Is it worth settling for a boyfriend?

  • AaronEcstasy

    Posts: 33

    Jan 13, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    I've talked to waaay too many female friends (and some family members) about this, but I've finally decided I probably could just use the insight of some other gay or bisexual men who might have once been in the same position. Their answers are typically always the same--that it's better to consider the long-term rewards of commitment and companionship, that after the first year it isn't going to ever be as sexually exciting as it once was, that I expect too much, etc. Yet sometimes I just don't know... I have a hard time swallowing that pill, so to speak. (I apologize in advance for the long topic. Lol.)

    I've been with my boyfriend for roughly ten or eleven months, since early last year. We met in college and sort of just leaped into dating after less than a week. I had just come out roughly six months before that, so I'd never been in any serious relationship with a guy; just countless flings, hookups, etc. I thrived on those hookups... they gave me a twisted form of validation, in some way, and every time I went out in ended up being all I ever thought about. I thrived on each next hookup, I had a newfound sense of confidence I lacked before I had come out.

    After half a year of that kind of behavior, I sort of spontaneously met him through a mutual friend who 'suggested' we get together. I found him attractive, not flawless or anything, but he had a cute little twink-ish kind of look. He was very sweet and considerate, but a little naive. The beginning of our relationship was mostly physical, he'd come to my room at night, and we'd mess around or have sex, etc. But this past winter semester was endlessly different. We started to fight all the time, get in arguments... when we actually talked about issues of substance, we never saw eye-to-eye on anything. Long story short, I felt like we never looked at the world in the same way, or the relationship itself. I kept having more and more thoughts of temptation, thoughts of getting with other people and to just sort of 'breaking free' to start dating again.

    I feel very ambivalent about it, though. I genuinely do love and cherish his companionship, I love his kindness and dedication to making things work between us. He's always supportive and sweet after I have a long or difficult day, he comforts me. I've thought about taking it a step back to be a 'less serious' or open relationship, but he really won't have it... he wants either all or nothing, a full commitment.

    Does anyone on here find that it's worth 'sucking up' all sexual desire to try and dedicate yourself to one person, even if intuitively you know he isn't (and will never) be a soul-mate? Should I just enjoy the moment? Try and make the best of what I have, and resist "acting like a slut?" I worry that while I'd be moderately satisfied with him, I could be out finding someone else that I connect to on a more fulfilling level. Maybe I'm just afraid to take that risk?

    Has anyone else ever experienced conflicting emotions about a partner? How did you handle them and what did you ultimately do?
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    Jan 13, 2011 5:27 AM GMT
    Here's your answer, in your post, "even if intuitively you know he isn't (and will never) be a soul-mate?"

    That's pretty well it.

    -Doug
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    Jan 13, 2011 5:29 AM GMT
    Wall of text crits you for 100000000000000
    You die.

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 13, 2011 5:31 AM GMT
    Samm77 saidWall of text crits you for 100000000000000
    You die.

    icon_biggrin.gif


    Quoted for truth.

    and btw listen to meninlove, he's got it right
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    Jan 13, 2011 5:32 AM GMT
    In all seriousness though, it's something that you'd have to face on your own. Regardless of what anyone tells you, you still have your mind set on something.. if it's one way or the other you KNOW which way you're leaning towards. If you don't want to be in a situation, you shouldn't just sit there quietly and not say anything. You'd just be wasting someone elses time as well as your own.

    Speak your mind, but to the other person that's in the scenario icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 13, 2011 5:43 AM GMT
    I think the reason you are having these thoughts is because he came into your life at a point that you may not actually be ready to be in a committed relationship yet. You are only 20 years old. You still desire to date others and look around to see what's out there.

    It's hard to tell what the future holds because people change over time. I once had a 6 year relationship and both of us started and ended as different people. I started dating him when I was around your age. He was far from what I considered the perfect guy but over the years, I "grew" to see him as my soul mate, until things ended I suppose. I cherished what was good about him and I accepted the bad things. I sucked it up because I wanted to have a long term relationship with him.

    Over the years, I've learned that the grass is just as green on the other side of the fence. Every guy has great things and bad things about them. You'll have to learn how to adapt to them, embracing their good qualities and accepting their bad ones. If your desire is to explore then do so because you'll no doubt still have that itch. But don't expect to meet the "perfect" man. Perfect just doesn't exist. Just my two cents.
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    Jan 13, 2011 5:49 AM GMT
    Never settle. Ever.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Jan 13, 2011 6:54 AM GMT
    Interesting and thoughtful post. On the one hand, you do enjoy his company and your time together. On the other hand, you don't feel the deep connection one would hope for in a partner.

    Quite the quandary.

    I don't have any sage advice based on my past experiences but I surmise that if you don't feel content in the situation now, that feeling will likely only grow as time passes.
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    Jan 13, 2011 7:09 AM GMT
    Having been in your bf's shoes a time or two (and of a very similar mindset), set him free. Stop toying with him. Bottom line is: is he worth it to you? If not, then let someone else have the part in his life you don't want. If he is worth it, then stick to it. He's likely going to be the most loyal friend and bf you'll ever have.
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    Jan 13, 2011 7:12 AM GMT
    He sounds like he's far too good for you. Your boyfriend is obviously into you but you're not into him. You want to fool around, have fun with other guys, explore your boundaries. There is nothing wrong with that but I think you should stop stringing along your boyfriend. He deserves better.
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    Jan 13, 2011 8:08 AM GMT
    BostonVball saidNever settle. Ever.


    Unless its the hot and "perfect" guy who settles for you?

    Nothing personal but that's quite a naive way of looking at it. Obviously, find someone who is a great fit and has qualities you enjoy but no one is perfect and "settling" will always occur.


    To main topic: stop blaming him and the relationship aspect so much and look at yourself and whats going wrong there because you'll never be happy with someone until you know what you want.
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    Jan 14, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    AaronEcstasy said
    1) We met in college and sort of just leaped into dating after less than a week. I had just come out roughly six months before that, so I'd never been in any serious relationship with a guy....;
    2) Has anyone else ever experienced conflicting emotions about a partner? How did you handle them and what did you ultimately do?

    You met in college and it's your first stab at a relationship. The odds are this isn't going to be the love of your life. You have to get out and experience more. At this point you don't understand yourself or your needs well enough to relate to someone on a deep level. Think of this as your starter relationship.

    2) Every relationship causes conflicting emotions unless you are a character in a cartoon. But if the connection between you is strong you will address the conflicted feelings and find ways to resolve them.
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    Jan 14, 2011 1:37 PM GMT
    AaronEcstasy said... even if intuitively you know he isn't (and will never) be a soul-mate?

    As said above, that statement gives you your answer. Only thing if that thought is based on him not being perfect, and you demand perfection, then anything less would be settling. If you can completely accept someone not being perfect, then you're not settling. Maybe both of you could agree to a trial separation, if that would help you sort out your thoughts.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 14, 2011 1:57 PM GMT
    If you aren't happy or satisfied with your life, then the answer is no.

    I love my partner dearly and we don't even live together.... and I've never viewed it as "settling".

    I think what you seem to value most will dictate what you should do. There isn't a "black or white" answer or "right or wrong".......it's what you want.. and that makes it right for you.
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    Jan 14, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    If in the back of your head you're always going to feel like you're "settlling," then break it off. Out of fairness to everyone, especially your partner.