Being Told That You're a Racial Exception. Compliment or Offensive?

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    Jan 31, 2011 6:11 AM GMT
    So I've gotten a few messages from people on Grindr and some on here as well about being a racial exception. What this means is that they would say things like "Hi, I like your profile and pics. I normally not into asians but youre hot." or they would implicitly state in their profiles things like "prefer white/latino" or "white+++ black ++++" or "latinos/blacks only!" yet still message me (notice how I mixed it up because it is done by all ethnicities). When I confront them they would respond with something like "well, rules are meant to be broken" or "there are exceptions".

    I try to find this to be flattering but is it really? I have no problem looking Asian so when you tell me i am an exception, what does that mean? I dont try to look not asian. Also, what impression do these people have of asians that would make them accepting of only exceptions? Would you be offended if someone is attracted to you but states that they aren't interested in other people in your ethnicity group? I do get hurt when someone implicitly state things like "no asians" and literally have no interest in any Asian but thats their preference so be it. But its different when they state that preference but still get in contact with you. It makes me think maybe they aren't that of a jerk but I am still hurt. How else has experience this and what are your thoughts?
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    Jan 31, 2011 6:28 AM GMT
    Not that I've ever been through this but personally I would be very offended and say something like usualy I like dicks but your the exeption
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    Jan 31, 2011 6:31 AM GMT
    I've dealth with this all my life and one day I decided I was not going to deal with it anymore. On here, they don't get answered and in public, they are told that is a pretty shallow thing to say, even if they mean well. It would be no different than me telling my best friend that I don't go for bald guys, but I would break the rules for him cause he is hot. Ridiculous.

    (Note: While my best friend does have a shaved head, his head is not what makes him hot. And I have yet to see an unattractive shaved head guy.)
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    Jan 31, 2011 6:33 AM GMT
    I find it more condescending than flattering. Although I would probably be polite in my response. There's no point in reinforcing whatever negative stereotypes they already have.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jan 31, 2011 6:34 AM GMT
    When people have contacted me about meeting and I see in their profiles that other races are their preference, I think to myself they must be getting desperate as they have probably been turned down by guys who are their preference. I know that's not the case, but it's a humorous way of looking at it.

    I don't blame someone for being attracted to who they're attracted to. I cannot explain attraction, and I let it be. But if I know the guy has a preference for others, I don't meet them and don't even bother to respond to their e-mail. I figure they will be a lot happier meeting someone who fits their criteria of an ideal mate.

  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Jan 31, 2011 6:37 AM GMT


    I think that people go along the assumption that, for example. asians tend to be paler, and thinner. You, being tanned and built (lord are you hot icon_razz.gif) break that mould for them. I get told im attractive for a jew all the time.

    I take it as a backhanded compliment, they don't mean it the way they say it, it's jsut the first thing that comes to mind.
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    Jan 31, 2011 6:44 AM GMT
    I understand where you are coming from, and find it a huge turn-off. I have heard that all my life (mainly with it being that I am articulate; therefore, not like them.)

    You are a gorgeous guy. Not being attracted to you would suggest that the guy get his head examined.
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    Jan 31, 2011 6:47 AM GMT
    Like you, it bothers me when I read here or any where that someone within the gay community feels it necessary to stipulate their preference. I hate such an option exists. Though, on the other hand, there's no getting around the fact that people have their preferences, right?

    I guess for me it's more an issue that I, admittedly, live in this idea world (if only in my head) where everyone, but especially the one community that seems presently to be fighting hard to be recognized as human beings with the same basic rights as all other human beings, only for we who are fighting for such a cause to be too often ...well, seemingly prejudiced toward one another.

    As you say, it's sad.

    Then, again, it happens within all groups, from African American (dark skinned vs. light skinned), Latino (one region opposed to another region i.e. Mexicans are often considered "dirty" vs. Spaniards perhaps), Asians (similar to the Latin situation). Then there is the whole economic class structure and on and on it goes.

    It could be said that everyone, gay or straight, fails to give the "other" the opportunity to prove us wrong, to show us that our often asinine assumptions about each other are wrong. In turn, I think, while we might get our rights, we miss out on a lot from one another and in many cases we never grow past what we think "must be true" about the "other". In this way, we're dumb.

    But, let's be honest the gay community, on the whole, is pretty damn shallow in general. We rarely look past the surface of things or each other. It takes too much effort and we're all too interested in trying to impress. It's why we're here, right?

    We each have to be intentional about over coming the stereotypes and absolute bullshit. That goes for hetero and homo alike. Otherwise, as the human race is concerned, we're fucked.

    Keep your head up.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jan 31, 2011 7:49 AM GMT
    Take compliments where you can get them.
    Many, if not most of us, have particular preferences which rule out certain races, ages, body types, muscularity, and on, and on. But, we have all found exceptions to our rules.

    If a company tells you that they usually never hire people with no experience, but they liked your resume, and they liked your interview, and they have decided to hire you, would you take that as an insult or a compliment ?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2011 8:15 AM GMT
    You´re Asian? When did this happen? Why didn´t you tell me?

    The Asian lifestyle is a choice that my god doesn´t approve of. I feel the need to condemn you yet feel awkward about it and say it´s only your lifestyle choice that I am hating, and not you.

    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jan 31, 2011 9:28 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidSo I've gotten a few messages from people on Grindr and some on here as well about being a racial exception. What this means is that they would say things like "Hi, I like your profile and pics. I normally not into asians but youre hot." or they would implicitly state in their profiles things like "prefer white/latino" or "white+++ black ++++" or "latinos/blacks only!" yet still message me (notice how I mixed it up because it is done by all ethnicities). When I confront them they would respond with something like "well, rules are meant to be broken" or "there are exceptions".

    I try to find this to be flattering but is it really? I have no problem looking Asian so when you tell me i am an exception, what does that mean? I dont try to look not asian. Also, what impression do these people have of asians that would make them accepting of only exceptions? Would you be offended if someone is attracted to you but states that they aren't interested in other people in your ethnicity group? I do get hurt when someone implicitly state things like "no asians" and literally have no interest in any Asian but thats their preference so be it. But its different when they state that preference but still get in contact with you. It makes me think maybe they aren't that of a jerk but I am still hurt. How else has experience this and what are your thoughts?


    Ive never used "for an asian" but I AM guilty of looking at your photos (yours and bcpm's and smarthandsome's and others) and thinking, "that is one cute ass asian man." And then I mentally smack myself and think, "duke, that is a cute ass MAN, regardless of race."

    I dont know why I do that. Whatever the reason, I mean no harm or disrespect....
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    Jan 31, 2011 11:14 AM GMT
    Keep in mind that these are people who do not know you at all. they are likely not judging your "being Asian" but rather your physical appearance. You can take it as a insult to your ethnicity, or you could take it as somebody saying that they "usually" don't like red heads, guys with blue eyes or guys who are too muscular / too skinny but that they do like the way YOU look.

    Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much. They meant the remark to be flattering and instead it came off as ignorant. Take it as the compliment that they meant for it to be and decide whether or not you care to move on with any relationship based on the rest of the message and take from there.
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    Jan 31, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    This has happened to me, though only since I've moved to South Florida.

    Example

    "You know, Nate, you're not like all the other Jewish guys I know...you know not pushy, concerned with money, jobs, etc."

    The first few times my jaw dropped, thinking they must have lost their minds, but then I recovered and told them they exceeded my expectations of white trash. LOL
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Jan 31, 2011 12:16 PM GMT
    It's because those people think Asians are
    - thin
    - whiney
    - wears specs
    - buck toothed
    - bad drivers
    etc etc.

    If I get compliment from people who say such things as:
    "I don't usually...., but..."
    "You are an exception"

    I get a slightly bad taste. But people are people, some of them can't help it.
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    Jan 31, 2011 12:51 PM GMT
    I can totally understand why you are annoyed by it, even though I know it's definitely not meant maliciously as I understand where they are coming from. I am not particularly attracted to black men for example, but every so often one catches my eye that I do find attractive so they would be an exception - I just wouldn't be tactless enough to actually tell them. There's no need - if they find you hot, they should just say you're hot, not "you're hot even though you're X Y or Z and I don't usually find X Y or Z hot."

    A lot of people don't realise that what goes on in your head shouldn't just come out of your mouth unedited.

    P.s. you're hot.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Jan 31, 2011 12:57 PM GMT
    Pure saidI can totally understand why you are annoyed by it, even though I know it's definitely not meant maliciously as I understand where they are coming from. I am not particularly attracted to black men for example, but every so often one catches my eye that I do find attractive so they would be an exception - I just wouldn't be tactless enough to actually tell them. There's no need - if they find you hot, they should just say you're hot, not "you're hot even though you're X Y or Z and I don't usually find X Y or Z hot."

    A lot of people don't realise that what goes on in your head shouldn't just come out of your mouth unedited.

    P.s. you're hot.


    You are right - it's the same kind of thing people find slight off such as:
    "You are looking pretty good FOR YOUR AGE."

    Tactless is the key word here.
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    Jan 31, 2011 1:35 PM GMT
    Vancouverite2004 saidI find it more condescending than flattering. Although I would probably be polite in my response. There's no point in reinforcing whatever negative stereotypes they already have.


    good point.

    I've had a somewhat different experience than the OP.
    I'm not your typical scandinavian looking guy (though my family is all danish for as many generations I know of), and I sometimes get asked by other people in Denmark "where are you from?". They expect I have a latin or middle eastern background, so I always answer with the city I grew up in Denmark and they get a weird look on their face icon_lol.gif

    I get it a lot from people with ethnic background, which doesn't bother me as much as it amuses me, cos it's like they're curious if I share the same background as them.

    when white danish people ask me though, it feels a little bit different... like why do they care about my ethnicity???
    In that case I give a sarcastic, absurd answer like "I'm Chinese, can't you tell?"
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 31, 2011 1:39 PM GMT
    It tells me I shouldn't be talking to the prick who made the comment.

    I wouldn't make an "exception" when it comes to him. He might think that, we are think things we don't say, but to share that somehow he thinks of you as an example.. that he likes you (but apparently doesn't like other members of your race) is not the way I'd ever start a conversation.
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    Jan 31, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    As a rule, I dont respond well to people who say, "No Asian/Black/Latin/Whatever other minority" in their profiles. Its lame and ugly.

    People can have their personal preferences without being offensive and ignorant. And clearly if they are making "exceptions" they shouldn't have those words on their profiles.

    As another rule, I hardly expect much from people besides ignorance. lol. Sad state of affairs, but it helps keep me from being too disappointed.
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    Jan 31, 2011 2:24 PM GMT
    its so nice speaking with an African American and not having to clutch my wallet. your really leading ur people! ur like Obama!
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    Jan 31, 2011 2:41 PM GMT
    This situation can turn into something racist fast but not always. Obviously guys have preferences. Tall, short, curly hair, ripped, skinny ect...

    And that extends to race some guys prefer one race over another, not necessarily racist but a preference. Though I understand where your coming from when guys put "only blacks, white, latinos" or whatever on there prof.
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    Jan 31, 2011 2:53 PM GMT
    Bigsmiles said"You know, Nate, you're not like all the other Jewish guys I know...you know not pushy, concerned with money, jobs, etc."

    The first few times my jaw dropped, thinking they must have lost their minds, but then I recovered and told them they exceeded my expectations of white trash. LOL

    LOL! Good for you! But I wonder how they learn you're Jewish? Perhaps from your name? I've never had nor wanted that "talent" to guess people's background by their name.

    I'm always amused to find out a friend is Jewish whom I've known for some time, reminding me how uninterested I am in such things, unless they wanna mention it directly or indirectly. I certainly never ask. My only thought is "I hope I haven't been sending him the wrong holiday greeting card!"

    For some reason people often think I'm Jewish myself, which I'm not, and I've received Hanukkah cards instead of Christmas. One time a junior Sergeant in my office gave me one (our Army custom was to all exchange holiday cards among the ranks), and I asked him, without reprimand, why he thought I was Jewish.

    He answered that he understood I came from New York City. I answered it wasn't really NYC but just outside it, still yes, nearby in that metro area.

    "Well, sir?" he replied in turn. "Well, what?" "You come from New York, sir." "So?"

    We went around for a bit like that, it becoming obvious he thought all New Yorkers are Jewish. Plus I have an unusual last name for the South, where he was raised, and apparently have what he felt are Jewish "features." (Actually I'm mostly Dutch, Irish, and Czech)

    It was all I could do to keep from laughing at him, but I wouldn't do that to a subordinate, and ended by thanking him again for his card, and reassuring him that it was appreciated, that I was grateful to receive any holiday greeting. But it does make you wonder about the notions some people hold.
  • Iakona

    Posts: 367

    Jan 31, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    Yeah I have been told this a few times as well.....It's a bit of a back handed compliment.....they don't realize that it can be taken as racial.... I just try to give them the benefit of the doubt.... Now if they make another racial comment, I just back hand them.....lol.....
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Jan 31, 2011 3:08 PM GMT
    I say don't worry about it. Consider the source where it came from and move on.

    But on this site ... EVERYONE WILL DWELL ON IT! icon_rolleyes.gificon_twisted.gif
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    Jan 31, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    People tell me I dance like shit...even for a white guy.