Drugs and Relationships (A Follow-Up To My Post "When the "Perfect" Guy Vanishes)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2007 11:00 AM GMT
    Ok, so here's the deal: I have accepted that myself and Victor (the guy I spoke of in the "...Vanishes" posting) are 1000+ miles apart and that yeah it is up in the air, which I'm fine with. However, what I recently discovered has really brought things back full circle.

    So, today I was looking on some dating sites and came across his profile by chance actually. His profile now states, "USES DRUGS OFTEN". That totally shocked me. I began to have a number of ephiphanies. In my mind, I wanted to believe that these were false memories, but they really weren't at all.

    When I first spoke to him, I asked if he did drugs. He said no but he did mention how a few years back he did crystal and some other drugs, but was "over it". I thought nothing of it at the time because I wanted to believe him.

    However, when I was in NYC, I noticed how "out there" he was. I attributed it to him being an over the top extrovert, one that is on the complete end of the spectrum of introverts and extroverts.

    Being so intersted in Psychology (esp. Abnormal Psychology), I felt that he had ADHD if anything because things just didn't make sense.

    Then I recalled how he never slept and always seemed to never stop moving. It wasn't normal at all. I also recalled how in the night he'd leave me in his bedroom to go "take care of some stuff" and come back all excited and jumpy. God, I actually feel so bad when I think of what I didn't see, or didn't want to see.

    He has a friend who lives with him that he took in, an ex drug addict (so he said), thought I actually thought he was a drug user from the day I met him.

    On the exterior, he's this amazing guy that yes, did AMAZING things for me when I was there. However, I saw how his life was chaotic and very busy, but I never noticed these things.

    I even went as far as to speak to some of his friends, and they confirmed these things for me, my assumptions and ephiphanies.

    He probably wanted things to be perfect when I was there but they weren't. Were drugs a reason? Did that give him this false sense of perfection? I know I acted strange up there but I didn't do anything that was soo abnormal.

    So, I ask, have you been involved with someone who's a drug user? Now I'm very worried about him because I feel like I should do something. I want to help him. I'm in Dallas, he's in NYC. What do I do? Do I confront him? Ugh.


    PS-Let me make this clear: This in NO way is me trying to throw blame on him or fishing for a reason as to why things went the way they did. I want to help him before things get worse than they are. It's funny how romance can cloud your way of thinking.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2007 11:24 AM GMT
    You can't "save" this man. Let him go and do his own thing. Move on.

    And think yourself lucky that you haven't been drawn into his destructive life.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 19, 2007 12:22 PM GMT
    Brian, first off your concern seems genuine. But there is little you can do, esp from Dallas. I agree with Red, move on with your life. This guy has to bottom out or come very close to death before he realizes he needs help, for all you know he might be knowingly trying to destory himself for one reason or another. You shouldn't have to be your BF's drug counselor. I havn't had to deal with a guy strung out on drugs, if I saw that he was, I would walk away and not look back, now if it happened somewhere in the middle of the realtionship is a different story. But if it was the very begining, no question, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2007 12:28 PM GMT
    I think it's noble to want to save him, but I agree with redheadguy. You can't save him. You can only help him after he decides for himself that he wants out of his self-destructive habits.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2007 12:46 PM GMT
    He's not my bf lol. It just sucks. He pushed me away and this is exactly why.

    This is just like my first. He told me he was poz and thought I'd leave but I never did so he pushed me away too.

    Hmm..nothing I can do but I can't help that I wish I could do SOMETHING. This is shitty.

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    Jun 19, 2007 3:06 PM GMT
    My reply is the same as the one in your "Vanishing " post.

    Make your move to New York and your new carreer goals the focus in your life. Moving/starting a carreer is a huge endeavor. Like the other guys have said, you can't save this guy. To get off drugs, the user must first admit he/she has a problem. Then they have to want to quit.

    Also, you don't really know this guy. He could be in it a lot deeper than you think. With his upscale lifestyle, and all the things he treated you to while you were there, he could be selling. Not saying that he is, but you never know.

    Anyway, you have so much to do. Concentrate on getting yourself settled in NY.
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    Jun 19, 2007 4:05 PM GMT

    I have to agree with jorel1. It sounds like not only is this a guys he sounds like he's a big time DEALER. Especially if he was spending money like is pockets are very deep.

    What do you really know about this guy and why have you taken on the mission of saving him.

    You are going to do what ever yoou are going to regarding this guy. Because you are fixiated on him and that is not a good thing.

    You can not save him from himself. SAVE YOUR SELF! I have a brother who is addict. There is a diffrence than a casual recreational user than an addict and trust me you do not want that to be a part of your PAST, PRESENT, and or FUTURE.

    You really need to let this go. I thought the guy did a ghost????

    You appear to be conflicted still with not knowing the why?

    I would also caution you about going behind his back and asking his friends about him.

    You are not bf, or lovers that could back-fire on you in a big way.

    If yoou have questions it's best that you ask him, not his friends.

    You could be putting yourself in harms way dude.

    You need to let this one get away.

    We all sound like parrots, our language may be diffrent but we are saying the asame thing.

    Let it go!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2007 4:20 PM GMT
    I lived with a drug addict. I loved him passionately. We met just as he was starting to use drugs, so he went from occasional user to total addict during the course of our relationship.

    You can't save him. In fact if you try and do anything at all, you'll prolong the agony and make it workse. The more you're areound to pull his ass off the ledge, the harder he'll try and jump. You'll lose your whole life, and eventually all you'll do is exist to try and take care of him.

    Trust me dude, let him jump off the ledge. The best thing he could have done for you is push you away. It hurts now, but honey it hurts a WHOLE LOT LESS then what might have been.
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    Jun 19, 2007 4:33 PM GMT
    I'm going toadd one more thing to the general idea that you need to leave it alone. I used to date a heavy drug user and he too gave me the whole spin that he was over that phase of his life etcetera. One day he came to my apartment high/drunk as hell and just completely out of his mind and telling me it wasn't his fault that he'd gotten a bad trip. After hours of talking and convinving him he needed to just go back home (and taking him home) The next morning I hear he had just crashed and ended up destroying his own house and got arrested.

    Don't get caught up with crack/meth tweakers or whatever they call themselves. There isn't one positive thing that can come of it-the most you need to do if you want to help him is drop him off in front of a rehab clinic-that is if you ever live near him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2007 6:33 PM GMT

    You are still hurt, but you should thank God that he is no longer in your life.

    Yes, get over it. Things work out the way they do for a reason.

    Please, we all have better things to do.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2007 10:05 PM GMT
    Ok, the only questions I have are should I just act like he doesn't exist now? Should I not try to talk to him at all? Just move on and act like I never knew him?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2007 10:19 PM GMT
    I think I answered my own question.

    This is just like my brother. He's currently in prison and addicted to cocaine.

    When he wasn't in jail, he'd call me sporadically talking about the most random things. I finally stopped answering and acted like he didn't exist.

    As did my father. We just stopped talking to him because we couldn't save him. Hopefully, prison will help.

    I guess with Victor, I should do the same and say nothing more to him.

  • allamericantx

    Posts: 140

    Jun 19, 2007 10:57 PM GMT
    The only thing I would recommend (coming from personal experience) is write him a letter or email and just tell him you love him and you don't want him to die.

    When people are in a state of self-destruction, it takes just one sincere "I care and don't want to see you die" statement to really hit home.

    As people, we expect immediate changes in others when we do or say something. That is not how it works. Your words DO have an impact on people whether it shows immediately or not, and just letting him know you care will be enough for him to think long and hard (even when you think he may not be). When he's ready, he'll let you know.

    You came into his life at the right time and did your part. Now, you let go and trust he's in God's care now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 12:53 AM GMT
    You don't give up, do you? :-)

    If anything, this entire experience should be a lesson to you (and anyone else reading these threads) on the importance of taking one's time when getting to know someone. Meeting via the Internet can be (and often is) a recipe for disaster. From the time you started communicating with this person to the time you met, you were able to construct whatever elaborate fantasy you desired based on the crumbs of information he shared. And now you've learned that some (probably most!) of the information was false anyway.

    Let's start at the beginning. This is a person who deceived you from day one and then attempted to make *you* feel like it was *your* fault that your visit didn't end in wedded bliss. Never mind the obvious red flags like taking you to Easter dinner with the family after knowing each other (in person) for three days.

    Bottom line, this guy is f*cked up. Stop worrying about him and stop making excuses for him. You don't need to help or save him. This is such a common thread in gay relationships...the savior complex. Don't go there!!! It's a huge mistake, not to mention an incredible waste of time and valuable energy. If and when he hits rock bottom with his addictions and deceptions, he might seek help. But *he* must want to do this. You can't make him go. And why should you?

    It's been asked before...and I'll ask it again. Why do you keep seeking to invest energy in this person? The more you learn, the more you realize that he was full of sh*t from day one. If you base your relationships on Internet fantasy and/or the need to "rescue" someone, you're in for a rough ride.

    Stop disrespecting yourself by putting up with this guy and playing into his game. Lose his digits and move on.

    Finally, a word on drug use, etc. Meth = Death. Period. I'm very much pro legalization of certain drugs. However, meth does nothing but destroy the brain. End of story. When you let a meth-head into your life, you make a huge mistake. I don't care how nice, sweet, fun, etc. he or she appears. It doesn't matter. These people are seriously damaged. They will not think twice about lying to you, stealing from you, etc.

    I really hope you let this guy go - and learn from this experience. Unfortunately he probably isn't the first gay guy you've met (and he surely won't be the last) pulling a freight train load of issues. Learn to see the warning signs and stay away. The time and energy you waste on people like this could be invested in getting to know quality people. Use your time wisely.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 2:33 AM GMT
    lol, listen to sierra. And I am glad you gave yourself one of those V8 knocks on the head ..

    "So you shun your brother who you have known all your life but take in a stranger with the same problem. "

    Doesn't make sense to me. Leave the drug addicts to their families, long time friends, and mostly rehab. Unless you are a rehab center don't take in drug addicts, ok?

    As far as my own experience, I had an ex who was involved with the sex party drug thing. I did this for him .. kicked him out, changed my locks, forbid him from being at the house when I wasn't there, and bought him airfare to a rehab center in Florida, and took his dog in for the 3 weeks he was gone. I would not even have done that much for him if it were not for our long history.

    I treated him with much distrust after that, even though I did get him food and clothes sometimes but not money. We had times that we would go 6 months at a time not speaking if he started to act up again and disrespect me. He would always call up and apologize after he came back to himself.

    This went on for 3 or 4 years, but am happy to say he is much better now, and he cherishes my friendship as he is pretty much an orphan with both of his brothers dead.

    For a family member or long time friend, I can see helping out TO SOME EXTENT (don't be a sucker), but for someone you just met .. NO!

    I hope you ask yourself why you have been reading so much into a person you really don't know. It says more about you than you think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 2:53 AM GMT
    My brother has been a drug user for years. He's 31 now and I've dealt with his drug issues for over 10 years. I just FINALLY gave up.

    With Victor, I have known him for much less, and I haven't done or sacrificed anything with him. I have this problem where whenever I like a guy, I want to take care of him and protect him. It does sometimes cause me to get ran over, which I am well aware of and am working on.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 5:49 AM GMT
    Well you can care about someone and realize that it may not matter or make a difference to anyone other than yourself. Unfortunate but true, so you gotta protect yourself too!

    There is a saying .. "if at first you don't succeed, try again .. after that give up cause there's no sense in being a damn fool about it" lol

    This rescuer syndrome is more common than you think! The thing is, many times it is the rescuer that need rescuing.

    Sometimes I think that a person feels so empty and needing to be loved, they pour out their affection on someone else as if watering a plant that is going to grow into something that will give back.

    At some point you need to face your true self and see that you are just as needy as sad as the people you are falling for (I don't mean that in a hateful way). When you really see this you will have compassion for yourself and be able to balance your own needs and the needs of others.

    You can only understand others when you can be truthful about and understand yourself. You can only love others when you understand what it means to be loved and love yourself.

    Here is a quote from _If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him!_ :

    "Love is more than simply being open to experiencing the anguish of another person's suffering. It is the willingness to live with the helpless knowing that we can do nothing to save the other from his pain."

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 6:10 AM GMT
    I think ActiveAndFit really hits the nail on the head with his rescuer comments. I've been drawn to problematic people my whole life. And I've always made excuses for their drama and baggage. It's only been in the past few years - since I removed myself from what I now consider to be a very toxic environment (Los Angeles) and really began to challenge my behavior patterns - that I can appreciate how my "rescuer" mentality has hindered me my entire life.

    Instead of finding friends who lifted me up, or a quality relationship built on common goals and values, I often gravitated towards the bad apples. I now see it for what it is: self-handicapping. Figure out why you have this need to rescue someone. Quite frankly, until you have it under control, I'm not sure you should trust yourself to make good decisions where matters of the heart are concerned.

    That said, kudos to you for wanting to discuss these issues and for respectfully accepting the many comments and criticisms you have received. Most people don't even bother to figure it out. They just make the same mistakes over and over again.

    I truly believe that in the first moments of being confronted with any situation, we instinctively know how to respond. Learn to listen to that instinct. When you sense something isn't right, don't worry about why, don't try to explain it, don't feel guilty for feeling it, don't feel obligated. Accept it and move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 8:28 AM GMT

    I can relate... about six yrs ago I was very smitten w/ a dealer and boy was that a f!@#$ up mess. You can't save 'em... BUT YOU REALLY CAN SAVE YOUR SELF. It is a LOT of work, but what other option is there ? It is a lot easier in life to DOWN... and the brick is HIM, my pal.

    GO UP ! fight the good fight. The hard work and constant trials are worth it. Without a bit of discomfort there is no growth... just make the choice to be happy and at peace. Then FLY HIGH the natural way, seeking your ever constant truth. These kind of people can become a real distraction from, uh, OUR TRUE SELF. Wish him well. pray for him. Send him love, and move on. seems like you are really well on your way, dude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 5:10 PM GMT
    I'm one of those "Change the World" people who really believes with words and actions, we can make this earth better than it is now and has been before. I'm conflicted, though, because while I encourage people to try to change the situation I also realize that you cannot change someone else, not really. Honestly, I think we can lead someone down the right path but ultimately, they have to make that choice about how they wanna walk, alone.

    As a former alcoholic, I can say that small words aren't wasted (for me it was hearing "So, maybe you should slow down") on others but in the end, the only one that can change you is you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 11:01 PM GMT
    ... And what a fantastic journey that can be, eh ?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2007 4:12 AM GMT
    You simply CAN'T LET GO of this, you started ANOTHER thread about your victimization by this guy. Good god. You need help. This is totally an attention seeking activity. You LOVE to be a victim, you can't let go of it. Another thread about this guy not wanting you. That's what it comes to, your ego can't accept it.

    STOP PLAYING VICTIM. Are you that bored and have so little in your life that you need all this attention?? "Whine Whine Whine...poor little helpless me, I've been abused and mistreated. This man doesn't want me. I'm helpless. I'm innocent. I'm a victim. Someone rescue me. I need for as many people as possible to tell me how good I am and it's his loss so my victim-centered addicted Ego can be fed. I need more people to rescue me. I'm a victim. Being a victim makes my life easier because I don't have to have any responsibility for my own happines. I am unhappy because of someone else. Has nothing to do with me, it's always someone else and I'm a victim helpless. Life is easier when I have someone to blame for my failures and unhappiness. Luckily some people just LOVE to rescue a victim!! Lucky me, I'll find those that feed into my insecutity and remain irresponsible for my happiness. Life is easy when I have excuses why I never grew up.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jun 21, 2007 4:27 AM GMT

    How can 'Uses drugs often' in a website profile lead you to believe he's an addict?

    I think you should stop droning on about this guy and get a life.

    The guys a loser and you're making yourself a loser by obsessing about him.

    Move on.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2007 4:31 AM GMT
    You two have obviously not read a thing I've said.

    His own friends have told me this. These are very close friends of his I personally met.

    I'm not jumping to any conclusions or pining after him.

    I hadn't thought of him for some time until I RANDOMLY came across his profile when I was looking at other guys.

    Fully read, then comment. TuzaHu, I disregard your comments because they come from false assumptions and from one who thinks they know everything, which you do not.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2007 4:31 AM GMT
    Harsh , TuzaHu, harsh. Although I can't entirely disagree with the sentiment expressed...