never felt this despair before

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    Jan 12, 2011 3:01 PM GMT

    One of my closest friends committed suicide and its been eating me alive all week. I haven’t slept for three days and I’m disgusted by the thought of food. She the only friend I ever made (excluding here) that knew I was gay. She was pretty much the only person who ever got to know the entirety of who I was and our lives were connected in so many ways. If I was straight, we would probably be dating, and she used to tell me all the time how she wishes I was her boyfriend, half joking half not. She wound up settling for a guy who treated her like dirt, and he and I used to fight all the time.
    In the end she would always take his side and sometimes she would say little things like “He’s all I’ve got, who else is gonna love me…” I don’t think she understood how much it hurt me to hear that because as time went on she started saying it more often. Nobody can say for sure why she did it, but it happened the night she broke up with her grimy piece-of-shit boyfriend.
    Her death was hard enough and the not knowing why was the worst part because I thought we discussed everything with each other. In an effort to keep myself distracted from having to deal with her death and also to find some sort of closure, I have been dissecting the her entire history on facebook e-mail etc. We knew each others passwords but I would never have violated her privacy while she was alive. I just made it to the end of her skype chat history, these are some of things she said to her sister on the night she committed suicide. They’re all about me.

    “Don't you think I get fuckin tired of being used by guys like………..It makes me feel like shit.”

    “whats worse is finding this prince charming and finding out that no matter how hard you try he’s never gonna see anything more than a sister figure. (my name) Is like a dream that I want to wake up from but I can’t and it tortures me everyday. Sick fucking joke”

    “Im just like fuck all at this point, the man I want doesn't want me and the man that does want me treats me like shit and sometimes I think life would be nicer if I had not met (bfs name) or (my name) cuz at least I would be free.”

    “There is a perfect guy for me he just is into other guys. I wish there was something that could change cuz even when I tell him I love him he just ignores me and it fucking is killing me because I don't want to be with (bfs name) I want to be with him. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!”

    “Maybe if he would give me a second look I wouldn't feel so worthless and invisible”

    She eventually calmed down glossed over a happier topic and signed off. When I read that I felt so scared and bad that I actually had to throw up. I feel like I am the reason she killed herself? I had asked her sister if she had mentioned me at all and she lied and said no, but I guess in this situation I would have lied too. I don't even know what to do anymore, I don't want to move or do anything. I’ve never, ever felt like this before. I could barely deal with losing her but now this mixture of guilt and regret and nausea is just washing over me and making me feel…..I don’t even know. Honestly, I know probably no one has been in this situation before so I’m not looking for brilliant advice, but Im just posting this because at least the thoughts aren’t bouncing like ping pong balls in my brain that no one can see I’ve always prided myself on being a mentally sound person but this is just to much. I literally feel like I am about to go insane.

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    Jan 12, 2011 3:05 PM GMT

    I have no words
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    Jan 12, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    dekiruman, I lost a cousin to suicide, two friends, and a couple of work acquaintances.

    Your friend's comments are no different than some gay man's comments
    He is with a bf that makes him feel bad, but he doesn't want to be alone. Meanwhile, the guy he really wants and is hung up on doesn't feel the same way.

    This also happens with situations where everyone involved is straight. Suppose you were straight and already had a girlfriend that you were in love with and dedicated to? Your friend would have the same complaint, the same angst, the same depression that she acted out under the influence of.

    Even if you had gone out with her and faked it for her, she would have known.

    You are in NO WAY responsible for her death.

    Huge hugs -Doug

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    Jan 12, 2011 3:30 PM GMT
    Here's a hug and a good dose of empathy because I too have experienced the affects of suicide in my own family.

    Please don't blame yourself, you were open with her about being gay so have no need to feel remorse from missleading her because you didn't. It never is easy trying to figure out the why's behind suicide, we still talk about why my favorite aunt took her life in 1971.

    Hang in there and please don't shrink back into your shell, associate with people and stay physically active while your going through this, it will help. Give some of us here a shout out, I'm sure many of us will be glad to talk to you if you reach out. Take care, Dennis
  • Midas426

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    Jan 12, 2011 3:35 PM GMT
    Wow. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend's suicide. I can relate to your friend in the sense that there is this guy that I wish we could be in a relationship but I know he's not at that place in his life and may never be.

    It doesn't take away your loss but ultimately she made the decision to end her life. It is not your fault.

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    Jan 12, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    Bill and Doug (meninlove) took the words right out of my fingers.
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    Jan 12, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    There is not much to say. Suicide is hard to get over, and you will likely pose many questions to yourself that have no answers and are unfair (asking if you are the reason she killed herself is being unfair to yourself.) Reading her words cuts... you could offer her friendship, advice, platonic love but not more; not what she had wished for. She knew and accepted that you could not change your orientation; that no matter how much you loved her there was no hope for romance. What you read was her frustration with that reality and her love for you.

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    Jan 12, 2011 3:55 PM GMT
    dekiruman saidWhen I read that I felt so scared and bad that I actually had to throw up. I feel like I am the reason she killed herself?

    This unfortunate person was mentally unstable, and fixated on you as a way of deflecting her own issues. This is known in psychology.

    Listen to your Bob. You get yourself to a counselor ASAP. This is not healthy for you. You need someone you will trust who can reassure you that this is about her, not about you. You need this unfair guilt taken off your shoulders, and quickly. Otherwise you are going down the path she did, as perhaps she intended.

    Will you promise to do this? Are you a college student? I didn't see it in your profile, but you do mention fencing, not something you do on the Hudson River docks (I'm originally from there, BTW, went to prep school right where you live).

    If so, then college counselors are usually free. Make an appointment today! I did at 55 when my partner died of AIDS, because sometimes these emotions are outside of our own ability to handle.

    If not available through a campus, contact a gay & lesbian center there. They all can connect you with such services. If you don't know how then get back to me here, and I will do it for you. I still know New Jersey.

    Will you do this? Please? And not delay? Just talk to a mental health counselor. OK? Bob
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    Jan 12, 2011 4:38 PM GMT
    Lostboy said/hug/

    I have no words

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    Jan 13, 2011 12:56 PM GMT
    I hope you are doing a little better today. I was listening to the first part of a CBC radio program "ideas" tonight. It was discussing suicide, reasons, genetics and a lot of other things. Normally I would have listened and been interested; this time I listened and thought that you might find some comfort in it. I'll post it here rather than a PM because a few others might find the information interesting or helpful.
    The preamble states "According to the World Health Organization, an estimated one million people kill themselves every year. In Canada alone, 3,000 people die by their own hands. Traditionally, almost all religions have condemned suicide, and many people prefer not to talk about it, shrouding the final act in mystery and stigma. Today, suicide is viewed as a major health crisis that devastates families and friends. Freelance writer Hassan Ghedi Santur speaks to psychiatrists, researchers and grieving families to explore the enigma of suicide. "