Beyond disgusted. Is this what being a gay friend is about?

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    I've been chatting up a guy at the gym for almost a year. He just seemed like a nice guy and we both seem to want to hang out and chat and talk with each other. A couple of months ago, because of a change in my employment, we find ourselves now also having a professional business relationship, which we both think is very cool. We have gotten to know each other better and have confided in each other about a lot of our life goals and hopes and dreams, etc. We see each other for lunch maybe about once a week, if it works into our schedule.

    Lately things are getting a little bit more serious about being friends. Although he should know I'm gay, based upon my Facebook page, what has been said at the gym with a guy friend of mine while he was in hearing distance, etc, I never specifically told him I was gay. I don't know if he's straight or gay but he seems to be dropping hints that he is interested. I can say that whether he is gay or straight doesn't really matter. He seems to be becoming an important person in my life and I can appreciate him just as a close friend, although if something more would develop that would be great too.

    I have a "good" friend that also works out at the gym. I didn't really want my friend knowing that I had feelings for this other guy or that I was getting closer to him. But we are all adults so I did tell my friend about how me and this guy's conversations are getting more serious on the friendship level. I told my friend me and this guy are also having dinner next week.

    Today my "friend" sends me a text message saying that he saw "my" guy at the gym and that they are going out next week. Honestly I don't understand why a gay guy would think of that as being funny. My "friend" has been downplaying everything I say about this other guy like I'm an idiot for even being interested in a guy that I don't specifically know as gay. To waste my breath yet again to explain to him that a friendship is also a relationship that I cherish would be a waste of time. My friend is over 50 yrs old and is over twenty years older than this guy, so I don't literally think he has a date with him, but then again he might have tried to chat him up today at the gym. This friend has also meddled in the past with guys that I find interesting at the gym...just getting weary at this point.

    Why is it that some gay guys are so fucktarded that they actually think joking about going after someone else's bf, partner, person of interest, etc, is the least bit funny? I assure you our mutual friends would not think it's funny at all, and one of them chastised my gay friend just last night about his attitude about my new interest.
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    Jan 31, 2011 4:21 AM GMT
    I'd punch your gay friend in the face. I really would. What a fucking idiot. He didn't even ASK you he just went ahead like a fucking sex-in-the-slutty cunt and stole your relationship investment guy.
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    Jan 31, 2011 4:24 AM GMT
    Sounds like a bad gay 'friend' you have there. I would dissasociate myself from him, sounds like a prick.

    Either way, if you don't find out if your new interest is interested back, then you have no real claim to him. Maybe you can ask him out somewhere socially (covert date ;), and find out if there is a spark, or if it is only in your head at this point. Ask him (in a round-about-way if you're unsure of his reaction to you being gay, or him being gay, i'm sure he will pick up on the hint if it's clear enough).
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    Jan 31, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    Hmm you are in a predicament. I can say however that your other friend, the one pushing fifty is kind of shady...if hes actually going to go out with the guy after you told him your interested and things might be developing. When you think of it..hes kind of a cad especially since hes done it before. Why are you really friends with such a person? I can def say that in the gay world unfortunately where guys are concerned....you will find a friend who will deliberately go after a guy their friend is interested in. Its this sense of entitlement which comes attached with the gay male ego. You hinted that at first you didn't want to let this friend find out..and within good reason as you already predicted what he would have done. So again...why be friends with him? I would count this individual as a lost...just end the friendship with "that one". And totally forget the other guy as well..but then again you cant as you two are business wise tangled...so ...just keep it friendly between the two of you...for the sake of your career. It had gotten too messy already for you to continue trying anything with this other gent. Just keep it friendly and end this supposedly friendship with the one pushing 60. icon_twisted.gif
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    Jan 31, 2011 4:33 AM GMT
    You sound jealous/clingy.

    The man gets to pick who he hangs out with. Hes not "yours"...
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2011 4:33 AM GMT
    _Sage_ saidSounds like a bad gay 'friend' you have there. I would dissasociate myself from him, sounds like a prick.

    Either way, if you don't find out if your new interest is interested back, then you have no real claim to him. Maybe you can ask him out somewhere, and find out if there is a spark, or if it is only in your head at this point. Ask him (in a round-about-way if you're unsure of his reaction to you being gay, or him being gay, i'm sure he will pick up on the hint if it's clear enough).



    You're right, I don't have any claim on the new guy, one way or the other. If he is straight I still am very interested in him as a friendship. The new guy can see and do anything and anyone he wants, we are far from having any kind of commitment.

    But to have a friend try to go after him, or meddle in it, is to me, beyond creepy. I sincerely hope my single friends find a guy that they can be interested in and give nothing but support when they find someone. I had a very critical role in my "friend"s last ltr where the other guy literally stated that if it wasn't for me, he would not have given my "friend" another chance. Still can't figure out why a gay guy would think it funny to joke about stealing anyone's bf, person of interest, etc.
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    Jan 31, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    5ebastian said
    Celticmusl saidMy friend is over 50 yrs old and is over twenty years older than this guy


    Theres your answer. There is no competition... although I think its wishful thinking on your part. Please dont get mad, but if you've been crushing on this guy for a year and nothing has happend... it probably won't.


    God forbid someone establishes a friendship with someone before trying to turn it into a relationship.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2011 4:45 AM GMT
    mnboy saidYou sound jealous/clingy.

    The man gets to pick who he hangs out with. Hes not "yours"...



    True, but most people will say a real friend would never do something like this. I doubt if I would have any gay friends at all if I started going after my friend's BFs or persons of interest.

    So I guess you're saying you would go after a guy, even though you know a friend of yours is interested in him and has plans with the other guy.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2011 4:52 AM GMT
    tereseus1 saidHmm you are in a predicament. I can say however that your other friend, the one pushing fifty is kind of shady...if hes actually going to go out with the guy after you told him your interested and things might be developing. When you think of it..hes kind of a cad especially since hes done it before. Why are you really friends with such a person? I can def say that in the gay world unfortunately where guys are concerned....you will find a friend who will deliberately go after a guy their friend is interested in. Its this sense of entitlement which comes attached with the gay male ego. You hinted that at first you didn't want to let this friend find out..and within good reason as you already predicted what he would have done. So again...why be friends with him? I would count this individual as a lost...just end the friendship with "that one". And totally forget the other guy as well..but then again you cant as you two are business wise tangled...so ...just keep it friendly between the two of you...for the sake of your career. It had gotten too messy already for you to continue trying anything with this other gent. Just keep it friendly and end this supposedly friendship with the one pushing 60. icon_twisted.gif



    Lol, I think I might have to. It's hard finding decent gay friends and I've considered myself lucky in that respect in the past.
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    Jan 31, 2011 5:05 AM GMT
    lol, in my experience it has nothing to do with being gay but everything to do with being tacky for fun. The lulz or whatever. The friend you confided in didn't see the magnitude of growing interest and respect it.

    I see this often in straight venues. It's not restricted to romantic interests, either. I was in the process of publishing and a gal I knew I confided in. I told her the plot line. She piped up a couple of days later she was going to publish after writing a story using what I'd told her.

    Waa-Waaah *trumpet noise*


    If he really did arrange a meet up with this guy, now you'll find out who the guy you like, likes. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2011 5:07 AM GMT
    Sorry guys, I'm gonna pull this topic after a bit. Just really kind of disappointed in my friend's behavior and my anger is really turning more into just being sad about the whole thing. Yeah, I feel kinda hurt that a friend would do something like this. I know if I or my other friends will try to talk to my "friend" about it he will just act like we are all over-reacting about just a joke.

    I just don't think airing it out here is the right thing to do so I appreciate the feedback I've gotten. Thanks guys.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2011 5:12 AM GMT
    meninlove said lol, in my experience it has nothing to do with being gay but everything to do with being tacky for fun. The lulz or whatever. The friend you confided in didn't see the magnitude of growing interest and respect it.

    I see this often in straight venues. It's not restricted to romantic interests, either. I was in the process of publishing and a gal I knew I confided in. I told her the plot line. She piped up a couple of days later she was going to publish after writing a story using what I'd told her.

    Waa-Waaah *trumpet noise*


    If he really did arrange a meet up with this guy, now you'll find out who the guy you like, likes. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug


    Thanks Doug. I do know the other guy likes me, he has told me as much. There's a lot of info that I didn't put into this post, and I'm feeling I need to be respectful and discreet for all parties involved, so I'm gonna pull the plug tonight on this subject. But I do appreciate the input.
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    Jan 31, 2011 5:20 AM GMT

    icon_wink.gif
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2011 5:24 AM GMT
    Uh oh....just tried to delete the topic....it's not deleting...... Ugh...the system sez it has more than one reply so I can't delete it....I had no idea.
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    Jan 31, 2011 5:29 AM GMT
    Celticmusl saidUh oh....just tried to delete the topic....it's not deleting...... Ugh...the system sez it has more than one reply so I can't delete it....I had no idea.

    Yup, welcome to the new RJ. Some idiots complained that they don't like when their novels are deleted in flame-war threads. So now when you make a thread which you later regret, you can no longer delete it.
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    Jan 31, 2011 5:33 AM GMT
    Celticmusl saidUh oh....just tried to delete the topic....it's not deleting...... Ugh...the system sez it has more than one reply so I can't delete it....I had no idea.

    Yeah, it's the new sucky system. Just edit your post and delete what you wrote.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2011 5:39 AM GMT
    JAKEBENSON said
    Celticmusl saidUh oh....just tried to delete the topic....it's not deleting...... Ugh...the system sez it has more than one reply so I can't delete it....I had no idea.

    Yup, welcome to the new RJ. Some idiots complained that they don't like when their novels are deleted in flame-war threads. So now when you make a thread which you later regret, you can no longer delete it.



    That's too bad.

    I didn't use anyone's names and I kind of changed the scenario a bit from real life, so no one will sue, lol.


    Just kinda sad about the whole thing. Before that stupid text from my friend I was in a pretty good mood about everything going on. Now even if things don't turn out right with this new guy, I'm going to blame my "friend" even if he didn't do anything. And, if things actually work out, I'm gonna keep my new relationship away from this "friend" because now I don't trust him much.
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    Jan 31, 2011 5:47 AM GMT
    your "friend" sounds like he as interest in you that he is manifesting in a very juvenile way. It's analogous to the little boy that punches the girl in the arm because he is interested in her. I think your "friend" needs to grow up and start acting like a mature adult.
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    Jan 31, 2011 6:53 AM GMT
    I think the best policy is generally not discuss relationships or friendships in any detail with third parties unless things are completely unambiguous. In the case of this so-called friend, you know now to discuss very little with him in the future.
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    Jan 31, 2011 6:54 AM GMT
    First thing first.... He is not your friend.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jan 31, 2011 7:43 AM GMT
    Exactly.
    He's not your friend.

    It sounds as if he has low self esteem, and needs to pretend that he's popular.
    He also seems to need to drag down anybody who IS happy.

    I think that you'd be wise to cut him loose.
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    Jan 31, 2011 11:06 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidYeah...he's a total fucktard. Surely you can do better in Cleveland, can't you? --You always seem like such a nice guy on here...I'm presuming you don't smell bad or have Turrets?

    And just what BITCH! hell is wrong with Turrets?

    Distance yourself a little from your "friend." Don't need to have an all out war and hard feelings (especially when you have to see him.) Just slowly confide a little less and leave more distance than you otherwise would. Oh, and working his way into a "Turrets" style curse-a-thon in the privacy of your own home, behind closed doors might help a little.icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 31, 2011 12:40 PM GMT
    I realized a long long time ago that in this date in age there is no longer such a thing as a trusting friend one can confide on, with the exception of my own siblings and my own mother. In my own personal experience the worse kind of confidants are gay men, followed by co-workers, and last the few friends I have choosen to have!

    Dear Celtic I had a similar situation with a gay friend several years ago, so I can understand your disgust! every guy I'ved dated at the time somehow he also dated them and some he slept with without my knowledge, until of course I found out through my nosy other friends! so that is why nowadays I have learned to keep my mouth shut and keep my love life private.


    Leandro ♥
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Jan 31, 2011 12:54 PM GMT
    Celticmusl said
    mnboy saidYou sound jealous/clingy.

    The man gets to pick who he hangs out with. Hes not "yours"...



    True, but most people will say a real friend would never do something like this. I doubt if I would have any gay friends at all if I started going after my friend's BFs or persons of interest.

    So I guess you're saying you would go after a guy, even though you know a friend of yours is interested in him and has plans with the other guy.


    There is your answer, he is not a real friend if he really did this...
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    Jan 31, 2011 1:28 PM GMT
    If your 50-ish friend keeps meddling in your friendships, why did you tell him about this guy? Seems to me, you need to learn to be more discreet around him and keep your mouth shut. How many times do you have to shoot yourself in the foot before you realize this?