What's going on here?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    I've got a boy problem that I need advice on. It's killing me and I'm at breaking point.

    I'm a 30-year-old gay man. I'm out to family and close friends and recently made the decision to be more open about myself. I had a high school/college girlfriend for 5 years but was cheating on her all the time with random online hookups. I came clean at 21, went through hell during the aftermath, but emerged years later a better person. Since that time, I've had a few occasional hookups but no serious relationship. Instead, I've been very career focused and didn't think much about the fact I was single.

    I met a 26-year-old guy last summer. We quickly hit it off and became fast friends. Texting, calling each other, running together...just hanging out...sometimes just the two of us, other times with mutual friends. I suspected he was gay from the beginning and was pretty excited at how our friendship was developing. I told some mutual friends I was into him...but no one knew for sure if he was gay. There were always been flirtatious undertones to our interactions, so even with the uncertainty, I stuck with it. I eventually came out to him. On a long car ride, I told him I was bi. (I should have said gay. I've played the bi card on occasion because it's sometimes easier. That's the route I went in this case). I expected that would open the door and allow him to be honest with me. It didn't happen and I felt a little rejected.

    Over the next several months we had what I call a few "drinking nights." I'd come over to his house, we'd drink, and eventually the conversation would turn toward very personal stuff. When we lost our virginity, how often we jerked off, where we've jerked off, what weird sexual stuff we've done, etc. On our first night, he asked what it was like to be with a guy. Weeks later, on our second night, he confessed that he was "bi-curious." He had never told anyone other than me and he had never been with a guy. His experience with girls was also pretty limited. I felt good after this night. I felt validated. Despite some obvious clues as to him liking me in some fashion...I needed some confirmation and this gave me that. But it was unspoken. I didn't tell him I liked him. He didn't tell me. I figured we'd get there. Afterwards, we took more steps in becoming "closer." We talked about ordering Fleshlights. We both eventually did. It was a unique bonding experience...talking about our respective sex toys. On our third drinking night we came back to a topic we'd discussed before...dick size. Just like before, we joked about showing each other. At one point, he got pretty serious and said, "What if I did show you? Would that be awkward for our friendship?" I said I didn't think so. But nothing happened. I left that night thinking he wouldn't have asked me that if he wasn't thinking about taking a step in that direction.

    This last "drinking night" happened at the end of the year. During the entire previous 6 months there have been moments that he's been hot and cold. I'd feel him being distant. I'd feel him wanting to get close. I'd like to trust my intuition, but I suppose I only perceived these things.

    Everything culminated into an interesting night one week ago. We were out on the town with mutual friends. A girlfriend was joking with me about how a guy she liked sent her a dick pic. I suggested to my boy, in private, that he should get her to show him the pic cause it was impressive. We eventually got home that night, I texted him and asked him to send me a dick pic. We were both pretty drunk. But he did. I sent him one. We sent each other a few more...and had a little sexting session. He told me he wanted me to come over and jerk him off. I said I was too drunk to drive. He asked if this was weird...him and I talking like this. I said no...that I really liked him. There was no direct response to that. We chatted on the phone after we were both "done" and he seemed concerned about things being awkward in the morning. I said it won't be awkward unless we make it awkward.

    I saw him the next night and things were fine. We were all out on the town again. I went home first...and expected to hear from him. I didn't. I texted him and got nothing back...although he could have been asleep by that time. The next day, he seemed distant again. Short phone conversations. Short responses in texts. Just distant. I went out of town and he became communicative again. I come back into town...and sense distance. I also see him flirting with a girl. She's cool....and he's a new addition to our circle of friends. She's beautiful and although I question his "bisexuality" I also know that I can't be inside his head and see his thoughts. He could very well be bi. He could also be flirting with her the same way a gay guy flirts with a new girl in his life...as friends only.

    We definitely reached a milestone with the pictures exchanged between us. But now...I sense something has changed. (Although, oddly enough, he just called and we had a nice, long, normal conversation about anything and everything).

    This whole thing has thrown me for a loop. I feel so immature because I'm dealing with what seems like a high school crush at age 30. I can't talk to mutual friends about it because I vowed not to tell anyone about him. He would be so betrayed. He seems so hot and so cold...and I can never predict what mood he'll be in. And I also wonder if I just can't see things the way they are. Are things really awkward and distant...or am I only perceiving awkwardness? I hate what it's doing to me. I feel so high and elated when things are good. I feel so very low when things are bad.

    Deep down, I know what I need to do. I need to communicate with him...openly and honestly. But I still want your advice, your thoughts, your input....and someone to tell me I'm not crazy and immature and acting like a 15-year-old girl. But feel free to tell me if I am too.

    Sorry this is so long.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2011 1:52 AM GMT

    He's Bi, you're not. icon_wink.gif
    Some Bi men have their dreams of love and marriage etc wrapped up in women, and like men for sex n buddies.
    Others like both equally.
    Others like women for pals n sex and men for love and marriage etc. It's a very fluid sexuality as opposed to gay or straight.



    -Doug
  • matt13226

    Posts: 829

    Jan 30, 2011 2:51 AM GMT
    seriously just ask him out i think you guys would be a cute couple and you both like each other
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2011 3:01 AM GMT
    I don't really know what to say as I don't have the experience, but that sounds really painful. It's super hard because you're into him but he doesn't seem to know what he wants. It seems that he may be into you, but the thought of being intimate with you may take some time. If you're patient, it seems that you guys may hook up...but do you want to wait? And it doesn't seem like you just want a hookup, so what you want and what he wants may not align.

    So ultimately it may be better to remain friends. It seems that you guys have chemistry but your timing isn't aligned.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2011 3:02 AM GMT
    It sounds exactly what he said.

    He's bicurious and testing the waters. Awww you could be his first guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2011 3:18 AM GMT
    I've been in similar situations a few times before, and they usually played out like this for a while. Bear in mind that even the most level-headed dude (and your friend seems pretty level-headed) can flip out over confronting their own sexuality at the drop of a hat, and seemingly at random. If you make it through to consummation (or further) without it getting painfully awkward, good on ya! You'll have beaten long odds, but it's possible. Bear in mind then that while you may have awakened dormant sexual feelings for him, that you will have awakened dormant sexual feelings for him. I know a lot of guys that, once they realize they really like dick, they go out and see what they can get. A lot. So caveat emptor.

    I really hope things work out for ya--seems like you both have a good friendship and chemistry goin'. Still, I really don't envy you and don't think I can offer you much in the way of advice. I think you've been handling things admirably well so far, although it's a shame (though not surprising) you couldn't drive over that night he invited ya. All the best, matey!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2011 3:34 AM GMT
    Dude, just go for it and see if it's good, or simply move on. You are right about the "high school" thing. You have been out to long to deal with something with this much insecurity.