GAY GUYS WHO WISH TO BE "KEPT"

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 26, 2008 1:18 PM GMT
    A topic I've always wanted to chat about, but want to address it the right way.

    Do you have any gay friends that want a relationship where they are basically "kept", meaning that the partner basically pays the way. Their input comes from other means.. not financial.

    Now I'm not judging in the least, I'm curious. I have a friend who really wants that in his life. He doesn't want to have to get up and go to work (he quit a state job) and is looking for an older partner who will just take care of him. He is college educated, works about 5-10 hours a week and helps his two siblings (one of which has 2 kids) and owes everyone money.

    My bf can't stand the sight of him.

    I even know another guy (as an acquaintance) who actively looks for that. That guy isn't happy, isn't attractive and just complains.

    My view is if someone contributes significantly (even if it isn't finanical), its productive... but to a point.


    Your thoughts?
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    Mar 26, 2008 1:56 PM GMT
    People like that have no motivation for their life.They are emotional. They want to be sure that someone will love them and pay for them, keep them alive and surviving, and that is enough for me. That is definitely not a healthy of living.

    Back in January i stayed for two months without a job, just recently got my job, because i applied late to on campus jobs and most of them were filled in. Having been without a job for two months was hard, i had to pay my bills, and i have great friends who were willing to help, and i felt very guilty and horrible and small in their eyes, i could never take money.

    I dont know how people do it, live off other's money, its beyond me. But then again, when u approach someone like that, u should not treat them with resentment and hate, try to understand them, try to find their underlying forces, and with their will, try and help them.

    Trying to force a teenager to stop drinking with his friends wont work. U have to walk in his shoes and talk to him at his level, understand him, and take as a step by step process. I am grateful for my mother for doing that in understanding why I am gay.
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    Mar 26, 2008 2:11 PM GMT
    I hate work. Not gonna lie. But I would not like to be in a relationship for years without my own income only to be left when it ended with no money of my own to survive on. I wouldn't ever want to feel like I was depending on someone else for my own financial comfort.

    Plus the DINK (dual income no kids) lifestyle is awesome.

  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Mar 26, 2008 2:17 PM GMT
    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
    Sounds like a good idea - where can i sign up?

    All kidding aside, i am tired of financially careing for others (Ex wife, Ex partner) and figure it is time for me to be taken care of.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Mar 26, 2008 2:20 PM GMT
    I think there is a big difference between being the stay-at-home person in a relationship and being kept. When a married women doesn't work she's a housewife, when a partnered gay man doesn't work, he's referred to as being kept.

    I don't see anything wrong with a partnered gay man being a 'housewife' when it's a mutual, agreed upon decision if the working partner makes more than enough for the two of them.

    It's when a gay man, or anybody for that matter, needs to be kept, searches for (usually) an older person that can take care of them, that there are psychological issues that should be addressed. In that sort of senario, I don't see how it's a win-win situation for either person.
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    Mar 26, 2008 2:40 PM GMT
    I have a friend that's "kept". He's moved from one such relationship to another, and in between relied on his parents for money. I can't really say what he's contributed to each relationship (besides his ass, and the fact that he did porn) because I don't know the in's and out's of each, but he doesn't work, has no education (not even high school), sleeps in and shops all day.

    My bf and I stopped talking to him for a while when he claimed he was tired because he had a lot of dry cleaning to pick up that day, and needed a long nap. After working a 12 hour day, that's not what you want to hear. There is resentment from a lot of people- he's hardly ever worked, and always ends up with older guys who give him everything. And his older partners friends told tried to steer him clear of my friend also. But all of us realized that both of them in the relationship are consenting adults, and he isn't forcing these older guys to buy him cars, clothes, and jewelry. If they say they are in love, then we can't judge. I hate when other people try to put their own ideas and judgments onto my relationship, so it's not fair for me to do anyone else. And we don't accept gifts from him, because we know who really paid for it. Plus they're both crazy anyways, so keeping them away from the general population is a good thing.
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    Mar 26, 2008 2:49 PM GMT
    ShawnTO saidI think there is a big difference between being the stay-at-home person in a relationship and being kept. When a married women doesn't work she's a housewife, when a partnered gay man doesn't work, he's referred to as being kept.

    I don't see anything wrong with a partnered gay man being a 'housewife' when it's a mutual, agreed upon decision if the working partner makes more than enough for the two of them.

    It's when a gay man, or anybody for that matter, needs to be kept, searches for (usually) an older person that can take care of them, that there are psychological issues that should be addressed. In that sort of senario, I don't see how it's a win-win situation for either person.



    I'm with ShawnTO here. There's nothing wrong when the relationship is designed THIS way; you know, the "stay at home mom" so to speak. There's a mutual understanding in regards to this.
    However, when the individual is seeking out this sense of being "kept" because they're lazy, non-motivated or feel that someone OWES them, then there's something VERY unhealthy about that person. And for someone to take them on and "keep" them, there is also something wrong with him.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 26, 2008 2:58 PM GMT
    Interesting observation by Shawn and I certainly have no problem with a relationship designed in a way that both partners give in different ways that are objective and substantial.

    I think there are two focuses here.. the above and the situation I mentioned in my original post.... that is the gay guy who looks for someone to take care of him, doesn't work, etc.
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    Mar 26, 2008 3:16 PM GMT
    Kept? Like a garden? I don't I'm not a hoe. This sounds kind of like possible reason as to why some gays started to refer to themselves as "Queens". Not that there's anything wrong with gardening at all, but unless there's the sort of guy who doesn't want his boyfriend to work or do anything, than this queen mentality is pretty deprecating. If anything I want to make my own way, and am mostly attracted to guys whom can make their own way, but understand that all responsibilities[ and rewards] are shared (as often as possible) =P
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Mar 26, 2008 3:33 PM GMT
    While the idea of being a "kept man" is tempting, especially after another day of work that I don't particularly enjoy (it's temp work), I have difficulties imagining myself just living off of someone else's income and not contributing to the household.

    I also don't like the idea of owing someone for providing me an unsustainable lifestyle (having a student loan is bad enough!).

    If I was going to life off of someone in that manner (for whatever reason), I imagine that I'd develop a bit of cunning just in order to maintain my precarious position and to secure myself for when it ends.

    Still, relying on someone else in that manner and not seeking to produce anything on my own seems unseemly.
  • Powertrip

    Posts: 64

    Mar 26, 2008 3:36 PM GMT
    I wouldn't compare it to the "housewife" situation in the straight world, mostly because the "housewife" stays home either because she is thought to be incapable of performing well at work or because of the kids.

    Ejehmmm.. Most of us don't have kids and are quite capable of working.

    I've known a couple of those guys who want to be "kept" and live out of other ppl's money. I even had a bf who was like that and believe me it wasn't pretty, mostly because they're usually these handsome guys who use their sexuality as currency... they basically sell themselves for money, it's disgusting, really. Of course it didn't last... I let him go (ok, he was always on the prawl for someone with more money who could keep him better)... he broke my heart, then I broke his ego ('cause I couldn't find his heart anyway) and we were even.

    I hope I'm not confusing the two kinds of guys, the kept guy and the manwhore because this one was kind of a mix of the two.
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    Mar 26, 2008 3:38 PM GMT
    Well I want kids, and I would gladly be a stay at home dad for them. So one day in the future, I imagine myself raising kids, cooking meals, and maybe working 10 hours a week or so at a health club or bike shop. I guess at this point, my career hasn't really taken hold, and if I were to find a man who had the career firmly in mind, I would put mine on hold for his. I would keep working, but it would be more in the nature of something part time. I wouldn't think that what I'm open to applies as "being kept" though.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Mar 26, 2008 4:21 PM GMT
    I met a guy (years ago now) who at the time was probably in his late 30's or early 40's. He was still good looking but his "boyish" looks had definitely faded by that point and he was getting kicked out of the house (replaced by a newer model) where he had lived with an older, wealthy man.
    He had spent many years living the high life with little or no consideration to his own future or well-being and was now headed to the street with no skills or education.
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    Mar 26, 2008 4:38 PM GMT
    I have a simple philosophy in life. "If you like to spend it you better like to earn it". I have always avoided guys that I suspected wanted to be kept. It is ironic that I "married" a younger Asian guy, because I am sure that is what some gays think the basis of the relationship is. Spending a few minutes with my partner would disspell that notion! He has always been very self-reliant.

    Some couples do seem to make it work where one guy stays at home and is the househusband. I could not do it because I hate domestic work (cooking, cleaning) and I loathe daytime TV. I would be bored out of my skull.
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    Mar 26, 2008 4:45 PM GMT
    Whitey saidWell I want kids, and I would gladly be a stay at home dad for them. So one day in the future, I imagine myself raising kids, cooking meals, and maybe working 10 hours a week or so at a health club or bike shop....


    You'd look smashing in maternity wear, Whitey! icon_lol.gif
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Mar 26, 2008 4:59 PM GMT
    Back in my old relationship, I was (and still am) in university, whereas my ex had finished his degrees and was making some decent money. I worked as well, and made a fuckload of money for someone in university, and I contributed to the rent and to food and whatnot...but he always contributed more. He was the one buying the furniture, buying the electronics, etc. I contributed to our lifestyle but he definitely provided the frills I couldn't afford.

    Is that such a bad thing? I never considered myself as a 'kept' guy (other than the whole monogamy aspect) but he still provided a lot that I could not have afforded. I discovered why this isn't a fun situation when we broke up and had our 'gay divorce'..he got everything. Mostly because he paid for it all. I don't like having my life ripped away from me, which is why I've redoubled my efforts to increase my independence. But I've never used someone or intentionally dated someone for the financial benefits.
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    Mar 26, 2008 5:37 PM GMT
    I agree with BioMatty. I am in college right now and my bf does all he can to make sure I am living comfortably. He is graudated and making a good amount of money. He helps me out as much as he can, but I didn't ask for any of it. I also don't think of myself as kept. And well, I also have two jobs and taking a full load of classes every semester, including summer, so yea, thats just me.

    But when it comes to the whole "kept" thing, I think its very gross and disgusting to see someone who doesn't want to do anything with their life and basically live for free and live good at that. But I guess if there is a person who wants to "keep" someone and be happy with it, well good for them. Definitely not for me though.
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    Mar 26, 2008 5:38 PM GMT
    A gr8 knowledge 4 me also n my opinion just landing up but let me give u the difference such a "kept" type of a relationship is not possible in India as Gay marriges are not allowed hereicon_confused.gif...thats the one difference in India n US...

    But comin to the point that if u people openly go with such a relation"ship" there..then i think the Ship never sails on only 'coz of the "captain" but there's "crew" associated also..so here in this scenario both the partners are the two - captain n crew..so its upto their own situations to make the ship sail great...the situation differs from couple to coupleicon_rolleyes.gif... we can't put a mandatory bet here...

    Yes, if both earn the ship will be rocking with swimming pool, billards, gamble clubs, parties, sexy dolls n all that leisure one desires.. will be provided to the two of them...the captain n the crew-ofcourse.. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 26, 2008 6:19 PM GMT
    What about just the opposite? Is there anyone out there who likes to keep the finances separate, like me?

    For example, I don't prefer that I or the other guy pay for a dinner, but that we each pay our own ways, and such throughout the relationship.

    I'm sure this will change when I've had more experience with a more significant LTR, but for now I think it simplifies expectations and shows that each individual has the independence and merit to take care of himself.
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    Mar 26, 2008 6:29 PM GMT
    I have to agree with ShawnTO. I think it's about what each person is getting out of the relationship. You're friend is at least being honest about what he would like in a relationship. I don't think there is anything wrong with it as long as both parties are aware of what they are getting in to.

    In my opinion people need to stop telling other people how to live their lives. My idea of a perfect relationship is not the same as someone else's and it shouldn't have to be. As long as everyone is being honest and not hurting each other, let them define how they want to live their lives.
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    Mar 26, 2008 6:52 PM GMT
    Skotlake saidWhat about just the opposite? Is there anyone out there who likes to keep the finances separate, like me?

    For example, I don't prefer that I or the other guy pay for a dinner, but that we each pay our own ways, and such throughout the relationship.

    I'm sure this will change when I've had more experience with a more significant LTR, but for now I think it simplifies expectations and shows that each individual has the independence and merit to take care of himself.


    I like a certain amount of independence in the finance area, I don't mind paying for dinner though, as long as he reciprocates every so often. I am generous when it comes to gifts, but that is because I spend very little on myself so I might as well spend it on my partner.

    Finances is one of the big triggers for arguments in any relationship, gay or straight.
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    Mar 26, 2008 6:55 PM GMT
    BioMatty saidBack in my old relationship, I was (and still am) in university, whereas my ex had finished his degrees and was making some decent money. I worked as well, and made a fuckload of money for someone in university, and I contributed to the rent and to food and whatnot...but he always contributed more. He was the one buying the furniture, buying the electronics, etc. I contributed to our lifestyle but he definitely provided the frills I couldn't afford.

    Is that such a bad thing? I never considered myself as a 'kept' guy (other than the whole monogamy aspect) but he still provided a lot that I could not have afforded. I discovered why this isn't a fun situation when we broke up and had our 'gay divorce'..he got everything. Mostly because he paid for it all. I don't like having my life ripped away from me, which is why I've redoubled my efforts to increase my independence. But I've never used someone or intentionally dated someone for the financial benefits.


    In your situation I would definitely not consider you kept since you were contributing to the rent and food despite a limited income. I think that is all any guy can expect when the income differential is great.

    It is when one guy makes no effort to contribute in any way (financially or chores) and sucks the over person dry that it becomes a problem.
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    Mar 26, 2008 7:04 PM GMT
    Aside from financial considerations, if one guy is involved with work and meetings all day, what would the other guy - the one with no career - be doing? If the answer is "just shopping and having lunch with friends" then I'd see a problem with compatibility. The one guy would have so much going on - interests in business and he would find the "just shopping" guy a bit dull at the end of the day. Each guy should contribute to the world somehow - and accomplish something meaningful during his day - and then the two guys would have something to talk about at night - they'd be on an even playing field. In short, it wouldn't bother me if I was the only 'wage earner' but I'd want the other guy to be involved in something meaningful - school, volunteer work, something other than just shopping or lying by the pool all day.
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Mar 26, 2008 7:36 PM GMT
    I know of a guy who's around my age-- nice body but his face looks kinda like he was beaten with a shovel-- who lives with a guy about 10-15 years older... the older guy's kind of-- how to put it-- potato-ish, so he probably thought he'd hit the jackpot when they got together. But from all of my observations of them at the bar and in the local chatroom, the young guy's *constantly* cruising other younger guys while Potato's footing the bills. Personally, I find it kinda contemptible (mostly on the younger guy's part), whatever rationale they may have for staying together.

    For my part, the only way I'd want to be "kept" is kind of a kinky scenario, the details of which I'll spare everyone ;)
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Mar 26, 2008 7:37 PM GMT
    imperator saidI know of a guy who's around my age-- nice body but his face looks kinda like he was beaten with a shovel-- who lives with a guy about 10-15 years older... the older guy's kind of-- how to put it-- potato-ish, so he probably thought he'd hit the jackpot when they got together. But from all of my observations of them at the bar and in the local chatroom, the young guy's *constantly* cruising other younger guys while Potato's footing the bills. Personally, I find it kinda contemptible (mostly on the younger guy's part), whatever rationale they may have for staying together.

    For my part, the only way I'd want to be "kept" is kind of a kinky scenario, the details of which I'll spare everyone ;)


    Oh sure...leave out the good part!