Will a Bi guy ever choose another man?

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    Jan 16, 2011 5:59 PM GMT
    This is something that has been bugging me for a good while, and I'm honestly not quite sure of how to phrase this without sounding offensive.

    I know more bi guys than I do gay guys, interestingly enough. And all the bi guys I know have girlfriends. Sadly, I live in an area where there aren't very many gay dudes and the gay dudes I know are much too feminine for me. I tried dating fem guys but I gave that up because it was forced and not very fair to the person I was with.

    One of my best friends is a closet bi guy and he is absolutely perfect for me in every way. We got to know each other a few years ago through mutual friends and he's pretty much everything I ever look for in a man. Strong, confident, masculine, caring, protective, and he has a huge heart. Only thing is, he's also an MMA cagefighter and is engaged (the fiance happens to be one of my best girl friends). So number 1, he's afraid to come out other than to friends even though we hang out in public all the time, and number 2 he is pretty much obsessed with this girl to the point of putting up with her being a total bitch to him most of the time. I'm flattered that he's such great friends with me and we have fooled around in the past, but it seems to be nothing more than fun to him. It doesn't mean anything.

    Same thing with my other friend. He's bisexual and openly so and I decided to give him a shot but after about a week he found a girl he liked and dumped me for her. Now we're back to being just friends.

    I talked to other gay guys online and that seemed to be the consensus. Is there anyone here who has been in a long-term, commited relationship with a bi guy? It sucks because I like straight-acting guys and, well, most of them are bi.
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    Jan 16, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    Corhearts25 said
    Same thing with my other friend. He's bisexual and openly so and I decided to give him a shot but after about a week he found a girl he liked and dumped me for her. Now we're back to being just friends.

    I talked to other gay guys online and that seemed to be the consensus. Is there anyone here who has been in a long-term, commited relationship with a bi guy? It sucks because I like straight-acting guys and, well, most of them are bi.



    For me, it doesn't matter who I am with I have always been 100% loyal..

    Your 1st friend needs to be totally out to be comfortable in being scene with another man... so that's what it boils down to... If he cared about himself he would not be with this girl that's a total bitch to him. Just be there for him, here him out, be his confidant and he'll come out when he's ready and once he makes up his mind on what he wants.

    I'm sorry to hear what your 2nd friend did to you... This is what gives bi guys a bad name...

    I went through this struggle of being open to my friends but not open in public... But that was only damaging me, because I could not be with certain guys that I truly liked, but had to be with a woman.... So after a while, I thought about it and I couldn't go on like this because I have a strong emotional and physical attraction to both men and woman... I needed to come out 1000%.
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    Jan 16, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    Not sure what I'd do. I identify with being bisexual, in fact, I've been with only girls so far (in my life). And I actually thought that'd be enough, but I'm curious about what it'd be like to be with a guy. Anyway - away from me - ultimately, I'd like to think that whomever I fall in love with is who I love...but you have to factor in that it's just so much easier to date the opposite sex. So it's hard to say...it could be that he honestly and genuinely likes the girl better or he's choosing a lifestyle that 1. he can live with and 2. is safer than the alternative (dating guys).
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    Jan 16, 2011 10:45 PM GMT
    It is very different at your age than much later in life. It is also very different in a place where people can be openly gay without fear.

    At your age it is hard to know the difference between the many faux bisexuals and the true ones. The faux bisexuals need the affirmation that a beautiful woman will give them that they are hot and desirable. They may in fact prefer men but they know that they will be more admired with a hot woman by their side than a hot male friend. Later in life most faux bisexuals become gay while most true bisexuals remain bi. If they desire a relationship they will happily settle with one sex or the other. For these men that is often another man and not a woman. Why? Because women are often too needy. Sex is complicated with women but easy with men. I've known many bi men who live completely gay lives but happily fuck a hot woman who comes along.

    As for your friend try to be a loyal good friend to him. Lifelong friendship should never be taken for granted. Try not to feel needy or possessive. You are young and will meet many men in the future. Love them for who they are and don't try to mold them to who you want them to be.
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    Jan 16, 2011 10:53 PM GMT
    closer85 saidNot sure what I'd do. I identify with being bisexual, in fact, I've been with only girls so far (in my life). And I actually thought that'd be enough, but I'm curious about what it'd be like to be with a guy.



    I'm sorry, you can't be bi... Not based on that comment... Your just curious about guys... Man let me tell you something its one thing to be curious, its another to actually go through with it, honestly if you have been with women all your life I bet you don't have the balls to try it with guy or to go out with a gay and be seen in public.

    Don't claim something you are not until you fully know yourself what you are... Your a straight guy, in a gay forum... Claiming to be BI???? that's not right in my book.... Come to terms with who you are and come back to this forum... Because it took me a long time to come to terms with who I am....
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    Jan 16, 2011 10:57 PM GMT


    to the original poster.. SOrry if my first response didn't make much sense... i was typing on my iphone... It has a mind of its own sometimes.. I edited it so it makes better sense... Sorry.
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    Jan 16, 2011 11:57 PM GMT
    DragonDevil said
    closer85 saidNot sure what I'd do. I identify with being bisexual, in fact, I've been with only girls so far (in my life). And I actually thought that'd be enough, but I'm curious about what it'd be like to be with a guy.



    I'm sorry, you can't be bi... Not based on that comment... Your just curious about guys... Man let me tell you something its one thing to be curious, its another to actually go through with it, honestly if you have been with women all your life I bet you don't have the balls to try it with guy or to go out with one in public...

    Don't claim something you are not until you fully know yourself what you are... Your a straight guy, in a gay forum... Claiming to be BI???? that's not right in my book.... Come to terms with who you are and come back to this forum... Because it took me a long time to come to terms with who I am....



    If I felt like I was completely straight, why would I claim to not be?
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    Jan 17, 2011 12:03 AM GMT
    closer85 said
    DragonDevil said
    closer85 saidNot sure what I'd do. I identify with being bisexual, in fact, I've been with only girls so far (in my life). And I actually thought that'd be enough, but I'm curious about what it'd be like to be with a guy.



    I'm sorry, you can't be bi... Not based on that comment... Your just curious about guys... Man let me tell you something its one thing to be curious, its another to actually go through with it, honestly if you have been with women all your life I bet you don't have the balls to try it with guy or to go out with one in public...

    Don't claim something you are not until you fully know yourself what you are... Your a straight guy, in a gay forum... Claiming to be BI???? that's not right in my book.... Come to terms with who you are and come back to this forum... Because it took me a long time to come to terms with who I am....



    If I felt like I was completely straight, why would I claim to not be?


    I guess you just didn't read my message... Its clear what I wrote... Understand what I mean and then discuss it with me... Don't answer me with a question...
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    Jan 17, 2011 12:18 AM GMT
    friendormate saidIt is very different at your age than much later in life. It is also very different in a place where people can be openly gay without fear.

    At your age it is hard to know the difference between the many faux bisexuals and the true ones. The faux bisexuals need the affirmation that a beautiful woman will give them that they are hot and desirable. They may in fact prefer men but they know that they will be more admired with a hot woman by their side than a hot male friend. Later in life most faux bisexuals become gay while most true bisexuals remain bi. If they desire a relationship they will happily settle with one sex or the other. For these men that is often another man and not a woman. Why? Because women are often too needy. Sex is complicated with women but easy with men. I've known many bi men who live completely gay lives but happily fuck a hot woman who comes along.

    As for your friend try to be a loyal good friend to him. Lifelong friendship should never be taken for granted. Try not to feel needy or possessive. You are young and will meet many men in the future. Love them for who they are and don't try to mold them to who you want them to be.


    Thank you very much... I realize I am young but it's just difficult for me to see my friends in relationships and I don't really date anyone. It didn't bother me so much even a year ago but it is pretty rough now.

    But I digress. I didn't make this to complain.

    & as for the two other people who posted, I think you are both right & wrong to a certain extent. Maybe sexuality is more fluid than just gay or straight. Maybe there are a bunch of gray areas. Would I ever do things with a girl? Perhaps. But I'd never date a girl because I know what I like and that is masulicinity, not feminism (did I use that word properly?)
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    Jan 17, 2011 12:20 AM GMT
    DragonDevil said
    closer85 said
    DragonDevil said
    closer85 saidNot sure what I'd do. I identify with being bisexual, in fact, I've been with only girls so far (in my life). And I actually thought that'd be enough, but I'm curious about what it'd be like to be with a guy.



    I'm sorry, you can't be bi... Not based on that comment... Your just curious about guys... Man let me tell you something its one thing to be curious, its another to actually go through with it, honestly if you have been with women all your life I bet you don't have the balls to try it with guy or to go out with one in public...

    Don't claim something you are not until you fully know yourself what you are... Your a straight guy, in a gay forum... Claiming to be BI???? that's not right in my book.... Come to terms with who you are and come back to this forum... Because it took me a long time to come to terms with who I am....



    If I felt like I was completely straight, why would I claim to not be?


    I guess you just didn't read my message... Its clear what I wrote... Understand what I mean and then discuss it with me... Don't answer me with a question...


    I did read your message and I disagree, so I chose not to respond. My question is valid - if you seem to think I'm straight, why would I claim not to be? That's sort of silly. I could get into the whole "you don't know me" tirade, but I'll address what I feel you're saying - basically you're promoting an environment of intolerance and it seems like you're projecting what was once your confusion onto me. I'm not really confused about who I am, but I may be confused about what I want to do with it. Apparently in your eyes that mean I can't belong here? What gives you the right to even type that, let alone feel that way?

    Maybe I should explain more - I've always felt a dual attraction to men and women in various degrees throughout my life. For the first time, the attraction towards men is stronger. To me, that identifies as bisexual.

    I felt my personal digression tied into what the OP is asking - I think that many people would choose the safer alternative. Not sure that I would if I was truly in love, but I totally see the rational benefit of being with a woman if you're attracted and can make it work (case in point - being bi instead of in the closet gay).
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    Jan 17, 2011 12:21 AM GMT
    Corhearts25 saidI talked to other gay guys online and that seemed to be the consensus. Is there anyone here who has been in a long-term, commited relationship with a bi guy? It sucks because I like straight-acting guys and, well, most of them are bi.

    I have no personal prejudice against bisexuals regarding their rightful place in our community, and their inclusion in the term GLBT (I don't like the newer lesbian-driven LGBT version).

    At same time, there may be realities here for you. In my experience, which is admittedly not all-encompassing, bi's tend to never be happy being forever in one world or the other. They move between the straight and the gay, never satisfied totally with the one or the other.

    Therefore, I doubt a bi could offer you a lasting relationship. Nor offer a woman, one, either. Unless you didn't mind a somewhat open relationship, where he could have his little dalliances with women, always confident he would never leave you.

    Not my definition of security, and so I wouldn't knowingly attempt an LTR with a bi. But maybe guys who are actually bi themselves could tell us the truth. And with frankness & total honesty. I merely note what I've observed.
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    Jan 17, 2011 12:34 AM GMT
    closer85 said
    I'm not really confused about who I am, but I may be confused about what I want to do with it. Apparently in your eyes that mean I can't belong here? What gives you the right to even type that, let alone feel that way?

    Maybe I should explain more - I've always felt a dual attraction to men and women in various degrees throughout my life. For the first time, the attraction towards men is stronger. To me, that identifies as bisexual.




    Okay Thank you for that... That's what was missing... I wasn't passing my confusion on to you.. I know what I am... But without stating that you have a great attraction towards men, how am I to know with your first post... You said you have only been with women all your life but curious about guys? That doesn't exactly mean your bi.. I've had strong attractions to both since I was a child.. I knew a pretty face when I saw one, guy or girl...

    But I have been in relationship, with men and women where i never cheated on either partner....So i had to come to terms with it... Just saying i'm with women but curious about guys, doesn't mean I'm bi...That's my honest opinion..

    Bi's that are not out fully, choose the safer alternative to be scene with a woman... right? To me that's not fair especially in the case of the OP...



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    Jan 19, 2011 2:06 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    Corhearts25 saidI talked to other gay guys online and that seemed to be the consensus. Is there anyone here who has been in a long-term, commited relationship with a bi guy? It sucks because I like straight-acting guys and, well, most of them are bi.

    I have no personal prejudice against bisexuals regarding their rightful place in our community, and their inclusion in the term GLBT (I don't like the newer lesbian-driven LGBT version).

    At same time, there may be realities here for you. In my experience, which is admittedly not all-encompassing, bi's tend to never be happy being forever in one world or the other. They move between the straight and the gay, never satisfied totally with the one or the other.

    Therefore, I doubt a bi could offer you a lasting relationship. Nor offer a woman, one, either. Unless you didn't mind a somewhat open relationship, where he could have his little dalliances with women, always confident he would never leave you.

    Not my definition of security, and so I wouldn't knowingly attempt an LTR with a bi. But maybe guys who are actually bi themselves could tell us the truth. And with frankness & total honesty. I merely note what I've observed.


    If we are ever going to get past all the prejudice about GLBT people (from others and ourselves), we need to become more open to alternative forms of relationships/families.

    Even if we may not like it, the (religious) heteronormative notion that marriage/coupling is ONE man and ONE woman, it is the exact same (culturally imposed) notion that applies to gay people in terms of monogamy. either man+man or woman+woman.
    So bi people have to choose, it's either /or (non monogamous alternatives are considered immoral) can't have both. Not at the same time at least.

    Let's face it, there's a lot of taboos when it comes to alternative forms of relationships. Bi people will suppress one side of their sexuality or be on the DL as long as monogamy is a measurement for morality.
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    Jan 19, 2011 2:18 PM GMT
    well about half those bis are probably lying lol
  • coolarmydude

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    Jan 19, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    What does it matter if a bi guy will settle in a monogamous gay relationship? It's as if you place masculinity in a bisexual guy more than in a homosexual guy, just because the bisexual is screwing chicks. Pfft! Don't be limited by your disappointing experiences. Be open to numerous possibilities. You have much to learn, grasshopper...
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    Judoguy said, "Even if we may not like it, the (religious) heteronormative notion that marriage/coupling is ONE man and ONE woman, it is the exact same (culturally imposed) notion that applies to gay people in terms of monogamy. either man+man or woman+woman.
    So bi people have to choose, it's either /or (non monogamous alternatives are considered immoral) can't have both. Not at the same time at least"


    Per the bold, what would (gay) monogamy be if not man+ man or woman + woman? It wouldn't be monogamy. icon_wink.gif


    ...to this part, "(non monogamous alternatives are considered immoral)"

    They are? Says who? Straights? Well, let them, though they're as 'guilty (lol)' of non-monogamy as gays or Bis.

    -Doug



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    Jan 19, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    First off, drop the label bi because there's a HUGE range of sexual interests when guys consider themselves bi.

    When most people think of bi guys, they think of guys that are predominately interested in guys. Those guys are a lot more likely to come out given their interests.

    There are a lot of guys that are almost exclusively interested in women with only a passing interest in guys. Most of them never come out since they'd probably never have a relationship with a guy anyway. But, if someone is really comfortable with their sexuality, the might just tell you. Your friend could be in this category.

    Then of course, there is everything in between.

    So I'd say there's a pretty decent chance your friend just isn't into dudes all that much.
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    A bisexual guy typically won't commit to an exclusively gay relationship. They have commitment issues and will typically bounce around back and forth. Just when you think things are going well in your relationship, some chick will creep into the picture out of the blue. Not worth the time and effort trying to understand these folks. Let some clueless chick marry him and deal with the consequences of his noncommittal behavior. Find a real man who knows what he wants in life.
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:55 PM GMT
    Wow this post has been really enlightening actually.
    I'm just going to be honest and admit that I'm one of those guys who is wavering in my sexuality. I only recently started to try understand what it is and have found myself generally going to and fro between male and female.

    Just in terms of attraction though as I've yet to have any relationship but often I find that I'll be attracted to numerous guys (not at once, just over time) and then there will be a girl that I will find myself attracted to and then the confusion settles in all over again.

    I don't want to be that kind of a person, I truly want a monogamous relationship and am not into the hook-up kind of stuff, but often I feel that I might be the type of person incapable of it because of this on going confusion and I don't know how to develop myself into being one or the other and not in the gray area.

    I sometimes get a little envious of straight and gay people because they know what they want 100% (in terms of sexuality) and it frustrates me because I don't understand how it all escaped me.
    But I definitely know now that I should really discover this before I even think about getting involved in a relationship because it has great potential to hurt that other person and make me an asshole which I refuse to be.

    For what it's worth, thanks for posting this.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:15 PM GMT
    meninlove said Judoguy said, "Even if we may not like it, the (religious) heteronormative notion that marriage/coupling is ONE man and ONE woman, it is the exact same (culturally imposed) notion that applies to gay people in terms of monogamy. either man+man or woman+woman.
    So bi people have to choose, it's either /or (non monogamous alternatives are considered immoral) can't have both. Not at the same time at least"


    Per the bold, what would (gay) monogamy be if not man+ man or woman + woman? It wouldn't be monogamy. icon_wink.gif


    ...to this part, "(non monogamous alternatives are considered immoral)"

    They are? Says who? Straights? Well, let them, though they're as 'guilty (lol)' of non-monogamy as gays or Bis.

    -Doug



    Hi Doug,
    Maybe my point didn't come out as clear as I would have wanted. I was trying to say that the norms of gay or lesbians are mostly just as conservative as straight peoples', when it comes to relationships. Everything other than monogamy is considered immoral by society in general.
    So I was basicallly challenging the moral status of monogamy, and how it forces many bisexuals to lead a double life or suppress a side of themselves.
    How about polygami? what is essentially wrong with that? icon_smile.gif





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    Jan 19, 2011 4:33 PM GMT
    judoguy said
    So I was basicallly challenging the moral status of monogamy, and how it forces many bisexuals to lead a double life or suppress a side of themselves.
    How about polygami? what is essentially wrong with that? icon_smile.gif

    Why does a bisexual have to give up a side of himself? If I like blondes and brunettes but marry a blonde, am I giving up a side of myself? Will I be unfaithful because I will inevitably see a brunette I like? Personally, I think that's kind of a silly way to think.

    It's not like all bi guys feel compelled to be with both sexes, and it's not like all partners demand a monogamous relationship.

  • dhinkansas

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    Jan 19, 2011 4:37 PM GMT
    Don't worry so much about labels and what to call yourself.
    People are far too complex and interesting to try to pin one word on themselves.
  • iHavok

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    Jan 19, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
    I'm bi. I haven't dated a girl in 12 years.
    Rarely mention that I would if I met the right one cuz they are so rare...hmm like a dinosaur, except less scales.
    And how do I know that this is still the case and hasn't changed in the last 12 years? Almost dated one this last summer.

    If you believe the whole bell curve/Kinsey whatever, then there has to be ppl all along the spectrum... I'm just not as center as most bi guys.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:42 PM GMT
    Don’t let someone become a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:55 PM GMT
    Hey Judoguy! icon_wink.gif

    "How about polygami? what is essentially wrong with that?"

    Polyamory I'm fine with. Polygamy is one man several wives who are NOT ALLOWED to pick more husbands. One sided rights. Same with polyandry - one woman, several husbands who are NOT ALLOWED to have more wives.

    The legal issues around legal marriages of polyamory are a nightmare of who gets what in survivor rights, child custody, pension rights etc etc etc. as well as relationship issues of two or more ganging up on one.

    ...as always, speaking with you is a pleasure! icon_biggrin.gif

    -Doug