Came Out to Father- Didn't Take it as Well as Mom

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    Jan 07, 2011 2:06 AM GMT
    I came out to my father and he said he is "disappointed" about my being gay. He thinks I'm "misidentifying" myself and am "choosing" to be gay. I told him people are born gay but he didn't want to hear that. He basically told me to hide the fact that I'm gay and not tell anyone.

    I feel it's going to take a long time for him to accept it, even though he's probably figured it out a while ago because people are more perceptive than we think.

    In the meantime I'm focusing on being financially independent from my parents and not having to move back home this year. Whenever I get a boyfriend I'm not sure how he'd even take that.

    My mom took it better than my father and just wants me to be happy. Though, something surprising I learned though is they both think anal sex is "unnatural", my father even called it "perverse".
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    Jan 07, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    Congrats on coming out! icon_biggrin.gif
    Sorry it didn't go so well with your father, but at least he's willing to continue talking to you. It may take a few years, but he'll come around eventually.
    *hugs*
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    Jan 07, 2011 2:54 AM GMT
    That was a brave thing to do. Congratulations!
    He will slowly come around. As you grow more independent and develop sound relationships with boyfriends, he will realise the normalcy of his son being gay. But he may not accept homosexuality as a general idea.
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    Congratulations, and welcome, lol!

    I can concur with you about your father; my dad is the same way. He believes that it's a choice, and that I'm not being true to myself and God, and yadda yadda. It is hard at times, because he is your father, and you do want his support, but just give him time; denial and bargaining is just part of the process in accepting some things.
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:26 AM GMT
    Thanks for the support all.

    Tallguy87 said
    I can concur with you about your father; my dad is the same way. He believes that it's a choice, and that I'm not being true to myself and God, and yadda yadda. It is hard at times, because he is your father, and you do want his support, but just give him time; denial and bargaining is just part of the process in accepting some things.

    Thankfully my family isn't religious, that would be another layer of acceptance for him to get through and going through the motions would take longer.
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:30 AM GMT
    Considering his father was a preacher, it doesn't come as a surprise that he has the outlook he has. But the way I look at it, it's his problem to let a book tell him what to believe and how to live his life. But, anyways, that's a different topic. icon_smile.gif Just keep your head up and continue focusing on saving up money!
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    Ehanson saidI came out to my father and he said he is "disappointed" about my being gay. He thinks I'm "misidentifying" myself and am "choosing" to be gay. I told him people are born gay but he didn't want to hear that. He basically told me to hide the fact that I'm gay and not tell anyone. [...]


    1- Congratulations!

    2- Perhaps you can (in a nice way) laugh off (to your father) his comment about how he projects his desires upon you.
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:34 AM GMT
    Good luck to you !!! I'm sure that was one of the hardest things you've ever done, but now its out there, and I'd be willing to bet that time will improve your fathers perception of you as a gay young man. Fortunately current events are working in your favor too.
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    Congrats man, and good luck hope it all works out for the best. Give him time, I mean It takes a great time of lives to accept ourselves I believe it's only natural for them to take some time too. Just don't be ashame of who you are and live proudly
  • ShanksE

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    Jan 07, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    Congratulations. You've made a very brave decision by letting your parents in on this aspect of your life. Also, it must have taken you some time to accept your sexuality, so it would be unfair to expect your parents to be readily accepting of it. Give them some time and they will surely come around. All the best! icon_smile.gif
    Warm regards and hugs.
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:54 AM GMT
    Congratulations on coming out!
    I didn't have to come out to my father since he passed away abruptly but I am sure he would have reacted the same way, but eventually come around. I hope and think this will happen with yours icon_smile.gif
    Thanks for sharing your story, it what made my coming out experience so much easier
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    Jan 07, 2011 4:22 AM GMT
    Well even Dr Kildare; Richard Chamberlain not long gave the same advice, to young gay men, not to come out.

    I myself a pure homosexual, so I have no issues with my sexuality. I'm sure tears would roll down my face, if my son would tell me he was gay. I would still love him, I would only be disappointed, as I would of wanted the best for him. I suppose I would then just try to advise him not to get to raped up in the gay community, to be his own man, and not become a sheep, and just follow people.

    But Yes I a pure homosexual would cry if I had a son, and he was to grow up to be a homosexual. At least if he was a bisexual he would have more choices.

    Mind you if my pa was still alive and he was to come out as a bisexual at 50 or 60. I would not accept him. For one I would never really of known him, as his life would of been nothing but a lie, and a few other things. So it can go both ways.
  • mke_bt

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    Jan 07, 2011 5:06 AM GMT
    True_blue_aussie saidWell even Dr Kildare; Richard Chamberlain not long gave the same advice, to young gay men, not to come out.

    I myself a pure homosexual, so I have no issues with my sexuality. I'm sure tears would roll down my face, if my son would tell me he was gay. I would still love him, I would only be disappointed, as I would of wanted the best for him. I suppose I would then just try to advise him not to get to raped up in the gay community, to be his own man, and not become a sheep, and just follow people.

    But Yes I a pure homosexual would cry if I had a son, and he was to grow up to be a homosexual. At least if he was a bisexual he would have more choices.

    Mind you if my pa was still alive and he was to come out as a bisexual at 50 or 60. I would not accept him. For one I would never really of known him, as his life would of been nothing but a lie, and a few other things. So it can go both ways.


    Do you intentionally set yourself up for ridicule?
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    Jan 07, 2011 5:08 AM GMT
    True_blue_aussie saidWell even Dr Kildare; Richard Chamberlain not long gave the same advice, to young gay men, not to come out.

    I myself a pure homosexual, so I have no issues with my sexuality. I'm sure tears would roll down my face, if my son would tell me he was gay. I would still love him, I would only be disappointed, as I would of wanted the best for him. I suppose I would then just try to advise him not to get to raped up in the gay community, to be his own man, and not become a sheep, and just follow people.

    But Yes I a pure homosexual would cry if I had a son, and he was to grow up to be a homosexual. At least if he was a bisexual he would have more choices.

    Mind you if my pa was still alive and he was to come out as a bisexual at 50 or 60. I would not accept him. For one I would never really of known him, as his life would of been nothing but a lie, and a few other things. So it can go both ways.


    Keep on drinking, Patti. You're doing such a wonderful job of keeping us all entertained.
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    Jan 07, 2011 5:13 AM GMT
    mke_bt said
    True_blue_aussie saidWell even Dr Kildare; Richard Chamberlain not long gave the same advice, to young gay men, not to come out.

    I myself a pure homosexual, so I have no issues with my sexuality. I'm sure tears would roll down my face, if my son would tell me he was gay. I would still love him, I would only be disappointed, as I would of wanted the best for him. I suppose I would then just try to advise him not to get to raped up in the gay community, to be his own man, and not become a sheep, and just follow people.

    But Yes I a pure homosexual would cry if I had a son, and he was to grow up to be a homosexual. At least if he was a bisexual he would have more choices.

    Mind you if my pa was still alive and he was to come out as a bisexual at 50 or 60. I would not accept him. For one I would never really of known him, as his life would of been nothing but a lie, and a few other things. So it can go both ways.


    Do you intentionally set yourself up for ridicule?


    No but I do promote freedom of speech, and having the right to freedom of speech also means having the right to hold unpopular opinions, and be safe to do so.

    I meant what I said. I have no issues with my sexuality, but if I had a son, I would not wish homosexuality on him, as I would want the best for him. Also if my pa had of come out as a 50 something man, I may well of smited him, and I'm not an aggressive violent man. So the rejection can go both ways.
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    Jan 07, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    Ever meet a heterosexual man after 10+ years of marriage? God's most miserable creature. I'm not sure that is really the "best" life to live.
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    Jan 07, 2011 5:29 AM GMT
    Congrats on coming out! Maybe your mom will influence you father. He will come around. But I'm just surprised you guys talked about anal sex. I can't imagine talking sex with my parents...coming out was fine but talking about my sex life? They'd rather not know!

    About anal sex being not natural...sure it is not natural if sex is only for copulating but sex is more about making yourself and your partner feel good and sharing that intimate experience...so yeah definitely then anal sex is as natural as kissing and vaginal sex with condom use...cause you ain't gonna get a baby that way icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 07, 2011 5:34 AM GMT
    NoSuchPerson saidEver meet a heterosexual man after 10+ years of marriage? God's most miserable creature. I'm not sure that is really the "best" life to live.



    Yes, actually I have met several, including my father who was hardly a miserable creature.

    OP, give your father some time. He may very likely come around to accept you. He grew up in a different time than you.
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    Jan 07, 2011 5:34 AM GMT
    NoSuchPerson saidEver meet a heterosexual man after 10+ years of marriage? God's most miserable creature. I'm not sure that is really the "best" life to live.


    Heterosexual man after 10 years of marriage.......am I missing something?
    Unless you are talking about a man who feels his only duty in life left is to just pay the bills...........or is a "homosexual" man......???

    Hmmmmmm......Have my homosexual married man....and he's coming around......and it's a tremendous pain in the ass...the transition.....but, we'll be ok......He has me to hold his hand....and I love him with all my heart......
    and I have the cash to back up the legal ramifications....icon_wink.gificon_twisted.gif
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    Jan 07, 2011 6:37 AM GMT
    good for you for coming out bud! i know it must have been hard. Sorry your dad didn't take it too well, hopefully he'll eventually come around. CONGRATS on taking a positive ballsy step to your wonderful future! CHEERS!
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    Jan 07, 2011 6:58 AM GMT
    Congrats! Give them time. You've had the chance to think and process this for a very long time, they however have not. They need to process your outing and figure out how to process it. I suspect that they will come around and although may be a while be for they totally understand you, they will still love you. Good luck.
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    Jan 07, 2011 7:10 AM GMT
    The father is worried about his genetic line. That is all. He loves you.
  • Webster666

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    Jan 07, 2011 8:44 AM GMT
    Your situation with your family seems quite good, actually.
    I suspect that they already knew, but that your father was in denial until now.