The Theory of Date-ability and the Non-existence of Soulmates

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    Jan 13, 2011 11:41 AM GMT
    Based off of all the topics and what the machine gun mouth with the red hair said (I think he's cool btw), there's this idea of date-ability. Personally, I don't believe in soulmates - that one person out of the 7 billion people in the world made just for me. I believe that through a confluence of factors: personality, looks, money, interests, quirks and eccentricities, some people are just more date-able than others. Whatever mix of these factors we have, there can be anywhere from 0 (if mega-creepy) to 100 (or maybe more) people with whom we can have full happy long-term relationships with. I do feel like the biggest deal breaker out of all the factors is insecurity. No matter how hot we are or how much money we have, if we spend every 2 minutes checking up on our significant other because we have no life besides him/her, then it's bound to fall apart. That said.. I echo everyone else who says we should probably work on ourselves first before hunting out a boyfriend.

    I think the idea of a soulmate lulls people into a false sense of security... like - no matter how wrecked we are, someone is out there waiting to just sweep us off our feet and make it all better. The whole knight-in-shining-armor idea makes us complacent. That person isn't out there! We have to work on us ourselves. It's just a thought. Whattya think?
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    Jan 13, 2011 12:23 PM GMT
    I think you haven't met him yet...and yes, it is an impossible miracle when you do, so the search may seem futile, especial if you are not ready.
    It take a complete compilation of the space time continuum.
    Sometimes he is right in front of you, but something keeps you from making the connection, other times it is the guy across the room: the eye contact haunts you for weeks; again, you are not ready.
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    Jan 13, 2011 12:25 PM GMT



    There's an assumption here that there is only one soul-mate for each person.
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    Jan 13, 2011 12:37 PM GMT
    meninlove said


    There's an assumption here that there is only one soul-mate for each person.
    icon_wink.gif


    ah, yes, do not make that assumption, just hope you don't find more than one at the same time: I heard you start listening to county music.
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    Jan 13, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    There is no soul mate

    Only a series of loves

    Each one changes us
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    Jan 13, 2011 5:42 PM GMT
    I don't believe there is only one soulmate. There will always be others if you keep your eyes open. Someone else will score equally if not better on this so-called "date-ability" or compatibility scale.

    And that is what I find most challenging things about comitting to a monogamous relationship - at what point do you stop looking? At what point should we feel content and stop the comparison shopping? I know many who simply don't.
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    Jan 13, 2011 6:23 PM GMT
    When a lot of gay guys talk about meeting their "soulmate", I get the feeling that they're just talking about meeting a clone of themselves, which is boring and creepy.

    I think over the course of your life you'll meet guys that you have a lot in common with, guys you have less in common with, guys whose personalities and character (sense of humor, extroversion, values) click with yours, and other guys who don't. No one is going to have every quality on a checklist of the Ideal Soulmate, and you'll be surprised at the people who do become your best friends and partners.

    Also, I think a lot of gay men deprive themselves of the opportunity to experience this kind of connection with someone by expecting to be swept off their feet at first sight, like in a movie. When things don't happen immediately, or when (God forbid) there's compromise or work involved in building a relationship, they're not interested, they're off to the next hookup.
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    Jan 13, 2011 9:27 PM GMT
    I believe in a soulmate, but I don't think a soulmate is the one person who ever existed in the world that would give me a chance at "happily ever after."

    My definition of a soulmate is someone with whom I want to be a better person and that being with me would make him want to be a better person. There could be dozens of people who fit my criteria. There could be millions. The point is, once I find my 'soulmate' I stop looking.


    I agree that looking for a relationship to fix personal deficiencies is a recipe for disaster. If you can't love yourself, then you won't be capable of sharing love with another person.

    I don't know where clone came into the conversation. Statistically opposites don't attract. If two people enjoy some of the same activities, then they spend time doing those activities together. It seems pretty basic that if you enjoy an activity and spend time with someone else who also enjoys that activity, you might stay together and do the activity together.
    Doesn't mean you have to like all the same things, as long as you can both appreciate the differences in each other.

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    Jan 13, 2011 10:07 PM GMT

    Whereas I'm thinking opposites do indeed often attract, but that doesn't mean they are successful. Yikes, sometimes I think that expression was meant as a cautionary saying.

    It's interesting about a relationship and personal deficiencies. When I met Bill I was not in as good shape physically. When we met we began doing all kinds of outdoor stuff. We both put on healthy weight and our bodies gained muscles that got us a lot of attention in bars. So we were told by others.

    We were both poor and once met, our dreams of the future together had us making money and climbing corporate ladders. A relationship, a good one, can inspire remarkably.

    Everyone at times has a little self doubt. A good love is like a mirror of your best self.

    -Doug
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    Jan 13, 2011 10:35 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidThere is no soul mate

    Only a series of loves

    Each one changes us


    This is a very realist type of view in my opinion. I kind of agree with this.
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    Jan 13, 2011 10:53 PM GMT
    I guess the meaning of soul-mate varies for different people. For some reason, I just always thought that conventional wisdom dictated that s/he was just one person among the 7 billion. I googled it and apparently it isn't, so you guys have the right idea.

    There is, however, the idea of a twin soul which is pretty much that one person out of the rest of the world who is our perfect match. Having that idea is what I find destructive and sometimes it's that concept that's perpetuated in film, tv and books.

    I brought up the whole idea of "date-ability" because back when I was in the closet and studying heterosexual relationships, I noticed that some of my friends had gone through 5/6/7 boyfriends by the time they were 20 and some had 0. The ones who had more were always the ones who were more secure. (I'm not saying more is better though). I figured since sometimes guys get so desperate to have a boyfriend for what I think are the wrong reasons, it was a good topic to bring up.
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    Jan 13, 2011 11:05 PM GMT
    I agree that people enter into relationships for the wrong reasons, in some cases because they can't tolerate being alone. For this very reason, I think people with more relationships aren't always necessarily the more secure.
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    Jan 14, 2011 10:11 PM GMT
    i belive most people misunderstood soulmate. It is not a perfect person made to perfectly fit ur life. I dont belive anyone is perfect. To me its the imperfections that makes him perfect n thats what complete us. Have u all forgotten? After all, we are just human.