How do I find a guy? Please help :/

  • alexvush

    Posts: 9

    Jan 14, 2011 8:43 AM GMT
    So I'm young...still in college. However, I've never had a boyfriend. I go to a Catholic college that is not very good for being gay (it's on the list of worst colleges for gay people). I am gay and out of all of my friends, some of my family...but I feel like I can't find a guy at all. It's not that I can't find a guy who likes me...I just can't find any gay guys period!

    I'm studying to be a surgeon and consider myself to be pretty smart...I'm at the top of my class and have a good GPA. I'm in pretty good shape, I play tennis a lot for fun and was captain of my team in high school. At the risk of sounding conceited or self-absorbed, I consider myself to be pretty masculine especially because no one has ever known I was gay unless I told them.

    I guess what I'm wondering is...why am I at a loss for finding anyone? I don't want sex...I have hooked up with a few guys and didn't find it enjoyable. I felt like I was missing something and I felt really guilty afterwards. I know I'm young and I don't need to find my life partner tomorrow, but I want to find someone to love soon...I guess I'm just losing hope that it's going to happen. I see all my straight friends coupling off and I just wonder why I can't have that same happiness. I'm starting to lose confidence in myself and think that I'm not really a catch...I just have no idea how to find a guy. Any advice? I appreciate any comments.

    Thanks! icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 14, 2011 10:07 AM GMT
    judging by your profile, you need to put yourself forward more. First start by adding an actual pic or two, and fill in your profile....that helps you move forward a step socially to be more open. You say you are out, but your profile says different.

    get involved in some group activities, google for your venue.....i would bet that you are somewhat invtroverted and that is a major cause of your inability to find gay friends. check around, get involved, research...good luck.........Keithicon_wink.gif
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    Jan 14, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    vetteset saidjudging by your profile, you need to put yourself forward more. First start by adding an actual pic or two, and fill in your profile....that helps you move forward a step socially to be more open. You say you are out, but your profile says different.


    I agree with what Keith said here.

    From the description of yourself, you seem like you have alot to offer. You've got ambition, you're smart and you keep active. Keep doing those things.

    You might want to consider online dating. Not sure if you've tried it out yet. You seem like you're new to the dating thing. I've had some good and bad experiences with it. Just make sure you are honest about your feelings/intentions and make sure the person you're with has their feelings/intentions set straight too. Some guys will beat around the bush with you, run away from those guys, they are no good for you. Some guys may seem nice but once they get in your pants, they no longer become interested. In other words, it can be tricky, and you'll learn to pick up on the baddies with experience but the main thing is never give up and maintain your self integrity.
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    Jan 14, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    I would suggest that you focus on your education and career development. The rest will follow as needed. Getting yourself placed so you can be independent and established is far better than having a partner just now. It will happen when it is suppose to -- why rush it? In my younger years I always felt that I needed to be in a relationship and had to deal with guys who were out for their own self interests including my money. I don't look anymore and am very happy to have a few close friends that I know I can depend on at any time. I even dated a doctor who did not want to have a serious relationship since he feared how he would be looked upon in the medical profession. Again, focus on your education and career and let the rest fall into place as it should. This is when it may come along for you.
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    Jan 14, 2011 6:13 PM GMT
    Honestly, don't listen to these people.

    Learn to love yourself, and don't look to other people to fill a void in your life.
  • bismark1993

    Posts: 26

    Jan 15, 2011 1:26 AM GMT
    Despite your succinct post, the best I can offer is a vague response:

    You're right, 21 is considered young to be seeking a serious relationship but you sound like you're wiser than most and ready for it.

    Being at a Catholic School does not help your odds.

    Taking your mind off "finding the one" and trying to focus on medicine and exploring other hobbies and interests is the typical advice you'll get from most people when you pose this question. Good advice, but it hasn't worked for me.

    You're not completely out and appear to be introverted. It's very difficult for masculine-acting guys who are introverted to land a stable relationship, or even a short-term deal. It's hard to even date for that matter. I would know, I am both. Your post reminds me of me six years ago. I am and have always been single despite finding remedies and recognizing the facts pointed out above over and and over again.

    So my suggestion is to keep an eye out for guys who you get a read on, maybe try to become friends. Work on coming out or coming into yourself slowly all the while pursing activities like sports or hobbies that interest you. This will allow you to meet people.

    In short: find a balance between mitigating your introvertion by putting yourself in a position to meet new guys while retaining a certain degree of alone-time so as not to stress yourself out.


    As I look back at what I've just wrote, it's not wonder I've been single my whole life... forget it, I have no idea what I'm taking about.
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    Jan 15, 2011 4:27 AM GMT
    i read your post and i said oh my god..cause i posted similar one before few days , the only difference that i came more desperate than you were....i am young too 22.....and i am a medical student studied medicine and surgery for five years to be a surgeon too .....like you....and i can tell you that this RJ is the worst site ever and the guys here most of them are not of a good help ....please don't listen to any comments ...believe me....you will feel more tired and hopeless than you are right now...and i hope you the best...i am single just like you and i have seen most of my friends, and family weather they were gay, bi or straight finding someone to love except me..and that is making me feel that there is something wrong with me ..i came to this site to share my feelings and get some advices ...but believe me each second i was feeling more hopeless than i was .....the only advice that i can give you is that ..this website is not the right place to put such posts.....and from what i have read i can tell that u r really a sensitive guy that is full of gentle feelings,,,just like me,,,but simply be careful ..cause i hope that finally your heart will not bleed as mine did after posting what i wanted to share,,,,
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    Jan 15, 2011 4:38 AM GMT
    Let me know if you find out how to get one.
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Jan 15, 2011 4:42 AM GMT
    well gay bars and night clubs arnt necessarily good places, i would recommend going to extracurricular activities.
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    Jan 16, 2011 1:40 AM GMT

    Volunteer positions or even gay friendly churches might also be good places to meet people for relationships. And even if not, you may wind up helping yourself or others anyway.

    I went to a gay friendly church for a long time but didn't really make any good contacts until joining in with their weekday classes. Then I met some amazing people. It's just more 'one on one' relating I guess.
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    Jan 16, 2011 1:43 AM GMT
    alexvush saidSo I'm young...still in college. However, I've never had a boyfriend. I go to a Catholic college that is not very good for being gay (it's on the list of worst colleges for gay people). I am gay and out of all of my friends, some of my family...but I feel like I can't find a guy at all. It's not that I can't find a guy who likes me...I just can't find any gay guys period!

    I'm studying to be a surgeon and consider myself to be pretty smart...I'm at the top of my class and have a good GPA. I'm in pretty good shape, I play tennis a lot for fun and was captain of my team in high school. At the risk of sounding conceited or self-absorbed, I consider myself to be pretty masculine especially because no one has ever known I was gay unless I told them.

    I guess what I'm wondering is...why am I at a loss for finding anyone? I don't want sex...I have hooked up with a few guys and didn't find it enjoyable. I felt like I was missing something and I felt really guilty afterwards. I know I'm young and I don't need to find my life partner tomorrow, but I want to find someone to love soon...I guess I'm just losing hope that it's going to happen. I see all my straight friends coupling off and I just wonder why I can't have that same happiness. I'm starting to lose confidence in myself and think that I'm not really a catch...I just have no idea how to find a guy. Any advice? I appreciate any comments.

    Thanks! icon_smile.gif


    Being Catholic is great if you're gay. We're always on our knees.
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    Jan 17, 2011 8:07 AM GMT
    you should totally move to another college or city. NYC, SF, DC. have fun.
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    Jan 17, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    by not "looking" for one..icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 17, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    Hey dude,

    No person on this site is an expert on finding love and another man, but if you're willing to read a bit I'll share my experience, which I think helps.

    I attended college in Amherst, MA, on the other side of the Commonwealth with an interest in finding someone. While there, I met several friends:gay, straight, etc, who I attended several gay social events and movies. I did not find myself comfortable with my sexuality until I reached 24, left college, and departed the area. It seems like the "coming out" process is not a fun process. For me, I developed comfort with myself before coming to terms with meeting men and talking to them.

    I visited Boston often and honestly, not sure how to find a guy there. I met my bf and current partner on Adam4adam. Here's the irony, we came for sex, and developed a conversation, attended social events, and began to learn about each other like two human beings. I don't think you will meet anyone until you take the chance to talk with a few guys. You can skip the sex part if you want, and shoot for conversation and see what happens. Be warned, most men look for sex first.

    I hope this helps and happy trails.

    Mike
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    Jan 17, 2011 11:00 PM GMT
    All the good guys are either taken or happily single with no intention of finding a man.
    Looks like you're shit outta luck.
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    Jan 17, 2011 11:16 PM GMT
    bismark1993 saidIt's very difficult for masculine-acting guys who are introverted to land a stable relationship, or even a short-term deal. It's hard to even date for that matter. I would know, I am both.


    Ditto. Haha, but fortunately I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now. I'm sure the right one will come along some day...the whole dating thing/putting myself out there is probably the one thing I'm passive about in my life. So if I was to give the OP any advice, it'd be to not be overly reserved about meeting people. That and get ready for rejection/flakiness/the whole nine yards. As a New Year's resolution, I'll try to take my own advice too.

    Good luck! I'm a little older than you, but we're strikingly similar. I hope you find what you're looking for before you hit 25! icon_biggrin.gif
  • alby

    Posts: 114

    Jan 18, 2011 4:31 PM GMT
    good things come to those who wait icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 18, 2011 4:36 PM GMT
    Judging from the behavior on RJ, just go outside and shout "men's underwear" and the gays will show up in droves! I'm just extrapolating, of course. Or just show a little underwear waistband. That drives 'em crazy, too.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 18, 2011 4:42 PM GMT
    Have a seat in the confessional.

    He will come to you.
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    Jan 18, 2011 4:43 PM GMT
    First thing, get out of the religious / false belief system environment. They PREACH that gay is bad. What the fuck are you doing in an environment that treats you as subhuman? Dumb, dumb, and dumber.

    Second, come to like yourself. You'll get NOWHERE, fast, by being a picture-less, and a profile-less. I've already blocked you. I pre-ignore picture-less and profile-less. Understand, anything worth doing should be worth doing well, and you've made a pathetic effort. You can't really expect much of a return on a pathetic effort, right?

    You are NOT at a loss of finding anyone. Your current plan, and methodology, is a PLAN FOR FAILURE. You need to change that plan with a higher probability of an improved outcome. You have to set your false belief systems aside (you're not a sub human or flawed person (most likely) as The Catholic Church preaches, but, you're normal). You need to come to believe that.

    If you get in shape, are articulate, are positive, and getting away from both your negative environment (false belief systems) and your own low esteem (get pictured, get profiled; get your head out of your ass) and make a plan for success, rather than your current plan for failure, you'll do just that: succeed. If you continue with such a poor plan, poor environment, and poor approach...you'll continue to fail.

    Understand, a lot of things worth doing are hard. Real Jocks understand this, having come from competitive athletics. We walk into, through, above, and beyond obstacles. If we don't get it the first try, we run a different play. The play you're running will fail, every time.

    You'll find that once you have integrity, and put forth some positive effort and remove yourself from a horrible environment you WILL meet with success. You need to stop sabotaging your goals.

    If a relationship is what you what, you'll have to open the closet door, peer outside, find no boogie man, and proceed. You can't have good relationships if you don't like yourself and if you're a closet case.
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    Jan 19, 2011 2:56 AM GMT
    People say to me i am too young to have a boyfriend...i havent get any! I am too shy to talk to guys.