Relationship or whatever I can get my hands on

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2008 3:14 AM GMT
    Ok heres is something I have been wrestling with ever since I came out.

    So when I first came out I had my clubbing stage where I went around and fooled around with a different guy every other night, never had sex with them though, but anyways then I realized the thing i have wanted since I was a kid was a girlfriend someone to share real intimate feelings with, but then i realized it was I just wanted that but with a man. So I finally have had them and I am in a battle in my mind what to do.

    I always see those guys who just sleep around with anyone and just have sex with any guy they think is hot, and I used to look down upon them and thought that they weren't truly happy inside because they didn't have any true love in their lives

    However I learn to realize with time it is not that I just look down upon them I resent them. I think sometimes I wish I could be like them. Just having fun, sex, partying, clubs all of it even though I know I couldn't handle it I still want it sometimes. I feel like I am in a constant battle of right and wrong in my head. But is doing all that really wrong? Is it bad?

    I know people say oh its the fun way thats bestor its the love route. I feel like I just want to be the thing i resent so much sometimes. I want to be that flaming gay guy who just shuts off all their emotions and lives in the moment. I am tired of constantly fighting a stereotype and just want to fit in with the crowd..... even if the crowd isn't worth shit fitting into.
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    Mar 25, 2008 10:38 AM GMT
    Isn't "fitting the crowd" the stereotype itself?
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    Mar 25, 2008 3:00 PM GMT
    I think what you are desiring is basically inner freedom and of the mind and happiness. I think realizing that the problem is a battle in your own mind is well half the battle. I would like to write more about it but have to go to work. Here is one of the many books I think that challenge your idea of what freedom is ..

    here is part of it readable on google books
    Freedom from the Known

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060648082

    Yeah I know it is just a book but food for thought anyway
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    Mar 25, 2008 3:05 PM GMT
    It's funny you should bring this up, IML. I had a period in my life where I went straight to a relationship. When it ended badly, I went whole hog into a "slut phase." I had lots of fun, learned lots, and in the end, worked out a lot of stuff. By the time I was ready for a relationship again, I had a much better idea of what I did and didn't want. Now, almost 9 years into a boring ol marriage (I mean that sarcastically, btw), I sometimes remember those days wistfully.

    As for you, well, are you in a relationship now? It might be something that you and the bf can explore together. As young as you are, I'd be loathe to tell you NOT to have some fun (however you and any significant other you might have define that together). If you aren't with someone, it is possible to 'live on the surface' of the 'stereotypical gay lifestyle' without getting sucked into it.
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    Mar 25, 2008 3:12 PM GMT
    Some guys are naturally promiscuous, others are relationship oriented. You need to figure out which you are and live your life accordingly. I am on the relationship end of the scale. I would go months on end without having sex with a guy, and not missing it. I would go to clubs and party, but not pick anyone up. I can remember only one year (1991) where I had a significant amount of casual sex and enjoyed it.

    If you decide to have lots of sex with a variety of guys then you need to make sure you are up to date about safer sex to prevent getting STDs. The more sexual partners you have the greater the risk you take of contracting something, simply the laws of probability.
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    Mar 25, 2008 3:21 PM GMT
    this sounds guilt ridden... whose ideals are you confronting? your own or someone else's?

    i think what will be more helpful is finding the balance between "fun" and "marriage" (are the two are mutually exclusive?) that works for you within your comfort zone.

    if you want to have flings, have them. you learn from them. i'd say you'd learn more about what you want in a ltr by have str's. don't beat yourself up, and don't bother resenting people who enjoy casual sex - they don't care about your opinion, and it doesn't serve much use for you.

    get laid if you want. don't if you don't.
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    Mar 25, 2008 4:40 PM GMT
    Yeah I understand all that my problem is that I am a paranoid Hypochondiac (spelled wrong I know) And that even if I do have safe sex which i always do, I am always thinking I have an std. I think I need to deal with those feeling first. I think it comes from being raised like most kids in my generation that gay sex = AIDS, and that everyman has it. I know its not true and I know its all in my head, but Its hard to get over 19 yrs of brainwashing. I understand how HIV is transmitted completely, but I am still crazy. I mean my biggest fear is that I will get an STD and die alone because no one will want to be with me. And I know everyone dies alone but i mean dieing without ever trully loving someone and having a husband ( i dont like the word partner). Well I guess this is all my internal fears and something I have do deal with on my own. Thanks for the advice
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 25, 2008 4:43 PM GMT
    My best advice? Don't listen to what you are supposed to do and do what you want to. You'll meet a guy, don't worry.
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    Mar 25, 2008 4:47 PM GMT
    and here is a cautionary tale:

    natalie dee
    nataliedee.com

    just wanted you to smile and know that it will all happen when it's supposed to. don't rush it! ;)
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Mar 25, 2008 5:05 PM GMT
    You might be able to figure out how to work through some of these issues by attending the Landmark Forum: http://www.landmarkeducation.com.
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    Mar 25, 2008 7:42 PM GMT
    Thanks but I am in a relationship and it is great but I know that it will be over soon because I a going off to school. So thanks for the hang in there and that comic was funny. Its I am just thinking about my future..... I had my whole life set out before I came out, and when I came out to my parents I have been knocked off my tracks so bad it took me a year to find my direction again. And I set goals for myself, get a boyfriend, become a server, try to move out, fix relationship with parents, transfer to UCSC and know I have almost accomplished all my goals... And I was like when that all happens things will be so much better.... And now I am there and I'm like crap this isn't as awe inspiring and amazing as I built it up to be. So I am now like shit what now..... I never thought about past this you know?
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    Mar 26, 2008 12:03 AM GMT
    There's one secret to happiness I wish to remind you of: never compare yourself to another man. Such comparison only breeds discontentment with oneself and jealousy towards others.
    Like you, I only ever want to be in a monogamous relationship. Do I envy those who live their lives with abandon? Not at all, because I do not compare myself with them whatsoever. Allow yourself to find an inner peace and contentment that is not defined by others. Only then will you find true lasting happiness, and not the ephemeral thrills of bed-hopping, partying till dawn, yada yada.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 26, 2008 12:16 AM GMT
    ItsMyLife said Well I guess this is all my internal fears and something I have do deal with on my own.
    I was thinking that might be the case. There are ways of dealing with fears by confronting them in your mind as opposed to trying not to think about them. When you allow your mind to deal with things this way, your fears will kind of melt away. It is like taking weight off yourself and being allowed to breathe for he first time.
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    Mar 26, 2008 7:20 AM GMT
    I was thinking about this thread last night. It is somehow parallel to the inner conflict of the dichotomous dilemma that I face, pretty much a "damn if you do and damn if you don't" shituation.
    I mean, if you're engaging in casual sex you'd feel empty afterwards, likewise if you refrain from doing it (while waiting for 'The One' and not getting some while doing so), you'd still feel empty just the same.
    What's a girl to do!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 26, 2008 7:51 AM GMT
    Just keep on loving life. If you're having fun, you'll attract great people to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 26, 2008 9:47 AM GMT
    makeumyne saidJust keep on loving life. If you're having fun, you'll attract great people to you.


    Spot on! You know the beauty in it is that even if you are hurting inside, keeping that jovial attitude on the external, however alcohol-induced, opens a lot of doors... bedrooms' evenicon_wink.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 26, 2008 10:04 AM GMT
    We are what we are inside... and we always want what we can't have
    It sounds like you really are a man who fits in well with the relationship mode of life
    when you first come out its like a kid in a candy store but then you settle down and the true you comes out
    some guys continue on with that lifestyle
    but many realize how empty it really is and start looking for more
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2009 12:29 PM GMT
    Ah the dreaded relationship topic. I've always been to serious in my relationships. It's prb from going too fast. Which the last year I've taken my time with. Just tryin to take things a little less seriously I'd guess...

    Silverfox made me do it...