Confused and bummed

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    Jan 13, 2011 10:30 PM GMT
    I was wondering if I could use some of the wise ears and kind hearts of you guys as a sounding board. I guess the answer is obvious, but I just thought Id get some input...

    I have been involved with a guy for 1.5 years now. The past 5 months we have just been "friends" (basically dating without the sex). We have had many ups and downs. He is a lot older than me. As much as I enjoy his company and the good times we share, he can be very inconsiderate, insensitive, and is a very selfish person. He is very guarded. He also lies almost to the point of it being pathological, in my opinion. He has always had another pseudo-boyfriend and they are still doing whatever it is that they do. I dont think he has ever lied or been hurtful out of malice, it is just the way he is. He is not a mean person, he has a good heart. I honestly think he must have had some trauma in his life that he never told me about, that would account for all his issues. I care about him a great deal, so obviously the guy has good qualities too despite the fact that he has some serious issues going on. He can be very loving and sweet at times, is intelligent, worldly, and to top it off is handsome and very attractive (to me).

    My mom knows about him as well as a few friends, and they all say I deserve better and that this guy is crazy, bad news, etc, and that I should let him go.

    He is very quick to criticize me, and even though he is very flawed himself, I feel as though all I do is compliment him and support him. I recently had enough of this and told him I often do not feel supported, he criticizes me constantly, and I often do not think he is capable of being the kind of friend I want or need. I also said, I am not sure why he wants me in his life, whether it be to fill time or boost his ego, but I hope its because he simply cares about me.

    After I left that voicemail he has not spoken to me in 2 weeks. We talk every day, often twice. I have called several times, saying I dont understand why he's not talking to me, lets talk, I miss him, etc. He finally replied today via text "You have spoke volumes already. What else is there? Put it in an email."

    Im bummed he could be so cold to me. For 1.5 years he always told me how much he cared and we would always be friends, so Im baffled as to why he never wants to speak to me again after that one message? I dont know what to do, but I dont want it to end like this? Him never speaking to me again...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    The RED FLAGS are waving in your face BIG TIME. The dude isn't going to change. And YOU CAN'T change him. It just gets worse. See him for what he REALLY is and move on.
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    Jan 14, 2011 1:05 AM GMT
    Dude... he clearly is a huge liar, and doesn't want you in his life any more. Your voicemail just gave him a way out. You DO deserve better than someone who strings you along for a year and a half. Guys will keep you around just because they can, or just because they are too lazy to break off the "friendship", but it doesn't mean he really cares for you just because you guys talk! I know it's hard to forget about someone you care about, but really, just forget about him and move on. Listen to your mom on this one, she knows what's up. Good luck man. icon_neutral.gif
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Jan 14, 2011 1:07 AM GMT
    This guy has shown you his true colors. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
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    Jan 14, 2011 1:11 AM GMT
    Let him go and don't turn around.
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    Jan 14, 2011 1:21 AM GMT
    Based on your telling of the story, this guy was using you as an ego-booster. He was manipulating your feelings and getting off on making you feel inferior. And then he started punishing you once you verbalized how shitty he was making you feel.

    I hate it when guys say this blindly, but... CUT ALL TIES NOW.
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    Jan 14, 2011 1:48 AM GMT
    I used to be in a friendship/un-requieted love-ship like this....Trust me, you end up loosing self-respect for allowing yourself to be somebody's doormat, for believeing they have qualities that make them special and believing they love you back deep down...

    They don't. You boost his ego.

    Cut him off.

    After a while when you recover your equilirium you'll be A LOT more bummed out at the fact of how you allowed yourself to be somebody's proverbial doormat of a friend for so damn long.

    You're better off without somebody who treats you less than you deserve to be. When you finally realise that, and what type of a bad friend that makes him, you'll know exectly what to do.

    If and when he changes his character sometime far in the future, reassess, but until that unlikely day.............. Move on, make better friends
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    Jan 14, 2011 2:33 AM GMT
    To the left
    To the left
    All his shit in a pile...

    I have never or would never criticize my man, to the point of making him feel like shit. I have only got on him when he is down on himself.
    I don't care if he is handsome or good at heart. I don't care if he is Ryan Reynolds; nobody puts baby in the corner.
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    Jan 14, 2011 2:36 AM GMT
    JeepRider saidMy mom knows about him as well as a few friends, and they all say I deserve better and that this guy is crazy, bad news, etc, and that I should let him go.

    Why, pray tell, are you asking us?! Mom is always right. She knows you best. Listen to her.
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    Jan 14, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    I really appreciate all the input and advice. I feel a bit empowered upon reading yalls encouraging words to try to just let go.

    In his defense though I might make it sound worse than it is, he is often complimentary of me in some ways, calling me handsome, but criticizes what I do or the way I handle things saying I am wrong, niave, or misguided and like I said isnt a very considerate or supportive person half the time. For example: I had a crazy roommate who was trying to screw my dad and I over financially, contacted my parents, outted me, threatened to have me harmed, all kinds of crazy and volatile stuff. When I was telling him about all this, stressed out of my mind, he used this as a platform to rehash things from the past that he thought I had done wrong...

    He would call me every day wanting to know how things are going with this crazy roommate situation, advice me on what I should do, but then criticize me and rehash old issues?

    Its just confusing for me because there IS good and I do feel like he cared, but there is obviously bad and dysfunction as well... and this latest development makes it seem like maybe he doesnt care about me much after all. In my brain I know I should move on and not put up with this BS, but my heart is still attached.

    Im definitely taking into account that you guys think that this guy was just using me as an ego-booster and time filler, because I thought that myself. Also interesting that the topic of him just looking for an excuse to end things with me. I thought of that too...

    Thanks for the support.

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    Jan 14, 2011 4:45 AM GMT
    It is not your heart that is attached it is still your head. As you said you don't understand the good/bad split in this guy. Your head is saying if he is good he is mostly good and you down play the bad as not that important.

    He probably has been this way most of his life and will continue. He is normal to himself with you having the problem in his mind. So are you up for this type of drama and confusion?

    Or do you want to step back and see him as he is and has treated you. If you do you may end up taking all these guys advice and end up liking yourself.

    Just saying
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    Jan 14, 2011 4:47 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidTo the left
    To the left
    All his shit in a pile...

    I have never or would never criticize my man, to the point of making him feel like shit. I have only got on him when he is down on himself.
    I don't care if he is handsome or good at heart. I don't care if he is Ryan Reynolds; nobody puts baby in the corner.


    Hey baby no one should take you for granted not even Ryan way icon_cool.gif
  • AaronEcstasy

    Posts: 33

    Jan 14, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    As much as you may care about the guy, you can't be the remedy for someone elses pain or misfortunate. The two of you may have had a genuine connection in the past, which is probably why you still care a great deal for him. But I think most people will tell you that isn't really a reason to continue any kind of relationship... you're mostly just wasting your own time trying to fix something that isn't fixable.

    It's hard to let go, but it sounds like something that would be positive for you.
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    Jan 14, 2011 5:30 AM GMT
    I have a new philosophy...3 isn't enough. What I mean by that is, if he has 3 great qualities that you look for in a bf, lover, partner, etc, but is lacking 2 or 3 other crucial qualities then...3 is not enough.

    It's so easy to make excuses for bad behavior. I did it for 17 years. My best friend always says "when people show you who they really are, believe them" (I think it's a quote by Maya Angelou). He has been showing you who he really is for over a year...you just don't want to believe him. I think this latest incident of not taking your calls and finally replying by text after 2 weeks speaks volumes about his true nature. Believe him. And walk away.

    I wish you strength, courage, and peace of mind, heart and soul my friend.
    Dan
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    Jan 14, 2011 5:43 AM GMT
    He obviously cant appreciate you... so dont bother
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    Jan 14, 2011 6:48 AM GMT
    JeepRider saidI really appreciate all the input and advice. I feel a bit empowered upon reading yalls encouraging words to try to just let go.

    In his defense though I might make it sound worse than it is, he is often complimentary of me in some ways, calling me handsome, but criticizes what I do or the way I handle things saying I am wrong, niave, or misguided and like I said isnt a very considerate or supportive person half the time. For example: I had a crazy roommate who was trying to screw my dad and I over financially, contacted my parents, outted me, threatened to have me harmed, all kinds of crazy and volatile stuff. When I was telling him about all this, stressed out of my mind, he used this as a platform to rehash things from the past that he thought I had done wrong...

    He would call me every day wanting to know how things are going with this crazy roommate situation, advice me on what I should do, but then criticize me and rehash old issues?

    Its just confusing for me because there IS good and I do feel like he cared, but there is obviously bad and dysfunction as well... and this latest development makes it seem like maybe he doesnt care about me much after all. In my brain I know I should move on and not put up with this BS, but my heart is still attached.

    Im definitely taking into account that you guys think that this guy was just
    using me as an ego-booster and time filler, because I thought that myself.
    Also interesting that the topic of him just looking for an excuse to end things with me. I thought of that too...


    Why do you keep making excuses for him dude, I hate to be the one to say it, but "grow a pair of balls" why are you letting him walk all over you, he will never respect you now! He has you right where he wants you at arms length.

    Man up and take control, who cares if he is handsome, have faith in your self. You know the answers already about your situation, just listen harder.

    You are valuable!!!
    Thanks for the support.

  • activeboy90

    Posts: 108

    Jan 14, 2011 8:56 AM GMT
    The day you stop being delusional about the great guy he never was, you will be so angry that you ever made excuses for him. I was with a total dick liar user and rudeass for a year and a half cause my heart was so big, when I finally ended it I was so mad I let someone take advantage of my kindness and tolerated someone treated me any less than the way I deserved. He clearly isn't the man you dream of spending your life with and being with him is only going to end all chances of meeting your true love. He clearly isn't what you want either because you make excuses for him only because your nice because some of those things he does are unjustifiable, love isn't sadness hurt deceit and it definitely isn't inconsiderate hurt, its security respect devotion and trust. I hope you do what you know is best not what you feel pity for someone who doesn't have to live with your bad decision. I wish you the best
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    Jan 14, 2011 9:02 AM GMT
    [sidenote: the title of this thread 'confused and bummed' totally makes me smile every time I come across it.... I'm not sure if 'bummed' has the same meaning in the US, but still, it tickled me...that's all]
  • waterman

    Posts: 70

    Jan 14, 2011 9:46 AM GMT
    I've been in your shoes, and it took a long time for me to see that guys like this man are predatory. They spot 'longing' a mile away and zero in.

    Thankfully, I have learned not to respond when the zeroing-in starts. I've learned to be comfortable in my own skin, happy with myself, happy being alone when I want to be, and with others when I am feeling sociable, too.

    It is a lifelong journey. And at times, it seems at times we we end up in certain relationships to learn about ourselves. I have come to ascribe to the belief that the teacher (positive or negative) appears when the student is ready.

    Being where you are is tough stuff. An emotional mind-bender. I echo everything the others here are saying. You are a free person. You have the right to say Yes or No. You have the right to walk away, to step back, and take a deep breathe. And if he does not kindfully and mindfully act, what does this say.

    There is neat chance here, too, to really look deeply at yourself and maybe contemplate the nature of where you are, and where you want to put your next footsteps. If you choose to move on, where do YOU choose to go?

    Best on the journey,


    Waterman

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    Jan 15, 2011 1:36 AM GMT
    kick directly to curb, do not pass go.
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    Jan 17, 2011 9:18 AM GMT
    Thank you everyone for all the great advice, words of wisdom, and encouragement. I am not out, so I dont have many people I can discuss this with. Yalls feedback has really helped me a lot.

    I called him a few times, told him I dont understand why he is ignoring me, I miss him, lets talk etc... He finally texted me "You have spoke volumes already. What else is there? Put it in an email." THAT spoke volumes to me...

    After the initial hurt of him being so cold towards me, I realized that maybe this wonderful yet screwed up person I thought I had in my life, really never existed... Or not the wonderful part anyway. I have always known this guy was screwed up, but I couldnt help have feelings for him. I still do have feelings for him, but I realize he is not someone I need in my life, and especially not someone I should fight for to have in it!

    I feel sorry for him really. I think his life is pretty empty. I dont think he is capable of having a real, honest, close relationship with anyone-- not even his family. And I think he realizes it on some level...

    I assume we will never talk again. I am certainly going to try to not initiate contact. As the days go by, and I am able to focus on all the negativity, its getting easier and easier to move on... But not a cake walk quite yet.

    Again, thank you to every person that replied. I took every post to heart.

  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Jan 17, 2011 5:57 PM GMT
    Get rid of this man

    You deserve so much better

    You will find a great guy who will treat you right, dont hold onto this pig

    let him wollow in his mud
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    Jan 17, 2011 6:05 PM GMT
    JeepRider said

    I feel sorry for him really. I think his life is pretty empty. I dont think he is capable of having a real, honest, close relationship with anyone-- not even his family. And I think he realizes it on some level...

    I assume we will never talk again. I am certainly going to try to not initiate contact. As the days go by, and I am able to focus on all the negativity, its getting easier and easier to move on... But not a cake walk quite yet.

    Again, thank you to every person that replied. I took every post to heart.




    As long as you realize this, then you are the better man for it... Don't go back to him. Don't accept any emails, messages or what not.. Let him go because it's apparent his heart has no place for you from the way he's treated you.. There's a better man out there..
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    Jan 17, 2011 6:18 PM GMT
    You need to take a good long look at what you wrote in your original post. Imagine if one of your friends told you that, what would you tell them?

    You have pretty much thrown away your self esteem for the last 1 1/2 years. I can't imagine that this is what you want in a relationship.

    Stay away from that guy and maybe in about 10 years you'll run into him again and you both might be in a place where you can be friends. This guy isn't a friend right now.
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    Jan 17, 2011 8:40 PM GMT
    If you let that loser (no matter how goodlooking he is. As if that gives him the right to treat you the way you've described) back into your life you are nothing but a masochist. The way I see it is he has NO redeeming qualities.

    Run for your life. And do not look back.