Working out for other people

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2011 7:05 PM GMT
    There is something that is troubling me and I wanted to see if I'm alone in this thinking. I recently came out not too long ago, and made a few gay friends. But, it seems as if the gay guys claim that if you don't lift weights, you will be ugly forever and never find someone to be in a long-term relationship. I'm a slim guy, and out of the 4 guys that I hung out, only one really weightlifts. The others don't go to the gym often, but say they only want guys who have big biceps and look macho. I told them I don't lift to weightlift at all, and they pretty much said that if you want to be worth something in this gay world, it's required to be a gym rat. It kinda got to me, because it seems every male I see walking around lifts weights and drinks protein shakes, etc. and I just don't feel that. It's as if I feel like someone's putting a gun to my head saying if I don't weightlift, I'll have no friends or partners. But, I don't enjoy it, at all. If I do lift weights, I'm only doing it to make other people happy. I dont have any care or motivation.


    What do the fitness community think? Should I workout because it's what every single human must do everyday of their lives, or keep doing other forms of exercise? I'm not morbidly obese, nor do I live a physically inactive lifestyle, but it seems to everyone that if you don't look buff, you're worthless to society.
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    Jan 18, 2011 8:05 PM GMT
    If your motivation behind 'working out' is anything but self improvement, then you won't be 'working out' for too long. To be perfectly honest, one of the reasons why I work out is to achieve that 'ideal body' (which will probably never happen), but that's only part of my motivation. The more I have learned about the 'healthy lifestyle', the more motivated I get. I am now really into nutrition, fitness & stress management (i.e. doing yoga, going on vacations, etc...). So, work out because you think that you're worth the effort & not because what others want of you. Hope this helps.
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    Jan 19, 2011 2:01 AM GMT
    I agree with that first sentence, which is why the decision to add weight lifting to my current workout is debatable, because I have tried it, and I quit, and I tried it again, and I stopped, because I hated it so very much. The most recent on/off event, I started because people were telling me I had to or else, and I stopped because I realized I am not really interested compared to people who are. It feels like people are forcing me to "beef up" whereas I don't want to or enjoy it. And I don't know if I'm wrong to think this and I should do it, or I should not listen and realize I don't need to weight lift ever.

    As far as keeping healthy in general, I do exercise, I do pushups/pullups and I run. See, I am NOT NOT NOT trying to be the most healthiest, fit, amazing person in the history of mankind. I just don't want to be sedentary and inactive, and what I currently do doesn't make me sedentary and inactive. But, it seems people are saying every male is required to weightlift and if you were to walk down a street, every single male will be someone who lifts. It's like going into gay clubs, where every single male has big biceps.
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    Most of the gay guys I know are scrawnier than average....

    I wouldn't think it'd really matter unless you're only attracted to guys with muscles.
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:29 AM GMT
    Chomper said... but it seems to everyone that if you don't look buff, you're worthless to society.
    Count me in as part of everyone. icon_biggrin.gif
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jan 19, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    There are all kinds of "builds" that are sexy. But there are only two kinds of "built" (true in both straight and gay culture) One is the guys who are just wearing their body for show, like a rental tux. This is sadly VERY common in gay men. The other, and this is the rarer of the two, owns his body because he's connected to it not for others, but for himself. With the latter, if anybody else TRULY enjoys it, it's because it's the skin he's genuinely IN, not just hanging on him for effect. You can have a sculpted magnificent mantle draped over shallow nothingness (and magnified by vanity, at best) and you'll be interesting for approximately the same period of time a porn film is interesting, and about as deeply satisfying in the long run. Or, you can have a simply trim, fit not fat body of a guy who plays friggin' frisbee golf twice a week and skates, and be so profoundly hot and sexy that no HGH'd hooligan can hope to hold a candle to you.

    Dear OP, YOU have a body. Use it, for something, anything that tests it, pushes it, challenges it, keeps it tuned up and tuned-in to what matters to you. Running, rowing, lifting, tennis, volleyball, baseball, swimming, surfing, skating, blading, boarding, hiking... hell - even bowling or dancing. (Please note, chip consumption and channel surfing are not in this list of possibilities...) but whatever it is, obey the instinct and USE it.

    Pride and confidence - versus arrogance and smugness - are exceptionally attractive and sexually appealing. A man connected to his body - as something more than a place to hang out and a way to get from point a to point b while stopping by McDonalds once in a while - is palpably different than someone who neglects or abuses their body. His mind is sharper, and his intellect has greater value to others (in my opinion). And I say that from experience...as someone who left himself out of the picture for a LONG damn time and woke up JUST before it was too late.

    Your body is connected to something deeper, and there's no shame in acknowledging your physical attraction to a certain build on a guy or a desire to hold and be held by a guy in good condition. How you define that on yourself does not have to be how you prefer it on others - it only has to show that you're actually plugged in a level that says "I have self-respect and self-awareness".

    Get off the couch and go do what connects you at the core and then - go find a connection with another guy who does the same, no matter how it's manifested.

    xo
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    " I went to the Gym once...I threw up and left" -Rosanne Barr


    Listen to your heart and do what you think is right for you. What they ( Those gym guys) are telling you is a crock of BS. The Gym craze didn't start not really til the 90's. Nobody met and talked and had sex before that? Think you've been talking to some pretty shallow people. All gym guys are not like that. There's a lotta nice people in and out of the gym. You can be healthy and energetic without going to the gym 24/7 but it don't hurt to have some kind of physical exercise. You are still a young guy. Concentrate on having some good times
    with that. You can decide on the workout at a later date. Smile Often Laugh Lots and above all be who you are.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:22 AM GMT
    Your best solution is to find new friends. They're raking your insecurities over with a fine toothed comb because they're weak and they're exploiting you in order to feel better about themselves. They don't even work out...what does that say about them? Who needs a bunch of hypocrites in their lives.

    Do what you like. If you're doing something you really enjoy you're more likely to stick with it over the long haul. Think 20-30 years from now, they'll be a bunch of washed up has beens, and you'll still be healthy and fit and ready for anything.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    Chomper saidThere is something that is troubling me and I wanted to see if I'm alone in this thinking. I recently came out not too long ago, and made a few gay friends. But, it seems as if the gay guys claim that if you don't lift weights, you will be ugly forever and never find someone to be in a long-term relationship. I'm a slim guy, and out of the 4 guys that I hung out, only one really weightlifts. The others don't go to the gym often, but say they only want guys who have big biceps and look macho. I told them I don't lift to weightlift at all, and they pretty much said that if you want to be worth something in this gay world, it's required to be a gym rat. It kinda got to me, because it seems every male I see walking around lifts weights and drinks protein shakes, etc. and I just don't feel that. It's as if I feel like someone's putting a gun to my head saying if I don't weightlift, I'll have no friends or partners. But, I don't enjoy it, at all. If I do lift weights, I'm only doing it to make other people happy. I dont have any care or motivation.


    What do the fitness community think? Should I workout because it's what every single human must do everyday of their lives, or keep doing other forms of exercise? I'm not morbidly obese, nor do I live a physically inactive lifestyle, but it seems to everyone that if you don't look buff, you're worthless to society.



    You should do whatever the fuck you want to do and be proud of it. Sorry to be direct. But everyone is hot in their own way. I might not be sexually attracted to someone because of certain types.. however that does not make them any less hot.

    I started working out because i was sick and tired of being skinny and scrawny. I got picked on tons in highschool, always the one that got speared and checked in lacrosse. Just for my size and how my body type was. I was sick of it and i started working out for me.

    While i was working out though i have noticed that people will give you a certain attention. However, it's a double edged sword. No one means anything serious by the attention they give you. If they do, it's very rare. They just want you as a new flavor or a piece of meat. Here in Seattle at least it's like that. When i was 135 i was barely looked at and no one would even try to get to know me or it was very rare.. When i gained about 30 lbs.. people were starting to notice me but it was for the wrong reasons. I get *some* attention.. but again it's not the kind that is meaningful, only rarely does that happen.

    So again, you do what YOU want to do and don't worry so much what others think. What i bolded is nothing more than a shallow version of what i was trying to explain above in my response to you. Working out does not mean jack shit, and does not mean anything or that you'll be anything in the gay world. If you're muscular and you have a great body you can still be uglier than sin if your personality does not match. You can be toned and fit have the best personality and that in my eyes makes you hotter than hell. You can be overweight and enjoying your life and have the best personality and that makes you hot but doesn't mean i'll be sexually attracted to you (But again that's my thing.. not everyone elses).

    You seem like a good guy, you're not worthless, you're hot in your own way. Fuck what everyone else thinks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:43 AM GMT
    That's something else too that's worth mentioning, I feel like if you're seen as "skinny, slim, scrawny", whatever you're forced to workout. And even though I run and jog, I look slim and skinny. I do think it's awesome that you've gained 30lbs for yourself, but I guess I feel like the little guy who doesn't want to change, but if I don't I'll never find someone who want a relationship. I don't get picked on or bullied, but like you mentioned also, if every male ignores me because I'm small, do I have to resort to doing something I hate for the rest of my life? Like everyone is saying, probably not, and I shall do what I please. I just hope I don't get ignored by everyone.

    But like you said, fuck what they think, if that does happen icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 19, 2011 6:33 AM GMT
    Oh, I forgot to add, I should probably hang out with different gay guys. They are the only other ones I know, due to the gay organization.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2011 6:51 AM GMT
    Chomper saidAnd even though I run and jog, I look slim and skinny.

    Correction: "Because I run and jog, I look slim and skinny."

    I used to have some muscle in college when I lifted and ran, but after I graduated, I literally burned through all of the muscle I had left until I was somewhat anorexic looking. I just couldn't eat enough food to keep up with the running.

    Walk into a gym sometime and look at the guys and girls on the treadmill then ask yourself how many of them are muscular...
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    Jan 19, 2011 7:25 AM GMT
    Oh, my bad. See, I don't mind looking the way I am. But I feel everyone else does. The "BMI" index is not in a danger zone, and I've shown my body to my straight friends and they said I don't look skinny, but I guess I'm not sure if the gays I would want to meet agree.
  • MuscleComeBac...

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    Jan 19, 2011 1:10 PM GMT
    Chomper saidOh, my bad. See, I don't mind looking the way I am. But I feel everyone else does. The "BMI" index is not in a danger zone, and I've shown my body to my straight friends and they said I don't look skinny, but I guess I'm not sure if the gays I would want to meet agree.


    If the gays you would want to meet don't agree with how fine you look, you DON'T really need or want to meet them.

    I'll be a broken record and say this again: the gym is just one place to connect and challenge your body, you don't have to be a super-star athlete to find something cool and physically challenging that's fun and rewarding for you - again, boarding, volleyball, hiking, dancing at the club for hours on end. Sex! (no, really!) It doesn't matter if you have a "membership" someplace and it doesn't have to involve free weights and machines and aerobic equipment. Screw the model of 'gym rat' and screw anybody who thinks you have to do any one thing to be healthy and happy other than embrace your identity and celebrate you. Yes, you have to eat well - not fanatically - yes you have to get up off the couch and DO something - but it's doing what works for you that feeds your spirit, and your body will respond accordingly. I watched a buddy in the gym last week describe how he throws javelin. Now, out guys are not my 'type', usually, but his grace, his form, his focus and man...that LOOK in his eyes, DAMN, that was some sexy fucking shit right there and I thought "wow, he's hot as hell!" I saw the man who was IN the body that I hadn't really noticed and CLING! It was like stadium lights went on! LOL

    And forget the gay guys who think the gym is the answer. They're posers, at best.
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    Jan 19, 2011 1:15 PM GMT
    Yeah, that is what I'm hating, the fact that people only care about looks. I don't get harassed or beaten up because I'm slim so I've never hated myself for being small. But, I do get scared that I'll end up alone, but hopefully there is someone out there who likes someone who is active yet thin. I know this site is RealJOCK and I am more of a sporty jock as opposed to a muscular jock, but I wanted to see if my opinion/thought was right or wrong and such. Also, I get the impression that any gay who has any type of muscle doesn't want to be non-sexual friends with a thin guy, all because of how they look.

    Personally, I would see myself partake in a martial arts class as opposed to lifting weights of any sort. It brings out a good workout, and I see myself finding enjoyment/motivation doing that. I do agree with the above poster, connecting body with activity, and that is what I do like to do too.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 19, 2011 1:28 PM GMT
    Good thread, Chomper, thanks for taking the time to write it.

    You always need to do whats right for you. What makes you happy and
    if you choose to work out.. do it for your health and wellness. What you have heard is really ridiculous. Sure, a nice looking, fit guy is attractive.....but it isn't the end all in life. What about those guys who
    are physically unable to exercise? Does there "gay stock" sink in life?
    LOL

    The bottom line is, there are many gay guys who work out... many don't.
    The most important thing is that you are happy in your life... live your life in the way you are comfortable.. if that includes exercise.. kudos! If not,
    your happiness is the ultimate goal.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jan 19, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    Chomper saidYeah, that is what I'm hating, the fact that people only care about looks. I don't get harassed or beaten up because I'm slim so I've never hated myself for being small. But, I do get scared that I'll end up alone, but hopefully there is someone out there who likes someone who is active yet thin. I know this site is RealJOCK and I am more of a sporty jock as opposed to a muscular jock, but I wanted to see if my opinion/thought was right or wrong and such. Also, I get the impression that any gay who has any type of muscle doesn't want to be non-sexual friends with a thin guy, all because of how they look.

    Personally, I would see myself partake in a martial arts class as opposed to lifting weights of any sort. It brings out a good workout, and I see myself finding enjoyment/motivation doing that. I do agree with the above poster, connecting body with activity, and that is what I do like to do too.


    MARTIAL ARTS? Oh, dude, GO do it, have fun, dive in. Anybody who doesn't want to be your BF is an asshole! Hello! Damn..
    Dude, a jock is defined by something deeper than look. Endo, Meso, Ecto...it doesn't matter. The best bike racer I ever knew was a guy who looked like George on Seinfeld. He kicked ass and medaled in road races. And he was very much a real jock. And if ANYbody ever chooses your friendship based on your body type, check the deep freeze in their garage for body parts...what a creepy thought and an impossibly shallow, hopelessly ignorant reason to call another human being friend.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 19, 2011 1:36 PM GMT
    I know very few gay men that are into heavy weight lifting. I know a very few who actually stick to a schedule to work out. Most I know drink heavily and eat whatever they want. Quite a few of them smoke.

    Most of these guys are far more successful than myself at finding a guy and being in a relationship. They tend to find a guy that smokes, drinks, and can drop whatever they're doing to go to a party or event. By the time one of my friends tell me they'll be at an event, etc, it's too late because I'm either on my way to the gym or working out(this has happened to me the only two times in the last month that I've been invited out).

    To me, the type of world you describe sounds like nirvana. Where guys actually work out and know about healthy living. Where once in awhile I could meet a guy that wouldn't visibly cringe when they find out I'm a vegetarian and ignorantly argue with me that it is an unhealthy diet.

    I know a few very well built and muscular guys that are in their fifties and they look great. But they are perpetually single. I thought this was because they wanted to be single but I've been finding that's not the case. It just seems they can't find anyone in their age group that can keep up with them. They seem to date a lot, but younger guys and it never ends up in a relationship. They drink modestly or not at all when they go out and most think they are stuck up just because they are reserved and don't get trashed every weekend like the rest of the bar. I stand with them at the bar just chatting and watching all the festivities while the only people that come up and talk with us are straight women.

    I dunno, maybe it's my location.....Ohio.....ughh.... But I just don't know too many gay guys that work out much. If it doesn't work out for you in ny, move to cleveland, lol.

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    Jan 19, 2011 6:50 PM GMT
    That is a good point too, there are tons of straight males in all different sizes who have loving wives. And I hope there are tons of gay males in all different sizes who find somebody to love. I dont want the hottest piece of ass alive, I just want one guy. From what I hear or read, all skinny guys want muscular guys, all average guys want muscle, all heavy guys want muscle, and all jocks wants muscle. And while all those guys gets partners with a muscle guy, where does that leave the slim guy like me? I'm gonna just keep living life for me and see what happens regardless.
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    Jan 20, 2011 5:48 AM GMT
    I wanted to bump this topic to ask another question instead of making a whole other thread

    Does it make me feel like a douche if I tell someone who suggests I should beef up that I dont want any part of that? I fear if I say no, they will go on for an hour about why I should beef up even though I politely declined.
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    Jan 20, 2011 6:21 AM GMT
    Chomper saidThat's something else too that's worth mentioning, I feel like if you're seen as "skinny, slim, scrawny", whatever you're forced to workout. And even though I run and jog, I look slim and skinny. I do think it's awesome that you've gained 30lbs for yourself, but I guess I feel like the little guy who doesn't want to change, but if I don't I'll never find someone who want a relationship. I don't get picked on or bullied, but like you mentioned also, if every male ignores me because I'm small, do I have to resort to doing something I hate for the rest of my life? Like everyone is saying, probably not, and I shall do what I please. I just hope I don't get ignored by everyone.

    But like you said, fuck what they think, if that does happen icon_biggrin.gif


    Being small has nothing to do with being ignored. There are many people in this world who absolutely adore small guys and never venture to go with anything else. I know I am not a huge guy but I prefer smaller guys. Always have. There is no end to the preferences of people from all over the globe.
    Would be awfully boring world if everyone had the same type don't ya think. You'll do well and you'll meet your Prince Charming one day I'm sure. Now smile someone may be watching! Hugs little guy!
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    Jan 20, 2011 6:27 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidMany gay men fall into this trap. It is unfortunate that this dynamic exists in the gay community. But gay men are very visual and looks are highly valued. With that being said, I do not need a muscle guy to date. I am not attracted to out of shape and flabby guys. But a guy with a thin well proportioned body is great.

    A lot of gay men do things to please others like make their body look good so that they can find a mate. I think it is natural to want to look your best but if you do not like being athletic than you really doing yourself a disservice.

    As a personal trainer I got sick of working with people who really did not like working out. I told/tell them I do not want to work with them. I suggest they find a sport that they like and do something that they think is fun.

    For me, working out is a lot of fun. My initial reasons for wanting to workout stem from childhood. I hated getting picked on by bullies. Then I realized how much I liked it and stuck with it for over twenty years.


    You always write the best of posts "Much" and I always look forward to your stuff. Another great one ma man! Keep 'em comin'. You're a Great inspiration for all of us.

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    Jan 20, 2011 6:35 AM GMT
    cold said
    Celticmusl saidI know very few gay men that are into heavy weight lifting. I know a very few who actually stick to a schedule to work out. Most I know drink heavily and eat whatever they want. Quite a few of them smoke.

    Most of these guys are far more successful than myself at finding a guy and being in a relationship. They tend to find a guy that smokes, drinks, and can drop whatever they're doing to go to a party or event. By the time one of my friends tell me they'll be at an event, etc, it's too late because I'm either on my way to the gym or working out(this has happened to me the only two times in the last month that I've been invited out).

    To me, the type of world you describe sounds like nirvana. Where guys actually work out and know about healthy living. Where once in awhile I could meet a guy that wouldn't visibly cringe when they find out I'm a vegetarian and ignorantly argue with me that it is an unhealthy diet.

    I know a few very well built and muscular guys that are in their fifties and they look great. But they are perpetually single. I thought this was because they wanted to be single but I've been finding that's not the case. It just seems they can't find anyone in their age group that can keep up with them. They seem to date a lot, but younger guys and it never ends up in a relationship. They drink modestly or not at all when they go out and most think they are stuck up just because they are reserved and don't get trashed every weekend like the rest of the bar. I stand with them at the bar just chatting and watching all the festivities while the only people that come up and talk with us are straight women.

    I dunno, maybe it's my location.....Ohio.....ughh.... But I just don't know too many gay guys that work out much. If it doesn't work out for you in ny, move to cleveland, lol.



    Well that was a shining beacon of advice... icon_eek.gif


    Yes it was a nice read. I thought so too. Some good stuff here.
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    Jan 20, 2011 6:39 AM GMT
    Chomper saidThat is a good point too, there are tons of straight males in all different sizes who have loving wives. And I hope there are tons of gay males in all different sizes who find somebody to love. I dont want the hottest piece of ass alive, I just want one guy. From what I hear or read, all skinny guys want muscular guys, all average guys want muscle, all heavy guys want muscle, and all jocks wants muscle. And while all those guys gets partners with a muscle guy, where does that leave the slim guy like me? I'm gonna just keep living life for me and see what happens regardless.


    If you have Blue Eyes you want Brown ones. If you have Blond hair you wanna be a brunette. If you're fat you wanna be skinny. People are never satisfied.
    Bald men want everyone to be blind. -Rita Rudner.

    Thought I'd say that. It just came to mind. ...and yes it's a Joke..It's just a Joke.
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    Jan 20, 2011 6:46 AM GMT
    Gyms are gross.. breading ground for bacteria.
    If Im not required to goto one for practice I dont and havent gone to one. I like the outdoors more. Every tried running through snow? Its pretty intense.