I consider myself a st8 person (will explain further). I was in a long relationship with my high school sweetheart , 10 yrs, got married and lived so called happily ever after. Our son was born and the happiness became even bigger. However, there was a turn of events in my life, a very close friend of mine woke up something in me that was not there, or at least I wasn’t aware of its existence and I simply cannot define what it’s icon_evil.gif. Whenever I see him I feel the butterflies in my belly, I have the need to call him, see what he is doing who is he with, imagining him naked hmm..Seems bit weird writing this but I went to a point to literally demand for his naked pictures stored in his laptop, I simply had to see them! I love it when he passes next to me in a narrow space and he “unintentionally” or accidentally caresses me with his …well…member icon_redface.gif, or when he has his laptop in his lap typing something and I’m leaning my hand and "accidentally" touching his dick while scrolling the touch pad. (nice that joysticks are only for consoles, u cant touch shit :twistedicon_smile.gif
We are very close friends and we do lots of things together (sometimes wrestle..strange, huh?), and I can feel that the same energy is returned back from his side. Cause whenever we have an eye contact the chemistry is so “toxic” that is even hurting the other people in the room, to an extent that it might be even noticeable to others such as my wife for instance. She even started giving some weird remarks about our “friendship”.
Now, nothing sexual has ever happened, I have never been with another man in my life also, hence the opening line of this post. Plus the way I was brought up, the family and the society I grew in, reprimand if not physically (which could also happen) psychologically about these kinds of feelings - situations.
I don’t remember having this kind of “connection” to any male friend or person in my past, so this situation is new to me and I do not know how to cope with it obviously since recently I developed a neuralgia on my facial nerve for which physically there was no explanation why would or could this occur. I must say I’m a bit anxious person, which in a combination with the neuralgia landed me in a shrink’s office that prescribed me Paroxetine and some other drugs for the neuralgia. No sessions whatsoever, no discussions simply after 15 min conversation with me and my wife, (she insisted being present) he gave me the drugs. The drugs started working, thank god they eliminated the pain that the nerve was causing, but it also killed the “butterflies” that were previously there, in any aspects- towards my wife and my mate. I feel like…actually I don’t feel anything I don’t care about a single thing anymore. Don’t get me wrong I do care about the people that are around me and their well being but the wonder is gone. I feel sleepy constantly, have often mood swings and all that crap that such mind altering drugs can cause. My problem is, now that I’m in a way “aware” of the situation that happened, and I’m emotionally unbiased or suppressed so to say, did I fell in love in a guy? I still do crave to see him, but not as often as it was before everything else happened, eye chemistry contact is almost completely gone and even when we do see each other I feel kinda angry for sucking me up into the “gay” whirl. In certain occasions, I was even rude, with some homophobic replies giving him a sign that if he were not afraid of the next step to pursue, I was. Insinuating not even to think going there, touching or much worse kissing, for which honestly I wouldn’t have mind. (Even though I don’t know if the guy is bi/gay for sure, I mean he has a gf) I think the saddest thing is that whatever was there in the air, which obviously even sedated made me realize its existence, was more than a friendship but none of us had the balls to discuss about it, probably both being worried that might be caught or something. I was in a way determined to try anything simply to remove the damned haunting feeling whether I was bi (girls do turn me on, I should be careful with this tough pills prolonged my ejaculation to a point where my wife started reading a newspaper during sex) or what I felt was just some weird phase. Or this is some sort of a mid-thirty life crisis, huh? I’m a bit thankful to the pills tough, that gave me the courage to write all of this, for which I must apologize since the length has gone as if I was writing a school essay. Anyways, what do you guys think will I stay closeted for the rest of my life if that is the case, or what I experienced there was just a year of a confusion that would go away even when I get stripped off of the drugs, just share some opinions don’t need to psychoanalyze me.
Thanks
Mark