I like my mother--is that too gay?

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    Jun 18, 2007 8:05 PM GMT
    My mother is coming back to live in my apartment after several weeks of rehab. I've decided the best way to handle her eldercare is to take care of her myself. Plus, and here's the kicker, I like her. I enjoy having her around.

    Why is that a gay problem? I have been told that the reason I'm gay is because I'm too close to my mother. I've always been close to my mother, and everyone has told me it's wrong. Reparative therapy told me I had to break with my mother and identify with my father (who abandoned us, by the way) in order to become straight.

    In choosing to come out and accept my homosexuality, I realize that there is no pressing reason to break my emotional bond with my mother. But I worry--what's the next step? Having her stuffed and put in the basement with a single swaying light bulb above her head? I mean, that's ridiculous--I don't have a basement.

    It seems to me to be such a gay stereotype to like your mother. Have I taken it too far? Have I crossed the line into creepy? Do you think it would put a damper on my sex life to have to say, "Not so loud--Mother is still awake"?

    Do you find it common for gays to be close to their mothers? Do a lot of gays take care of their mothers?
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    Jun 18, 2007 9:11 PM GMT
    skjpm.........you seem like a very nice guy.....and taking care of your mother when she needs you the most is a very admirable thing to do. If only more people took care of their elders when the time comes.


    I've noticed that in your situation (coming out, etc) you've a lot of questions.

    Not everything in life has a "gay twist" to it. Enjoy life......live every day like it were your last.......and stop questioning every move you make "is this gay", "is this not gay enough" etc.

    Maybe I can't relate to some of your questions because I've never had an issue with who I am or how my life relates to the "gay scene".

    Once again, kudos for being a responsible adult in caring for your mother.
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    Jun 18, 2007 9:12 PM GMT
    Norman Bates loved his mother.
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    Jun 18, 2007 9:45 PM GMT
    If you are in a situation and have the means to take care of her by all means. And if you like her even better -- there are plenty of elderly who do not have that and are abused by their caregivers.
    People have all sorts of weird ideas of what 'causes' homosexuality, but little proof for anything. You can be very thankful you have a close relationship with your mother as there are plenty of people who do not. I agree with freaky1: why is it gay to be close to your mother? Why are there so many stereotypes of the mother/daughter-in-law relationship if not that people assume a special relationship between mother and son.
    Why would anyone not, either gay or straight, not want to be close to their mother? To me the reverse would seem abnormal, again for either sex or sexual orientation, to be distant from ones mother.
    If you love your mother and love being around her than I don't think you will ever regret taking care of her. And honestly it takes more balls than most people have to take care of an ageing and or dying loved one.
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    Jun 18, 2007 9:47 PM GMT
    I do not think it is creepy as long as it is not sexualy. Most people like thier mother. Most people like their father. It is just a way of life to like your parents.
  • GQjock

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    Jun 18, 2007 10:18 PM GMT
    What's with the "too" gay???
    Your mother's going thru rehab...
    whatif you were more str8 you'd boot her out on the street?
    Since when was gayness and family responsibility one in the same?
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    Jun 18, 2007 10:22 PM GMT
    You have any idea how many straight guys live with their moms and wives? All things considered, consider yourself lucky. This will have no impact on your sex life.
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    Jun 18, 2007 10:43 PM GMT
    I love both my parents and get alone with them. If something ever happened to my dad, my mother told me she was moving in, so there it goes! My parents have told me that of all of us (meaning my brothers who are married with children) I live the most normal life.
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    Jun 18, 2007 10:58 PM GMT
    Jackal loves Mamma Jackal but doesn't know if he needs her living with him any time soon! LOL! That's commendable of you and I'm sure she's grateful.

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    Jun 18, 2007 11:14 PM GMT
    Funny.... my mom left my dad after 36 years recently. She came out to Vancouver for a while. I had good intentions, but things didn't work out very well.

    My advice: take care of your mom, but make sure you take of yourself, too. Don't let caring for your mom turn into an excuse... "I'm sorry, I can't do I have to take care of my mom."

    As an aisde if any of you know how I can get in touch with one of those abusive caregivers or overenthusiastic taxidermists, drop me a line willya? I'd like to hire them for a little job....
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    Jun 18, 2007 11:42 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the insight and support.

    Even before I began reparative therapy, I was always told that the reason I was gay was because I was too close to my mother. My parents were divorced when I was a baby, and I only saw my father on a few occasions, never for more than a couple of hours. I didn't have anyone else to be close to.

    So, I've always liked my mother, but I've always felt guilty about it. If I could somehow stop liking my mother, I could stop being gay. This decision to accept my homosexuality involves accepting the fact that I like my mother and enjoy having her around.

    There are times when I just can't avoid the gay stereotype.
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    Jun 19, 2007 12:18 AM GMT
    You must know that blaming homosexuality on an unresolved Oedipus Complex, in which the son remains over-identified with the mother, has been abandoned by all but crackpots like the reparative therapists for years.

    As I said on another thread: The narrative originated with Freud, as pure speculation. He later said homosexuality could as easily be over-identification with the father, but the psychoanalytical academy, true to the culture's misogyny, ignored both Freud's own indifference to homosexuality and its causes.

    Your own "guilt" about attachment to your mother is paltry compared to the guilt psychology foisted on mothers by blaming them for homosexuality, which it pathologized in part because of its misogynistic association of the gay male with the mother's gender.

    It's still mysterious to me that you would conclude that you were supposed to stop liking your mother. Even among psychonalysts, the idea was to end the "romance" with the mother, not one's relationship.

    Any psychologist's question at this point would be why you still entertain, as a means of stereotyping yourself and stimulating guilt, a narrative debunked as fiction by the very man who postulated it and is only advocated at this point by people who pathologize your sexuality.

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    Jun 19, 2007 12:53 AM GMT
    I have noticed that a lot of gay men are close to their mothers. But the theory that it actually CAUSES homosexuality is discredited by the fact that a LOT of straight men are also close to thier mothers and have absent or less-involved fathers.
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    Jun 19, 2007 2:20 AM GMT
    Of course you are close to your mother, most people are. She cares for you and loves you unconditionally, because you are always her child. That is what my mother told me when i came out, and I am pretty sure that is the truth for most people. There are exceptions. It is honorable to care for her, and I wish you both the best of luck.
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    Jun 19, 2007 2:37 AM GMT
    I think my mother initially felt guilty for causing my gayness since she had been told, she said, that if she didn't remarry and provide me with a father, that's what would happen. She didn't remarry.

    Reparative therapy is based on that exact theory which you say has been debunked, and now, in my 40s, I agree it's crap. But it is the paradigm most gay Christians work with, and it was the paradigm I lived with for over 20 years. Read any of James Dobson's books on the causes of homosexuality (keep a bucket nearby, though, and don't eat for a few hours before starting the book). You'll find the weak father/possessive mother model as the source of all evil. When I became a Christian, and I began discussing my "sinful" feelings, I was told they were caused by my mother.

    Now that I have left fundamentalism for the Episcopal church, and I have quit reparative therapy, one of the things I have to do is get this paradigm out of my system--even more so now, since my mother is elderly and needs help.

    The fact that I'm gay and like (not just love) my mother doesn't make me Norman Bates. But I've always been afraid that there was something deeply wrong with me. Now, I'm learning to let that go. Which is sad, really--all those years of taxidermy lessons wasted! :)
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    Jun 19, 2007 2:42 AM GMT
    My mother is my best friend!!

    Skipm, it's sweet and admirable of you to take
    care of your mother, simply amazing!
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    Jun 19, 2007 2:42 AM GMT
    "...Why is that a gay problem?..."

    It's not. So perhaps the question should be, why do you pose that question. I don't believe that anyone says that being close to your mom is a "gay problem."

    I think it's admirable that you want to take care of her.

    "...Reparative therapy told me I had to break with my mother...:

    You mean a therapy designed to make you "straight"? And, though you have gotten past that to admitting that you are gay, why on earth would you worry about an observation made by a fallacious procedure, that has been debunked, and also, is abusive? Or was that argument by "authority"...someone was yelling at you, remonstrating you, so you believed him/her?

    No way...skjpm. If you like your mom, and want to take care of her, in your house, go for it. Tell anyone who disagrees with your motives or characterizes your motives as consistent with the "Gay Prototype" run as fast as you can from them.

    Once again, at the risk of hearing highsierrahiker criticize me for being on an ivory tower....you start with, in my opinion, unproven, wrong assumptions and then try to worry about behavior based upon them.

    Be loving to your mom. That's great.
  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    Jun 19, 2007 5:14 AM GMT
    DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

    My mom has been divorced twice and never plans to marry again. We tell each other everything and are the best of friends.

    My mother will tell you she will never get married again and she would never be able to live with my brother or sister and I'm the only one she tells anything and everything.
    ie.. She's 58 looks 40something and dates a guy that's my age or a year younger. lol

    My brother even wonders how I ended up being the sane one in the family. Well, this sane one loves his mother and claims her as one of his best friends.

    WE EVEN TALK ABOUT SEX!! My mother has actually updated me on a few things about gay vs. bi / bottom/top mentality..... and even though my mother is straight herself, she's the one with gaydar.... why she didn't pass the gene on to the one that needed it I will never know.

    God knows I need it!! LOL

    --LANCE
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    Jun 19, 2007 6:01 AM GMT
    Absolutely agree with Obscenwish and Fastprof!

    Your problem is NOT your bond with your mother. Your problem is not that you are gay.

    Your problem is the therapist you are seeking advise from. He or she is a irresponsible, incompetent, unethical, unprofessional manipulator and voodoo artist.

    This therapist is NOT helping you, but making you feel worse about yourself, breaking your relationships with family, sabotaging your relationship and acceptance with yourself, making a good thing (your bond with your mother) and a normal thing (like your homosexuality) into UNPROVEn pathologies and NON EXISTANT causes of your problems. Your problem is to accpet yourself, not to blame it on yourself or your bond with close family members.

    This therapist should get his/her liscene revoked. He or she is making you a less adjusted and more confused and also a more unaccepting person. That is not therapy, that is poison!
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    Jun 19, 2007 6:12 AM GMT
    And a word about "Reparative Therapy" that most gay Christians work with.

    It has proven over and over again, such as the Exodus programs, by ex memebers that this is all crap and does NOT work. It cannot turn you straight. It can only encourage changing your behavior to deny your true sexual orientation, and these methods of denial will only provide life time misery. It can turn you into a guilt ridden homosexual who is either practicing abstinence, or a closeted homosexual living a lie, being with women while fantasizing about men, or secretly have sexual affairs with men on the side. It does not change your sexual orientation, it does NOT turn you straight. Look at that TV evangelist pretending to be straigth with a wife while hiring male prostitutes and use meth, then again calim he is cure... Why would anyone choose to live a life of lies and creat internal and external (to your loved ones, so called wife, and fmaily) constant turmoil and misery? This is no different from how a heroin addict treats himself and his family: everyone is in misery when you live a lie.

    Preparative Therapy: Do more harm than good.
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    Jun 19, 2007 6:29 AM GMT
    And sorry, I am so discusted at your therapist!

    HOW DARE they tell your mother caused you to be gay and made her feel guilty??!!!

    ABSOLUTELY DISPICABLE!!!!

    That poor woman, having to be made feeling this way for doing what she knew as a loving mother. This is like a witch hunt!

    How dare they, destorying lives, creating misery and guilt while there was absolutely no need or cause for, and making someone, anyone, feeling guilt for something that is not even bad! I dont' usualy curse, but if someone like that EVER tell my mom this bull crap, I would told them loud and clear for everyone to hear to F##K OFF!!!

    I am so disgusted!
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    Jun 19, 2007 7:01 AM GMT
    I don't know who "Reparative therapy" is, but if he told me to disrespect Mom I would do a Linda Blair and throw his ass out the window! Then again maybe I would make his head spin and then throw him out the window .. let me think about it .. O'course NYCmusc might beat me too it lol

    I have repeated many times and agreed with my brother and sister, MOM will always have a decent place to live even if it is to be with one of us. Of course my MOM (retired senior citizen) is doing very well but if she ever needs special handling we will make it happen in the best possible way. Just make the best accommodations you can for your MOM.

    BTW, yeah keep her away from basements with swaying lights. Next thing you know she will be calling you Norman and we know where that leads. (just kidding)
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    Jun 19, 2007 11:45 AM GMT
    I think its a great thing you want to take care of your mother, and since you have more than once alluded that you currently have no sex life, I doubt it will put a damper on your masturbating, additionally if you find a guy you want to have sex with a good first option is lets go to your place
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    Jun 19, 2007 11:49 AM GMT
    Hey at least you do...take care of her if you love her.
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    Jun 19, 2007 1:20 PM GMT
    FWIW, I'm not in reparative therapy anymore. A large part of my coming out process is accepting the fact that I'm not going to turn straight any time soon! :) Along with accepting being gay, I'm going back and accepting other parts of myself that I felt I had to reject--such as my relationship with my mother (which I never entirely rejected, but which had a lot of unnecessary tension due to the fact I was told it was wrong).

    My gay journey moves from high school where I was given a vision of the gay life from my gay-prostitute-drug-addict-alcoholic-wicca best friend which came straight out of John Rechy's Numbers. I rejected that and became a fundamentalist Christian, where I was told the whole reparative therapy thing. I am now, 25 years later, into self-acceptance. I hope that works better than either of the first two paradigms.