Tired of the jerks...where are all the good guys?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 12:13 AM GMT
    So I came out of the closet just over 2 weeks ago...it's been amazing with my friends and brothers being so accepting and excited for me! definitely pumped up to start dating at some point.

    So I put myself out there on a couple dating-type sites (in addition to a lot of people in my circle here locally). I've gotten hit on by 3 married guys and other guys just wanting to hookup. So, my question is...is this what I should be expecting? I'm definitely not the type of guy that just wants that...I want to get to know a great guy and maybe start a relationship with time.

    any suggestions? what am i missing?

    brad
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 12:15 AM GMT
    go_vols saidSo I came out of the closet just over 2 weeks ago...


    ... what am i missing?

    brad


    About 4-5 years of experience sussing out guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 12:38 AM GMT
    Congrats on coming out! I recall reading the forum post, but as to men: finding love or a spark, yeah...you have to sort through the collection of them and find your picking.

    There are many great men out there, but you have to find the man you want and who accepts your as the man you are.

    Good luck because it does take some time.

    Mike
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Feb 04, 2011 12:51 AM GMT
    hi brad,

    move to New Orleans!

    you would do well here.

    icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 2:03 AM GMT
    Try checking online to see if any local gay groups exist that interest you. Football, Baseball, Hiking etc.. At least you can start off w/ one thing in common and expand frm there.
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2942

    Feb 04, 2011 2:10 AM GMT
    The idea about checking out local groups who do things you're interested in is good. Internet has found me a few friends, and a lot of duds - I think that's normal experience, though it's too bad. My best "findings" have been through being out and visible, and through networking with friends, gay and straight.

    Congratulations, and all the best luck in the world to you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 2:19 AM GMT
    go_vols saidSo I came out of the closet just over 2 weeks ago.... So, my question is...is this what I should be expecting? ... what am i missing?

    Two weeks?
    And you're wondering why Mr. Right hasn't materialized already?
    Before that can happen you will have to get to know yourself better. That means learning what your needs and preferences are, how to relate to different personality types, and which personalities are compatible with yours.
    In other words, welcome back to the world of high-school dating.
    But it doesn't have to be all bleak and grim. There will be lots of fun and lots of opportunities to meet interesting guys you wouldn't encounter in your former life.
    Just learn to detect the all-too-prevalent false vistas and trompe-l'oeil.
    Patience and perserverance!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 2:21 AM GMT
    go_vols said I'm definitely not the type of guy that just wants that...I want to get to know a great guy and maybe start a relationship with time.


    Maybe you should be a Lesbian then?icon_confused.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Feb 04, 2011 2:23 AM GMT
    tazzari saidThe idea about checking out local groups who do things you're interested in is good. Internet has found me a few friends, and a lot of duds - I think that's normal experience, though it's too bad. My best "findings" have been through being out and visible, and through networking with friends, gay and straight.

    Congratulations, and all the best luck in the world to you!





    This makes a lot of sense.
    Too many guys sit at home in front of their computer and expect to find true love.
    Just about every boyfriend I've ever had, I met at a bar or a sex club.

    I think that the guys who don't like the idea of having sex, then deciding if they want to see the guy again, are at a definite disadvantage because most guys are first attracted to another guy for sexual reasons.
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Feb 04, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    go_vols saidSo I came out of the closet just over 2 weeks ago...it's been amazing with my friends and brothers being so accepting and excited for me! definitely pumped up to start dating at some point.

    So I put myself out there on a couple dating-type sites (in addition to a lot of people in my circle here locally). I've gotten hit on by 3 married guys and other guys just wanting to hookup. So, my question is...is this what I should be expecting? I'm definitely not the type of guy that just wants that...I want to get to know a great guy and maybe start a relationship with time.

    any suggestions? what am i missing?

    brad


    I think you have to give it some time Brad...after all, Rome wasn't built in a day, and relationships usually don't just happen...they are built as well.

    I think Hillie's idea is a great one...as is volunteering in the local gay community if there is an opportunity that interests you. Remember, men typically are sexual creatures...so it's not really surprising that the first approaches you're getting are sexual ones. You're an attractive guy.

    Meeting guys online is only one way guys get together; sex clubs and bars are another way; volunteer and community activities are another way. The good part about all of these is, if you meet someone you're not necessarily compatable with on a romantic level, you may become friends with them...and they may know someone who is looking to date an attractive, athletic guy like yourself. icon_smile.gif

    My advice would be, get yourself out within the gay community, be open to meeting new people of all sorts, and find something you would like to be a part of: people are at their hottest when they're at their happiest. icon_smile.gif

    Good luck to you! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    Well congrats to coming out, Brad.

    I would say this is something you should expect for pretty much the long haul. You'll be fine. Just have your BS goggles ready to sift through the nonsense and don't lower your standards, ethics or morals (whatever those are) just to please someone.

    You're in Raleigh and having a hard time meeting nice guys. That's crazy.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 3:24 AM GMT
    Shit I'm still having a hard time finding a good guy. Maybe one day one will come my way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    The few times I have felt interest, it has not worked out for me. I have tried telling myself "my time will come" and "there is a lid for every pot" but since I have not had any luck so far, I think this is how it will always be.I want to wish you good luck though icon_biggrin.gif
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Feb 04, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    I'm one. I noticed your profile sometime back and found common ground.

    Would love to hear from you too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 3:56 AM GMT
    Time, experience, and (if you don't mind older guys) a look at my profile.
  • xebec75

    Posts: 243

    Feb 04, 2011 4:17 AM GMT
    Hey bud,

    I think that a lot of these guys have it right. You may be facing an uphill battle in terms of a learning curve when it comes to dating men. icon_confused.gif

    I'm not sure what your pre-coming out experience was like, but Dan Savage has a great description of coming out later in life (yes, 33 is later in life...in this day and age). He says that you are like a teenager now because, like a teenager, you're still finding your 'sea legs' in the gay world.

    I'm sure a lot of the self-loathers out there will tell you that being gay and being straight are the same thing and it's only femme guys or sluts who think otherwise...check their profiles...single, single, single. It's ok to experiment with your sexuality (go through a slutty phase) as long as you're safe and it's consensual. Being sex-positive is a good quality...there is nothing so tedious to watch or participate in as a sexless marriage.

    You have to figure out what you want, now that you are out and honest...it's a different world even if you've been having man2man sex before now...being gay and having sex with men are two different things. Taking the time to put fantasy aside and be realistic and embracing reality in terms of gay relationships is the best first steps you can take.

    Trying to recapture or embody cultural ideals of masculinity within a gay context is complicated...most of the straight acting for straight acting guys I know...are lonely.

    I saw some good advice in this forum...join clubs, put yourself out there, be honest, be open...good luck...I hope you meet the man of your dreams...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 4:25 AM GMT
    thanks for all the advice guys! very much appreciated
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 4:33 AM GMT
    go_vols saidSo I came out of the closet just over 2 weeks ago...it's been amazing with my friends and brothers being so accepting and excited for me! definitely pumped up to start dating at some point.

    So I put myself out there on a couple dating-type sites (in addition to a lot of people in my circle here locally). I've gotten hit on by 3 married guys and other guys just wanting to hookup. So, my question is...is this what I should be expecting? I'm definitely not the type of guy that just wants that...I want to get to know a great guy and maybe start a relationship with time.

    any suggestions? what am i missing?

    brad



    Good guys are eveeeeeeeeeeeeeery where!

    WARNING.....try not to move too fast, I get the feeling your over excitement of coming out will make you very vulnerable to guys with no scruples, be careful sweety, sloooooooooooow down just a bit! good luck and congratulations!!!


    Leandro ♥
  • DrewT

    Posts: 1327

    Feb 04, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    Ariodante said
    go_vols saidSo I came out of the closet just over 2 weeks ago...


    ... what am i missing?

    brad


    About 4-5 years of experience sussing out guys.


    ^^This. You start meeting cools guys after time. It's part of the Tests we have as the Gay Mafia.
  • trevchaser

    Posts: 237

    Feb 04, 2011 4:44 AM GMT
    Here's something I learned which may help:

    60155_154843927872338_108492435840821_34


    icon_biggrin.gif
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Feb 04, 2011 4:45 AM GMT
    raises hand up*

    present!! :3
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2011 5:08 AM GMT
    Congrats on coming out.

    xebec75 saidHey bud,

    I think that a lot of these guys have it right. You may be facing an uphill battle in terms of a learning curve when it comes to dating men. icon_confused.gif

    I'm not sure what your pre-coming out experience was like, but Dan Savage has a great description of coming out later in life (yes, 33 is later in life...in this day and age). He says that you are like a teenager now because, like a teenager, you're still finding your 'sea legs' in the gay world.

    I'm sure a lot of the self-loathers out there will tell you that being gay and being straight are the same thing and it's only femme guys or sluts who think otherwise...check their profiles...single, single, single. It's ok to experiment with your sexuality (go through a slutty phase) as long as you're safe and it's consensual. Being sex-positive is a good quality...there is nothing so tedious to watch or participate in as a sexless marriage.

    You have to figure out what you want, now that you are out and honest...it's a different world even if you've been having man2man sex before now...being gay and having sex with men are two different things. Taking the time to put fantasy aside and be realistic and embracing reality in terms of gay relationships is the best first steps you can take.

    Trying to recapture or embody cultural ideals of masculinity within a gay context is complicated...most of the straight acting for straight acting guys I know...are lonely.


    I saw some good advice in this forum...join clubs, put yourself out there, be honest, be open...good luck...I hope you meet the man of your dreams...

    Great post, couldn't have said it better.

    You just need to get out there more join a group or organization you're interested in, they're out there. That quote from the image trevchaser posted is true, they will be there waiting when you start doing the things you love.
  • Sparkycat

    Posts: 1064

    Feb 04, 2011 5:17 AM GMT
    Here I am, sweet cheeks. Come and get me, baby!
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Feb 04, 2011 5:22 AM GMT
    Its real hard finding one to match up with you. Dont limit yourself. Dont be afraid to take some risks.

    I've been single for 6 years...i do have some preferences but, i dont consider them impossible. Most who I've met are only interested in short flings...so i dunno...something is being done wrong.
  • Jericophantom...

    Posts: 185

    Feb 04, 2011 9:04 AM GMT
    Just be yourself don't look but keep an eye out and wait its kinda like fishing cast your line but dont be to quick to pull it out and dont just go for anything your allowed to have preference