Need advice - Do I tell this guy how I feel? Feeling lost!

  • dissociative

    Posts: 45

    Jan 18, 2011 7:23 AM GMT
    So I've been hanging out with this guy for 2 months now, and we've gone out a few times. I'm not usually naive, and I've dated enough guys to know when I'm dealing with a case of "he's just not that into you." But this one has got me completely puzzled.

    Like I said, we're just hanging out, and we've not done anything (not even kissed.) Plus, I'm the one who almost always initiates contact (call or text; though he always responds, every time) These things would make me think he's not interested.

    But then again, he does things that make me believe he's interested. The last 3 times we went out, he was the one to say at the end, "let's hang out/do something/whatever next weekend" (giving a specific date instead of simply saying "soon," like he used to at the beginning.) We also occasionally have lengthy phone conversations, and I'm pretty sure he enjoys my company in a general sense.

    He's mentioned a couple of times that he thinks it's better if things don't get physical right away, and to give time for an emotional connection to evolve first (which I totally respected and appreciated.)

    The thing is, I was fine at first with just hanging out and seeing where this would go, without worrying too much. But I'm starting to have very strong feelings for him, and I have no evidence of how he really feels about me. I'm afraid of telling him how I feel and scare him off.

    He said he's been hurt in the past and has a hard time trusting people. I really want to believe that it's all just a matter of him slowly opening up and letting me in. But sometimes I fear he's playing me because he might like me but is waiting to see if someone "better" comes along.

    I'm usually not the type to fret so much over a guy like this. But I like him a lot and I'm terrified one day he's gonna get tired of me (and/or find someone else) and just disappear icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 8:20 AM GMT
    Hmm, I know exactly how you feel...but I think, his being hurt aside, that he is approaching the relationship with a wise attitude. He has obviously learned well from a past negative experience and is trying the approach of emotional bonding before anything gets physical...smart move in my books.

    But that doesn't preclude you from sharing your feelings with him. You have gone on what would appear to be several dates with him and open communication is part of a relationship.

    I'm not really one to buy into this idea of "scaring him off by showing your emotions". I think vocalizing your feelings is part and parcel to a good relationship. Just keep in mind what his emotions are and approach it maturely and with your feet on the ground......you'll be fine.....IKeithicon_wink.gif
  • Jessie_Lee

    Posts: 113

    Jan 18, 2011 8:44 AM GMT
    Be honest, but not emotional. I agree with vetteset that the guy sounds like he's had some negative experiences and is learning from them. Giving definite dates to go out says that he's definitely looking forward to going out with you rather than the vague "soon" answers.

    Don't push it. You can be honest and tell him that you really like him and hope to move forward and be in a relationship with him. But also let him know that you respect him and his wishes and that you're willing to wait for him. Value his opinions and independence and accept him as who he is, and he'll see that.

    Be careful though, sometimes negative experiences could also have negative effects on someone. I remember this one good-looking straight boy who has a hot girlfriend. He would ask her to cover up sometimes when most guys would be proud to have a hot girlfriend showing off some cleavage. When I asked her about it, it turns out his previous girlfriend that he really liked cheated on him, which would make him slightly more paranoid about guys looking at his new girlfriend. So I'd suggest to you to not get too attached until you find out more about the negative experiences that he's had.

    The last thing he needs is another negative experience, and so do you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    If telling him how you feel scares him off, then you know it wasn't meant to be! Dating shouldn't be so hard. You have nothing to lose telling him (which btw, be probably already knows). The longer you remain in this unsure state, the longer you are wasting your mental energy. Find out what is going on, so that you can move on if you need to.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jan 18, 2011 12:16 PM GMT
    Genuine honesty is not a scary idea, so being scared off by it is bs. Just tell him what you're thinking.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 1:06 PM GMT
    Exactly the responses that i was hoping to find after reading the OP.

    Look, i don't know why it's so hard for people to say and let others know how they feel about certain things. It's how you feel for hells sakes. Why be passive aggressive or shy about your feelings when you know your hearts in a good place?

    Exactly what was said above, if you say what you're feeling and it scares someone off.. He was definately not for you. Everyone has feelings and emotions, at some point in his life he's going to feel the same about someone as you feel about him. And if he gets scared off from you telling him your feelings and emotions, later on down the road he's going to feel like an asshole when he starts to feel the same for someone else.

    Get what i mean?

    Respect your feelings. And like my sisters always tell me. You should follow what's in your heart, if your heart gives you a moments pause on something, listen to it. Chances are you're in a situation where you don't want to be in. If your heart starts to skip a beat and starts beating faster whenever you're around someone and your emotions start going haywire.. Listen to them and yourself icon_smile.gif

    Seems like you're having a good time with this guy. I wish you luck!
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 18, 2011 1:42 PM GMT
    It sounds like you have a good bf and a good start. The only thing you are currently missing is the sex. It's just interesting to me that lack of sex is causing this concern, since everything else sounds like it's going ok.

    I've had two ltr's start out this way, and both times I eventually found out that the other guy liked me so much he didn't want to have "sex" with me, he wanted to wait until we both felt something deep for each other and that when it happened it would be making "love".
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 18, 2011 1:45 PM GMT
    Sounds like he values you as a friend... wants you as a friend, but a physical or emotional involvement (as in a relationship) isn't his priority.

    Sounds like decent friendship material.. are you willing to settle for that?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    I've had the... Let's just be friends episode come to an end right before new years. I flat out asked if he just wanted to be friends. He couldn't tell me. Now I know and I can move on.

    Last night, I made dinner for someone that I'm interested in. I just got back into town, and he asked if we could do it the next day. Sure! You do what you have to do. And you need to listen to your heart as well. Dont hurt yourself either by beating yourself up and questioning your next move.

    Make sure your bathroom is clean and your bed is made at all times! That is of course, unless you both are sleeping in the bed, or making wild sex in the shower then it can get messed up.

    Have a GREAT DAY!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 2:41 PM GMT

    "He's mentioned a couple of times that he thinks it's better if things don't get physical right away, and to give time for an emotional connection to evolve first (which I totally respected and appreciated.)"


    ...and now, after 2 months you're experiencing exactly what he said he was waiting for. See?
    " But I'm starting to have very strong feelings for him,..."




    "...and I have no evidence of how he really feels about me. I'm afraid of telling him how I feel and scare him off."

    ...which isn't exactly logical if he's been waiting for an emotional connection.

    Bottom line: it's up to you. If he's going to be scared away by your feelings, ask yourself if that's the kind of guy you want to be with. I prefer someone who's not scared of feelings. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Jan 18, 2011 3:01 PM GMT
    Tell him that it meant a lot to you to have him say that he wanted to see you again next weekend because you really enjoy spending time with him and hope that some day he will want to take it to the next level.
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    Jan 18, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    LanceKC saidTell him that it meant a lot to you to have him say that he wanted to see you again next weekend because you really enjoy spending time with him and hope that some day he will want to take it to the next level.


    You know LanceKC you're onto something here. That's simply put and not demanding.

    HOW you say something is just as important as what you want to say.
    So how about the OP writing up what he wants to say to his BF and post it here? Then we can can go through it and reword things if it gets too heavy.

    -Doug

  • dissociative

    Posts: 45

    Jan 18, 2011 3:25 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for your responses! It's been helpful.

    I've had one LTR for a couple of years, but it all moved so fast with that one that I never went through this anxiety and worrying. After that I've been single for 2 years, but never felt anything strong about any guy. So all these feelings I'm having now for him are quite new and I'm having trouble knowing what's the best way to deal with them.

    I know honesty shouldn't scare him off. I just worry that it's too soon.

    For the guy who asked if I'd settle for being friends. I thought I'd be ok with that at the beginning. But now I think I like him way too much to be ok with just being his buddy (and one day having to hear about someone else he met.)

    Just to make something clear, I'm not bothered at all by the fact we haven't had sex yet. For a guy like him, I would wait as long as it takes. I want a lot more with him than just to get in his pants. But then again, at least a kiss would give more certainty of how he feels at least (or maybe not; a kiss can be meaningless.)

    We went out this past weekend, and we're supposed to go out again this weekend. After that he'll be traveling and I probably won't see him for 3 weeks. Should I go for it next time we meet and tell him? Do I tell him at the end?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    per my latest post, why not write out what you'd like to say to him and we can see HOW you'd say it (as it what words and phrases you'd use). This can be a good exercise, and could give you some feedback as to how to say something without worrying about sounding pushy or demanding.

    -Doug
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jan 18, 2011 3:51 PM GMT
    The next time he sets up an activity, ask to bring a third person. That will tell him that he needs to step up or lose out.
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    Jan 18, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidThe next time he sets up an activity, ask to bring a third person. That will tell him that he needs to step up or lose out.


    This strikes me as a bit of game-playing. Just be honest as others have suggested, and I would say something before he leaves for three weeks.

    Like MenInLove suggest, try writing it out. I think LanceKC has the best suggestion for what to say:

    "It meant a lot to me when you said you wanted to see me again this weekend. I really enjoy spending time with you."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 4:36 PM GMT
    I agree with the others that say to just be honest. Open communication makes a relationship a million times better, so start that now. One night when you are together, just tell him how you feel about him, then ask how he feels about you. Ask him where he thinks yall's relationship or whatever is going and where he wants it to go. Talking about thoughts and feelings can help so much in these situations.

    Honestly as far as the texting and calling, some people just are not good at it. If a guy who is normally good at it stops texting or calling you so much then MAYBE he is losing interest, but some people just have no idea how to be a good communicator.
  • dissociative

    Posts: 45

    Jan 18, 2011 5:04 PM GMT
    I'm still thinking of what to say. I'll post some ideas here later on.

    Yeah, I think bringing a third person is a bad idea. If he's not interested in me, he's just not gonna care. But if he really likes me, that's just gonna piss him off and make him distance himself.

    KSUOWL said
    Honestly as far as the texting and calling, some people just are not good at it. If a guy who is normally good at it stops texting or calling you so much then MAYBE he is losing interest, but some people just have no idea how to be a good communicator.


    I really hope that's the case. He's never been good about it from day one. Although, like I said, he's not flaky at all. He's returned every single one of my calls and texts. I just wish he'd take more initiative.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 9:43 PM GMT
    He's obviously likes hanging out and doing things with you- but nothing beyond that. Tells me he thinks your a great person but just wants to be friends.
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    Jan 18, 2011 9:59 PM GMT
    trunk2 saidI'm usually not the type to fret so much over a guy like this. But I like him a lot and I'm terrified one day he's gonna get tired of me (and/or find someone else) and just disappear icon_sad.gif

    Why "terrified"? This is part of gay life. Guys come and go. When the right guy comes along, you'll both know it.

    Sounds like this is not the right guy. You're young enough. with endless potential in front of you. Move on, my friend, move on. You'll find him yet, don't settle for this uncertainty.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2011 1:21 AM GMT
    So basically, you are saying you want him to be the top and you be his bottom bitch? ROFL
  • dissociative

    Posts: 45

    Jan 23, 2011 5:20 PM GMT
    Sad ending icon_sad.gif

    Yeah, so I got the courage and told him I needed to talk after we went out Friday night. Before I had the chance to say anything, he said he wasn't ready for any commitment and couldn't offer me anything beyond what we had. I did the not-so-smart-but-honest thing, and told him anyway that I liked him. He said he liked me too (I wasn't fully convinced; he paused before saying it) but reiterated he couldn't give me anything more right now. Said he does enjoy hanging out with me, but understands if I can no longer do it. I told him I'd still like to do it, but at the moment I need some time.

    Oh well. Went home heartbroken, cried a little, then tried not to think about it. Woke up this morning, realized that the wonderful dream I just had with him last night was simply that--a dream. Now this time I cried hard. Suffering a lot now, but like some of you said, at least I can move on... icon_confused.gif

    It just sucks that, after going through a ton of guys and finally finding the one you have strong, genuine feelings for--that guy doesn't want you back. Maybe I need a break from dating.

    Thanks everyone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2011 6:16 PM GMT
    Aww...*hugs trunk2 warmly*

    You did good, and hey, he beat you to it, which takes away any worries that telling him affected his feelings (scared him).

    *gives trunk2 another hug and some back rubbing and patting*

    If I lived closer we'd come over with something sweet and fattening and we'd have coffee with it.

    I used to listen to this song when what happened to you happened to me (and boy did it ever, several times).

    -Doug

    Hmmm...embed code not working...so

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuvO2Vw-M2Y&playnext=1&list=PL628FC5F812C0F6A2&index=18

  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 23, 2011 6:51 PM GMT


    The thing is, I was fine at first with just hanging out and seeing where this would go, without worrying too much. But I'm starting to have very strong feelings for him, and I have no evidence of how he really feels about me. I'm afraid of telling him how I feel and scare him off.

    He said he's been hurt in the past and has a hard time trusting people. I really want to believe that it's all just a matter of him slowly opening up and letting me in. But sometimes I fear he's playing me because he might like me but is waiting to see if someone "better" comes along.

    I'm usually not the type to fret so much over a guy like this. But I like him a lot and I'm terrified one day he's gonna get tired of me (and/or find someone else) and just disappear icon_sad.gif[/quote] listen, i say tell him how you feel. if he does not feel the same then i think you should move on. i know a good guy is hard to find but i do not think you should be holding on to the possibility for one with him.