My damaged perception of myself and the world

  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jan 11, 2011 6:11 AM GMT
    I need to just vent and maybe hear what some of you have to say.

    Basically, I met an amazing guy just under a year ago. We dated and fell in love, and I have been in love before, but this guy-- well, we were so connected that it seemed almost impossible that we would ever go through a breakup like we just did.

    Life is so strange and sometimes terribly discouraging.

    I life my life with virtue. I am brutally honest with people. I love that about myself-- and people tend to love that about me. And I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in this category-- until they show me reason for concern.

    In October, my BF and I had a big fight because he was really being lazy-- watching porn and youtube videos all day while I was at work. He was supposed to be working on his visa application so he could come here permanently from Israel. It's a big process, and I did much of the work for him because, despite his laziness, I loved him and wanted him to be here. We said the words "break-up," more (I think) as a threat than as a decision. Well, I found out a couple days later that the very same day, when I went to work, he went out and fucked someone from craigslist. Better yet, when I confronted him about it, he lied outwardly and it was quite believable. I made the breakup a reality. I loved him, and what comes next has really left me with some baggage.

    He went to Long Island, NY, for a couple weeks to work with a friend. He claimed that he met no one while he was there, because he was in the suburbs and had no interest in anyone but me. After I caught him lying about this (because I broke into his email) he fessed up and we agreed to put it behind us and give things another try. Love is, indeed, blind.

    We broke up again right before Thanksgiving. He moved out, subletted an apartment here in Chicago until his travel visa was expiring on the last day of the year, and yet we stayed in touch. His friends were my friends here, and we crossed paths, and were always forced into each other's company. We slept together numerous times in December. He knew that I was checking up on his emails because I didn't trust him but I loved him.... and well... he assured me that he only kept his passwords the same because he wanted me to know that his love for me was real and that he didn't want anyone but me-- and that he would do anything to get me back.

    I just knew I needed to defend myself. I kept on digging deeper-- for when you find a bit of sludge you just might strike oil. And I did. On Christmas night, while I was in Cleveland with the family, I found the "other" email address he had been keeping here for 2 months. He was fucking 2, sometimes 3 people every day. And I found out that his bullshit about the friends that he had a Christmas dinner here with in Chicago was all crap.

    In fact, he was at a crystal meth sex party for Christmas. And he had been doing it numerous times in the past month.

    We had a terrible parting. Most of my friends did not like him, and yet, for some reason, I loved him. And I still do, and always will, but I know we can't be together. I know that I can't ever trust him again.

    He claims that his lies to me were all fair because we were broken up. I'm just feeling ugly and sad right now. I took measures (such as breaking into his emails) that made me feel like a terrible person. But I KNEW that I had to find out whatever secrets he was hiding. While he was professing to love me and begging to try things again, he was getting his dick sucked on the other end of the phone.

    I estimate that he hooked up with 40 or so guys in the month of December. I saw pics. Many of them were ugly, fat-- whatever-- and it just made me feel even more worthless because this guy would have sex with anybody with a pulse.

    Has anyone been through something like this? How did you move on? I am truly crushed and exhausted.

    [Exhale.]

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 6:25 AM GMT
    Never been through anything like this since I just stayed away from my ex as soon as we broke up. You broke up with him for a reason and well obviously you were blinded by love to see that he really wasn't a good guy. When you saw the signs of trouble again you should have broken it off for good after Thanksgiving. The lies were not fair on his part because he was leading you on next time try not to find a deuce bag and you'll get over it somehow. You're still alive and breathing so... just keep your head up and I' sure you'll find someone else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 11:31 AM GMT
    Sounds like hes just drugged, in denial, and lying compuslively about it... he's in a really bad place himself... but then again things were already pointing that way when you said he was doing nothing for his Visa if he wanted to move there (that was a warning bell something is not ok with him)... I wouldnt take it personally then, since he is obviously not completely sensible

    I dated a guy who got on drugs like that too... that NEVER works out... the drugs make them act in ways that they are not themselves.. they cant usually be relied upon or trusted. not because of lack of character, but because the drugs simply do things to their brains... they cant function normally anymore... dont feel hurt by him.. he's incredibly hurt himself and uses the drug as an escape from a reality he doesnt want to and cannot face... he needs help, not from you really, but from professionals who can take emotional distance from him... thats not you, as you are emotionally involved with him... so you shouldnt help him... like a surgeon should never try to operate on, or a judge/jury ever pronounce a verdict over a child or parent, or someone close to them like that
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 11:59 AM GMT
    He's a psychopath. Look up the definition.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 12:41 PM GMT
    danisnotstr8 saidI need to just vent and maybe hear what some of you have to say.


    What a horrible situation.
    As for you, no need to feel worthless. The truth is, he himself feels worthless, which is why he lies, cheats, and lives the way he does, destroying what good he has in his life. Don't evaluate yourself with him as your standard.
    Ultimately, he needs professional help. And you are not it.
    How do you move on? You just do. Consider him a lost cause. You move on by accepting the reality of the situation, and the inevitability that he's not a good match for you.
    You can't help him unless he wants help, and frankly, you don't trust him, so no "true" relationship can be built there.
    I wish you the best on your journey of healing yourself. Time to grieve and mourn the loss. God bless you, buddy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 1:04 PM GMT
    You move on by accepting / acknowledging that the relationship wasn't right for you, despite your refusal to see that earlier on.

    There are 7 BILLION folks in The World. There almost certainly is another.

    You should study up on battered wife syndrome. That's you.

    You need to get this through your head: the only person that you can truly change is YOU. You refused to accept the fact that you could not change him, and continued to engage him, despite his behavior. That's call stupidity / bws.

    He is who he is. One thing that's certain: he's NOT right for you.

    Be grateful it's done; over with.

    The awesome thing about the past is that it's done and over with (usually).

    Be happy that you're rid of him and the anxiety that your relationship caused. Time for an upgrade.

    You also need to consider that you violate the personal space of someone when you go snooping through their emails.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    danisnotstr8 said (A) I am brutally honest with people. I love that about myself-- ...........
    (B) I took measures (such as breaking into his emails) that made me feel like a terrible person. But I KNEW that I had to find out whatever secrets he was hiding.


    How you got from (A) to (B) is a textbook case of what can happen if you ignore warning signs that are not just plainly visible, but practically being waved in your face.
    Don't beat yourself up too much about it, though. We've all been down this road at some point - just maybe not so far as this.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 11, 2011 1:20 PM GMT
    Sounds like a nightmare. I can't imagine a relationship like that.
    A number of points... it sounds like he really wanted to "explore"
    since his arrival to this country more than his need to value your relationship.
    He isn't settled.. in any way shape or form. Good relationships require
    a reasonably "settled" nature, comittment and trust.

    The fact you checked out his e-mails bothers me.. I realize you found out the truth that way, but it all shows a lack of trust. I think a relationship is over if your raiding e-mails and he routinely lies to you, about almost everything it seems.

    You definitely need to move on, there are many men who would value trust
    and appreciate your comittment. Try not to become jaded based on this
    bad experience.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 11, 2011 1:45 PM GMT
    I've been hurt before, but never like this. After the first breakup that would be about it for me. I don't really like this about myself, that I am so decisive even though I can love someone and still break up with him. I just know it's not worth the pain.

    As a person, I think it's great that you gave him a second chance, but unfortunately you open yourself up to more hurt.

    It sounds like it's going to take a lot of time to sort this out in your mind. Give yourself time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 11, 2011 5:13 PM GMT
    It's hard to know what happened in this situation because I'm only getting one side of the story, That's not to say what you said is a lie, but even when we tell the truth, we're lying: reality is subjective, as we only know it by how we see it. If you asked my ex why we broke you'd get a very different story than mine, and yet, neither of us would be saying anything that wasn't true. So I can't wade in too deeply here.

    What I think I know is from your story is that something went awry as soon as this "threat" came out. I'm not sure if that is what precipitated the cheating or if it had been occurring before, but that's definitely something to look at. Love is not about threats, most certainly when a visa is involved.

    Second, I'm not sure how much of this is "cheating." When you define broken up isn't necessarily the same as when he does. Much of this could be a lot of rebound (and from certain descriptions very unsafe) sex.

    Third, I'm actually a big proponent of lying being a necessary component of life. I know that sounds awful, but the truth is I think people are entitled to their own lives, and we as outsiders will inevitably butt in and want to know things we don't have a right or need to know. If in fact he thinks you were broken up, I would understand why he would lie about the other guys. Heck, I lied to my ex when we tried to get back together and he asked me if I had been with other guys in-between. The reason I told him no when in fact I did was because in theory it should not have mattered. We broke up and I had every right to be with another guy, but knowing my ex's philosophy on love and sex he would not give the patch up a chance if he knew I had some rebounds. So I lied because to me he didn't need to know the truth in my mind. Yes, that's completely subjective, and probably selfish to some people, but it doesn't change the fact that my sex life is private, and no one is entitled to it-- not even a lover-- if I don't want to divulge it (not in the case of when you're with a lover of course).

    Which leads me to my last point. The breaking into e-mails thing is bad-- mainly because it's illegal and you're invading someone's privacy. It doesn't really matter to me what sort of proof you found in them because taking this ala fourth amendment notion, if this were in a court, none of it would be permissible evidence because you illegally obtained the information. This is why you can't go into a house without a warrant. I'm not saying you'd ever be in court over this, just using the logic of it as a point that we as a society do not say this thing is OK even if it produces important information.

    The fact is if you got to the point where you were going to break into his e-mails in the name of love, you went too far. When you need to commit a crime in order to see if your relationship is healthy, that's a sure sign that it isn't. At that point you should have looked at yourself and walked away for seeing what this relationship was turning you into.

    And please know I'm not taking his side (though it probably sounds like it). Like I said, I only have your version of the events, which means to me I need to assess it for where his might lie. From what you described, that is where I see issue on or with you. That isn't to say he didn't do awful things, but I don't think relationships are wars to discover who did the most wrong. The case is usually that we both do bad things.

    The reason that's important to hear is two-fold. One, healing doesn't begin until we see the past for what it was. I felt so dirty over my break up, and to a large degree still do. But the only reason I have been able to move on is because I needed to understand how we both acted. I needed to take off both of us from the pedestal in my mind. When I did, I saw we were both flawed in the matter, both human. It let me forgive him and try to forgive myself, something I still struggle with, but work to right every day. I fought admitting guilt for the longest time, but it was the only way to move on. To me, that was the hardest part.

    Two, you can't better yourself if you don't know what you did. Consider this, like all of a life, as an important learning experience. You need to see how you got down this road where you were taken advantage of and where you slipped and did things you're not proud of doing. If you don't, then the situation could repeat itself.

    Depending on how well you deal with self-reflection, this could take a really long time to work through, but my advice is you have to dive headfirst into the muck. It's uncomfortable and it hurts, but it's the only way you can wash yourself of the situation. It's easy to label this guy a complete asshole and that he did all the wrong, but that's because it's easy, and rarely are things we must do in life the easy way. You'll never get past this if you stay in denial and label him as the bad guy. More importantly, you'll never let go of this pain if you abide by that philosophy. You need to be able to see what you both did, and then forgive him and yourself. I wish you the best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 5:39 PM GMT
    Voice22 said


    hehe that was real funny man, thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 6:29 PM GMT
    The only way to move on is to find someone nicer. It's no different to having a friend who tells you s/he loves you but behind your back is telling people they despise you, but like your money.

    When you do find someone nicer, your current situation will have a different perspective. It will be something that helps you appreciate the next person more. Dump the guy and listen to "I Will Survive" whenever you can't quite rid him from your mind.
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jan 11, 2011 6:34 PM GMT
    calibro saidIt's hard to know what happened in this situation because I'm only getting one side of the story...


    First, thank you for very thoughtful (and lengthy!) reply.

    I agree with every bit of what you've said here. And again, I'm not here to argue but to vent. And I certainly acknowledge that there must be other parts of this story, and that I'll have to accept my own wrong-doings in order to move on.

  • Syphon

    Posts: 366

    Jan 11, 2011 6:34 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear bud. The guy is a real fucktard. When you feel like you miss him, just think about what a slutty, dishonest, dirtbag he is and you'll get over him just fine.
  • JDean

    Posts: 166

    Jan 11, 2011 7:01 PM GMT
    I could possibly relate on a level, with a mild stretch. I just try not to think about it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 7:07 PM GMT
    Me thinks you owe Calibro at least a nice dinner out for the best answer
  • FredMG

    Posts: 988

    Jan 11, 2011 7:14 PM GMT
    Big Hugs.

    It hurts now, but that'll pass with time.

    Most importantly if he was cheating on you, he was putting you at risk for all kinds of STDs,

    Remember, you're awesome, and deserve someone better!

    Fred
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 8:43 PM GMT
    Check your email boo.

    I have been through the same, mine was only 2 months of cheating before I found out. You helped me through that.

    Want me to visit?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 8:49 PM GMT
    I went through a very similar situation very recently, you know what's best but the shattered image of the one you loved, and your realization plus the impact of such extreme disappointment is hard to deal with. Just surround yourself with friends, and take a day or 2 to enjoy yourself. It happened just the other day, but my worries have been farrr away.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 8:53 PM GMT
    Ha ha.....
  • shirty

    Posts: 290

    Jan 11, 2011 8:58 PM GMT
    I'm so sorry for you icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 9:17 PM GMT
    1. My condolences.
    2. I hope you've been to the doctor and gotten a full barrage of STI screening, liver panel and HIV test. If he was having crystal meth sex with fellow meth heads...lord have mercy.
    3. Don't beat yourself up over your own actions...or his. Just realize that mistakes were made, attempt to never repeat them, and move on.
    4. Move on.
    5. Move on.
    6. By move on I mean no further contact, no more sex with the ex and don't think about him. Don't talk about him. Don't email him a few months later. Don't wonder what he's doing. Imagine he's dead, buried, gone for good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2011 9:42 PM GMT
    Voice22 said


    Amazing.

    OP, hang in there. It gets easier, but you MUST steer clear (of that queer). He's dangerous to your physical and emotional well being!
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jan 11, 2011 9:48 PM GMT
    Pinny saidCheck your email boo.

    I have been through the same, mine was only 2 months of cheating before I found out. You helped me through that.

    Want me to visit?



    YES, come visit.