Is monogamy possible?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2008 10:43 PM GMT
    I'm by no means promoting promiscuity and polygamy for all, but I'm beginning to wonder:

    Is monogamy possible?

    I think monogamy is a social construct and that it kind of goes against the grain of human biology.

    If you think about, humans are biologically wired to spread their seed as far as possible and across as diverse a population as possible. This insures survival.

    Thoughts?
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    Mar 30, 2008 10:47 PM GMT
    Human experience has shown that monogamy is possible.

    those that stray away or cheat on their partners, gay or straight, have acquired different tastes and are no longer interested in what they have.

    I like to link it back to the concept of a person not having enough, always wanting more. More or less of a selfish act from the person.

    I am a firm believer in loyalty, and the way i see it, why would anyone want to cheat on a person if they love them or if they dedicated their time and passion to them?

    Monogamy is possible for sure, but most people want more, never satisfied with what they have, and that i think is the reason why many so-called monogamous relationships fail
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Mar 30, 2008 11:04 PM GMT
    Aaron_Matthew saidI'm by no means promoting promiscuity and polygamy for all, but I'm beginning to wonder:

    Is monogamy possible?

    I think monogamy is a social construct and that it kind of goes against the grain of human biology.

    If you think about, humans are biologically wired to spread their seed as far as possible and across as diverse a population as possible. This insures survival.

    Thoughts?


    Being gay, how are you going to spread your seed and insure survival icon_question.gificon_confused.gif

    Humans will make up any kind of silly excuse to justify their behavior icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2008 11:25 PM GMT
    I don't know. I think it is possible. Straight couples are just as afflicted as we are.

    One theory of mine is, homosexuals don't take monogamous relationships seriously because, still, a good part of the world doesn't take gay relationships seriously. If we're not expected to measure up to something, we're not as likely to.

    I think since a homosexual relationship (a monogamous one) still isn't concretely defined in society because of lack of legal marriage (like a heterosexual monogamous marriage is) that we feel more open to BE open in our relationships. Being in a gay open relationship doesn't look too bad because there's really no more "honorable" type of a relationship to be in. For a straight couple to be in an open relationship, it looks sort of... trashy. It's expected of us, or considered normal... we have little better we can attempt to strive towards.

    Marriage holds people together better, it makes you work through the trials. Do you need it to ensure faithfulness? Nah, but I think it can help.

    Do I believe in monogamy? Sure. Am I worried? Yeah, I don't hold out a lot of hope for truly monogamous guys, I suppose I've been messed with too much.

    Before I ceased repressing myself, I dated 4 girls, each one, unequivocally faithful; they were popular, and could've had any guy they wanted, but they stayed with me. I don't think I could get the same luck with 4 random guys. icon_sad.gif

    Monogamy is possible only as long as there are two people, in love, who want it.

    Just how rare are we? I pose that question...
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 30, 2008 11:27 PM GMT
    Aaron_Matthew saidI'm by no means promoting promiscuity and polygamy for all, but I'm beginning to wonder:

    Is monogamy possible?

    I think monogamy is a social construct and that it kind of goes against the grain of human biology.

    If you think about, humans are biologically wired to spread their seed as far as possible and across as diverse a population as possible. This insures survival.

    Thoughts?


    Human behavior is a social construct. Monogamy is possible.
  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Mar 31, 2008 12:49 AM GMT
    But weith tchnology and more structures of living paired with the said technology which aids in that survival comes modifications.

    Anyway who said humans were predictable? It's quite certain that people who label themselves gay or straight, married or dating cheat all the time so those tendancies and survival instincts still live on today.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2008 12:54 AM GMT
    I may be the exception, but to me it's monogamy or nothing. I couldn't imagine cheating on someone I love, nor would I stay in a relationship with someone who is prone to cheat.

    If I was partnered with someone who had a one-time slip and it was just a physical thing and not emotional, I could forgive and move on. But I could not continue in a relationship with someone who was a serial cheater.

    And I could never cheat on a partner I'm in love with. It's unthinkable to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2008 12:55 AM GMT
    I agree with you that monogamy is a social construct.
    The Prairie vole has a monogamy gene, but we humans don't.

    Since we're discussing social constructs, are the concepts of heterosexuality and homosexuality social constructs?

    Research on the bonobo chimpanzee reveal that they form gay and lesbian pair bonds but during the time of female esterous they become heterosexual. Perhaps we're made to be Bi but due to social pressures under the artificial circumstances of civilization we take one extreme or the other. Just a thought.




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    Mar 31, 2008 1:02 AM GMT
    I've seen many a straight relationship go south because of cheating. While I've never judged anyone because they have cheated they always seem to have an excuse and while at first I think it moronic, the more I think about it, I try and put myself in their shoes and can sometimes empathize with them. I try to see it from their point of view.

    Regarding gay relationships going south the one trend that I always seem to see is this:

    Gay men always seem to be searching for the next best thing, even when the best thing they'll ever have in life is staring them right in the eyes.

    Monogamy is possible either in a gay relationship or a straight relationship. I've known many gay and straight couples that have been together for 15+ years.

    Any relationship takes a lot of work and a lot of give and take and communicating!!! Many people have lost the art of communicating with one another and just seem to think that everyone should know whats going on in their minds.

    For the younger guys out there, don't fear or think you'll never find a monogamous relationship because so long as you find someone who is willing to talk and reveal whats on the inside, to me, that takes guts and with guts comes the making of a long term relationship!!
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Mar 31, 2008 1:06 AM GMT
    If it was natural to cheat it wouldnt be natural to be hurt when you're cheated on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2008 1:27 AM GMT
    The idea of dismissing monogamy as a social construct is irrelevant since most things that we do are social constructs.
    Monogamy is a choice.
    The issue is whether you decide to be monogamous or not. If you are, fine. If you're not, that's also fine. Just make sure that the person you decide to be with is in agreement with you and that you both fully understand what each of you mean by monogamous (or open for that matter).



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2008 1:33 AM GMT
    Aaron_Matthew saidI'm by no means promoting promiscuity and polygamy for all, but I'm beginning to wonder:

    Is monogamy possible?

    I think monogamy is a social construct and that it kind of goes against the grain of human biology.

    If you think about, humans are biologically wired to spread their seed as far as possible and across as diverse a population as possible. This insures survival.

    Thoughts?


    It's definitely possible. I've been lucky enough to foster a relationship like that in the past. It really is all up to you and your partner. Communication on the subject while your relationship is in the early stages sets the pace for the future. Life never dictates to you personally how you should deal with things. Simply because the jones' open their relationship up and give you reasons why doesn't mean you need to entertain that option. If you want a closed relationship then you have that right to create one and believe with the correct partner it will remain closed. Be mature enough to realize that a relationship will get past that "honeymoon" stage and if you don't see much substance past the physical intimacy then chances are in the long run that relationship isn't going to be a life long situation.

    When we talked about committing to one another we took it seriously. Although society wouldn't let us legally marry we wanted to be honest in our vows that we took before God and our close friends. We didn't take it lightly. If one or the other honestly couldn't fully commit to the idea that the only person they would be intimate with for the rest of his life was the other one then lets not even play any games. There's nothing wrong in being attracted to others. Thats going to happen. The hot idea of being with someone new is tempting. Acting on it is another issue. We threw out every tempting scenario to test the level of temptation and asked each other to be honest. We found out we would give it up to someone else for large sums of money hahahaha!

    You can foster a closed relationship for life but you've got to use honest judgement early on and ask yourself could this guy really be happy with a closed relationship. Pay attention to a few signs and as I said communicate openly and honestly.

    I think most want that. I really do, but then actually finding that one true connection where you know it's possible is the hardest hunt.

    I was blessed. For 4 years up until the day he was tragically taken from me we had a closed marriage. Many couldn't believe it. Especially being in our 20's at the time. It's possible but it takes complete honesty and knowing you are both at that moment in your life where you can truly commit to the idea for a lifetime.
  • MisterT

    Posts: 1272

    Mar 31, 2008 1:45 AM GMT
    Monogamy is possible, been there, and loved it till we parted ways, we just grew apart. I never strayed once during the 3.5 years, and I still hope I'll find the one that will last longer, with the same dedication that I have. Even when single I rarely have sex, it's not just the physical, there needs to be more for me to get that intimate with someone.

    I can't handle open relationships, though I don't judge those who are in them, they just aren't for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2008 1:51 AM GMT
    Yes monogamy is very possible. It all depends on how you and your partner go about things in the relationship.
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    Mar 31, 2008 2:01 AM GMT
    bgcat57 saidThe idea of dismissing monogamy as a social construct is irrelevant since most things that we do are social constructs.
    Monogamy is a choice.
    The issue is whether you decide to be monogamous or not. If you are, fine. If you're not, that's also fine. Just make sure that the person you decide to be with is in agreement with you and that you both fully understand what each of you mean by monogamous (or open for that matter).


    As usual, bgcat57 is on the money. It's easier to have monogamy (or non-monogamy) if the social construct around you supports that, but it can happen if you're just headstrong and make it your way. I was in a monogamous relationship for 15+ years, and it was just the thing for us.

    If you want monogamy, and you don't feel it's possible, you might not be in right environment to support it. I've found that a lot of younger guys don't have a lot of other people who know how to create a monogamous relationship, so they don't know how to make it work.
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    Mar 31, 2008 2:09 AM GMT
    For most guys: icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2008 2:43 AM GMT
    it's possible, but probably not for a guy your age...when you get older, spreading the seed around doesn't seem so important. waking up next to a man you love does. it's something you can look forward to. oh, and of course, have fun doing what your doing.icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2008 2:53 AM GMT
    I don't know about other guys on here -- especially someone who decided to clump all gay men as inherently structured to spread their seed in an earlier posting -- but I don't have the urge to commit promiscuity, sleep around, or announce myself as a total loser of a male slut to affirming that monogamy is impossible. Thankfully, I have standards and principles that sleeping around isn't in my make.

    Whether gay or straight, there are recorded histories of happy, loyal, and loving couples through the ages. However, it seems certain individuals will pick up selective observances to serve their own reckless behavior and justifying that it's merely okay, or "normal," to spread their seed everywhere while decimating the idea, or practice, of monogamy.

    It totally depends if someone you become involved with and you are really into one another so much so that anyone outside of the relationship have no baring toward disrupting your existing, growing relationship. But if there's that urge to cheat (and hurt) the guy you're with just to get your rocks off, then that's your isolated issue, not a consensus of what everyone else is currently doing simultaneously.

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    Mar 31, 2008 3:15 AM GMT
    it's entirely possible. probability however is all together another discussion. as is yet another; is it necessary? in all my relationships prior to my current one, monogamy was the rule of order. and in all my relationships prior to this one there was at times strife and grief due to perceived illusions of infidelity and cultural differences. for some of my boyfriends it was far more often than the others.

    for my boyfriend, his experiences have been the same as mine. jealousy and imagined cheating was fractious, frustrating, and heart breaking.

    with my current boyfriend i have been thoroughly happy and content with our relationship from the very first day. we sometimes have another involved in our sexual play. we've never had any issues or discontent. we enjoy our sex lives with each other and for our part, we enjoy the addition. of course not all 3rd parties are created equal icon_lol.gif

    the basic supposition is that for myself and my boyfriend, monogamy isn't necessary nor is it desired.

    personally i agree with you aaron, i think monogamy is a construct devised for assorted reasons. our penises are designed to scoop out the sperm of other males and deposit ours and the in and out thrusting action to accomplish this is what gives us a lot of pleasure.

    i think this particular design has a purpose.
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    Mar 31, 2008 1:24 PM GMT
    mcwclewis saidIf it was natural to cheat it wouldnt be natural to be hurt when you're cheated on.


    AMEN!!!!
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    Mar 31, 2008 1:32 PM GMT
    Aaron_Matthew saidI'm by no means promoting promiscuity and polygamy for all, but I'm beginning to wonder:

    Is monogamy possible?

    I think monogamy is a social construct and that it kind of goes against the grain of human biology.

    If you think about, humans are biologically wired to spread their seed as far as possible and across as diverse a population as possible. This insures survival.

    Thoughts?


    For me, I've learned to be honest with myself. I learned that for me, monogamy is an unatural way to be. I don't think one man can be everything for me. I'm not going to make promises to a boyfriend that I can't keep. I don't think monogamy is some automatic thing that kicks into a relationship after a fixed amount of time. It has to develop/be agreed to, naturally.

    I personally, as a gay man in today's world, think lots of gay couples want to create the "sanctity" of the straight convention of marriage. I don't have any desire to imitate a boring stright couple, nor do I feel I need someone to grow old with ( no thank you Hollywood and religion).

    I get strenght and happiness form my intimate experiences with men. I'm not giving that up.
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    Mar 31, 2008 4:11 PM GMT
    Monogamy is absolutely possible if it's what you truly seek. I find that many men are not really in touch with what they want. They believe it's monogamy because society tells them that it's better to be monogamous. They then set about trying to achieve this lofty goal when they themselves are not prepared to do so. It always fails because they are not being true to themselves.

    Monogamy is a great thing and something that my partner and I practice. We love the situation we set up for ourselves but do not believe that we are any better than those who have decided upon an open relationship. People need to be true to themselves.

    The only people I don't respect are those that lie about being monogamous in order to maintain a primary partner while enjoying clandestine sex with multiple partners. That's just deceitful and unacceptable. Be honest and be yourself don't worry about what people think about you.
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    Mar 31, 2008 4:18 PM GMT
    This is a great (funny) article on monogamy in all species, which came out in the NY Times after the Elliot Spitzer scandal:

    In Most Species, Faithfulness Is a Fantasy

    Apparently male dung beetles are cheating whores.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2008 8:03 PM GMT
    Aaron_Matthew saidI'm by no means promoting promiscuity and polygamy for all, but I'm beginning to wonder:

    Is monogamy possible?

    I think monogamy is a social construct and that it kind of goes against the grain of human biology.

    If you think about, humans are biologically wired to spread their seed as far as possible and across as diverse a population as possible. This insures survival.

    Thoughts?


    No need to spread the seed when you are gay, not for survival anyway. Yes is my answer!
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Mar 31, 2008 8:08 PM GMT
    Aaron_Matthew saidI'm by no means promoting promiscuity and polygamy for all, but I'm beginning to wonder:

    Is monogamy possible?

    I think monogamy is a social construct and that it kind of goes against the grain of human biology.

    If you think about, humans are biologically wired to spread their seed as far as possible and across as diverse a population as possible. This insures survival.

    Thoughts?



    Thoughts:

    Your premise only encompasses one evolutionary model. The rabbit model. Breed fast, breed often, and your offspring will survive no matter how many die.

    Most monkeys (especially chimps and such)(and elephants and other things) use the opposite modus operendi. Breed more rarely, and more slowly. Give birth to fewer offspring but raise and protect them carefully. Increase the life expectancy of your individual children so each has a higher chance of survival.

    Both methods are (clearly) effective. The monkeys are actually an interesting group to study as the genus uses both methods. There are monogomous protective monkeys and polyamorous communal monkeys.


    So... depends on if you think we're more Bonobo or Chimp.