly musular, had nice arms, skinny, etc.

    Since then, things have changed. In the last few months he has packed on some weight. He is a good 15-20 pounds heavier than he was before. It seems like it has all gone to his cheeks and his gut and it kills me.

    His diet has gone down but he isnt working anymore, no work for him where we live. My bilingual abilities (self taught) make me idea for a good job. I work and support us both easily.

    The problem is that, he is now unattractive to me. I tried leaving him but there is still plenty of chemistry. I don't want a new partner, but I can't deal with him this way, it grosses me out. It might sound funny but it's not, when someone goes this it kills your entire attraction to them. It's horrible.

    I told him he has to fix it nicely. Then i got firm, then i just got mean. he fails to respond. He says he will goto the gym, he never does, just a pipe dream.

    At this point. I am young, I still look as attractive as before and have gained weight ... and I have a good career. I am confident I can find someone else, but I don't want to. I am happy, I am sure he is the one for good. If he could just FIX himself.

    He says its my fault now too, I don;t support him (yeah right, i moved to Central America for the fun of it and so much else).

    He also tries to blame me, says i let myself go? I only shower once a day now,he says thats dirty because i used to shower 2-3 times a day. Then again, I also now work 12 hours a day as a supervisor. I think I am justified.

    I just don't know what to do. Someone else recommended withholding sex but that feels wrong. Plus he will just look at porn then on the internet I pay for ....

    So, I don't know what to do .... I have already been direct, already threatened breakup, etc.

    He just doesn't get it.

    What do you all think ?
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    Jan 04, 2011 12:00 PM GMT
    He syas its your fault and you dont support him and moved there for fun? Hmm what a strange situation.. seems more like he might be unhappy about not making any money and the blame is being directed at you.. basically a case of low self-esteem due to unemployment.. leading to loss of motivation to do much else... and being in denial about it.. hwat he needs is to do something meaningful, like a job or something
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    Jan 04, 2011 12:24 PM GMT
    Well doesn't have to be a job. He could coach sports, volunteer at a shelter, pretty much anything that requires a commitment. I think that might help drag him out of his funk.
    I'd be depressed too if I were him - if I met a great boyfriend abroad and he moved with me back to my country and was way successful while I was an unemployed loser.
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    Jan 04, 2011 12:33 PM GMT
    FAKE POST!!

    so you have no picture in your profile, and no information. You say you are 22 but your profile says 26. somehow he is from the country in central america but you the American has the amazing bilingual ability which is obviously self taught. you are working 12 hours a day as a supervisor in a country where you have no job experience etc.....

    FAKE POST
  • Timbales

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    Jan 04, 2011 12:33 PM GMT
    break up and move on
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    Jan 04, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    pre_mortem saidWell doesn't have to be a job. He could coach sports, volunteer at a shelter, pretty much anything that requires a commitment. I think that might help drag him out of his funk.
    I'd be depressed too if I were him - if I met a great boyfriend abroad and he moved with me back to my country and was way successful while I was an unemployed loser.


    Yeah thats what I was thinking, i would feel teh same.. the bf should at least not be in denial about it though
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    Jan 04, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    chungo44 saidFAKE POST!!

    so you have no picture in your profile, and no information. You say you are 22 but your profile says 26. somehow he is from the country in central america but you the American has the amazing bilingual ability which is obviously self taught. you are working 12 hours a day as a supervisor in a country where you have no job experience etc.....

    FAKE POST


    Doesnt matter really.. its still a good hypothetical situation to think about
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    Jan 04, 2011 12:42 PM GMT
    amar_m said
    chungo44 saidFAKE POST!!

    so you have no picture in your profile, and no information. You say you are 22 but your profile says 26. somehow he is from the country in central america but you the American has the amazing bilingual ability which is obviously self taught. you are working 12 hours a day as a supervisor in a country where you have no job experience etc.....

    FAKE POST


    Doesnt matter really.. its still a good hypothetical situation to think about


    The poblem is it isnt because it is completely unrealistic. at the end of the day american language skills are atrocious. The reality is that if anyone is bilingual it is the south american who was living in the united states, he would be working and the american who just up and moved to central america would not be working. the weight issue really isnt that big of an issue it is 10 pounds. People change over time. yes we all agree to try and do the best we can for our partners and we should try to be somewhat similar to how when we met but at the end of the day he is not willing to leave the guy for it So either accept and encourage better behavior or stop whining and leave.
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    Jan 04, 2011 12:56 PM GMT
    chungo44 saidPeople change over time. yes we all agree to try and do the best we can for our partners and we should try to be somewhat similar to how when we met but at the end of the day he is not willing to leave the guy for it So either accept and encourage better behavior or stop whining and leave.


    well he's asking for advice on how to better encourage and accept the situation... even if its fake, that something we all need to work on in relationships anyway icon_smile.gif o en todo caso, se que tengo que hacerlo yo mismo
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    Jan 04, 2011 1:01 PM GMT
    amar_m saidseems more like he might be unhappy about not making any money and the blame is being directed at you.. basically a case of low self-esteem due to unemployment.. leading to loss of motivation to do much else... and being in denial about it.. hwat he needs is to do something meaningful, like a job or something


    This, y no tengo idea si el OP es real o no, pero en todo caso, la respuesta obvia es que el chico necesita algo pa hacer con su tiempo.

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    Jan 04, 2011 2:51 PM GMT
    "He is a good 15-20 pounds heavier than he was before. It seems like it has all gone to his cheeks and his gut and it kills me. "


    So, does this mean any kind of disabling or disfiguring disease means it's all over, too? Car accident leaving him partially paralyzed? Love has more substance than that.

    -Doug

    Start doing activities WITH him aside from the gym. Gyms can be incredibly boring.

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    Jan 04, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    Lostboy said
    amar_m saidseems more like he might be unhappy about not making any money and the blame is being directed at you.. basically a case of low self-esteem due to unemployment.. leading to loss of motivation to do much else... and being in denial about it.. hwat he needs is to do something meaningful, like a job or something


    This, y no tengo idea si el OP es real o no, pero en todo caso, la respuesta obvia es que el chico necesita algo pa hacer con su tiempo.



    Asi pienso yo tambien, chicoperdido ;)
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    Jan 04, 2011 4:22 PM GMT
    What would bother me more about this situation is not so much the weight gain, but the lack of drive or motivation in general. That would be an instant attraction killer for me, as that is such an integral part of who a person is.

    I've seen a lot of your described scenario even with straight couples, particularly ones where the husband makes significantly less than the wife (or is unemployed). I second the opinions already expressed in that I would be concerned if your partner is falling into some kind of mild depression.
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    Jan 04, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    meninlove said "He is a good 15-20 pounds heavier than he was before. It seems like it has all gone to his cheeks and his gut and it kills me. "


    So, does this mean any kind of disabling or disfiguring disease means it's all over, too? Car accident leaving him partially paralyzed? Love has more substance than that.

    -Doug

    Start doing activities WITH him aside from the gym. Gyms can be incredibly boring.



    Those really aren't the same thing though. With disease, car accidents, etc. you can't control what happens to you. But with gaining a bunch of weight, you do have control. It's not something that happens in an instant or a minute or an hour or a day. It's a process that happens over a long period of time. Basically, it's something that you do to yourself vs. something you have no control over.

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    Jan 04, 2011 4:43 PM GMT
    I don't know if this is a fake scenario but...

    he most likely is suffering from depression as he probably wanted to live the rest of his life (or a good portion of it) in the U.S., but got booted out for whatever, and is back to where he doesn't want to be (or so it seems).

    Tell him to get some therapy, and good luck! (If this is for real)



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    Jan 04, 2011 4:51 PM GMT
    Wait till he's 40 and trade him in for two 20's.
  • calibro

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    Jan 04, 2011 4:54 PM GMT
    chungo44 saidFAKE POST!!

    so you have no picture in your profile, and no information. You say you are 22 but your profile says 26. somehow he is from the country in central america but you the American has the amazing bilingual ability which is obviously self taught. you are working 12 hours a day as a supervisor in a country where you have no job experience etc.....

    FAKE POST


    128932799567922939.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2011 7:02 PM GMT
    chungo44 saidFAKE POST!!

    so you have no picture in your profile, and no information. You say you are 22 but your profile says 26. somehow he is from the country in central america but you the American has the amazing bilingual ability which is obviously self taught. you are working 12 hours a day as a supervisor in a country where you have no job experience etc.....

    FAKE POST


    BOW.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2011 7:16 PM GMT
    He's prolly suffering from depression at having no job. Seek medical treatment. Yelling at him won't do any good. Best is for him to get a job.
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    Jan 04, 2011 7:23 PM GMT
    Animus, your post was entirely predictable.

    See Caslon's above for further education.

    -Doug
  • LuckyGuyKC

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    Jan 04, 2011 7:23 PM GMT
    The right answer has been given multiple times here. He's depressed by being supported by you.

    He needs to do anything - volunteer, get an unpaid internship or journeyman position, anything to is work, anything that will give him self worth helping the world turn.

    Sitting at home will ruin almost any man and many relationships.
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    Jan 04, 2011 7:45 PM GMT
    meninlove said Animus, your post was entirely predictable.

    See Caslon's above for further education.

    -Doug


    Predictable and correct, as usual.
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    Jan 04, 2011 7:50 PM GMT
    No, you're not. Bill and I have been together 21 years and in that time there have been periods where one of us has gained up to 35 lbs, then lost it. Do you think either one of us would be so shallow and stupid to give up the love of a lifetime over pounds which can be (and were) shed?

    At one point years ago, Bill went on a heavy diet kick and got himself down to 140 lbs. He's 5ft 10 and he was scrawny. The opposite of gaining.

    At one point I did the same, due to an illness that no one could find for some time.

    At one point I gained and weighed 210 lbs (6ft1). I lost it several months later.
    Last year Bill gained and went to 194 lbs. He lost it all and went to his ideal of 173 in a month.

    Now then, how often should we have broken up, Animus?

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2011 8:07 PM GMT
    FAKE OR NOT
    it just reflects how you are only capable of loving in shallow terms. icon_sad.gif
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    Jan 05, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    Interesting scenario.

    You know what sounds like a good idea? Go for a walk with your partner.