What sacrifices or adjustments do you make for your man?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2011 12:48 AM GMT
    This is prompted by our just having watched the US TV game show Wheel of Fortune. Now I absolutely hate TV game shows, and this one in particular, but he's addicted to it.

    So I put aside my personal feelings to make him happy. When it comes on at 7 PM EST I join him, and play along in guessing the puzzles with him. I also sit through some rather dreadful TV series shows with him, because he likes them.

    Well, yah know, they won't kill me. It's more important that I share these moments with him, than worry about what I like or don't like. Long ago I learned that a partnership is more about HIM, and less about ME. And don't worry, he takes care of me, too.

    So what do you do for your own man, that's maybe kinda difficult, that you still do out of love? When you forget about yourself, and give the priority to him?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Jan 19, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    TRYING to stay up late to accomondate his 7pm to 7am job. he's wide awake and horny at 4 or 5 am, i'm Fading Fast.

    tolerating (barely) his cigarette smoking. icon_sad.gif

    biting my tongue to silence my comments/criticism of his ex-wife.

    i'm shurrrrr he has his sacrifices for me.















    P.S. i also abhor "wheel of fortune". my father loved that moronic show, the last memories i have of him was sitting in the den with him, pretending to watch that show, instead watching him go visibly downhill day by day. icon_cry.gif
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    Jan 19, 2011 1:14 AM GMT
    rnch saidTRYING to stay up late to accomondate his 7pm to 7am job. he's wide awake and horny at 4 or 5 am, i'm Fading Fast.

    tolerating (barely) his cigarette smoking. icon_sad.gif

    biting my tongue to silence my comments/criticism of his ex-wife.

    i'm shurrrrr he has his sacrifices for me.

    P.S. i also abhor "wheel of fortune". my father loved that moronic show, the last memories i have of him was sitting in the den with him, pretending to watch that show, instead watching him go visibly downhill day by day. icon_cry.gif

    Part of being a good partner (or a son or whatever) is realizing that others are probably putting up with US as much as we imagine we're doing with them.

    But make no mistake -- I'm no wimpy carpet that everybody gets to walk all over. Gawd knows that ain't ever gonna happen!

    Yet I've also learned, through painful trial & error, that this world isn't all about ME. And by letting go, I've found I'm letting people IN, to share my life with me. I'm a helluva lot happier this way, even if I do have to watch Vanna White turning over letters. My pleasure derives from my man, not from me. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 19, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    OMG, he & I just discussed this a moment ago! He was on the phone with his sister, and after he hung up we got onto the topic of what we do to accommodate other people (his sister requires a lot of accommodation). And I mentioned my making this thread. He took it pretty well. No real surprise, the guy he is.

    And I do tell him how little interest I have in Wheel of Fortune, even as I lie next to him in bed watching it, trying to solve the puzzles with him, and commenting about it. To my mind, my focus is HIM, not some stupid TV game show. When you can make these distinctions with your own man, issues like what to watch or do become rather secondary.
  • Smiling_Eyes

    Posts: 197

    Jan 19, 2011 4:17 AM GMT
    Thought provoking thread! I think we each make many accommodations for each other. My husband and I have made one major accommodation for each other. I'm a city person and for several reasons to do with my husband I agreed to live in the suburbs (Oakville, Ontario about 35 -45 minutes outside Toronto). He wants to be a dad. For a while I thought that he could want it enough for both of us but then I changed my mind after we had almost completed the adoption process. Ultimately, I don't want kids and he's learned to make peace with that.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:21 AM GMT
    Not even one single sacrifice -- I have no man.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:42 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said, "So what do you do for your own man, that's maybe kinda difficult, that you still do out of love? When you forget about yourself, and give the priority to him?"

    I forget about how I see it and experience things through the lens of Bill.
    Too
    cool.
    -Doug
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:45 AM GMT
    Tennisjock70 saidThought provoking thread! I think we each make many accommodations for each other. My husband and I have made one major accommodation for each other. I'm a city person and for several reasons to do with my husband I agreed to live in the suburbs (Oakville, Ontario about 35 -45 minutes outside Toronto). He wants to be a dad. For a while I thought that he could want it enough for both of us but then I changed my mind after we had almost completed the adoption process. Ultimately, I don't want kids and he's learned to make peace with that.

    Interesting. Reminds me of a BF I once had, with whom I was living. He hadn't told me he had submitted his name to be a foster father, that he also wanted to be a Dad. Except, in that state, a child couldn't be placed into a home where 2 unmarried adults are living.

    So one day he tells me a state social worker is arriving tomorrow, to ascertain that he meets these criteria. And I have to be gone. WTF??? You told me nothing about this, and I'm being booted like RIGHT NOW?

    "Well, I've been thinking about this for a long time." Well not with ME you haven't! Where the fuck am I supposed to go in 24 hours? Don't *I* count in this? Evidently not.

    I could have derailed this whole thing, because the state agency didn't know he was gay, which their regulations didn't allow for foster parents. But then a needy child would have stayed in some barracks where they warehouse these kids. Nice choice I had.

    I knew he was renovating the house next door that he owned, and I told him I'd move over there, even though it had no heat or water. He resisted at first, but I told him I had no alternative, nor did he, having created this problem. I stayed there about 3 months before I found something else for myself. Needless to say, we stopped being BFs, and that's when I met my first partner. Kinda worked out in the end. It always does for me.
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Jan 19, 2011 4:52 AM GMT
    i dont necessarly make so much adjustments or sacrafices, i only do what is necassary to make the relationship last, and make it worth for both parties, thats why i love compromising.
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:54 AM GMT
    needleninja saidi dont necessarly make so much adjustments or sacrafices, i only do what is necassary to make the relationship last, and make it worth for both parties, thats why i love compromising.

    Good. When you realize it's not all about YOU, but about US, the answer is always obvious, and easy.
  • broadwayboy

    Posts: 24

    Jan 19, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    my bf is reaaallly stubborn, so i feel like I'm always the one to have to apologize after an argument and he doesn't own up to anything... thats the only "adjustment" i make, but I dont really sacrifice anything.
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    Jan 19, 2011 7:32 AM GMT
    Every time I adjusted to somebody I've been taken advantage of. Ain't nobody changing me no more...
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jan 19, 2011 7:58 AM GMT
    i bottom - a lot, at first was a massive sacrifice now i love it so doesnt bother me at all ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2011 8:18 AM GMT
    Let my pride down for him, and he for me.
    it works out good icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 19, 2011 8:24 AM GMT
    I am good.
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    Jan 19, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    broadwayboy saidmy bf is reaaallly stubborn, so i feel like I'm always the one to have to apologize after an argument and he doesn't own up to anything... thats the only "adjustment" i make, but I dont really sacrifice anything.

    And also BuckYou posted next:

    "Every time I adjusted to somebody I've been taken advantage of. Ain't nobody changing me no more..."

    As I also wrote above, I'm no wimpy carpet myself. Gawd help the guy who thinks he can take advantage of me, or change me in ways I don't want. Guide me, perhaps, and enlighten me, help me to improve which I can always use, but don't take control of me.

    So yeah, good points. There's a difference in a relationship between give-and-take, and take-and-take. Some guys are totally selfish & self-centered like that, and if you find yourself paired with one, I'd say cut your loses and scram.

    At the same time, I hoped some guys reading this would recognize themselves as the partner who doesn't sacrifice or adjust, but maybe should. And to realize that a little accommodation is normal, and a mark of love, putting the "US" before the "ME" in a relationship. It shouldn't be all about "HIM" either, but it must always be about "US."

    As meninlove/Doug said it, as always far more succinctly than me:

    "I forget about how I see it and experience things through the lens of Bill."

    When you can each put yourself in your partner's shoes (or see through his lens as Doug puts it) then you're really on your way to a lasting relationship. Remember, you're a team now, not competitors, nor really even totally individuals anymore. If you wanted individualism you should have remained single and just had tricks. Every last gay & lesbian couple I know with some time together, upwards of 20 years and even 40+, are like that.

    They'll each retain their individual personalities, but I also know I'm dealing with a team, with shared team interests and team goals. I rather like that.
  • tommyboi

    Posts: 64

    Jan 19, 2011 2:41 PM GMT
    Well I love my bf to pieces but have sacrificed my kinky sex life to be with him. Before I met him I was very active in the London fetish scene, regularly going to sex clubs and fetish events. Really enjoyed these events and consider myself fairly kinky.

    Then I met him and he turned my world around (in a good way). I have never felt like I do with him with anyone before and am totally in love with him. My only problem is that he is very vanilla and does not like penetrative sex, either way. Now I always have been a major bottom so this was very disappointing. I love him but have given up part of a sex life which I do miss but for the moment at least its worth the sacrifice
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:43 PM GMT
    tommyboi saidWell I love my bf to pieces but have sacrificed my kinky sex life to be with him. Before I met him I was very active in the London fetish scene, regularly going to sex clubs and fetish events. Really enjoyed these events and consider myself fairly kinky.

    Then I met him and he turned my world around (in a good way). I have never felt like I do with him with anyone before and am totally in love with him. My only problem is that he is very vanilla and does not like penetrative sex, either way. Now I always have been a major bottom so this was very disappointing. I love him but have given up part of a sex life which I do miss but for the moment at least its worth the sacrifice



    ...do you think he may sacrifice some of his vanilla for you? icon_wink.gif

    There can be a huge plus to this - he gets you focused on the more emotional aspects of love ("he turned my world around in a good way"); you get him a little more focused on the wild experimental side that he can be comfortable with in the security of it being with you. It takes time, sometimes lots of it.

    -Doug
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Jan 19, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    Excuse me if I'm wrong, but judging by the responses on this forum, it seems like the older you get, the more you realize that sacrifices are necessary, is that correct?
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    Jan 19, 2011 5:38 PM GMT
    ohioguy12 saidExcuse me if I'm wrong, but judging by the responses on this forum, it seems like the older you get, the more you realize that sacrifices are necessary, is that correct?

    Interesting observation & question, and I dunno. Seems to me accommodations within a relationship should happen at any age, but whether older guys realize this better, I can't say.

    If this is true, perhaps experience teaches us lessons, or that wisdom comes with age? Or put another way, if you fuck-up long enough, you finally learn how to get it right? LOL!

    BTW, here's something I gave up for my current partner: bathhouses. And gay resorts where I've been before when single, that he thinks are just bathhouses with rooms. I'd love to go back to them, and with him, of course, but he won't consider it, even though he ought to know by now that I won't fuck around. OK, that's outside his comfort level, so I don't do that.

    My late partner didn't like me viewing any gay porn on my computer. Gay social sites were OK, and I'd let him look over my shoulder at anything I was viewing or posting, the same being true with my current partner. I don't have secrets from my man.

    But my late partner would go ballistic if he saw me looking at a nude guy on my computer. Perhaps insecurity on his part, I dunno, he needn't have been. I'm a 1-guy man, my eye really doesn't wander. But I do admire eye-candy, as does my current partner, and we have no problem with either of us looking at that stuff.

    But my late partner did have a problem, so OK, I didn't do that. I had a real man living with me and sleeping right in my bed, so it wasn't like I was being seriously deprived. So I made that adjustment, that sacrifice if you will, and it wasn't all that difficult.

    Remember, if you make that commitment, it's no longer all about you, nor all about him, but all about US. Understand that, and all these things fall right into place.
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Jan 19, 2011 5:46 PM GMT
    ^^ Hey I enjoyed reading that, I haven't had a serious bf yet, but that is interesting to know for if I ever do find a man.
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    Jan 19, 2011 7:16 PM GMT
    I like this thread!
    I agree, OP, that making sacrifices/accommodations/adjustment/compromises (all the same things but to different extents) allows a relationship to thrive, so as long as it isn't completely ONE sided.
    Granted I've "only" been in two relationships, I have always been one to adjust and/or compromise for the success of the relationship, more so than my ex's. But it does make it that much harder when the relationship fails and you put so much of your energy/emotions and LIFE toward this person and they leave saying, "You were the best boyfriend I could ask for" or "You're too good for me" or "I don't deserve you" or bullshit like "It's not you, it's me" crap. ARGH! lol icon_sad.gif
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Jan 19, 2011 7:23 PM GMT
    Wow, we just got into a pretty serious talk about this yesterday.

    I told him I deserve SOMETHING for sitting through the Golden Globes and Glee without making a peep.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 19, 2011 7:29 PM GMT
    Wow, "Wheel of Fortune".. I remember Anthony Robbins (the life changing "guru" called "Wheel" (and I'm paraphrasing) "one of the most
    wasteful ways to spend your time"... I've never really watched much of it, so I have no personal opinion.

    To answer the question... every decision I make regarding our home, he has a say. Now most of you know my partner and I live 100 miles apart, but for our purposes, my house is "our house" and I take his opinion into account.
    That can be challenging (especially when we have a disagreement), but I try and make it a decision that reflects both of us.

    Another thing.. when he is down for the weekend, I alter my schedule, including my gym time to accomodate him. He should, after all, be the priority (aside from work). We don't have many issues with it.