Jokes

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2008 12:18 AM GMT
    I'm fresh out of them and i need to smile, it's been a rough last few weeks. helpicon_sad.gif
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    Mar 25, 2008 12:25 AM GMT
    Will I Live to be Eighty


    Some times you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to 80?"

    I recently chose a new primary care physician.
    After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

    He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

    "No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

    Then asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

    I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?"

    "No I don't," I said.

    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

    "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

    Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a care?"
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    Mar 25, 2008 12:31 AM GMT
    HEALTH - QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?




    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

    'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : 'Woo Hooooooo, what a ride!

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    Mar 25, 2008 12:37 AM GMT
    A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem --the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

    Thinking about the problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution and Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

    Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

    - "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

    - "Second", he said, "You cain't never tell no one 'bout this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

    - "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptists." Once again it was agreed.

    - And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2008 12:38 AM GMT
    That's for the pick me up Cicon_biggrin.gifaslon, you're sweet.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 25, 2008 12:40 AM GMT

    Children's exam answers



    If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.

    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
    A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

    Q: What is the fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
    A: Nearby.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
    A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2008 12:48 AM GMT
    THE WAY CHILDREN SEE THINGS!

    NUDITY> I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening> when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was> stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout> from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

    HONESTY> My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me> he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it> in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my> bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a> charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause> it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

    OPINIONS> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note> from ! his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child> are not necessarily those of his parents."

    KETCHUP> A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar> During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter> to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her> mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right> now. She's hitting the bottle."

    MORE NUDITY> A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's> locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with> ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in> amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little> boy> before?"

    ELDERLY> While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly> shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my after noon> rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers> and> wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at> a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the> inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The> tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    DRESS-UP> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she> saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that> suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a> headache the next morning."

    DEATH> While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister> heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.> Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead> robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a> small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the> disposal> of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate> prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his> Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ....> and> into the hole he gooooes."

    SCHOOL> A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just> wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write> and they won't let me talk!"

    BIBLE> A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he> fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the> Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf> that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the> boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the> young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2008 12:52 AM GMT
    A Hasidic Jew with a frog on his head walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey where did you get that."

    The frog says "Brooklyn, there are thousands of them".
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    Mar 25, 2008 1:09 AM GMT
    whats black, blue, and hates having sex?...the kid in my trunk...oohhhhhhhhhhhhh ZING!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 25, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
    A woman gets home from playing golf.

    Her husband says, "Honey, how was your game?"

    She says, "Fine, but I got stung by a bee between holes."

    Her husband says, "Sounds like your stance was too wide."
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    Mar 25, 2008 5:02 AM GMT
    Caslon saidHEALTH - QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats...


    Well.. probably true.. google the fascinating "Metabolic Scaling theory" or "Kleiber's Law". Or, for the
    layman

    Hope I didn't ruin your fun joke thread with SCIENCE
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Mar 25, 2008 5:04 AM GMT
    say this in your best southern drawwwwwl

    two southern debs are sitting on the verandah having tea.
    the first deb looks at the second deb and says..."when i turned 16 my daddy bought me a jaguar convertible"
    the second deb says..."how nice"
    the first deb looks at the second deb and says..."yes and when i graduated from college my daddy sent me on a cruise around the world"
    the second deb says...."how nice"
    the first deb looks at the second deb and says..."and whatever did your daddy do for you??"
    the second deb says...."my daddy sent me to the finest finishing school in all of Atlanta"
    the first deb says...."whatever did they teach you there??"
    the second deb looks at her and says..."they taught us that instead of saying FUCK YOU to other debs....we just say...HOW NICE!!"
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    Mar 25, 2008 10:55 AM GMT
    Q: Is swimming good excercise for you?

    A: If it's good exercise then explain whales to me.

    LOL! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
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    Mar 26, 2008 7:28 PM GMT
    It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

    People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

    As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

    'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch.

    It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

    The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

    Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces!

    'SHIT!' said the hypnotist...

    It took three days to clean up the senior center.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 26, 2008 7:30 PM GMT
    Caslon;

    do you have a joke book right next to your computer?icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 26, 2008 7:45 PM GMT
    I certainly hope you dont think I am typing all this in!!!! ..... icon_eek.gif