came out to my family today...=/

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    and all i am thinking right now is what a huge mistake i made. it was me, my parents and brother at dinner and i just straight up told them that i needed to tell them something and that i was gay. first thing my brother did was laugh and said "yea right" then my parents followed with laughing as well then told me "we are not going to have a gay son" ...

    those words right there made me break down into tears, and then my parents told me to leave icon_sad.gif in complete shock i had no words that i ran up to my room and packed up as much as i could and drove off to my sister's house and explained the whole situation and she accepted me with open arms.

    i am such a mess right now that my family has pretty much disowned me and doesn't approve of my life. it has taken me all these years to finally build up the courage to tell them so i could be happy and after doing so, i feel like i have no place here anymore =/ nothing is worse then being such a disappointment to your family, im crying just typing this but i really need some advice from fellow RJ members because i look up to all of you guys... thanks icon_cry.gif
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    Jan 29, 2011 7:09 AM GMT
    Stay with your sister for a few days and let things settle down. Your parents are probably in shock from this, but I have a feeling they will come around. Hang in there, just stay away until they come to you. Your sister can probably talk to them and help ease things over.

    Get some sleep and be well.
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    Jan 29, 2011 7:22 AM GMT
    alexxxm, do you have any friends nearby that you can stay with or talk to in order to help you out through this situation?!? What your family did is horrible. You have immunity from my flame-war-mongering on RJ btw. icon_wink.gif

    [edit] stay on RJ and talk to me. I'm here all night. I have no life. icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 29, 2011 8:01 AM GMT
    Dear Alexxxm!


    Please know that while your family's approval is important to you, it is your own self acceptance what is really going to help you through this transition in your life.

    Sweety I know and you know that being who you are is not so much the problem as it is having others to accept you for who you are!! so having said that the more you learn to like yourself the easier it would be for everyone else to accept it. Be glad that your dear sister embraced you, and that in itself is going to make things a little easier for you and your family, I promise you that!!


    Leandro ♥
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    Jan 29, 2011 8:05 AM GMT
    Big HUGS

    Take some deep breaths...You just told your family; give them time to work through it. I'm sure they will come around.
    It they don't you will move through it and be happier in the long run.

    Big Props to Sis...
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    Jan 29, 2011 11:30 AM GMT
    Hey Man =]

    That is soooooooo fucked up. However, they are the ones in the wrong; you showed real balls by doing what you did, and no matter how long it takes them to accept that, they WILL, even begrudgingly, respect that you stood up and told them the truth.

    Thankfully your sister seems like the more evolved one, and so i'm sure you have nothing to worry about staying with her. I would suspect she will talk to your other family members about how remarkably abhorrent they have treated you at such a pivotal and vulnerable time in your life.

    If they continue to say things to the effect of ''we are not going to have a gay son'', you let them know you will not pine for insensitive, ignorant and fickle parents who can only manage conditional love and acceptance. The onus is on them to check their behaviour at this point. YOU have been couragous and respectful enough to do something MANY gay guys will NEVER have the backbone to do.

    Do you have friends who know you are gay who you can talk to? Are you close to your sister? She sounds a lot more mature and level-headed than your parents, so i'm sure she has some clout in family matters.

    You've done what may be the hardest thing in your life to date. Now just concentrate on your studies, social life and life passions. Let your parents get used to the idea, and inform that when they have decided to grow up and accept their son without disgustingly shallow conditions, you will gladly talk to them should they have any questions. Perhaps send them some books to read/documentaries/youtube vids/family group sessions regarding having a gay child. Give them some options to help them to understand something they obviously have very little real knowledge about. If they don't, they are merely showing their spiteful and ignorant nature by 'cutting their nose to spite their face', so to speak.

    You're happiness in life should NEVER be allowed to be contingent upon another person's affection. Even your family. I know this is a hard thing to do if you haven't managed it already, but really, once you can manage that, find happiness in your own achievements, well-being, home-life, interests and so on, then the acceptance of others, even those we love, becomes a bonus and not compulsory to our well-being.

    CONGRATS on taking the leap! As others have said, I am more than glad to chat with you in private about anything you want to get off your chest. We're all in the same proverbial boat here, and I think what you've done is awesome, you've got some balls kid, don't be ashamed to brandish them- a lot of people will read this and be looking up to you, no matter their age!!!!


    icon_biggrin.gif

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    Jan 29, 2011 11:49 AM GMT
    Now, have a good long hearty and exhausting cry, release the emotion, have a long and relaxing radox filled bath, pick out your best clothes, get together with some friends or whoever you want, and go out on the town and celebrate the first chapter in your new and un-shackled adult life!! Do something you really love and let-looseicon_cool.gif
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    Jan 29, 2011 12:43 PM GMT
    I am really sorry your parents reacted so poorly. Unfortunately, many people still have a very bad perception of what it means to be gay. Give them some time to process the information.

    I know it hurts to be rejected by your family, but you need to be strong. Don't retaliate and make the problem worse. Take the high road and eventually they will recognize they were wrong.

    The best thing you can do is to let them see that you are still the same person they always loved. Let them see that you are happy with who you are, and they may come around.

    Please keep us informed about what is happening. Sometimes it helps to talk through a situation.

    Good luck.

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    Jan 29, 2011 12:54 PM GMT
    ALEZANDAR saidDear Alexxxm!


    Please know that while your family's approval is important to you, it is your own self acceptance what is really going to help you through this transition in your life.

    Sweety I know and you know that being who you are is not so much the problem as it is having others to accept you for who you are!! so having said that the more you learn to like yourself the easier it would be for everyone else to accept it. Be glad that your dear sister embraced you, and that in itself is going to make things a little easier for you and your family, I promise you that!!


    Leandro ♥
    _Sage_ saidNow, have a good long hearty and exhausting cry, release the emotion, have a long and relaxing radox filled bath, pick out your best clothes, get together with some friends or whoever you want, and go out on the town and celebrate the first chapter in your new and un-shackled adult life!! Do something you really love and let-looseicon_cool.gif



    BOTH of these!

    Soon you will find how strong you actually are and never knew.. Being born is traumatic. Today you're breathing with your lungs! Happy BIRTHDAY!
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    Jan 29, 2011 1:09 PM GMT
    sisters are badass icon_smile.gif

    ur parents and brother will come around once they have time to think about what they did and miss you.

    till then enjoy life with ur sister, at least you can be urself now and at least u can be urself with ur sister.

    some people dont have anyone icon_sad.gif
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    Jan 29, 2011 3:00 PM GMT
    Hey Alexxxm,

    The main thing I want you to recognize about yourself is the courage and strength that it took for you to do this so you could live in authenticity, transparency and full honesty. Congrats bro! When you fully understand the importance of that....you will see how big a deal it truly is. It speaks VOLUMES of your character and the type of life you want to live and will live. You are so much better than many guys who live in lies, covering up their secrets (and i don't mean "not coming out if not ready")....which leads into behaviors that are dangerous and hurtful to those that love them. At ONLY 19 you had the courage to stand up and say to your entire family "This is who I am, and I want you to love me still." Truth is- You did your part in your time..........you did it when you were ready.......after all the thoughts and decisions....you made it clear. Your family now needs their time to go through their thoughts and make their decisions. Yes, telling you to leave was incredibly harsh but thank god you have your sister who accepts you fully.

    Tears are good. Never be afraid to cry. You grow from pain. You will not stay there. Life is always changing. The only thing that stays the same....is change itself. There is a light at the end of this tunnel too and a guy like you will get through it much quicker than most.

    Stay strong.
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    Jan 29, 2011 3:19 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear that most of your family reacted the way they did, glad to hear your sister is accepting.

    All the advice you've received from these guys is great. But know that I join them in supporting you and encourage you to continue your life by surrounding yourself with people who accept you and love you for who you are.

    Perhaps the rest of the family will come around some day, but until they do, surround yourself with love and affection from those who do so now.

    Stay strong!!
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jan 29, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    Alexxm -

    Can't really add anything more that others haven't already said, however I encourage you to try to be patient with your family. This is a very difficult thing for parents to hear -- especially if they had absolutely no clue it was coming. Give them time to process this information. They are probably feeling a whole string of emotions at the moment, fueled mostly by the fact that they simply do not understand the subject of Homosexuality, and they are questioning what they may have done to have caused this. You know they are not to blame, it's just who YOU are, but their lack of knowledge has them in a state of shock and guilt and a host of other emotions. Give them time, and whatever you do try to keep the channels of communication open, as this is the only way that the healing and understanding can take place.

    Hang in there!
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 29, 2011 3:24 PM GMT
    Alex, there is no question that all of this is a kick in the nuts for you. Take some time to heal and settle. Talk to your sister. She knows you and the family. Try to take care of some practical things, but for now just do the best you can.

    I took a quick look at your profile and noticed that you had posted about having some college problems. Try to understand that those problems and coming out have hit your parents with a lot lately. I don't think that your mother, father and brother handled it well, but try to give them some time. Be patient and seek calm. It is hard, but it is possible to try.
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    Jan 29, 2011 3:33 PM GMT
    *hugs*

    Most parents love their children no matter what. But parents are humans too and can overreact like anyone. It may take them time to adjust to your truth. Taking some time apart from them with little or no contact might give them the chance to meditate and process the info you gave them.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 29, 2011 3:36 PM GMT
    alexxxm saidand all i am thinking right now is what a huge mistake i made. it was me, my parents and brother at dinner and i just straight up told them that i needed to tell them something and that i was gay. first thing my brother did was laugh and said "yea right" then my parents followed with laughing as well then told me "we are not going to have a gay son" ...

    those words right there made me break down into tears, and then my parents told me to leave icon_sad.gif in complete shock i had no words that i ran up to my room and packed up as much as i could and drove off to my sister's house and explained the whole situation and she accepted me with open arms.

    i am such a mess right now that my family has pretty much disowned me and doesn't approve of my life. it has taken me all these years to finally build up the courage to tell them so i could be happy and after doing so, i feel like i have no place here anymore =/ nothing is worse then being such a disappointment to your family, im crying just typing this but i really need some advice from fellow RJ members because i look up to all of you guys... thanks icon_cry.gif
    hey there buddy, i am really sorry you had to go through this ordeal. i am sure you will come through this problem. at least you have one person in your corner. if you ever need to talk you can always hit me up
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jan 29, 2011 3:44 PM GMT
    alexxxm,

    I just want to voice my support for what you did. You may not see this now, but I think in hindsight you will view this as one of the bravest steps forward that you have taken.

    I don't know what is in your future. I don't know if your parents and brother will come around. It will be nice if they do because you have built so much of an emotional investment into your relationships with them, that to see those relationships suddenly become severed must be heartbreaking. As difficult as it is, if they cannot reciprocate the love, there is nothing to do but move on.

    In life, we don't get to pick our relatives. But we can choose whom to surround ourselves with, and those are people we love and people who love us back.

    If you still want to maintain a relationship with your parents and brother, your sister will play a vital role. Discuss with her what needs to be done.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 29, 2011 3:50 PM GMT
    So very sorry that you that that sort of reaction. What you did took guts, it was no mistake.

    Stay with your sister, they will come to accept it.. or not. I would assume they will with time, perhaps they never really gave it thought previously.

    Just know we support you, you are living your life with honesty, kudos to you.
    Keep us informed with what happens!
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    Jan 29, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    Lots of good answers here that I endorse. But there's also a cautionary tale here for others, although it will not benefit the OP at this point.

    I always advise caution in how, when, where, and to whom we come out. I think we all SHOULD eventually come out (offering myself as a bad example of ignorantly letting it be delayed for too long), but it should be planned to our best advantage, not our disadvantage. Let's not shoot our own selves in the foot. That only helps their side, if that's the side they're on, doesn't help our team or us.

    I especially become concerned about younger gays, like our OP at 19, who may not have a secure "fall-back" position if their family, for instance, evicts them, as appears to have happened here. Or cuts off their financial support while they're attending college, or something similar. Each son knows his family best, of course, another variable to be considered, but you may still be confronted with unexpected results like these.

    So my advice is: if in doubt, wait until you've achieved your independence from family, or employer, or from whoever you're considering telling. Have a fall-back position should it go badly. Another place to live, another way to support yourself, a way to finish your education, another network of friends who accept you as gay.

    That is your "insurance policy" that I think needs to be in place first. I'm being totally selfish about this, because gay lives that are ruined or crippled do not help our community, but more likely weaken it.

    As for the OP, what's done is done, and now he has to go into recovery & salvage mode, tough when you're only 19. I agree with members here who say time may heal this "wound" for his parents, and they may yet reconcile, and to do nothing that will make that more difficult for them. And yet, only time will tell.

    In the meantime, let's offer our love & support for him here, and such guidance as we can. When I came out one of the most amazing things to me was the sense of gay community where I lived, that has continued wherever I've been since. Far deeper and more sincere than I ever knew in my too-long time living in the straight world, I love & embrace the gay world because it loves & embraces me, like I had never experienced before as a straight, and to which I'd never go back even if it were possible. I wish the same for the OP.
  • rebelbeard

    Posts: 558

    Jan 29, 2011 4:06 PM GMT
    Well first of all me congratulate you on coming out to your family! Regardless of the reaction it still a brave thing to do! I am also very sorry for your parents and brother's reaction.

    I can totally relate to this situation. When I came out to my family it didn't go quite the way I would have liked. My younger sister freaked out and jumped on a chair like I was disease or something. I was 15 and she was 13. A couple years later I told my mom I was gay. My mom grew up in a country where being gay was not acceptable so she hated me and she banned me from seeing any of my relatives. I actually had to stay home alone on Christmas. My uncles and aunts were also pretty shitty about it.

    That was 12 years ago. We have all come a long way since that. My mom will never fully accept me being gay, but growing up where and how she did, I don't hold it against her. My brother and sisters and I are still super close like when we were kids. It really gets better! They just need time to wrap their mind around it. When you were born they had plans for you, and it takes time for them to realize that you will live a different life than they had planned. Give them some space and just stay with your sister.

    When a little time has passed and emotions have calmed down, try talking to them again. With some work and patience from both sides you will get past this and will heal from it.

    If you ever need to talk you can always message me or anyone on RJ. There are a lot of cool guys here who can sympathize.

    Val
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    Jan 29, 2011 4:14 PM GMT
    You have received some great advice from everyone here! I hope you listen & take it all to heart.

    1st I want to say how much I respect you & your courage for coming out, it can be a scary time especially when the ones closest to you reject you at first. Lots of times parents react this way out of ignorance, not knowing what being gay really means & they fear the question of what they did wrong to make you this way.

    2nd. Stand your ground. Im sure they have not lived perfect lives either, if they won't have a gay son, tell them you won't have inconsiderate, ignorant parents. You can cut them out of your life just as they have you, they wont see it coming & it'll let them know how the rejection feels.

    When I came out I didnt talk to my dad for a year. He kept judging me, i finally told him if I wasnt welcome in his house for being gay then he wasn't welcome in my house for being an alcoholic! I cut all of them off, no holidays bdays, phone calls, nothing....they came back to me asking for forgiveness.

    3rd. Your sister sounds like a good supporter for you right now. Dont make her your only 1 though. Research to see if there is anything in your area for help, support & love for young gay men.

    I honor you & the stand you've made. Be strong & courageous & show your parents the type of character they should have instead of acting like ignorant ass holes.
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    Jan 29, 2011 4:30 PM GMT
    Wow, Im proud, dude. You did it in suh a scary way, too.... not like one at a time, but all at once, and with your brother there.... SO lucky you had a sister to go to.

    By the end of your post my heart was beating a little faster, all because of that "we arent going to have a gay son" thing..... you should NEVER EVER EVER let that one go, dude. Well not for a super long time anyway - that would have really hurt, like, a lot.

    You just stand your ground, you are on a roll, dont let your own family treat you this way. The time will come when they will regret the way they treated you, and they deserve it for such fucked up bigotry.

    Stay with your sister for as long as you can, and ignore all contact with your family until you are ready to face them. Even if you DO already forgive them, dont let them know that..... let them feel it cut as deep as you can, so that they NEVER treat you like that again.

    I am big on forgiveness, but just as big on punishing... your worst fear came true, you are entitled to retaliate.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jan 29, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    Wait, did they tell you to leave the house, or just the dinner table because they didn't know how to react?
    Regardless, I'm sorry. In most cases (including a lot of really bad ones involving families disowning their kids) the parents come around. It's hard to feel like you've disappointed someone, but in this case you haven't done anything wrong. If they're disappointed it's their wants that are misplaced not you/your nature. Hang in there, it'll almost certainly get better. We're all partial prisoners of our upbringing, your family as well - hopefully they'll come around with time.
    <3
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    Jan 29, 2011 5:24 PM GMT
    Congrats!

    Hopefully your family will get over it and accept it. If not, you'll learn how to be okay with them not accepting it. Stay with the sister, she sounds cool, and give it time to sink in.

    You should be damn proud of yourself for coming out at 19 and to Asian parents. Thats a tough one. I know gay asians in their 40s who are still not out to their parents and the funny thing is their parents probably already know. You got balls kids. Thats a good thing.

    If you were being financially supported by your family then once the whole emotional thing tones down you need to think of a back up plan to support yourself.
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    Jan 29, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    congrats on taking this step.

    your family will come around with time.

    meanwhile, your sister is your best ally at this time and she may be able to help out with other family members. (sisters are great BTW)

    wishing you luck with all this.