Sitting at the Crossroads

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    Jan 24, 2011 5:51 PM GMT
    I'm still looking up at the sign trying to figure out what direction to go. Most everyone at RJ that's been here a while knows my history so I won't bore you.

    With my wife having been gone off and on over the past months, I have had much time for introspection. Thinking about my inner self, my sexuality, coming to peaceful terms with that; my marriage and all that involves with my wife and family, and my future as to what lies ahead - all has been a 'thru the past darkly' experience that has left me in neutral.

    Contrary to what some may think, i am not a greedy or self centered person. I want what is best for the collective, first for my wife and family and their happiness and future, and then for what will bring me peace.

    I have come to realize this: coming to terms with my sexuality is not attached to how I act upon those terms. It has brought me an inner peace and a great acceptance that I am who I am. That has been my mountain and I have ascended.

    But now as the future presents itself, the dynamics are not simple. I know there are those who will say 'move on, leave the wife, start your new life as a gay man'. The fact is that I still deeply love my wife, and she me. I know she is giving me my 'freedom' because that is who she is, but I am not so sure I want that freedom. To leave my deepest love and friend for an unknown because I decided I am gay just no longer rings rationality. I have lived a celebate gay life up until the last couple of months, with two short interludes with other guys, and I see nothing in granite why I can't continue. I have no prospects, I'm not sure I want to look for them anymore and I am seriously doubting moving over to the gay team.

    I am not going back in the closet. To me coming out is a personal thing, and I have done that. I am a proud gay man who strongly wishes to stay married. My wife and I are no longer sexually active and I can handle that.
    I have friends here on RJ in a similar boat and I hope your input will help them also.

    So, I have put on my Kevlar vest. I would appreciate your honest and compassionate input. I know unfortunately that some will see a chance to lock and load on this...whatever....To the rest, i would appreciate ur comments as brothers................................Keithicon_question.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 24, 2011 5:56 PM GMT
    It's a personal journey. Do what makes the most sense for you as you evaluate the larger picture. Don't let others dictate how you should behave or feel. The bottom line is the the happiness of you and your family.

    Your real friends will support your decision whatever it is... best of luck, I'm sure it is a challenging situation!

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    Jan 24, 2011 6:44 PM GMT
    Last week i was watching a french movie called "L'arbre et la foret" and the story is somewhat similar to your situation.
    I don't know if subtitles are available .

    Your wife has a life also, maybe she'd want her freedom to meet somebody else ?
    Does she want to stay with you , or prefers to be on her own ?

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    Jan 24, 2011 7:37 PM GMT
    my wife says she will never have another mate. I think bottom line she is undecided as well, after almost 27 years together, it is like losing a part of you.
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    Jan 25, 2011 6:32 AM GMT
    Do what you and her decide is the best for each of you. Your actions affect her and vice versa. The fact she is supporting u through this and your lines of communication are open and apprently well used is more than most people in your situation could even pray for. She sounds like a very understanding person, who cares about you deeply and still loves you even though you are sexually attracted to men. Perhaps it will wind up being a loving relationship where you fulfill your sexual needs apart from each other, but your love is a strong enough bond for you to live the rest of your lives together. But above all, do what feels right by you, and screw anyone who tries to tell u how to live your life. They aren't you, one size does not fit all, etc.
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    Jan 25, 2011 6:35 AM GMT
    stilsurchin said
    Contrary to what some may think, i am not a greedy or self centered person. I want what is best for the collective, first for my wife and family and their happiness and future, and then for what will bring me peace.


    i dont think you can have both.
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    Jan 25, 2011 6:48 AM GMT
    Well Keith, that's the struggle with guys who have been married for so long. Generally it's not a case of no love, it's a case of needing to find themselves and stop the deceit, lies, frustrations within themselves and with others.

    If a couple can work out an arrangement whereby they can continue the relationship and be open, accepting and satisfied, that's great. I personally feel that is a very tall order for both parties. Unless your coming out is solely for sex, there's more to being gay than just sex.

    Will your wife feel cheated when you leave to spend the day or weekend with a guy? Will you feel frustrated or guilty by arranging to be with others. Can you live with just being active with others in the gay community but not developing bonds with other guys?

    Making changes is very hard. Being in a relationship that long is really a biggie. It's hard to lose your best friend and many times that's exactly what it is. The love there is a bond that's been developed over many years. You don't exist for the many years together without there being some serious love. Now can you work out time to spend exploring your sexuality or will it always be walking on egg shells to try and plan or mention it?

    Good luck to you. It's a tough spot to be in.
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    Jan 25, 2011 12:50 PM GMT


    "But now as the future presents itself, the dynamics are not simple. I know there are those who will say 'move on, leave the wife, start your new life as a gay man'. The fact is that I still deeply love my wife, and she me. I know she is giving me my 'freedom' because that is who she is, but I am not so sure I want that freedom. To leave my deepest love and friend for an unknown because I decided I am gay just no longer rings rationality. I have lived a celebate gay life up until the last couple of months, with two short interludes with other guys, and I see nothing in granite why I can't continue. I have no prospects, I'm not sure I want to look for them anymore and I am seriously doubting moving over to the gay team."

    Aww Keith *hug* . You know, I'm always puzzled that Bi men feel they can 'be a gay man'. Personally I think it's about as possible as a Bi man deciding he's going to be straight. You will always appreciate and can love (as in 'in love') both sexes. That's how you're made. For me it's men. For my brother it's women. That's how we're made.

    You can have a straight relationship, you can have a gay relationship. You're still Bi. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

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    Jan 25, 2011 6:27 PM GMT
    you guys are sweet and thanks....there is no way in 10 Sundays i would stay with my wife and step out to lay with a guy. If i stay it will be a celibate relationship, straight and gay. I have some great friends on RJ that have helped me along the way....I guess i need to make some decisions..........Keithicon_cry.gif
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    Jan 25, 2011 8:39 PM GMT
    stilsurchin saidyou guys are sweet and thanks....there is no way in 10 Sundays i would stay with my wife and step out to lay with a guy. If i stay it will be a celibate relationship, straight and gay. I have some great friends on RJ that have helped me along the way....I guess i need to make some decisions..........Keithicon_cry.gif



    hmmm....what does your sweetie have to say about this? She knows of your proclivity for men. She may have absolutely no qualms about you having the odd tryst now and then. She might like to do the same.

    (imagines Keith and Mrs sitting by a pool at a fancy hotel checking people out and comparing notes)

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  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jan 25, 2011 9:02 PM GMT
    We define our own lives, or else we surrender that definition to others. There is no middle ground when it comes to making the choice to be exactly who YOU are.

    That does not mean you owe anyone here an explanation of your choice. It's not textbook. No life is textbook. Thank God for the unique and powerful individuality of each man among us.

    Your life is unlike any other man here, in spite of similar experiences and empathic understanding, it is populated with choices unique to you. And that is a great thing. The truth of what is going to be best for your wife, for your children, for your extended family is simple: be true to yourself and make choices that make you happy, and that is what is best. You rob them of you with each choice you make in which you are not in the picture, Keith. And anything other than truth is a sure source of unhappiness and 'absent presence', if you will.

    That doesn't mean you don't take into consideration how you feel toward them, and that your affection and love informs your action. Of course it will. But it doesn't dictate your choices in that they aren't living your life - YOU are. Good people - and I think most of us are or strive to be good - don't discount the feelings of other people or make choices at the expense of other people's hearts. But your wife is obviously making choices that are important to her, and work for her, including the choice to no longer have a sexually intimate relationship with you. Does that mean she's asking you to stop being sexual altogether? I doubt that. A request for martyrdom doesn't come from someone who is truly mindful of the other person's heart.

    So you may not be at a crossroads so much as you may be at bend in the road, and you may not be able to see as far down this turn as you'd like, but you can't just stop and not move forward - stasis is not an action. It's a surrender. And I very much doubt you're about to surrender.

    You're old enough to know now that you never make it through life without unintentionally hurting someone you love. You strike me as being mindful, but not immobilized. And you musn't be afraid of the bumps. They will happen - still to you, and still some because of you. We heal. We grow. Right up to the very end.

    So, onward. Choose from your heart, be prepared for surprises, and enjoy the mystery of the road. So few of us have that kind of unknown possibility before us, and the sooner you embrace it, the sooner you shall discover more about you and the people you love (and have yet come to love), and they in turn, about you.
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    Jan 25, 2011 11:24 PM GMT
    ^^ wow, mcb, thanks for the eloquent input...i know you guys are right, and no, my wife wants me to find friendship and sexual completeness. It is a decision I thought I had made but jumping off the cliff into the waters is more difficult than I initially thought.

    We are sitting down tonite to try and finalize our future...I appreciate all your input thus far..................Keith
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    Jan 26, 2011 12:11 AM GMT
    Vita Sackville-West and Harold Nicholson were both primarily gay and they both had same-sex love-affairs outside their marriage. Yet they loved each other deeply and stayed together in a happy marriage with children who, from what I've read, were happy and loved as well. Love takes all kinds of forms and just because something is the norm doesn't mean it's the right thing for everyone. From your post I sense you have a wonderful, understanding, open-minded wife who wants you to be happy. As long as you feel the same way about her, staying married sounds like the ideal. I've always thought that true love is about acceptance and companionship between equal minds. Sex does play an important role, especially at the beginning, but it is not an absolute necessity in the long term as long as both parts are comfortable with the other seeking it outside the marriage. Good luck to you both!
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    Jan 26, 2011 12:22 AM GMT
    I know my wife would not be comfortable with me stepping out while we were together, and although the idea has crossed my mind, i have dismissed it. And Doug, no no no and again no....She is a very proper lady that would never think of that....but she doesn't mind my eye wandering to a cute guy....but that's the limit............keith
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    Jan 26, 2011 12:32 AM GMT
    My dear Keith at the end of the day the most important mission or accomplish a man can expect to achieve in his lifetime is in knowing what love is and what it feels like! and from what you have shared with us about your experiences with it, YOU my dear friend should be very very proud of where it has taken you!



    Hugs,

    Leandro ♥
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    Jan 26, 2011 12:38 AM GMT
    not proud Leandro, but very blessed and very grateful, .......you're sweet, thanks
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    Jan 26, 2011 1:02 AM GMT
    stilsurchin saidnot proud Leandro, but very blessed and very grateful, .......you're sweet, thanks



    NOT PROUD? are you kidding me!? have you any idea how many straight, bisexual, and gay men are still in limbo as to what love is or feels like? don't let me bitch slapped you for not being proud of what you have accomplished in your life that even the so-called liberated and well adjusted gay or straight married man have not! LOVE my dear Keith is the ultimate experience or sensation a human being can have and most of us strive to even experience; YOU ALREADY HAVE! and that along is the biggest accomplishment any man, straight, bisexual, or gay wish they had that you already have being fortunate to know what it feels like. I am proud of you and I know that deep down in your soul you are too!


    Leandro ♥
  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    Jan 26, 2011 1:09 AM GMT
    Marriage is not a sacred thing. It is a contract between 2 people. If you 2 both want to stay married, who am I to judge your circumstances.

    However, it might complicate your dating life should you choose to pursue one. You need to think about that.