Muscular BF VS. Unfit BF

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    Jun 20, 2007 11:33 AM GMT
    Guys I need some advice. My bf isnt the most fit guy and personally I think that it sux at times but its whatever. I just sense and have noticed since my body has changed and muscles have started appearing there is this sense of....tension/resentment. Anyone ever gone through this????

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    Jun 20, 2007 1:15 PM GMT
    Yep, for many years now. It's no good to pressure him or make demands on him to shape up. Remember what you fell in love with in the first place. That's still there.
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    Jun 20, 2007 3:54 PM GMT
    It really depends on where the tension and resentment is coming from are you directing it towards him or is he directing it towards you?

    Both are very compelling issues.

    If he is feeling resentment towards you he could be feeling a little threatened and insecure, because he is seeing the fruits of you labor and he could feel that you would leave him for a guy that's fit yourself.

    If you resent him well that's a whole another thing all together. You have to remember that he was not fit when you met him and there obviously was a lot more beneath the surface that you saw in him to begin with.

    Now if you are concern about his fitness because of future health issues then you may want to gently prod him to workout and eat better.

    If this is mere vanity on your part the it could destroy your relationship.

    Having dated an ex-body-builder and my being a former professional dancer. I was always a little threaten and insecure because my ex-lover had this great body and I was much smaller than he was. I was in and still in great shape. But I got over it real quick because he was with me because he was attracted to the person that I am on the inside. My shell on the outside is and was a bonus!

    You may want consider do you still love appreciate your bf for the person that he is or for who you want him to be.

    Cheers,

    Phoenix43
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    Jun 20, 2007 4:58 PM GMT
    One of my first "serious relationships" occured at a time in my life when I was overweight, eating poorly, and drinking like a fish. He was a sweetheart but (a few years into the relationship) once I got serious about being healthy and disposed of some weight (and bad habits) I noticed it was a problem for him that I now looked differently. Funny, but some guys prefer a man who doesn't turn heads to one that does, maybe due to insecurity(?).
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    Jun 20, 2007 5:12 PM GMT
    Dump him. Just kidding. Well... maybe.

    I agree with a few things said. I was in a 3 year relationship where this was the case. He was spiteful in his bad eating and health habits in that he would prefer fast food and hard candy to a home cooked meal and his body image suffered to the extent that we was no longer physical with me. I loved him and was always aroused by him despite his 40 pounds overweight, but that wasn't enough to turn the tide so we eventually broke up (over that and other issues).

    And ya, he also said what jackal said, that a good looking guy is trouble. lol. We'd walk into a restaurant and he would focus on the people noticing me, which i was completely obvlivious to up until that point in my life (and to some extent still am); whereas, I would just focus on him. lol.

    Live and learn.
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    Jun 20, 2007 5:14 PM GMT
    A couple that plays together stays together.

    Differences are great, but lifestyle differences are not easily addressed. If this other person is expressing "tension/resentment" think about where it might be coming from. Have you assured him enough that you're not leaving? Or does this person not trust/respect you enough to believe you when you say that?
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    Jun 20, 2007 6:16 PM GMT
    This probably will sound stupid but you don't have to be muscular to be fit. In fact, I am quite proud of the fact that I am slim but yet I haven't got an excessive amount of muscle on me (you can have too much of a good thing).

    My boyfriend also has the same build as me - he's slim and yet he's also fit and healthy. Although my boyfriend does have some bad eating habits (he often doesn't have breakfast and he east a lot of junk). I wish he would sort his eating habits out but I am fine with his general fitness. By bf goes to the gym and he does fencing which keeps him fit, especially since it's one of htose activities which is useful for burning fat.

    Personally, I think personality is more important than appearance. It's what's inside that counts; not what's outside. Take a good look at your boyfriend and ask yourself what's more important looks or something deeper and more special? Persuade him to adopt a healthier lifestyle gently and gradually introduce him into a regime of some sorts. Don't pressurise him - like my Dad used to do. And talk to him. At least, that's how I would deal with my bf's eating issues.
  • GQjock

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    Jun 21, 2007 1:50 AM GMT
    This is very important for you to remember
    you are changing....your working out and getting results like you describe is very scary to your bf
    not only is it reminding him that he's not working out but it's also bringing up issues of differences btw you two
    if you love this man you are going to have to reassure him
    and why not try to include him in some of your exercise activities...
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    Jun 21, 2007 2:14 AM GMT
    If he's jealous, insecure, and so on, do what you can to make him comfortable. If that doesn't work, dump him. There at 6.6 BILLION people in the world, and most aren't worth all that grief. Find another person without all the issues.
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    Jun 21, 2007 3:58 AM GMT
    There is this guy I know via AOL chatroom, for the past 12 years. Definately a handsome, hottie. His profile 12 years ago was something like, " Looking for exceptional man 25-35" He was 35 at the time. Over the past 12 years I've casually known this guy and he has updated the years to match his, now it's "exceptional man 35-47" as he is now 47.

    I know for a fact he hasn't had a boyfriend in the past 12 years. When 12 years ago a 36 year old was too old to consider now it's almost the young limit. He's held out for something 'exceptional.' I wonder how many 'exceptional' people he's encountered but overlooked totally because he has a mindset of what they are 'suppost to' look like, act like and respond to him.

    That's 12 years of being single. He could have had a wonderful relationship, posibally, but his standards are high. Would it be 'settling' to widen his blinders a bit? He obviously has, increasing his age limit for his possible mate by 12 years. What if he had opened up the posibilities to someone 47 years old when he posted his first ad 12 years ago??

    We all have 24 hours a day to use or waste. We just never know how many days we'll have. When I saw this guy last at a party he was shaking his fist tht there are no good men in this city of over 1 million. I smiled. Reminds me of a quote from Richard Bach, "argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours."

  • jokbod

    Posts: 22

    Jun 21, 2007 6:42 AM GMT
    I tend to agree with TuzaHu in general. That story is all too true for many.

    I have an extremely broad range of tastes in what I consider attractive. Confidence, discipline, ambition and integrity are what I'm most interested in - along with a lot of shared interests. Looks and youth are great and can be a total turn on, but ultimately - for all of us - they will be replaced by (hopefully) maturity and wisdom, which is what makes for a true long term relationship.

    (Then again, no matter what we say on the topic, we ARE all hanging out on RealJock...)

    My $0.02

    F
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    Jun 21, 2007 7:34 AM GMT
    Guys I need some advice. My bf isnt the most fit guy and personally I think that it sux at times but its whatever. I just sense and have noticed since my body has changed and muscles have started appearing there is this sense of....tension/resentment. Anyone ever gone through this????


    It is not my intention to be rude, but it is my intention to be blunt.

    Your post sounds incredibly superficial.

    My advice is that you communicate your feelings to him and let him know that you expect a mirror copy of yourself so that he can decide if he wants to pursue that goal or another.
    My advice to him would be to pursue another.
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    Jun 21, 2007 11:27 AM GMT
    Although the initial post may seem superficial, there could be more to it. I was in a relationship for 14 years where neither of us was in shape for about 10 years of it.

    I decided to get into shape partially based on Dr.s suggestion regarding back pain. As I started to lose weight I got compliments from him but the soon stopped. I kept up with the workouts because I felt better physically, and little by little there was a mental attitude improvement. I'll admit a certain amount of vanity (I am human) but that was balance by my age and my attitude about it.

    As time went on. The indifference turned to insults and I whenever I did try to discuss it, it only escalated and I grew to realize that I was genuinely unhappy whenever he was around. It was even worse if any of his friends complimented me. Due to a number of incidents, the relationship ended and ended badly. He lashed back at me that he was going to 'get into shape and I'd be so jealous' as if that were the reason that I was working out. Although I genuinely loved him, he couldn't see (or wouldn't see) what he was doing to me and then acted surprised by the result.

    So I'm single now and dating and happier than I've been in years. Being 50 is no picnic in the gay community, but I've no choice in that and if it's an issue for someone, then I'm not interested.
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    Jun 21, 2007 1:49 PM GMT
    BgCat57...what an AWSOME posting!! What insight you drew from your relationship and the changes that took place when you became healthy and he chose another path. Did he feel betrayed because you got into fitness? I think your viewpoint on the demise of your relationship shoul be an article in some publication. Well written an fascinating. I' love to hear the details. How long have you been single now? Did he keep his promise and work out or was he lashing out in powerlessness?
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    Jun 21, 2007 2:00 PM GMT
    50?!?!?!?! Unbelievable. Recent picture in your profile?
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    Jun 21, 2007 2:28 PM GMT
    TuzaHu makes a good point: really goods folks, especially in a community that is populated by a lot of head-fucked folks, is a challenge, but, lowering your standards is a matter of what you're willing to accept. If you're willing to deal with the baggage (and about everyone has some) I suppose that's your choice (just don't whine about it later). I've been non-married, and only in one 3.5 year relationship with a very wonderful lady my age. I have no regrets about having not dealt with the bullshit that I've seen some people deal with over the years. There are days I'm lonely, but, at least I'm not upset about some head-fucked person in my life.

    Having low standards is why, despite modern medicine we see average life span declining instead of increasing. We've "accepted" fat kids. We've "tolerated" pictureless here, and so on. Lowering your standards to allow for a lower quality of person only makes the general population weaker. I.e., rather than make a fuss, we'd rather have fat people dieing young, running up hell care costs, having horrible disease, and so on..all for the sake of avoiding some unpleasantness. Coddling a problem, rather than fixing it, only makes it worse over time. Accepting the lowest common thing out of desperation or a want to avoid confrontation is a cop out.
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    Jun 21, 2007 2:31 PM GMT
    bgcat57, your circumstances seem to be completely different than that of latinguytcu. Your former partner was, at the very least, verbally abusive, and no one should tolerate that, and possibly dealing with a number of other issues including a self-esteem problem, whereas latinguytcu did not state this, but rather simply expressed his dissatisfaction that his partner "isnt the most fit guy and personally I think that it sux at times but its whatever."

    I have a degree in Behavioral Science, but even if I didn't, I would tell guys to be the best that they can be and do what makes them happy. Some guys will choose to pursue healthy lifestyles and others will not...and that's their right. However, one cannot change someone else, the other person has to want to change something and one should not nag that person to do so just because one is doing it first. The other person will resent it.

    Hence my advice to latinguytcu. He should communicate his feelings to his partner and let his partner decide whether or not to come along on the muscle development journey.

    Finally, all this youthful, iconic beauty to which gay men are subjected to and expected to live up to is unrealistic. Everyone gets older and everyone will lose their looks at some point. With some it will be earlier than later. In any case, it is guaranteed and there is no way around it. It is wonderful to slow aging and be as healthy as one can be, but I recommend concerning oneself with building strong relationships more than strong muscles. With much effort, relationships can be there long after the muscles are gone.
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    Jun 21, 2007 2:33 PM GMT
    That's a fascinating story, bgcat. It boggles the mind that such extreme internal programming can be expressed outwardly in such an ugly manner with the person having no conscious awareness of it. Part of me screams out to your ex, "Well duh! Maybe if you'd shaped up at the same time as bgcat, you'd still be together!" But, I suspect that his threat to shape up was entirely empty, and even if he did shape up along with you, some other toxic programming could have been triggered by the change, with the same relationship-destroying effect. It really does sound like a story that belongs in some journal of psychology.
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    Jun 21, 2007 2:43 PM GMT
    Sorry, that should have been

    "bgcat57, your circumstances seem to be completely different than THOSE of latinguytcu."

    =)

    Daniel
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    Jun 21, 2007 7:29 PM GMT
    I am one of those folks who believes that change comes from within, not from without. If that makes any sense. Your partner latinguytcu needs to have the willpower to change. He has to want to make positive changes.

    However, the question I would ask is: Is this boyfriend of yours really unfit, or is he just unfit by your standards? I am sorry if this sounds harsh and I am sorry if I've caused offence. I am not trying to be rude or offensive. I am just curious. In any case it would be nice for your bf to pop down to the gym at least once or twice a week if nothing else and perhaps he could go hiking or something, I don't know (I only say that because I am fond of hiking/mountaineering myself). I used to be extremely unfit, and although I am not as fit as I would like to be, I made some changes by summoning the willpower to plunge ahead and make those changes. I forced myself to go out more, to go to the gym, to go cycling, to occasionally go rock climbing, and to eat more healthly and actually cook healthy meals for myself. Your bf probably needs a montage to get him going!

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    Jun 22, 2007 2:46 AM GMT
    Thanks for the feedback guys. I do want to add two things. First, I realize that my situation wasn't exactly the same and I didn't want to spend a lot of space going into all the details or for that matter, to rag on my ex because that would not be productive. (Incidentally, he did loose some weight after we broke up, but by then I realized that he wasn't the person I thought he was.)

    Secondly, the picture was taken three months before I turned 50 so I haven't changed that much.
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    Jun 22, 2007 7:14 PM GMT
    he has a complex... JEALOUSY in this case. jealous of other guys paying more attention to you now... and jealous that your body is better. best of luck to you both... things could get bumpy.
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    Jun 22, 2007 8:00 PM GMT
    HMm is slim unfit??
    i am slim smooth, but i think my body is nice enough for a slim lover and my bf is musclar...
    so unfit u mean skinny or chubby???
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    Nov 24, 2011 6:10 PM GMT
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