How do you tell someone they're creepy without being rude?

  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jun 20, 2007 3:04 AM GMT
    Within the last two days, a TON of people who I havent seen in years have come back into my life.

    One of these is a guy who has always been nice, is also extremely creepy. When I say creepy, I mean, telling everyone he sees (my friends, his friends, etc.) that he's in love with me and he thinks I like him. That causes problems because when it happened before, a guy I was actually starting to see stopped talking to me because he thought I wasn't interested. Creepy guy did all sorts of weird things, like bringing a rose into my work and leaving it with a manager to give to me. Oh yeah, all these examples are from before he disappeared for like 2 years.

    So suddenly, this evening, I get a phonecall from a girl( I honestly dont even know who she was ) telling me she works with creepy guy and he wants to get back in touch.

    I don't want to be an asshole.... I know that sounds ridiculous but I have an extremely hard time being mean to people unless they really, and I mean REALLY piss me off. So how do I handle this? If I ignore him, he'll keep finding ways to get ahold of me (or least thats what happened in the past)

    Any advice?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2007 3:57 AM GMT
    That sounds like stalking behavior to me.

    Why not just tell him that he's got to move on? Being too nice may encourage him.

    If he doesn't take that hint, I would be firmer with him.

    Also, I would have asked the girl who phoned for in "...hey, he's a real nice guy, but I am just do not have time for new friends now, and certainly not a new boyfriend. Can you let him know that?..."

    I see his behavior eventually resulting in you having to call the cops, if you don't stop it now.

  • atxclimber

    Posts: 480

    Jun 20, 2007 4:19 AM GMT
    I know exactly what you mean by having a hard time being "mean" to people unless they really piss you off -- I am still definitely like that, but am working my way out of that hole.

    For me, that was a big problem. It was really just that I was afraid of conflict and avoided situations that made uncomfortable or made others uncomfortable, even when those situations -- like now, in this case -- were actually the compassionate thing to do. You need to tell this guy how you feel, because it's apparent he's not going to stop otherwise.

    In some sense, avoiding that awkward conversation is actually selfish, because you're basically eschewing compassion and not doing the right thing so you can avoid some discomfort.

    I bet the "... unless they really piss me off" part is common, too, because I do the same thing. I think it's a crutch -- it's easy to let yourself be brutally honest with someone once you've lost your temper and flipped that switch, but at that point you aren't being measured and thoughtful, you're just spewing out hurtful words, so that's not responsible either.

    Fight the urge to avoid him! Have a friend pretend to be Creepy Guy and rehearse your conversation with him. Be firm, but kind. Be straightforward and honest, don't mince words, but don't go out of your way to be hurtful. Just let him know that his behavior is inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable, and that you aren't interested in a relationship with him.

    It's not just the "right thing," it's also the compassionate and strong thing to do. You can do it! Plus, once you do it, you'll probably feel kind of queasy from the discomfort, but once that passes you might feel pretty good about yourself for doing it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2007 5:18 AM GMT
    mcwclewis, atxclimber is exactly right. There is nothing wrong in taking care of yourself and if this guy makes you uncomfortable, the you have every right to make that fact known to him. You can't control other peoples reactions to you. All you can do is do what feels right to you and know that that's enough. If he get's pissed off or stalks you and tries to make your life miserable, cross that bridge if you get to it and once again, do what you need to to take care of yourself. Most people think it's a bad thing to put yourself first but if you do that and treat yourself the way you'd like others to treat you, then you'll draw that to yourself and find that it's easier to help and reach out to people when you are already taken care of!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2007 6:10 AM GMT
    When he talks to you tell him you don't care for him that way, and that he makes you uncomfortable. Look serious when you tell him.

    Also keep a ktonk under your bed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2007 2:04 PM GMT
    i'm the same way when it comes to telling people how i feel, like them or not. sometimes the best thing to do is to be straight forward and tell them. people like that don't take subtle hints. i have had to tell people that i'm not interested, but i have not had enough balls to tell someone that i am into them. lol. small steps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2007 5:18 PM GMT

    Dude this is about your safety and well-being.
    You need to put as much distance between him and you.

    This is a huge RED-FLAG! You need to him that you are not interested and will never be. You may want to change your numbers, I know it's a hassel but you got to do it. You may even want to screen your calls at work. Does your phone have caller-ID most businesses have that feature now.

    If after two years of not seeing you and he is still coming at you like this. "He's STALKER MATERIAL". You need to take the proper precuations to protect yourself.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2007 6:18 PM GMT
    Sometimes you gotta be mean. It doesn't mean you have to tear him down to the point of tears, but you shouldn't accept that behavior. If you have a hard time doing it just remind yourself how much it bothered you the 1st time. It might make it easier.
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jun 20, 2007 8:32 PM GMT
    Thanks guys.

    I do have a habit of ignoring obviously serious warning signs.

    The last guy that I had a problem with is in jail for having sex with something like 10 kids between the ages of 14 and 16. For some reason there are a lot of slithy people in CNY and they all tend to gravitate towards me.

    I just hope that being firm with him works.

    I wont avoid him, but Im going to make it as brief and to the point as possible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 20, 2007 8:51 PM GMT
    There is nothing wrong with avoiding this guy.

    That is what ypou should do if you don't travel in the same circles.

    The no CONTACT RULE was invented for a reason to keep a person safe.

    This guy sounds a tad unstable and unpredictable.

    Just tell him "THANKS,BUT NO THANKS and leave it at that.

    Tell your mutal friends and none mutal friends, that you do not want to get any more messages from this guy period!

    Any thing short of that you are sending a mix-message and then things could get ugly if he SNAPS!

    Trust me that could happen.

    Good Luck!

  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jun 21, 2007 4:39 AM GMT
    Have to agree with Phoenix on this one.

    Avoid this guy and have no contact with him whatsoever. He seems the sort that will interpret any friendliness from you as a sign that you're interested.

    Best blanking him and hopefully then he will get the hint.

    I hope it turns out ok.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 22, 2007 5:06 AM GMT
    Leaving a rose with your manager is way out of line. Even a boyfriend should not do things like that unless you have told him that it's OK.

    Fortunately, I have never had this sort of problem, but a close friend has. His stalker eventually caused him to have to get a restraining order. I'd tell the guy something like this, in writing:

    "I am not interested in you. I am not going to get into a discussion about why, or say that there is anything wrong with you, or that you are unattractive, because that's not the issue. I am simple not interested in being ina relationship with you, or even talking to you, so you need to stop pursuing me, and find someone else who IS interested in you. You are too important to waste your time and attention on someone who will never like you, and that's what you are doing with me. Please do not reply to this letter or contact me again"

    If he did contact me afterwards, I'd get a restraining order (it's easy to do here, you just swear out a warrant with a magistrate that the person is harassing you, and you agree not to contact them)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 22, 2007 7:40 PM GMT
    dude... man up and tell the guy he is creepin you out. dont make a scene or a spectacle of the guy just pull him aside in a friendly manner and say Dude, you kind of creep me out. honesty is the best and only solution to solving most problems. also, its apparent he doesnt creep you out that much if you have made no NONVERBAL signals/communication indicating you are creeped out... so whats the real problem at hand.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 23, 2007 5:56 AM GMT
    Your problem, I suspect, is simply that you're too nice (and probably too patient). If his actions persist, do what others in this forum have suggested: GET a RESTRAINING ORDER.

    That's what they're for.

    Don't wait until this "admirer" loses his last marble and inficts harm on you!
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jun 24, 2007 12:13 AM GMT
    I just found out today who it was that had made the call, it was the girlfriend of a guy I work with...

    I also found out that creepy guy is now telling everyone that we dated in high school..... I havent even had a chance to talk to this kid to tell him to knock it off. AH!

    If he does keep it up, and picks up on his old habits of chasing me around and whatnot, I will get a restraining order... but right now the only communication hes had with me since the time I hadnt seen him is through other people. As it stands he doesnt have my new number or know where I live, as far as I know.

    Well, thanks again everyone for the advise. Hopefully, I can just tell the girl to tell him to stop. I doubt it will work but long as she doesn't let him get my number or address I think I should be fine.

    klf5222: Im not sure what you mean by nonverbal signs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 24, 2007 1:50 AM GMT
    I was in a similar situation last year.

    When I worked at Walt Disney World, this puerto rican guy named Ricky worked in the same building as I. For the first few months, we mostly smiled at one another as we passed, but didn't talk much more than that. During the last month of our internship, we started talking a little bit more and went on a few dates, though I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything more since we would be leaving soon. At the time, I actually thought he was pretty cute, and he was fun to hang around.

    However, he was already a bit clingy--asking my co-workers when and where I'd be working, calling me constantly and waiting for me to get off work (now that I think about it, I'm not sure how he knew when I would get off . .). During that month, he got fired--we lived in Disney-owned housing, and they found alcohol in his apartment (a no-no for minors, and he was 4 days away from his birthday). I told him goodbye and he gave me his nametag to remember him by--it was actually a bit sweet, although I already knew he was too incredibly clingy. However, I figured I would be nice since he would be returning to Puerto Rico within a few days anyway.

    His parents came in to town to try to convince the company to hire him back, so while he was having dinner with his Mom, he decided to tell her he was gay. She didn't take it well, and he fought with her, in addition to telling her he loved me. He told them he wouldn't go back to Puerto Rico with them and that he was staying here to be with me. He told me this and I told him we couldn't be together--could never be together, and that he had to make up with his family. He refused to apologize to them, and refused to accept the fact I wouldn't be with him. I stopped taking his calls at that point, and soon he started calling my landline, which I had never even known the number to, so I told my roommates that if anyone ever called for me, tell them I wasn't home.

    Fired cast members (as Disney calls their employees) are not supposed to return to the apartment complex, and it is enforced since it is a gated community. However, that didn't stop him. One night, Ricky called my cell phone, and I ignored it (it was second nature at that point). Our landline rang and my roommate and I ignored that as well. Two minutes later there was a knock at our front door. We planned to ignore it, but through it he yelled "I know your bedroom light is on, I know you're there! I'm not leaving!" I ran into my roommate's room while my roommate (Caleb) opened the door and told him I wasn't home. Ricky rushed into the apartment and demanded I see him, and that he would wait for me to come home. Caleb told him I wouldn't be home, and the two of them argued for 10 minutes about the fact Ricky couldn't stay and wait for me. He even asked to use our phone and called the apartment of a friend of mine's to see if I was there. Caleb told him he was leaving and forced Ricky out, and I turned off the lights in the apartment and laid in bed that night, wondering how Ricky had gone from a fun and cute guy to an ambivalent, forceful stalker.

    Aside from some text messages in Spanish, I haven't heard from him since, and I believe it was the combination of my ignoring him and the help of my roommate. I am lucky Ricky didn't do anything more or worse, and that my friends at work (who all knew who he was before this all happened) wouldn't give out information on me.

    While it's hard to tell someone they are creepy and have crossed boundaries without being rude, it is what must be done. If you think talking to him is the right thing, you have to be upfront about the fact you don't like him, and hate how he has forced himself into your life in the past and is trying to do it again. If you are nice about it, he will keep coming back, because you are giving in and showing pity for him. Having the support of others--your friends, and the people who he is using as mediums to get in contact with you--is important, because he will not only see that other people believing what he is doing is wrong, but also that it would be embarrassing for him to continue. Otherwise, outright ignoring him--and saying "NO" if someone asks whether he can get in contact with you. It is much more powerful to be ignored than to be given negative attention.

    Good luck with it--let us know what you choose to do!
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jun 24, 2007 6:57 AM GMT
    Sorry you had to go through that. I hope all is well with you.

    I feel like everyone I meet has a ridiculous side to them.

    A guy Ive liked for about two years came out to play beerpong tonight. Hes "straight" but cuddles with me all the time. I know that he likes me, so does everyone else in the world. He made it blatantly obvious tonight.

    My friend caught him trying to steal from the kid who owned the house......

    Ive given up on trust, everyone lies to me. Just last night I had kids try to steal from me. MY birthday party, we let them drink for free, and they tried to steal from me.

    Its nonstop. Is it just the town I live in? Or are people idiots everywhere?
  • diver84

    Posts: 1

    Jun 25, 2007 12:55 AM GMT
    Thats really funny, I used to have a "straight" friend who liked to cuddle with me who was also a theif. Maybe people are just fucked up everywhere
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 25, 2007 3:33 AM GMT
    See you sit him down, and say "Got off the hell away from you creepy mother fcuker!' Ok maybe that not that dramatic. Tell him you are not interested in him and you don't really even enjoy his company. it will be hard and hurtful but I've found honesty with these cases are best
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 25, 2007 1:20 PM GMT
    "Thats really funny, I used to have a "straight" friend who liked to cuddle with me who was also a theif. Maybe people are just fucked up everywhere"

    I've noticed that closeted straightness and kleptomania tend to go together. Anyone else noticed that?
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jun 25, 2007 6:12 PM GMT
    actually yes,

    the last closet case I met tried to steal money from me, and also smoked crack in my living room.....

    I had never even seen crack.... that was weird..

    Yeah but this last guy, Mr. Theif, not Mr. Creepy, got caught, and justed sent me a text asking if he could use me as a reference at work....

    Why would someone be that dumb?
    "Hey I just stole from your friend, can I get a job with you so I can steal there too?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 25, 2007 7:35 PM GMT
    here's what you say: "you're creepy" I find the truth is always the best option, and I have never been one for finesse when it comes to people that annoy me...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2007 6:14 AM GMT
    make light of the situation with a joke but spell it out clearly in that joke that you really aint interested

    That way he can walk away with his dignity, or what little he has left, intact and yuo will hopefuly be able to sleep at night.

    Hey a stalker/creepy guy can always make ya feel good on a bad day that someone cares :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2007 1:01 PM GMT
    Sometimes you just have to be rude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2007 2:05 PM GMT
    Ok i actually had this problem with a girl once who kept on persuing me even though i kept telling her i'm gay. She thought i would turn or something because of her and she wasn't even pretty. I have been lucky enough not to have Mr. Creepy but i have had the unfortunatepleasure of Ms. Creepy following me to my classes sitting uncomfortably close to me in the cafeteria and even making sure she had the same classes as me while writing me love letters for everyone to find. She also made me feel bad by telling me her not so nice past making me feel guilty. I ended up finally getting rid of her by being unnaturally mean to her, no longer listening, ignoring her existence, and carying on a conversation when she would try to speak with me. She made it hard for me to get a boyfriend as well as made my social life less than it could have been but i fixed that by instead of being nice as i naturally am to almost everybody i made myself seem like a less attractive to her somebody else. I also told her simply. "I don't like you" That sentence seems to work wonders.