sexless monogamous relationships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    Please help me understand the complexity of sexless relationship. I've been exchanging emails with a guy who hasn't had sex with his boyfriend for nearly a year now. The boyfriend is moving into a separate room. To me they are roommates. I don't doubt they love each other but I don't understand why they would not want to, at the very least, cuddle a bit everyday.

    I've asked him if they have ever discussed the lack of intimacy and he say no. He says his boyfriend lacks a sex drive while he is a total horn dog and that his boyfriend doesn't understand what having a sex drive is like. I can't help but to wonder why his boyfriend lacks a sex drive. Either he doesn't have normal hormone levels or he must have some psychological blockage. They live in a remote location so the possibility that the boyfriend is fooling around on the side is not realistic.

    Which brings me to the last point. They don't have a open relationship but the sexual one admitted to cheating from time to time. What is up with sexless monogamy? I call that celibacy and I'm not willing to make a vow of celibacy but I am quite willing to be monogamous. I prefer monogamy because I like to direct all my sexual energy to one person. I prefer openness and complete honesty to imposing my preference for monogamy on the guy I'm seeing. I have been in a few open relationships but I remained monogamous in all but one. That one is now one of my dearest friends and at times my roommate as I rent my Miami condo to him. I love him but we don't have any of the feelings of possessiveness or jealousy that comes with so many relationships.

    So someone please enlighten me. How is a sexless monogamous relationship better than living with a friend you love? With a friend, you can still have sex and date other men. You can share intimate stories and provide support without fear of jealousy arising. If you are going to tell me that the lovers have a commitment that the friends do not I don't buy that. Sure one of the two friends could move out to shack up with a lover while supposedly there is no risk of this happening in a sexless monogamous relationship. But fear of living alone is not a good justification for a relationship. In fact wouldn't you agree that if one lover leaves the other than the feeling of betrayal could destroy the possibility of a transition to friendship. Now a true friend would be happy to loose a roommate if it meant his friend found someone he loved. Just because he moves out does not mean their friendship needs to end.
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    Jan 16, 2011 11:26 PM GMT
    your asking us when you should be asking him.

    Your bringing your ideas and thoughts and desires into his relationship.. is he being completely honest? are you absolutely sure he's being completely honest?

    at the end of the day it's there relationship and how ever they wanna do it hurray for them.
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    Jan 16, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    if they don't have sex anymore, i should think they still share an intimacy that goes beyond just plain roommates .
    my feeling is they're gradually breaking off . My best gay friend after a 20year LTR broke off with his bf but they still lived together in separate bedrooms for 3 years after. Only moved out 2 years ago... and they still talk and meet over a dinner at times.
    I think it shows maturity and pragmatism.
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    Jan 17, 2011 2:00 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidyour asking us when you should be asking him.

    Your bringing your ideas and thoughts and desires into his relationship.. is he being completely honest? are you absolutely sure he's being completely honest?

    at the end of the day it's there relationship and how ever they wanna do it hurray for them.


    I think you misunderstood that I was just using that relationship as an example. In this thread, however, I am trying to understand sexless monogamous relationships in general. I have been asking him and trying to better understand how his particular relationship works and gotten some interesting feedback that doesn't help me comprehend why they remain together. I do agree that in any relationship it is their relationship and I am by no means imposing any of my beliefs. I get it if neither party wants sex anymore but if one part is still feeling very sexual I don't understand why the other insists he should be celibate.
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    Jan 17, 2011 2:07 AM GMT
    xassantex saidif they don't have sex anymore, i should think they still share an intimacy that goes beyond just plain roommates .
    my feeling is they're gradually breaking off . My best gay friend after a 20year LTR broke off with his bf but they still lived together in separate bedrooms for 3 years after. Only moved out 2 years ago... and they still talk and meet over a dinner at times.
    I think it shows maturity and pragmatism.


    Did they consider just calling it a friendship and remaining roommates? I suppose it would complicate their respective love lives. My roommate is friends with all of his ex boyfriends. He spends Saturday with one and Sunday with the other, and he rents from me. We eat out at times and I often cook him dinner. We often talk about our love lives. We were only together for a year and a half so I imagine it is a whole different story after 20 years with someone.
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Jan 17, 2011 2:12 AM GMT
    Maybe one of them is holding out hope that things'll change.
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    Jan 17, 2011 2:21 AM GMT
    friendormate said... They don't have a open relationship but the sexual one admitted to cheating from time to time. ...
    Then it's not monogamous...
    I would do the same thing; but then again, I openly denounce monogamy.
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    Jan 17, 2011 3:25 AM GMT
    misternick saidMaybe one of them is holding out hope that things'll change.


    That does bring up a good point. In some cases one of the two may be going through a difficult period and the other is holding out hope that once the period has passed the sex will return.
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    Jan 17, 2011 3:26 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    friendormate said... They don't have a open relationship but the sexual one admitted to cheating from time to time. ...
    Then it's not monogamous...
    I would do the same thing; but then again, I openly denounce monogamy.


    Better honesty than faux monogamy right?
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    Jan 17, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    Love and human sexuality are strange beasts, that's for sure.

    Hell, ask your dyke friends about bed death (from a safe distance.) Also, the Coolidge effect could have interesting implications given the remote location of the couple and the lack of alternative sexual partners.

    What's the cliche? Different strokes for different folks?
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Jan 17, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    i like recognizing asexuality :^
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    Jan 17, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    Sounds like a breakup in process to me. If I were in that dude's position and wanted to have sex on the side I'd tell my BF why it wasn't working and try to come to a solution. Relationships need to be mutual. If it isn't working for one and a solution can't be reached, then it's time to break it off.
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    Jan 17, 2011 5:58 AM GMT
    hehe.
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    Jan 17, 2011 7:56 AM GMT
    cold saidTo me:

    sex + a friendship =/= a relationship
    a relationship - sex =/= a friendship


    gotcha
  • crush09

    Posts: 117

    Jan 17, 2011 8:34 AM GMT
    from a medical stand point it could be a psychological disorder related to something like hypoactive sexual disorder or decrease sexual desire dysfunction.

    theirs a case were a man was totally in love with his wife but did not have the desire to have sex with her, and only masterbated and watch porn for the purpose of reliving himself of tention....icon_question.gif|
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    Jan 17, 2011 9:45 AM GMT
    Dude... It's life. And that's why i'm single, this topic is close to me cuz i broke up with my bf of two years last week cuz of it.

    He may have a sex drive, it'll be weak, but it'll be there. The problem. I'm guessing he's working a full time job?
    has alot of commitments... My bf also had the problem he was afraid someone would come round, so we could never make love spart from like 3 in the morning.

    My bf and I were great for the first year, then his job got too much and then we started fighting, didnt have sex for 9 months but we still slept in the same bed just to talk. Trust me, in the end all it becomes is a friendship, no ones getting hurt because their is no love their anymore. No matter how much u deny it, sex is important. It's the only thing that made me feel to close to my bf... even thou i was a total horn dog lol.

    However while in the relationship... You cant just go out and hook up, because even thou u dont know it yet.the feelings that u dont have will still linger that your commited to someone. And the other partner is still being cheated on... physical love still translates through to emotional. U cant have sex, then come home and be like the sex was great with that other dude, how was your day?

    It's all soo confusing and stretched out longly...The best thing they can do is break up and find more compatible sex drives for them and stay friends. Trust me, i've just gone through it.
  • detumescence

    Posts: 4

    Jan 17, 2011 10:33 AM GMT
    friendormate:

    you ask for help in understanding the complexity of sexless relationships. I'd like to help you with this, but first I need to get something off my chest.

    just because someone engages with the world differently from how you regularly engage with it does not mean you need to medicalize/delegitimize them, or their engagement with the world. there are any of number of perfectly healthy individuals who choose to not partake in sex on a regular basis, or at all, and I'm sure they already face enough social ostracizing without having someone on an internet forum question their motives, or attribute what is likely an important part of their person to not having "normal hormone levels or ... some psychological blockage." whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.

    let me restate that: by emphasizing the fact that a person who does not like sex is somehow abnormal, different, or, worst yet, the result of a psychological deficiency, you're 1) perpetuating socio-normative sexual behaviors (you know, kind of like that whole heteronormative thing, which is all sorts of problematic for any number of reasons), and 2) coming across like a self-righteous jackass.

    so please, next time you're commenting on pretty much anything, remember that for whatever your view is of a subject, especially as it relates to sexuality, everyone is different and just because someone is different does not make them mentally and/or physically abnormal. Science hasn't developed thus far with the intent of ostracizing people who don't like sex, or have big heads, or whatever the hell other aspect of their life Science has turned its (wearying) gaze on.


    now, you go on to ask:

    "So someone please enlighten me. How is a sexless monogamous relationship better than living with a friend you love?"

    who made the claim? I don't see it listed or implied anywhere, except perhaps as it arises in your mind as you contemplate (and simultaneously condemn) the relationship of the person you're talking with. but, more importantly, why does it matter if you have divergent views on the subject? why do you feel the need to quantify the quality of these two, distinct forms of relating with another person? why are you seeking, in absolute terms, an answer to a question that is extremely likely to be entirely dependent on context?

    you go on to make some more comments that aren't really worth responding to, namely because you already sound like you've convinced yourself of your opinion and it isn't up for discussion.

    which is cool, that you have your opinion. seriously.

    but, and let me stress this point: when it comes to others' sexuality and other peoples' relationships, it's not all about you. I, and any number of other people, don't care that your definition of "lovers" and "friends" don't align perfectly with everyone else's. just because you learned some trope about "good justification[s]" for relationships doesn't mean that everyone else has to follow it.

    that being said, though, a "true friend," at least to me, would be one who didn't try to pass judgment on me for living my life the way I'm living it. a "true friend" wouldn't post (arguably) intimate details of my sexual history on an online forum with an underlying, aggravating tone of incredulity. a "true friend" would realize that their opinion might very well not be my opinion, and that having an open discussion on a topic kind of necessitates having an open mind. that is to say, not coming into the conversation with a barrel full of (unjustified) opinions and a mind to question anything that presents itself as The Other.




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    Jan 17, 2011 10:59 AM GMT
    My guess is the guy with the high libido (A) is not happy, thus talking to others about it, as he is with friendormate.

    In that case, A is looking for advice as their relationship is deteriorating in his eyes.

    I do not see it as friendormate judging, just trying to understand the reason for staying in a relationship in which A does not seem happy.

    Though I agree with others, it is not a sexless monogamy, A is cheating.

    I have not stayed in a sexless relationship. And I am not condemning or judging those that can't keep up. We are just opposites. And it is just not worth the frustration and accusations I have received.

    Back to the posting, I would suggest to A, either talk to his "roommate" and come to an agreement or move out. One person should not have to give up 100% of something.
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    Jan 17, 2011 2:23 PM GMT
    Some people just don't get off on sex. The don't see the point. Sometimes I envy them. It does not mean they suffer from a disorder. If they are married to a horndog, the latter just needs to decide if the richness of the relationship is worth a compromised sex life. I am close to a couple like this. They have the most awesome life together, bit it remains mostly sexless because one of them just isn't into it. For both it is totally worth it.
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    Jan 17, 2011 2:49 PM GMT
    FearTheFall saidSounds like a breakup in process to me. If I were in that dude's position and wanted to have sex on the side I'd tell my BF why it wasn't working and try to come to a solution. Relationships need to be mutual. If it isn't working for one and a solution can't be reached, then it's time to break it off.



    I think so, too. A relationship is a living thing; it grows, or changes, or ends. Sometimes there are combinations of two of the three.

    friendormate, you're seeing a relationship in motion that hasn't come to its conclusion of being stable or not. Too early.

    -Doug

  • CarbGoggles

    Posts: 705

    Jan 17, 2011 3:00 PM GMT
    Sounds like a codependency to me. There is some factor in the relationship that binds them. Whatever it is... it's more significant than sex. Perhaps the non sexual one is loaded and the sexual one is a mooch?
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Jan 17, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    Maybe friendormate isn't judging as much as trying to sympathize with someone who's situation he doesn't understand.

    Could be the horny one in the couple isn't happy and that's coming across in the e-mails and friendormate has sincere intentions of trying to understand so he can help.


    Re-reading the original post, I want to make a comment on his use of "the complexities of a sexless relationship." I think I few other posters have suggested basically the same thing, but maybe there's not much complexity to it. One wants to have sex more than the other, that's just the way it is.

    Personally, I think that's depressing. That's kind of how those simple truths usually go, though.
  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Jan 17, 2011 5:52 PM GMT
    misternick saidMaybe one of them is holding out hope that things'll change.


    You see this is the same problem many of us mono relationships face. Like i said in my post i got a boyfriend that says hes tired does not want to have sex but then i find him jerking off in the bathroom after he refused sex with me, dont get me wrong i have no problem with the man jerking off and watching porn but what i dont like is wekks and weeks go by without us having sex, he shows no romance to me whatsoever. i love him and i know he loves me but the sex problem is bad.

    So with this dude here i do seriously have sympathy.

    waiting for something to change does not help the cause, if a year passes and no sex, there is a seriously Huge problem and i for one would not call that love, i would call that more of a friendship not a relationship between two people in love, becuase sex is very important, i got a very high sex drive my partners is lower, yes i know what it feels like to be starved, but i will not cheat, i will be faithful but i honestly do not blame people for cheating when their own partner rejects them and shows no signs of romance and love. This is a disaster.
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    Jan 17, 2011 6:50 PM GMT
    misternick saidMaybe friendormate isn't judging as much as trying to sympathize with someone who's situation he doesn't understand.

    Could be the horny one in the couple isn't happy and that's coming across in the e-mails and friendormate has sincere intentions of trying to understand so he can help.


    Re-reading the original post, I want to make a comment on his use of "the complexities of a sexless relationship." I think I few other posters have suggested basically the same thing, but maybe there's not much complexity to it. One wants to have sex more than the other, that's just the way it is.

    Personally, I think that's depressing. That's kind of how those simple truths usually go, though.


    THANK YOU SO MUCH!

    This is exactly my point. I have no problem with someone deciding to be celibate I have a problem with someone imposing their celibacy on someone they love. The passionate response from the guy who accused me of all kinds of things including betraying a friend is obviously quite bothered by this topic. To be clear, this is not a friend but merely a guy who approached me on the internet. That led to many emails and him opening up about his relationship.

    Donovan and Beneim have expressed the kind of pain I feel the sexual individual must experience. I love sex, I love intimacy, I love falling asleep in another guy's arms and waking up the next morning beside him. I love touching someone all over and causing them to become aroused. When it is someone you love, it is not all about the orgasm but the poetic journey that gets you there. So why wouldn't I feel that if someone doesn't want that that they are missing out on something beautiful? Why wouldn't I feel that the sexual individual feels he is making an enormous compromise particularly when his lover moves into another room!

    I have had a couple of platonic romances and they can be quite intense and beautiful. Heterosexuals now have terms like bromance or womance to describe these friendships. Friendships can be deep, loving and long lasting. So why do we have to have a sexless monogamous relationships unless both parties are asexual? Could it be that we have lost the art of nurturing a deep meaningful friendship so we must call it romance even when there is no sex involved?

    There are aspects of the American society that demonize people with a high sex drive. They are called nymphomaniacs, horn dogs and the like. I imagine this could add a layer of guilt on the shoulders of the sexual partner. I feel a lot of our societies homophobia is rooted in the uneasy feeling so many people have about sex. After all homosexuals have sex purely for pleasure so we are the hopeless libertines.

    This guy even described himself as a horn dog. I told him I did not have an outrageously high sex drive but that I liked sex 2 to 4 times a week and would happily settle for once a week if they is all we could have. His reply was that that was a very high sex drive! Really? Maybe this self professed horn dog is just a guy with a normal sex drive.
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Jan 17, 2011 6:55 PM GMT
    Wow, I never thought of "horn dog" as derogatory... I kinda always try to live up to it =)

    Unfortunately, the way life turns out, I'm mostly talk.