"its what my mind says, I wish someone would explain it to my heart"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 27, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    This quote from sally fields in steel magnolias has been on my mind lately as Im suffering thru a break up with my husband of 6 years.

    I promised I wouldnt expose myself on here like this but as Ive made so many great friends on here, I feel it may help to vent & be therapeutic for me.

    I wont bore you with a huge long story....the short of it is.....

    We met 6 yrs ago, fell madly, deeply in love. Ive never loved anyone so much in my life, he was the 1 Id always looked for.

    We lived 2 hrs apart & made all kinds of promises & plans to live our futures together. So many promises were broken, especially on his part. After 6 months the sex came to a screaching halt. He always had excuses, depression, not feeling like it, infections & etc, all the while I'd catch him in signs & evidence otherwise & even cheating.

    He'd always beg for me back & it would be better for a short time then the same. He also had issues of being gay. Denouncing anything gay related like movies & etc (brokeback mountain) . He would even say that sex made him feel dirty, keep in mind he was raised jehovah witness.

    All the while though he was a very beautiful, sexy, loving caring man. Always willing to help fix cars, the house, help others & after awhile my children even considered him as a stepfather.

    4 years into the relationship I found out I was hiv +. I know in my heart I got it from him as I was tested before I met him & there had been no 1 else. I made him get tested & of course he was positive. After this he spiraled into even more depression & financial problems didn't help either.

    A few months ago he started attending "meetings" again at his jehovah witness center. I was completely supportive hoping it would help his depression. Soon I started getting messages how he wanted to "serve God" & etc. After a while I just couldnt take it anymore.

    I asked how he planned on being a j.w. & serving God when he said homosexuality isnt tolerated, he said he didnt know & hadnt made up his mind yet.....that pretty much let me know where I stood.

    Even though I love this man with all my heart I just cant take anymore. The rejection of no sex, the long distance, the cheating & lying, giving me hiv, & now him finding "jehovah" putting me behind again.

    All the while expressing his undying love for me & our family. I cant stand the hypocrosy & etc anymore.

    In my mind I know its for the best but my heart is aching, breaking and hurting right now as he was a beautiful & loving man. Of course I wonder if im doing the right thing I cant help but wonder why ive hung on so long.

    Theres a war battling my emotions inside. I miss him but dont miss the way he made me feel. Unwanted, insecure, ugly & not good enough to merit his sexual & physical attention.

    Sorry for the long & depressing post. I just need to vent & ask anyones constructive opinions based on what ive said. I feel like ive lost the love of my life & will never find anyone like him, his smile & his heart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 27, 2011 11:34 PM GMT
    Did you end it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 27, 2011 11:52 PM GMT
    First HUGE GIANT HUGS because this may be painful but you need to see with other eyes.

    OK, just read you profile and you're now single. Good for you for taking control of the situation instead of the situation controlling you.

    I'd like you to look at the following:

    "In my mind I know its for the best but my heart is aching, breaking and hurting right now as he was a beautiful & loving man."

    and yet..
    'We lived 2 hrs apart & made all kinds of promises & plans to live our futures together. So many promises were broken, especially on his part. After 6 months the sex came to a screaching halt. He always had excuses, depression, not feeling like it, infections & etc, all the while I'd catch him in signs & evidence otherwise & even cheating'

    "In my mind I know its for the best but my heart is aching, breaking and hurting right now as he was a beautiful & loving man."

    and yet..
    .'He'd always beg for me back & it would be better for a short time then the same. He also had issues of being gay. Denouncing anything gay related like movies & etc (brokeback mountain) . He would even say that sex made him feel dirty'

    "In my mind I know its for the best but my heart is aching, breaking and hurting right now as he was a beautiful & loving man."

    and yet...
    '4 years into the relationship I found out I was hiv +. I know in my heart I got it from him as I was tested before I met him & there had been no 1 else. I made him get tested & of course he was positive. After this he spiraled into even more depression & financial problems didn't help either.'

    "In my mind I know its for the best but my heart is aching, breaking and hurting right now as he was a beautiful & loving man."

    and yet...
    'The rejection of no sex, the long distance, the cheating & lying, giving me hiv, & now him finding "jehovah" putting me behind again.
    All the while expressing his undying love for me & our family. I cant stand the hypocrosy & etc anymore.'

    You seriously need to address your definition of a beautiful and loving man. As well, whether you tell them directly or not, your kids learn from you how to have a good healthy and reciprocal relationship and how to protect themselves from others. Teach them wisely.

    xoxoxo-Doug






  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 28, 2011 12:07 AM GMT
    Whoa...familiar story, but I managed to escape without the HIV. Sounds like you are dealing with a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type of guy. They are very volatile and unpredictable, a combination that is a disaster for anyone that crosses their path. The reality is that they are the same person and you will never be able to understand them, nor do you want to. I'm approaching 2 years away from mine, almost 8 months since any communication, and life couldn't be better. Like any loss, it will take time to get through. Check out the book "the betrayal bond" and "sociopath next door". Sounds like you've been hooked by a seriously flawed and toxic individual. Best wishes...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 28, 2011 12:20 AM GMT
    oh wow, Red, I feel really, really sorry for you.

    In his current state your Ex is not relationship material and nobody should have to go through his personal drama with him. You can't fix him. The only person to fix him is he himself and I think he needs professional help with that. Funny, but I saw this yesterday and I think it applies to you
    http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2011/01/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-good-working-order

    The only thing that will help your heart is time. And don't think less of yourself for still loving him. It's 2 different issues, ending an impossible relationship and falling out of love. He's still the same guy that was your husband, that you loved, but you've discovered that he is not worthy of your love.

    If he loved you like he claims, you'd be better of today, knowing that though he messed up, he will always be there for you.
    If he loved you like he claims, you'd not feel unwanted, insecure, ugly & not good enough to merit his sexual & physical attention


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 28, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    Relationship is about being with someone that allows you to grow, and I don't mean in shared years! a loving couple must reciprocate the spiritual, emotional, and sexual needs of each other, but if none of these three basic human needs were'nt met it was never a relationship in the first place, no matter how much love you think there was in the relationship. Please know that a great part of that love and dedication came from your kind and loving self!

    My dear Redbull I have followed your topics on Realjock, and I who is usually a good judge of character can decipher in your words, with certainty, that you are a loving, sensitive, responsible man with a heart of gold. I also believe in my honest opinion you MUST be sorrounded with positive people in order to keep alive that beautiful part of your self. Sweety you have suffered and sacrificed enough, enough is enough!! Although I get the feeling all that pain have been all out of love for your husband and especially your son, so you see it was not in vain!

    Sweety give yourself a favor, better yet give the world a favor!! there are many people out there including that someone special that not only will give you back what you so unselfishly give in return, but also because being a good kind hearted person is a great part of who you are!!


    Hugs!,

    Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 28, 2011 3:48 AM GMT
    ALEZANDER said it better than anything I could muster... Listen to him! He's right!

    -Doug
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Jan 28, 2011 6:50 AM GMT
    You'll be OK. You are strong enough to handle this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 28, 2011 6:56 PM GMT
    Among the best news Ive read all year. Good for you, red; thousands of fish in the sea, so you can do better.

    Still, if you want me to beat him up for you, send me an email.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 28, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    Oh, Red, how I feel for you.

    Your brain is right, and your heart needs a distraction. All of the rationales for being with him--though deep--will certainly dissolve away with enough mulling. However, the heartsickness is as profound as withdrawal from an addiction. This calls for serious therapy and a tremendous amount of time.

    One prescription that I can recommend: aim for the day you'll be over him. What kind of man do you want to market to the world then? Start today on creating that man. Fortune favors the prepared, so prepare for the next guy. You'll perhaps be hitting it harder at the gym, learning a new language or trade, networking with a new set of friends.

    Then, you'll see the new guy. If you're also a new guy you'll be ready to make the move. Never mention your ex again (until you can actually laugh at yourself about it).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 28, 2011 11:49 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for the compliments, words of wisdom, & uplifting advice. You just dont know how much it means to me & how it has helped, thank you so much!
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Jan 29, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    TawlBlond saidAmong the best news Ive read all year. Good for you, red; thousands of fish in the sea, so you can do better.

    Still, if you want me to beat him up for you, send me an email.


    you don't respond to mails anyway
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 29, 2011 3:46 PM GMT


    All the while expressing his undying love for me & our family. I cant stand the hypocrosy & etc anymore.

    In my mind I know its for the best but my heart is aching, breaking and hurting right now as he was a beautiful & loving man. Of course I wonder if im doing the right thing I cant help but wonder why ive hung on so long.

    Theres a war battling my emotions inside. I miss him but dont miss the way he made me feel. Unwanted, insecure, ugly & not good enough to merit his sexual & physical attention.

    Sorry for the long & depressing post. I just need to vent & ask anyones constructive opinions based on what ive said. I feel like ive lost the love of my life & will never find anyone like him, his smile & his heart.[/quote]j redbull, i am going to sound like a ass for saying this but please do not take this the wrong way. here is the deal and i want you to read everything you wrote then take yourself out of the picture and read it as if you were reading someone else's thread. what would you say to the person who wrote this message. I think most of the readers would probably say dump him and move on. i think the easy part would be to leave. however, he has put your health in jeopardy, cheated, and lied to you. what else does has to do. listen, i am single so i can tell you it is hard to find a good person to share your life with. however, i would rather die alone then to deal with someone like your bf. redbull at the end of the day only you can make the final decision. i hope you will make the right one
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 29, 2011 3:57 PM GMT
    Redbull,

    Congratulations venting to everyone. Its a strong direction to acknowledge all feelings and opening them up to the world.

    Sigh and take a deep breath, you are not alone in this situation.

    Our hearts and minds communicate on different levels. We all find ourselves puzzled and confused at times. You understand the situation with your partner clearly and articulate it well for everyone to hear your frustration, anger, and compassion for this other man. I think the first step is to find some peace inside of your heart before embracing a new step in your life. Meditation, working out, talking to friends, and seeing the world in a new perspective is a beneficial and positive direction. Next, think about your six years with this man. What happened in the beginning, throughout the time, and end that changed? Did you change in the process? Why did not you want to believe what you knew? Eventually find the courage to communicate to him. Tell him your grievances, pain, and anger toward him throughout the six years. You have the right and he has the right to sit there and live. Then, find your path to move on and begin your new life. You have amazing children and a host of friends here on RJ and in real life. Don't fight your mind and heart, but reconcile the pieces he tore from you and rebuild. Life is a rebuilding process every day.

    Good luck on your new journey!

    Mike
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 30, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    As crazy as it sounds,....I miss him so much. I feel like im dying inside. All you guys are so great, wish you were closer right now, I sure could use a hug & a kick in the ass. I dont know how to get over this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2011 4:46 AM GMT
    redbull saidAs crazy as it sounds,....I miss him so much. I feel like im dying inside. All you guys are so great, wish you were closer right now, I sure could use a hug & a kick in the ass. I dont know how to get over this.



    I know how you are feeling Brian, believe me I know! but sweety please try to understand that when you loose someone, in the early stages of that loss, most of us tend to cling to happy memories of the times we've shared with that person or events! so I hope you understand that your missing him is more of a subsconscious psychological mechanism that will help you heal and eventually close the wounds your husband caused you during your times together!? so you see the pain you are feeling right now is the very thing that will help you become a much stronger person! you know what they say "No pain no gain, right!!

    But you know what my good man, when relationships stops working, like death of a loved one, the only way out of such loss is to accept the outcome, because when things come to a rotten end, ironically, they will become and follow you all your life like scattered pieces of memories; and if you are the type who is in touch with yourself, and I have the feeling you are, you must know those feelings of loss will become like fertilizers to a more matured you as your body ages and your spiritual self becomes younger! and those of us who knows the effects and benefits of maturity know that experiences, good or bad, at the end can recycle in us a new sense of self=happiness! so be strong my good man, because a new cycle of life is just on the horizon in your future.

    I too was in a very stabled and happy relationship with someone who was still dealing with a lot of baggage from his past when I first met him; and I say "stabled" because as I look back now it made me a more emotionally grounded person. My ex was also very much into a religious life, and even closeted to his family. I kind of knew the risks involved when I embraced this relationship, but instead decided to listen to my heart and put aside my own fears and prejudices intentionally, because at least for me experiences have taught me, that the heart is the birthplace of happiness and inner peace. So I embarked into a relationship with a man who was very emotionally unstable, secretive, and in many instances made my days a bit unpleasant and confused at times. I loved him, not so much because of who he was, now that I look back, but because he awaken in me a person I denied existed in me for too long! for the first time in my life the compassion I felt for this man made me realized and re-evalute my own self-worth, and the qualities I fell to see in myself for too long! having said that I garantee you every day that goes by you too will come into this self-realization. Sweety you are a good man, know that! I only hope this is the lesson that you have learned from this journey.


    Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2011 12:36 PM GMT
    Leandro,

    It's taken me over a year to be able to translate my feelings of what I went through in to spoken word. When I read posts like yours, I'm amazed at how similar the experiences are. It also saddens me to know that someone else has been where I've been.

    Red, you are probably bonded by trauma, not love. Research has found that you form stronger bonds with people that give and then withhold love, rather than those that give consistent love. In the end, with these people, we are struggling for just a morsel of hope or love. Its what we've always done, but what is difficult to understand, is that they never had it to give.

    I suggest you read the rules of breaking up. Follow the strict NO contact rule and just dive right in to dealing and moving on. The fastest way around it is straight thru it. A foam baseball bat on the back of the sofa is a good starting point.....in case you were wondering!!!

    Hang in there..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 01, 2011 5:18 AM GMT
    kevinap saidLeandro,

    It's taken me over a year to be able to translate my feelings of what I went through in to spoken word. When I read posts like yours, I'm amazed at how similar the experiences are. It also saddens me to know that someone else has been where I've been.

    Red, you are probably bonded by trauma, not love. Research has found that you form stronger bonds with people that give and then withhold love, rather than those that give consistent love. In the end, with these people, we are struggling for just a morsel of hope or love. Its what we've always done, but what is difficult to understand, is that they never had it to give.

    I suggest you read the rules of breaking up. Follow the strict NO contact rule and just dive right in to dealing and moving on. The fastest way around it is straight thru it. A foam baseball bat on the back of the sofa is a good starting point.....in case you were wondering!!!

    Hang in there..



    Kevin while those who experienced it may justify their choice to remain single because what their partners put them through, some of us do come out of it a much better person for it!! for me at least every bad relationship I had have helped me see the good and bad in me, which in turn instead of allowing myself to become jaded or bittered I can see the good in every bad situation, that in turn helps me become a much happier and content individual!

    Whenever I read a topic on RealJock dealing with the issues of relationships gone sour or on break ups, and sense a tone of despair and negativities from the general reactions and comments of the OP and the readers, I ask myself why? why do people waste so much time and energy in creating so much unnecessary drama and pain in their lives and that of others? why can we learn that there is good in every bad situation or even with people we may not click with?

    I learned a long time ago that every bad experience is a chance to make good on the things we deserve but often forget to evaluate in ourselves and others as well, do in part because we spent too much time and energy in pleasing those who in my honest opinion do not deserve of our precious time much less our love!! even thou some of us do come out of it a better person! and I have a feeling you have!!


    Hugs!,

    Leandro ♥