To tell your family that your bi. Is it worth saying anything at all if you could swing back the other way for good?

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    Jan 19, 2011 10:59 AM GMT
    Im a bi guy, 50-50! Love girls and LOVE guys, but being 25 and not having a girlfriend for a few years my parents and family are starting to ask why. They are pretty traditional, dont think that they would react well and I'm not sure if I should tell them. The real problem is that I still don't know which way i'll swing, but I dont think I could give up either! HELP!!!
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    Jan 19, 2011 11:30 AM GMT
    This is a good question! I'm similar to you although I can't ascribe a ratio to my attractions. However, I used to be way more attracted to women on the whole...now that attraction has wavered and I'm more into guys. With that said, once I realized I was probably bisexual, I told my dad, who's my best friend. He didn't care, mentioned something about how it runs in the family (it does), and was just like "you have to figure out what makes you happy. Fuck the rest."

    I'm not claiming that it'll be that easy for you, but it made me feel much better. There's a chance you could meet a girl, get married, have kids, and the topic could seem moot. There's also a chance that you'll meet an amazing guy and do the same thing...and for me, it's everything that my dad knows who I am and accepts.

    With that said, I probably won't tell the rest of my family until/if I start dating a guy. The rest are on a need-to-know basis. Maybe you could do the same...find a family member you trust and confide in him or her.

    Good luck!!
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    Jan 19, 2011 12:03 PM GMT
    closer85 saidThis is a good question! I'm similar to you although I can't ascribe a ratio to my attractions. However, I used to be way more attracted to women on the whole...now that attraction has wavered and I'm more into guys. With that said, once I realized I was probably bisexual, I told my dad, who's my best friend. He didn't care, mentioned something about how it runs in the family (it does), and was just like "you have to figure out what makes you happy. Fuck the rest."

    I'm not claiming that it'll be that easy for you, but it made me feel much better. There's a chance you could meet a girl, get married, have kids, and the topic could seem moot. There's also a chance that you'll meet an amazing guy and do the same thing...and for me, it's everything that my dad knows who I am and accepts.

    With that said, I probably won't tell the rest of my family until/if I start dating a guy. The rest are on a need-to-know basis. Maybe you could do the same...find a family member you trust and confide in him or her.

    Good luck!!


    Your dad sounds awesome.

    I'm pretty much in the same boat...Used to be more girl orientated, now male. I think sexuality can be a lot more complicated and fluid than most people think, so putting ourself in a box can be a bit counter-productive if in the future our tastes change more than we imagine...

    Still, even though I can appreciate a sexy woman, men on the whole are much more exciting and appealing to me both physically and emotionally, so I know it would probably be less of a mouthfull to say all this when answering somebody about my sexuality to just say 'gay/homo', as it is closest to the truth, in my case.
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    Jan 19, 2011 12:12 PM GMT
    Why bother?

    I've never understood the 'plight' of bi men and women. If you are capable of choosing, then pick a gender and stick with it. Don't put your family through unnecessary drama while you play the field. It isn't always about you.

    And since you can't give up either gender, I recommend that you tell your future relationship partners that you're bi so that they have the ability to choose whether or not to waste their time with you and, more importantly, so that they know to always be protected.
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    Jan 19, 2011 12:25 PM GMT
    RiverRising saidWhy bother?

    I've never understood the 'plight' of bi men and women. If you are capable of choosing, then pick a gender and stick with it. Don't put your family through unnecessary drama while you play the field. It isn't always about you.

    And since you can't give up either gender, I recommend that you tell your future relationship partners that you're bi so that they have the ability to choose whether or not to waste their time with you and, more importantly, so that they know to always be protected.


    What if said bisexual goes through phases/years/relationships of just being attracted to one particular sex, or one particular person in whichever sex, but this changes over time, and back and forth, in fluid, cyclical patterns of sexual attraction?


    Yes one shoould warn partners of this type of sexuality before committing to them. But not many people who feel like this will know how they will feel in the future re their sexuality and are being cautious as to how they label themselves to the world for this reason.


    It's not always so cut-and-dry.
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    Jan 19, 2011 12:42 PM GMT
    Thanks for the comments guys, you all made some really good points.

    Sage, you hit the nail on the head when saying its not always so cut and dry. I wish that i was either just gay or straight, being bi sux. I hate it when people say things like " your just being greedy" or " just pick a side" because it's not that easy.

    I really want to settle down into a relationship but i am scared of hurting people and future partners both guys and girls.

    On the guy side of things, I do find it more exciting being with men and I feel more comfortable, and over the last 2-3 years I have been with more guys than girls. But with girls, I find them so sexual attractive and automatically when im out clubbing or somewhere social I find myself chatting or trying to pick them up first. I don't know if this is because I'm use to it, or I feel that this is what I should be doing?

    Being bi is really lonely, I havent had a proper relationship since my late teens.

    I always tell whoever I met straight away, because your right, they do have the right to know.
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    Jan 19, 2011 12:54 PM GMT
    I agree with your post, 100%. However, if a 20-something-year-old man or woman identifies as bisexual, it's safe to assume he/she isn't in a state of picking and choosing. The first two posters in this particular thread are clearly experimenting, which is fine. However, why bring your family into it? I suggest: 1) keeping your mouths shut until you know who and what you are; 2) make sure you wear condoms (includes those of all sexual orientations); and 3) make sure any long-term sexual partners know about your bisexuality.

    And I am disturbed by the response from closer85's father. "Fuck the rest," isn't the guidance I'd be looking for from a father figure. Of course, it's an appropriate reply for a young man who purportedly works in the financial services sector (gotta love those sociopathic tendencies - they, too, run in the family), but it's not sound advice for anyone of integrity.
  • Karnage

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    Jan 19, 2011 1:38 PM GMT
    RiverRising saidI agree with your post, 100%. However, if a 20-something-year-old man or woman identifies as bisexual, it's safe to assume he/she isn't in a state of picking and choosing. The first two posters in this particular thread are clearly experimenting, which is fine. However, why bring your family into it? I suggest: 1) keeping your mouths shut until you know who and what you are; 2) make sure you wear condoms (includes those of all sexual orientations); and 3) make sure any long-term sexual partners know about your bisexuality.

    And I am disturbed by the response from closer85's father. "Fuck the rest," isn't the guidance I'd be looking for from a father figure. Of course, it's an appropriate reply for a young man who purportedly works in the financial services sector (gotta love those sociopathic tendencies - they, too, run in the family), but it's not sound advice for anyone of integrity.


    Why don't you take your own advice and stfu
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    Jan 19, 2011 2:19 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidWhen I first came out (senior year of high school) I thought I was bisexual. My mother did not seem to mind much. Then six months later I say I was a full fledged flute player and she went into such a depression over it. Avoided me and did not talk to me for weeks. I was the youngest and the last one at home.

    She came around eventually.


    As the pretty accurate adage goes ''bi now, gay later'' right? I know it does seem like a good compromise for a lot of questioning/confused gaybies
  • coolarmydude

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    Jan 19, 2011 2:30 PM GMT
    Don't place happiness in the approval of others, even if they're family. Just say that a deserving person hasn't found you yet.
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:06 PM GMT
    Very sweetly tell any family asking about it that their sex lives are private, and so is yours.

    Bi is a very unigue thing, I think. Different from gay or straight in that you are more vulnerable to meddling by others.

    Example: if you tell them you're gay, there's not much they could meddle with by telling your bf you're gay. (D'oh)

    If you're bi, however, and date a girl or a guy, others could attempt to stick their oar in and spread seeds of doubt. Telling them you're bi and then having a bf may very well have them thinking you can be straight if you want to, even though love doesn't work that way. They also may think this is just a man phase and that you'll grow out of it.
    I can imagine things getting rather tense around family.


    -Doug
  • vacyclist

    Posts: 162

    Jan 19, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    For you youngsters in your 20's wondering about attractions to both men and women, it OK, go with your inclinations! For some (including myself) sexual orientation is fluid. We bi's have the best of both worlds, opportunities for close relationship & intimacy with twice as many people...Accept who you are & get on with it!

    Now in my 50's, I've enjoyed rich, long term relationships with both men and women (not necessarily simultaneously). I've gone through periods of years when I've been more into the female side, married, raised kids (one of whom is bi). In recent years I've swung back into the male sphere, for the past couple of years there's been both a man and a woman in my life...not exactly an perfect triangle yet, but we're headed in that direction. If I had it to do all over again I wouldn't change a thing. As I told my daughter recently, being bi is something to celebrate! The key is I'm authentic about who I am.

    This is not to say it's all been easy..unfortunately some of the most hateful attitude has come from a few in the gay community who, blind to their own intolerance, can't seem to accept the notion of a continuum of sexual orientation ranging from 100% "straight" to 100% "gay". I believe most people probably fall somewhere in between, but society dictates we choose a label and live with it. How unfortunate.

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    Jan 19, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    vacyclist saidFor you youngsters in your 20's wondering about attractions to both men and women, it OK, go with your inclinations! For some (including myself) sexual orientation is fluid. We bi's have the best of both worlds, opportunities for close relationship & intimacy with twice as many people...Accept who you are & get on with it!

    Now in my 50's, I've enjoyed rich, long term relationships with both men and women (not necessarily simultaneously). I've gone through periods of years when I've been more into the female side, married, raised kids (one of whom is bi). In recent years I've swung back into the male sphere, for the past couple of years there's been both a man and a woman in my life...not exactly an perfect triangle yet, but we're headed in that direction. If I had it to do all over again I wouldn't change a thing. As I told my daughter recently, being bi is something to celebrate! The key is I'm authentic about who I am.

    This is not to say it's all been easy..unfortunately some of the most hateful attitude has come from a few in the gay community who, blind to their own intolerance, can't seem to accept the notion of a continuum of sexual orientation ranging from 100% "straight" to 100% "gay". I believe most people probably fall somewhere in between, but society dictates we choose a label and live with it. How unfortunate.





    (sage slowly but surely nods head in accord with this.....somtimes, sage refers to himself in the third person.....love it)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    Um, just because you are with a girl doesn't mean you stop liking guys and thus dont become "straight".
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    Dazza12 saidThanks for the comments guys, you all made some really good points.

    Sage, you hit the nail on the head when saying its not always so cut and dry. I wish that i was either just gay or straight, being bi sux. I hate it when people say things like " your just being greedy" or " just pick a side" because it's not that easy.

    I really want to settle down into a relationship but i am scared of hurting people and future partners both guys and girls.

    On the guy side of things, I do find it more exciting being with men and I feel more comfortable, and over the last 2-3 years I have been with more guys than girls. But with girls, I find them so sexual attractive and automatically when im out clubbing or somewhere social I find myself chatting or trying to pick them up first. I don't know if this is because I'm use to it, or I feel that this is what I should be doing?

    Being bi is really lonely, I havent had a proper relationship since my late teens.

    I always tell whoever I met straight away, because your right, they do have the right to know.


    Your gay and need a fag hag.
  • BoostToChase

    Posts: 103

    Jan 19, 2011 3:27 PM GMT
    catfish5 said

    Your gay and need a fag hag.


    Haha, he may or may not be gay, but everyone needs a fag hag. Just think how much more civilized and polite society would be if people had an angry woman harp on and/or bitch slap them every time a person stepped out of line (or a hug whenever that person really really needed one).
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    mnboy saidUm, just because you are with a girl doesn't mean you stop liking guys and thus dont become "straight".



    Agreed, same with being with a man - it doesn't make you gay - you're still Bi, but in a gay relationship. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Jan 19, 2011 3:50 PM GMT
    Dude,

    I'm going thru the EXACT same situation bro, my mom, sister ,and one of my younger bro's knows, and have been debating on telling my Dad This week. My mom and sister advised against it when I came out to them and told them I had a BF(first guy I have ever attempted to date). I think he needs to know, we are really close and have a great relationship. I am just scared of telling my Dad because I wouldn't want him to internalize it and think it's something HE did wrong along the way. My parents recently divorced after 27 yrs, and he didn't take it so well emotionally. Plus my Dad is def very old school. I do know that even tho he may have a hard time with it at first being that I am his first born son, and he expects grand kids etc...He would still love me know matter what, he is a deeply compassionate guy.

    So, yeah...being bi is hard...people that aren't really don't understand. I myself am leaning more twds men as life pans out...It's just easier, less games, drama, and headache. I was dating a guy who was AWESOME, just like dating my best bud, we see eye to eye, never fight(on a serious level)and enjoying being together every chance we get. If I am going to be with any guy, I found him...If want to be with a woman, I can...but so much is excepted, and I am not one for living up to others expectations. I pave my own way, you should to buddy. As time goes on, this will all seem so trivial. You will figure it out, no need to rush it.
  • rnch

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    Jan 19, 2011 4:04 PM GMT
    catfish5 said
    ....Your gay and need a fag hag.





    agree! icon_idea.gif
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    Jan 19, 2011 4:07 PM GMT
    Hey man this is something that I'm going through right now too.
    I've only recently started trying to discover my sexuality and I do totally agree that being bi is lonely.

    I have also found that I've been attracted to guys more than girls, but then there will be this girl that I become attracted to and all the confusion settles in again.
    I haven't had any relationship because of this dilemma as I feel I'm inadequate at present to offer someone something serious, even though it's what I want also, because I fear I'll become an asshole and feel myself swing the other way.

    I too get a little envious of gay and straight people simply because they are sure of what they want, and I get frustrated at myself trying to understand how I didn't develop that.

    To tell you the truth, lately I've found myself being attracted to guys mostly but just today I started getting closer to one of my friends, I had a good deep and meaningful conversation with her and now I find myself becoming attracted to her. Insanity ensues once again.
    But it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one. If you ever manage to find out how to stick to one, please I beg you tell me how.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 19, 2011 4:18 PM GMT
    Dazza12 saidIm a bi guy, 50-50! Love girls and LOVE guys, but being 25 and not having a girlfriend for a few years my parents and family are starting to ask why. They are pretty traditional, dont think that they would react well and I'm not sure if I should tell them. The real problem is that I still don't know which way i'll swing, but I dont think I could give up either! HELP!!!


    I don't think it makes a difference which way you swing. When you fall in love with someone, that will be the person you are with. Doesn't mean you still won't be attracted to the other gender.

    If you are financially independent of them and want a relationship with them, tell them the truth.
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    Jan 19, 2011 5:07 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidDon't place happiness in the approval of others, even if they're family. Just say that a deserving person hasn't found you yet.


    Totally agree. Just tell them u hvn't found the right "person" u want to settle down with as yet.. If they ask what u mean by "person" and ur comfortable/close to them, tell them ur Bi and when/if the right one comes along u will know.
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    Jan 19, 2011 6:35 PM GMT
    It's always best to tell the truth. Keeping secrets about who you are really fucks things up. You have nothing to be ashamed of, so why keep it a secret? Relationships are where you experience so much growth, it would sad to not be able to share excitement or heartache with those who love you the most and can offer advice or share experiences. It's a long road ahead, and trust me, you'll want as little baggage as possible. Good luck, whatever you decide.
    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 19, 2011 6:52 PM GMT
    I was in the same boat. Haven't been in a relationship for awhile, then I met my ex and I was like "awesome, but I've liked your cousin longer than before we even met..." and I asked my mom if I should go through with the relationship. That's when I came out to her for the first time.

    So my advice to you is to is that they don't have to know that side of you just yet. Just like they don't have to know about that night that you got shitfaced and did something embarrassing at the pub. (not saying that it happened to you, but things may happen) I'd wait until you meet a guy, because if you tell them that you're bi and you go for a girl, then they may just get confused.

    I hope that helps.
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    Jan 19, 2011 7:11 PM GMT
    I say go ahead and tell your folks. By you telling them what you are into it helps give them an idea about who you and it stops them from thinking the worst or assuming. Let's face it. You said you come from a traditional family so when they see their son of 25 not being very traditional as far as courting goes they are bound to suspect something is up and thus they will secretly inquire.

    With that being said they are your family. If you you were straight would you feel the need to tell them? Probably not since it would be obvious in your activities and they would know. If you were gay would you feel the need to tell them? I would like to say yes just to get it over with and move on past it all. So the fact that you are bi shouldn't mean you be less informative with them.