Finding The "1"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 6:53 AM GMT
    I am writing this in response to a few chats I have had here. So I will leave out the details.

    They always tell me I am waiting on The "1". I have heard this in my Real life also. But I have learned from experience that there is no The "1". Who you think is perfect is not always perfect and maybe be very far from Perfect.

    I hate to see nice, good looking guys keep themselves from enjoying what is out there because they are waiting on something that maybe not ever be.

    Tell me what you think and tell me what you think a Perfect guys Is.

    Get out an live.
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    Jun 20, 2007 12:53 PM GMT
    I agree totally. I think you shouldnt be looking for a relationship and searching for the guy to fit your bill - you should meet a guy, and then want a relationship with him
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Jun 20, 2007 2:25 PM GMT
    I agree that there is not just "the 1" that will magically make your life complete. For me, there are many possibilities for a guy that I could build a relationship with. It's a matter of kinetic energy first, interest, then as we get to learn about each other, the interest grows to something more, and maybe something more beyond that.

    I don't have an ideal guy; but I do have some things that just won't do, and immediately turn me off. I won't list them here because I might offend someone by being taken out of context.

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    Jun 20, 2007 3:37 PM GMT
    I agree that there isn't the "1" per se. I don't think that that gives everyone the space to go out and do any "1" they want though.

    I think all in all it is about finding someone compatable and someone you love and then deciding to commit, or not commit to a relationship.

    Inevitably the sex will go through cycles just as the personal relationship, but it is the commitment and work that will keep a couple "2" gether.
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    Jun 20, 2007 4:37 PM GMT
    There's a book called "The End of Gay Culture" which is quite amusing and talks about this idea of "Mr.Right" or "The One." In the book (the author's Andrew Harris I believe), it talks about how this idea of an ideal mate was only made possible opening lines of communication and how, funnily enough, does gay men more harm than good because it causes them to exclude many that might be good for them because they don't possess all the qualities that would make them Mr.Right. As I've said before, it should be easy to find "The One" if we're all looking, so something else is going on.

    Make yourself the type of man you want and then stay open for one that's good for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 4:50 PM GMT
    Absolutely . . . life is too short . . . never guaranteed tomorrow. When the right one comes along, it is meant to be.
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    Jun 20, 2007 4:51 PM GMT
    I couldn't agree more with redheadguy. Whether I've met guys online or in the real world, they often have a checklist when it comes to dating. The behavior is far worse online because here we go from hanging in a bar with friends to marketing and advertising ourselves to potential friends, flings, and boyfriends. The former is a social experience. You meet new people, maybe someone catches your eye, etc. The latter, however, is all about shopping. Guys who do a lot of online dating don't really seem interested in getting to know someone in the normal/traditional manner. Instead, they want to compare the new potential Mr. Right to their checklist.

    You only discover that someone is THE ONE after getting to know the person, spending time together, discovering whether or not your goals and values line up, etc. But our community is very superficial, so we tend to dive right in...only to wonder why at some point down the road. I think gay relationships in general would be far more substantive and lasting if we actually took the time to *truly* date before getting all wrapped up in the fantasy of Mr. Right.

    As for "the one", I believe that, if we're lucky (very lucky!), we eventually meet that person who shares one's goals in life, shares one's values, and is generally on the same path. I don't think you can look for it, shop for it online, will it into existence, etc. It just has to happen. And when it does, he's "the one."
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    Jun 20, 2007 4:52 PM GMT

    Well It was not until I read the book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives" that I woke up from a lot of things. It help me overcome a few obstacles in my life.

    Thanks for the replys. Keep them coming. I think this is a great site.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 5:00 PM GMT
    Make yourself the type of man you want and then stay open for one that's good for you./

    Right on! Be the man you want to find. That's the best advice. When you're happy with yourself, following your heart, being true to yourself, etc., you're open to meeting someone who truly complements you.

    And patience is very important too. I find that most gay men are either 1) in a relationship or 2) searching for a relationship. Until you're able to 3) be okay with being alone, you're going to fail in the personal department.
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    Jun 20, 2007 5:02 PM GMT
    Oops. Guess I didn't close the italic tag on that last post. :-) Anyway, meant to quote Jackal69's sage advice in the first line. The rest is me on my soapbox. ;-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 20, 2007 5:04 PM GMT
    Jackal69: "...Make yourself the type of man you want and then stay open for one that's good for you..."

    Exactly. Wonderful advice.

  • dhinkansas

    Posts: 764

    Jun 20, 2007 5:31 PM GMT
    I think the "1" is a myth. You can share a wonderful chemistry with someone...but to hold out for the "1" is totally cheating yourself. When you have that special'll know it. Prince Charming is not waiting at the edge of the forest for you. Only on Sunday night tv and in porn. Then he bangs you and rides off on the horse.

    Just enjoy life.
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    Jun 20, 2007 5:54 PM GMT
    I think the "1" is definately out there and having faith in that helps. However I also beleive that there is more than just 1 "the 1". There are tons of people out there, great people that have the potential to be a great bf or lover or mate but it seems that as we get older we concoct these ideas and checklists as to what this 1 should be and dont leave it open to whom and what it could be. The fear the committment and the potential rejection that something so trivial as the clothes they wear or a strange laugh can turn one person away.

    Also a lot of people, although they want the "1", they are not willing to put in the time and effort to obtain and keep it. A relationship is hard work and it will be tough. But thats what makes it great knowing that someone is there through the good and the bad.

    Anyways I am one of those people that believes I will find a guy that is "the 1" but I know that I wont find him if I dont give him a chance in the first place.
  • imaxim

    Posts: 94

    Jun 20, 2007 6:52 PM GMT
    I appreciated can_duathlete's above comments about more than one potential ideal mate, and about the dangers of weighing ourselves down with our own requirements.

    I think another danger we often run into is trying to fit ourselves into a certain mold that we want a potential mate to see. It seems commonplace to treat people entirely differently depending on whether you see them as a friend, acquaintance, hookup, or potential partner. Deliberately misrepresenting oneself to avoid conflict or rejection only delays problems (or solutions), wasting time for everyone involved.

    One example: Two of my former roommates were HIV+. One of them told the guy he was dating, but not the rest of us. The other told us, but not the guy. Months later, the second couple finally came clean with each other and it turned out they were both positive. Imagine all of the unnecessary anxiety they could have avoided!
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    Jun 20, 2007 7:16 PM GMT
    This is just very interesting...Why do we always have to put two things together-"The 1" and "The perfect guy". They don't belong together. In my opinion, there is no such a thing as "The perfect guy" but I am sure you can find "The 1" who fits in your standard. We just need to figure out what is our priority and what means the most to us in a partnership. To me..."The 1" doesn't have to be dashingly goodlooking but committed & honest. May be for other guys it could be race difference, age difference, intellectual difference, size differece etc. No one could have all the best qualities in one body, we just have to accept that and open our hearts to the possibilities.
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    Jun 23, 2007 8:19 PM GMT
    its nots so much as im looking for the "1" or prince charming, i gave up on that along time ago. but is it so wrong to wish for love? to want company? one night stands are great and all but in the end your home alone and dont even remember whats his name. I want someone i can smile with and laugh with. when im singing in the car and being a goofball i want someone to look to in the passanger seat. i want someone to go on adventures with and and dance with but also someone i can stay home with and cuddle up to a good movie. i want someone who doesnt only give me good head but has a good head with great conversations.i want a connection thats deep and keeps growing not one that last for more then 5 minutes. i want to find perfection in imperfection. whats living with out love?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2007 4:57 AM GMT
    The "1" guy to me means just that you have found a guy that is attractive to you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and that you love and trust them enough to make a commitment. It doesn't mean that they are perfect, or that there are no others who could also be that attractive to you-- just that they are worthy of your devotion, and willing to give you theirs.
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    Jun 24, 2007 5:19 AM GMT
    To get Prince Charming these days you'd have to stab Cinderella, burn sleeping beauty, bottle up Ariel and sell her as merchandise, and drown Jasmine.
    I think what's most important to me is finding a companion who won't just have sex with me for 4 days and then flitter away into oblivion with countless excuses and voice mail responses before I wake up and realize there goes another one. This coming from one of the youngest people on this site, I would say it's really hard to be young and gay. Not that it gets any easier when you're older I assume. I wouldn't know, but being young and gay means you have to segment your life into 3-4 parts. Home, School, Friends, and Gay. The latter two might sometimes mix.
    It's just rather hard to find someone who won't end up using you, but then again maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. I've tried online and I've tried more gay friendly communities but all I've ended up with is clothes that match the carpeting and a packet of magnums that needs to be thrown away.
    So at this point whether you're prince charming or prince idontjustwantyourassiwanttogettoknowyou....I'd definitely invest some time in getting to know that person.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2007 11:49 AM GMT
    After having been in a few long term relationships, I determined after the first, that there's no such thing as 'that 1 perfect guy'. After the last, I realized the requirements list is more based on negatives that I won't accept (addict, financially irresponsible, no want, need or action toward self improvement, etc.)

    This way both can grow together without having to grow exactly the same way.
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    Jun 24, 2007 2:16 PM GMT
    Blive- very well written. I took time out of relationships a couple of years ago because I was simply trying too hard to make things work for the other person.... and in turn forgot all about myself. I set a goal to take a year without relationships, to get to know myself, have fun, and to clear my baggage! I had an absolute blast, became more 'free-spirited' and generally more confident. then a man who i'd met briefly on a big night out, suddenly appeared again and the opportunity presented itself to start dating again. this relationship has now spanned over 20 months, with him being away for work 2 out of every 3 weeks, it has been the most challenging relationship i've ever experienced. I miss him like crazy for 2 weeks, then soak up the time with him for a week. We have had our fair share of ups and downs but at the end of the day, we respect and love each other more and more. he came from the other side of the world and some how found his way into mine. neither of us were looking, nor were we trying to find the '1'. neither of us are perfect for each other, but that's what just makes it so right. we try each others patience sometimes, but we can discuss every situation without raising our voices. a man like this is truly worth keeping, and i can be myself, both when he's with me, and when i'm alone.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jun 24, 2007 4:54 PM GMT
    This is my opinion on this.

    People who say they are waiting for the 1, are fairly clueless. Maybe they watch too much Sex and the City and read too many of those chick lit books.

    The 1 doesn't exist. I believe we have the capacity to have great relationships with a number of people and that throughout our lives we will hopefully meet 1 or 2 of them.

    As we grow older, we hopefully grow wiser and mature, and realise that the Mr Perfect we wanted at the age of 20 doesn't exist and that the men we end up with are not like we imagined at all.

    If you're a guy who is hanging around saving yourself for perfection and the 1, then I would hope you have resigned yourself to a lonely old age.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2007 5:09 PM GMT
    Disney gave many people unrealistic expectations about love.

    "Love the one you're with"

    ps- was anyone else surprised when they found out that the Disney "D" was in fact not a "G"?
  • trebor965

    Posts: 200

    Jun 24, 2007 6:37 PM GMT
    i always thaught that "D" looked fugged. i think your last line at the original post summed it up. when you live, honestly, bravely, live, i feel, you get what you need. challenge the universe, do something crazy, just please dont act like drew barrymore when you do so, it will make you look like an ass. if your not moving your waters are stagnate, shake it up, make some waves. see what the tide drags in.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2007 4:35 PM GMT
    Great comments, guys. I agree. There is no such thing as the perfect guy. I do agree that "The One" for you is out there, but the only way you can find him is to go out and explore the possibilities.

    I also agree that the best way to find the one for you is to be yourself. When you do that and connect with someone, they are connecting with the real you and not some fake personality you put on to attract people.
  • runforyourlif...

    Posts: 154

    Jun 28, 2007 5:41 PM GMT
    Be your own "the 1" and then see what kinds of amazing people you attract into your life!