Jan 12, 2011 3:01 PM GMT
One of my closest friends committed suicide and its been eating me alive all week. I haven’t slept for three days and I’m disgusted by the thought of food. She the only friend I ever made (excluding here) that knew I was gay. She was pretty much the only person who ever got to know the entirety of who I was and our lives were connected in so many ways. If I was straight, we would probably be dating, and she used to tell me all the time how she wishes I was her boyfriend, half joking half not. She wound up settling for a guy who treated her like dirt, and he and I used to fight all the time.
In the end she would always take his side and sometimes she would say little things like “He’s all I’ve got, who else is gonna love me…..you?” I don’t think she understood how much it hurt me to hear that because as time went on she started saying it more often. Nobody can say for sure why she did it, but it happened the night she broke up with her grimy piece-of-shit boyfriend.
Her death was hard enough and the not knowing why was the worst part because I thought we discussed everything with each other. In an effort to keep myself distracted from having to deal with her death and also to find some sort of closure, I have been dissecting the her entire history on facebook e-mail etc. We knew each others passwords but I would never have violated her privacy while she was alive. I just made it to the end of her skype chat history, these are some of things she said to her sister on the night she committed suicide. They’re all about me.
“Don't you think I get fuckin tired of being used by guys like………..It makes me feel like shit.”
“whats worse is finding this prince charming and finding out that no matter how hard you try he’s never gonna see anything more than a sister figure. (my name) Is like a dream that I want to wake up from but I can’t and it tortures me everyday. Sick fucking joke”
“Im just like fuck all at this point, the man I want doesn't want me and the man that does want me treats me like shit and sometimes I think life would be nicer if I had not met (bfs name) or (my name) cuz at least I would be free.”
“There is a perfect guy for me he just is into other guys. I wish there was something that could change cuz even when I tell him I love him he just ignores me and it fucking is killing me because I don't want to be with (bfs name) I want to be with him. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!”
“Maybe if he would give me a second look I wouldn't feel so worthless and invisible”
She eventually calmed down glossed over a happier topic and signed off. When I read that I felt so scared and bad that I actually had to throw up. I feel like I am the reason she killed herself? I had asked her sister if she had mentioned me at all and she lied and said no, but I guess in this situation I would have lied too. I don't even know what to do anymore, I don't want to move or do anything. I’ve never, ever felt like this before. I could barely deal with losing her but now this mixture of guilt and regret and nausea is just washing over me and making me feel…..I don’t even know. Honestly, I know probably no one has been in this situation before so I’m not looking for brilliant advice, but Im just posting this because at least the thoughts aren’t bouncing like ping pong balls in my brain that no one can see I’ve always prided myself on being a mentally sound person but this is just to much. I literally feel like I am about to go insane.