What's your comfort level with being publicly gay?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 1:52 PM GMT
    I have officially started the process of coming out to both friends and family...slowly but surely. It's actually going really well for me so far! Although some of my friends were a little surprised at first, they accept me for who I am (and if they don't, then they weren't good friends to begin with).

    So now I'm at a place where I really want to start dating publicly. I will say there's a slight discomfort that still exists, partly because I still need to get over that hurdle of not caring about what others think...but also because of the newness of it.

    What's your comfort level with dating publicly? If it was tough at first, how were you able to overcome that? Looking for some sound advice :-)

    Thanks guys!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:15 PM GMT
    depends on how much alcohol I had icon_lol.gif But generally I don't care too much what people think.

    But I don't like to kiss in public. A small kiss is ok, but I'm usually grossed out when others make out in public ("Get a room already!"), straight or gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:17 PM GMT
    I publicly date and hug. Still uncomfortable with kissing and handholding. I also haven't really made any formal announcements and probably won't in the near future. I'll just let people make their own deductions.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jan 15, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    I think being "publicly gay" is kind of an oxymoron, since what makes you gay is what you do in the privacy of your bedroom, not what you do in public. Still, I've never held hands with a guy on the street or anything but I've shared a peck before. If you're dating someone there's no reason for anyone "in public" to think that you're anything more than friends, unless you're making out or playing "toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me" where everyone can see you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    Hug and a quick kiss for both hello and goodbye
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:22 PM GMT
    Your over thinking it or maybe I never thought about it at all.
    Having been in the service, it was normal to go out with your bud, never thought it strange to see two guys having dinner together or going to a movie together.
    I did date a guy who didn't want to be seen in public together in the same city where he worked and lived...that lasted about a month.
    As for PDA; it all depends on the where we're at and who we're with. I think most men (straight/gay) are not into it.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jan 15, 2011 4:23 PM GMT
    If I'm at a gay bar and intoxicated, I don't care who sees me making out with someone. No risk there.

    However, when hanging out with my kickball team captain, I was incredibly nervous/uncomfortable kissing on the street in South Philly. I was just waiting for someone to throw a bottle at us. I'd prefer to keep the PDAs in more liberal sections of the city.

    I don't care what others "think". I care if others want to harm me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:26 PM GMT
    I'm ok with PDA's. Holding hands, touching (like hand on the small of the back, brushing his arm with my fingers, etc...) kissing, but not full on making out... don't like it when anyone gay or straight does that out in the open. I got over it by just doing it. And if he's on board with it too, makes it a lot easier. Plus, it helps if you really really like the guy you're with. hehe
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:27 PM GMT
    well, I am out, and slowly have been getting more and more comfortable with myself over the last fear years. Honestly, I am glad that my room mate knows. we joke around and I make fun of his obesity and he makes fun of things coming out of my ass even though I am a Top.

    I dont project my gayness onto people, I dont go running around proudly telling coworkers and class mates that i am into guys because it really isnt any of their business. my professional life and my personal life dont really mix and I enjoy it that way. People who make a point of telling everyone they have a boyfriend or are gay are annoying. I really am not interested in hearing about how straight guys conquer a woman every weekend icon_rolleyes.gif it is kind of juvenile.

    I donno, I have my gay friends, my straight friends, and straight friends who know how much more fun I am than hanging out with the same ole people again and again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:30 PM GMT
    I'm very comfortable being who I am outside my home. Whether it be with my bf, or with another gay bud. Heck, life's too short to worry about what other people think of me. icon_biggrin.gif
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 15, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    Interesting post, bunjamon.

    There was a time when straight couples were expected to behave as friends, as you describe. Even though I think quite differently myself, some of that decorum still seems necessary and pleasant. I can think of several situations where is it certainly courteous.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:36 PM GMT
    sixty_six saidHug and a quick kiss for both hello and goodbye


    Agree. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    I used to be pretty conservative about displaying any actions of gay in public. It was hard just to get the initial holding hand in public stage. It then lead to a small peck on the cheek and then to the lips. Over the years I have become more and more comfortable with PDA. Now I have full blown raw gay anal sex in public. We could be at a crosswalk and would just drop our pants an do it like jack rabbits. raw gay jack rabbits anal sex. why jack rabbits? because they are jacked. I think the next level would be fisting in public. The next time I see a gay guy in public I am going to punch his butt as hard as I can and see how far my fist penetrates.

    I'm audi.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Jan 15, 2011 4:43 PM GMT
    I am comfortable with it, but I have no desire, nor do I feel the need, to publicly state my sexuality to anyone. If they ask me, I respond honestly, but I don't volunteer the information -- NOT because I am ashamed, but simply because I don't think it's anyone's business. I assume most of my co-workers and/or clients know I'm gay and I leave it at that. I have never felt any sort of homophobia among co-workers or clients.
  • vacyclist

    Posts: 162

    Jan 15, 2011 4:45 PM GMT
    Congratulations on your coming out progress, for me it's changed my life in a very positive way. I'm comfortable holding hands with my bf in public places if we feel so inclined, giving him a quick hug & kiss when we part company. As time goes on, I'm much less concerned about what other people might think, and that itself is truly liberating. It fun to let my impulse to express affection manifest itself, or maybe let the feminine side of my persona come forward from time to time in self expression.

    I do reserve the wet & mushy stuff for private... there's a line between casual display of affection that's OK in my view for public consumption, and overt display of erotic passions more fit for the bedroom. Applies to both gay & hetero couples.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 5:15 PM GMT
    There's always a need to be a little discrete in my opinion because there is stil homophobia out there. If I was really love then I wouldn't care too much what people would think: I would openly kiss him in a gay setting (although that would be a rare occassion), but I wouldn't do so in public. In public, a quick peck on the cheek might be the most. Personally I feel that discretion and privacy is what makes things hotter. I'd save all the hot stuff for the bedroom icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 5:16 PM GMT

    This is something I have never contemplated much over the years. I have hug and kissed my straight male friends and relatives since the early 70's and still do. Any of them that had a problem with it let me know before I attempted it turning red and backing away. Those that did early on got over it.

    Maybe growing up during the sexual revolution helped and living in Chicago and now 30 yrs here in SF negated lots of hostility or perceived hostility. However, whether it was a restaurant in Salt Lake city or a small town in Southern Illinois out with a closeted male teacher as client and date I didn't have problems or felt uncomfortable.

    I hope you don't take on other peoples problems to prevent you from living your life.

  • Sparkycat

    Posts: 1064

    Jan 15, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    I have a gay pride tattoo on the back of my neck, so I guess I really don't care what people think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    When I'm out in public I'm already a gay person. The better question is whether those around me in public know it or more importantly do they even care? Probably not.

    I'm as gay in public as I am in private. There's no real change. Just a guy going about his business. If someone were to come up to me and ask "Are you gay?" I would politely answer them "Yes" and keep on walking without missing a beat. I'm not hiding it or treating my sexuality like some dirty little secret. I'm just being me and that means I don't advertise. I don't need to.

    If I found someone whose company and presence I enjoyed then I'd do and be like anyone else in that matter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 5:39 PM GMT
    i really dont care about it, i dont say it, i just live with it, Maybe some people know, because i have trust on them that they wont split it out. But, i act normaly, and this Site...thats all. icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    People who need to know are fine. Anyone who is a friend, and most business associates know, if they've been around for a while.

    No swishing, no hanging...none of the PDA that's bad behavior by folks, in general, no matter what their sexual preferences. Good decorum is good decorum.

    My sexual preference don't define my life; it's just part of it; I'm very comfortable with who I am and don't rub it in anyone's face, nor do I deny it.

    When I'm in public, I behave appropriately. Do I go to gay vendors? Of course I do. Does that bother me? Hell no. I'm a grown man for crying out loud; not a 10 year old. Do I choose gay vendors because they're gay? No way. I go there because that's where the gay folks are or they have a good value or a unique product. I try not to discriminate.

    A person who is a creep is still a creep, nobody what their preference for fucking.

    Do I have much in common with a 130# girly man? Nah. Not at all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 5:53 PM GMT
    Usually- it all depends on situations for me. Most of the time people might think we are just friends because we act like we are. He's more sassy around friends for sure though. That's his comfort level.

    For me,
    If my bf is feeling down, and we're in public, I like reaching out for his hand and giving it a squeeze.
    If we are walking down with friends on a street, and he's being a cutie, I would come from behind and give him a giant hug.
    If he did something cute and he's grinning at me like an idiot, I give him a quick peck.
    If no one is looking and we are in public and he doesn't expect it, I will bite him and make him yelp causing people to suddenly look at him while he blushes and I grin.
    If another guy checks him out on the street, club, restaurant or gym, I glare at the other dude and usually put an arm around my bf like I'm saying "Move along biatch, he's mine"

    BIG NOES
    - grinding in public.
    - heavy making out.
    - ass grabbing
    - holding hands while walking- I'm just not that person. It's nothing to do with comfort level. I just find it inconvenient. When I'm driving and my body isn't moving, we hold hands sometimes on a straight road with little curves. It's on an armrest and it's comfortable.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 6:02 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidI am comfortable with it, but I have no desire, nor do I feel the need, to publicly state my sexuality to anyone. If they ask me, I respond honestly, but I don't volunteer the information -- NOT because I am ashamed, but simply because I don't think it's anyone's business. I assume most of my co-workers and/or clients know I'm gay and I leave it at that. I have never felt any sort of homophobia among co-workers or clients.


    great response. that's the way i want to be too. especially in the workplace!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 6:10 PM GMT
    judoguy saiddepends on how much alcohol I had icon_lol.gif But generally I don't care too much what people think.

    But I don't like to kiss in public. A small kiss is ok, but I'm usually grossed out when others make out in public ("Get a room already!"), straight or gay.


    ^this
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2011 6:14 PM GMT
    I'm not really out, but a few close people know. Not that I go around flaunting it to the people who do know. I don't.

    Anyway, I figured I could answer the question from a viewer's perspective. I don't mind public affection, gay or straight. It's normal to show you care for someone. But I don't like when people do it overboard. Touching, hugging, sitting closely is fine, kissing too, but I find, especially with people my age, that they're out there, making out in the food court of a mall. Eww for starters, but do I really need to see some big guy in baggy pants grab some girls ass while I get my coffee? That doesn't show you care for someone. While I can't say I wouldn't enjoy it- it's hardly needed in public. It just shows how immature you are.

    As for dating, I don't really know. I've only really had one boy friend and that was before I was out. Either way, I don't think it's anyone's business to care. As long as you're not doing anything inappropriate, who cares? Go on a date! Being gay isn't illegal.

    Personally, I would be nervous doing stuff in public. Going on dates would probably be fine, but the other stuff, like touching. Mainly because I've never felt comfortable showing how I felt, no matter what situation. I suppressed a lot of emotions when I was younger(not because I was gay, btw), so it's a challenge to show or tell people how I feel.


    --btw, I'm Pat.