Is it worth trying to have a straight lifestyle?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2011 7:56 AM GMT
    I mean would we be different people if we tried going through getting to know a woman and having a family, going through the kids growing up then leaving all that to live a gay lifestyle?

    I'm not basing it on circumstance, but does giving it a go mean that you could be a better person, have a better perspective about being gay, perhaps even been given the opportunity to appreciate being a gay man?
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    Jan 07, 2011 7:59 AM GMT
    erm, having sex with a woman and having kids is not a "straight lifestyle". That´s called having straight sex.

    Do straights wonder about whether being gay for 10 years before they go straight would be good for them as people?
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    Jan 07, 2011 8:05 AM GMT
    Call it what you like, but does this make you more assertive that you are gay?

    I probably dated one girl in my life and can say I've never slept with a woman. There are people that go through the steps of meeting a woman, having kids, then in their later years come out and divorce or separate to have a partner of the same gender.

    How am I different to that person who has that experience?
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Jan 07, 2011 12:03 PM GMT
    Okay, so I did the whole marriage/kids thing. I wouldn't change it for the world because my kids are the love of my life! No regrets there. That said it was by far not an easy life. Knowing you're living a life you weren't truly meant for...at times it seemed like life was just being wasted, which is why i eventually came out to my wife. You can't change being gay, but you can live whatever lifestyle you want. Choose the lifestyle that keeps you honest and true to who you are.
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    Jan 07, 2011 12:05 PM GMT
    I pity the poor woman if you do. Itsnot fair to her.
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Jan 07, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    Caslon17000 saidI pity the poor woman if you do. Itsnot fair to her.



    true dat!
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    Jan 07, 2011 12:18 PM GMT
    sydney_cider saidHow am I different to that person who has that experience?

    Because there is more then one person in a relationship.

    WHile a relationship with another guy might not work the relationship stands a better chance of success then with a woman.

    With a woman you'll spend your life wanting something you can't have and if you do you break the trust the other person has placed in you and place them at a great deal of risk just because you wanted to live a life that was apparently "straight"

    Is it really worth denying yourself and hurting others to "fit in" ?
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    Jan 07, 2011 12:23 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    sydney_cider saidHow am I different to that person who has that experience?

    Because there is more then one person in a relationship.

    WHile a relationship with another guy might not work the relationship stands a better chance of success then with a woman.

    With a woman you'll spend your life wanting something you can't have and if you do you break the trust the other person has placed in you and place them at a great deal of risk just because you wanted to live a life that was apparently "straight"

    Is it really worth denying yourself and hurting others to "fit in" ?


    Perfectly stated.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Jan 07, 2011 12:25 PM GMT
    Yes, it is unfair to the woman and unless fully disclosed and accepted upfront with a full understanding of all the ramifications, I would not do it! However...

    I was married and had a child before realizing, accepting and dealing with being gay. I would have never done it "for the experience" but I'm very thankful for it. I know for me, and many guys I've talked to who were married and had kids before dealing with their sexuality, I have a different perspective on commitment, relationships and unconditional love (for child) then most gay men.

    Certainly when you are married, you are more likely to deal with your relationship issues in a healthy, constructive way for the sake of the marriage and kids. (Either that or you become pretty miserable.) So you develop skill sets that many gay men, without long term relationship experience, simply lack.

    Further, a relationship with a woman teaches you to develop the emotional part of your relationship in a deeper way. Women simply are more emotional by nature and to be a good husband, you have to learn how to nurture and develop that connection.

    You don't have to get married to a woman to have deeper, more meaningful relationships, but it sure is good training. Not to mention, having kids, teaches you all sorts of things about love and commitment and patience that is hard to duplicate.
  • RunnerMD

    Posts: 157

    Jan 07, 2011 12:31 PM GMT
    I know several people who are 15-20 years into the process you described. They figured they were gay but that they could ignore it or "get it out of their system" and get married, have the kids et cetera. To a person it was an unmitigated disaster. You have to be true yourself always. You need to be true to your partner always. Getting married and having kids isn't a social experiment or a cover story. Doing so will end in disaster not a better perspective on being gay.
  • maverik

    Posts: 47

    Jan 07, 2011 12:51 PM GMT
    Velvet Rage

    I read a fantastic book during the xmas hols and I recommend it:

    The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World. Dr Alan Downs.

    http://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Rage-Overcoming-Growing-Straight/dp/0738210110.

    The book isn't too expensive and is a very easy read that might just help avoid future heart ache and dealing with being gay. (and to the cynics: No, I'm not on commission icon_wink.gif ).

    The author, Alan Downs, had a go at being married etc, became a therapist and, with the perspective that you mention, wrote his best seller.

    From my own perspective, the most important thing is being brutally honest with yourself and then those around you. If you like guys, then marry one and get kids with him.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 07, 2011 12:58 PM GMT
    Would we be "better" by having a different perspective, maybe dragging several family members through hell once you decide it's time to depart and live a gay lifestyle. The fact the kids are grown may or may not make any difference.
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    Jan 07, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    This thread couldn't have been at a better time.....soooo uplifting for me.

    I believe there is still such a thing as true love whether it is with a man or a woman.... i've only experienced it once and couldn't pursue it. I think that's what you should be looking for.

    Guys that have had kids are more giving and caring as a whole. Usually the world doesn't evolve around them. Now here's the caveat.

    Ever notice that most married guys have shops, garages or hobbies. Those that have been working all the time and are off work for a while usually end up in divorce....... Or the lucky ones have true companionship.

    I think most of us are looking for true companionship with a little time to ourselves. It would be nice to find that person that shares your interests and you can be one with. Those that nag and thwart your efforts are not fun to be around....lol

    i guess the best thing i can say is go with your heart.... and if you find that person with the qualities you want nail them.... the passion, chemistry and magnetism will all come forth..... good luck



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    Jan 07, 2011 1:53 PM GMT
    Caslon17000 saidI pity the poor woman if you do. Itsnot fair to her.

    This is what I learned, much to my misery and hers. We are what we are, and live happiest when we live truest to our orientation.

    Therefore let straights have a straight life, and gays a gay one. Let's not pretend to be something we aren't. I went that route, with disastrous results for both her and for me. My personal misery was my own fault, but the guilt I feel for marrying an unsuspecting woman under "false pretenses" will never go away. A woman deserves better, everyone does.
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    Jan 07, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    I can't imagine what it must be to a woman who takes her vows seriously and devotes her life to a man "till death do us part" only to find out it was all a sham. Or to be a kid and learn that a pivotal role model in your life -your dad- has been deceiving you with lies. Many lives uprooted and destroyed in the wake of a confused individual who can't figure out what they want in life. Sad.
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    Jan 07, 2011 2:54 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidI can't imagine what it must be to a woman who takes her vows seriously and devotes her life to a man "till death do us part" only to find out it was all a sham. Or to be a kid and learn that a pivotal role model in your life -your dad- has been deceiving you with lies. Many lives uprooted and destroyed in the wake of a confused individual who can't figure out what they want in life. Sad.


    Exactly this! When I was really uncomfortable about being gay, I had thought about just living a straight life with a wife and kids. But there are two big reasons I decided not to

    1) I would never be truly happy and would probably resent my family for that.
    2) That is so awfully unfair to your wife, kids, etc. It has to be so emotionally damaging to a wife when her husband comes out. Your wife is a human being. She isn't just there to try out the straight thing.

    All this helped me accept who I am and that I will be living a life as a gay man for my sake and for the sake of others.
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    Jan 07, 2011 2:56 PM GMT
    Living the stereotypical gay life is a choice.

    If you want a spouse and kids you can have it. But if you are gay, marry a guy, and grow a family with him.

    If you are turned off by the self-absorbed attitudes of many gays, then don't hang out with bad attitudes. My BF and I mostly hang out in the "straight" world because we do not relate to the shallow aspects of the "gay scene". We spend tons of time with family, nieces and nephews, help take care of old relatives, and may get kids of our own eventually.
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:08 PM GMT
    (Cliche warning)

    Don't live gay/straight style. Live your style!
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    That makes absolutely no sense. There is no more a "straight" lifestyle than a "gay" lifestyle.

    There are, instead, about 307,006,550 lifestyles in the USA. And they are all just fine.
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidI can't imagine what it must be to a woman who takes her vows seriously and devotes her life to a man "till death do us part" only to find out it was all a sham. Or to be a kid and learn that a pivotal role model in your life -your dad- has been deceiving you with lies. Many lives uprooted and destroyed in the wake of a confused individual who can't figure out what they want in life. Sad.


    This. Other people are not training wheels for you to figure out who you are in life, especially if you are already pretty certain you have attraction only to men. They have their own right to happiness and the expectation that the people they trust are not suddenly going to morph into somebody else.

    I think this was very prevalent years ago because being out was so difficult, but with each generation that becomes less of an excuse. There will always be ignorant people but nobody in the US can claim they can't move somewhere that they will be accepted for who they are. Why would you put what you really want on hold for decades and mess up other people's lives in the process?
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    Jan 07, 2011 3:55 PM GMT
    I believe sexual orientation to be dynamic...it can change throughout your life...especially if you are one of the people who is attracted to both sexes.

    I think there is a qualitative difference between a guy who knows he's gay at 10 and a guy who drifts there later in life. As has been said before, there are many, many paths to this place called gay. Don't assume yours is somehow the only true path and everyone else is has perpetrated a fraud.

    I have no doubt that some guys start a sham marriage, but I think the vast majority are sincere marriages.

    That's kinda like saying a guy who cheats on his wife has perpetrated a sham because he was going to fall in love with another woman.

    I am a divorced dad with young kids...and I have dated several other dads in the same position. I have yet to meet a gay dad whose marriage was a sham.

    Mike
  • mybud

    Posts: 11836

    Jan 07, 2011 4:11 PM GMT
    I believe we miss out on certain aspects of a straight lifestyle and some of us become self centered and selfish....A family causes you to look out for the needs of your children...communal expectations....The sex would be something to overcome but if you connect and truly love your partner ...the sex of that partner is secondary....This is only my opinion and also I have a long history of past relationships with women.....BUD
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    Jan 07, 2011 4:18 PM GMT
    moscowmikey saidI believe sexual orientation to be dynamic...it can change throughout your life...especially if you are one of the people who is attracted to both sexes.

    I think there is a qualitative difference between a guy who knows he's gay at 10 and a guy who drifts there later in life. As has been said before, there are many, many paths to this place called gay. Don't assume yours is somehow the only true path and everyone else is has perpetrated a fraud.

    I have no doubt that some guys start a sham marriage, but I think the vast majority are sincere marriages.

    That's kinda like saying a guy who cheats on his wife has perpetrated a sham because he was going to fall in love with another woman.


    I am a divorced dad with young kids...and I have dated several other dads in the same position. I have yet to meet a gay dad whose marriage was a sham.

    Mike


    Whatever happened to for better or for worse? Till death do you part? I guess for some guys, it's for better or for worse or until something more appealing comes along.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Jan 07, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    Speaking ONLY for me:

    I suscribe to Kinsey's scale to sexuality. I am neither 100% straight nor 100% gay. I was happy having sex with only women for 30 years. I am happy only having sex with men for the past 10 months. I chose not to act on my desires for men while married or otherwise committed to women.

    I would ask each of us to consider that men that live a straight lifestyle and then subsequently life a gay lifestyle were not neccessarily 100% repressed gay men living a lie. Right now I have suspress my desires for women just like I used to have to suspress my desires for men.

    Not neccessily easy shoes to walk in when you desire intimacy, committment, and monogamy.
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    Jan 07, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    Agreed, MM, and MyBud, I know there's a difference between having your orientation change and trying to be something you know you're not. It was the idea of treating it like some casual experiment in self-exploration/deception that made me uncomfortable, simply out of sympathy for the people affected.