An Ex of mine passed away

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    Feb 06, 2011 12:40 AM GMT
    Hey, I'm writing this more to get it off my chest than anything else. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, and thanks for indulging me.

    A few weeks ago I was talking to a guy on the phone whom I had met online (bigmuscle.com) It was our first conversation and he is an engaging guy, we talked for quite some time.

    During the course of the conversation, we talked about past experiences, relationships etc. I told him about my first "true love"... Ross. Ross was about 8 years older than me and we started seeing each other when I was in my early 30s. He was handsome, successful, charming, fun blahblahblah. I realized I was in love with him when I noticed I became aroused just by thinking about how he made me feel, probably about a year after we started dating... It was a great time in my life.

    As so often happens, it wasn't meant to be. For reasons I won't go into, I broke up with him. I'm the type who moves on and I don't dwell on things, especially when it involves pain (emotional). We don't run in the same circles, so after we broke up I rarely ran in to him. In the 12 years since we broke up I can count on two hands how many times I have seen him, even though we lived in the same city (San Diego).

    A year ago last November I went to a bar in SD (the Hole) that I like for a last night out before I moved to DC. I was there with some friends when Ross walked right past me. I hadn't seen him in a couple of years at least and he looked great, but he was walking "funny"... I immediately walked over and gave him a hug and we had a great conversation. Because of the way he was walking I asked if he had been drinking, I would have been happy to drive him home.

    He told me he hadn't, and that he had been suffering from unknown health problems that affected his vision and balance. He told me he was improving, but the doctors couldn't pin down what was causing the problems. We had a great conversation and exchanged phone numbers. He asked me to go to dinner but I was moving to DC the next week and didn't have time do it.

    We talked a couple of times after I moved, and he called me on New Years Eve, but missed me. I returned his call and we played phone tag a few times but I was never able to get ahold of him again.

    After talking to the guy I had just met online, on a lark I googled Ross on the internet. The first result that came back was his obituary. He passed away last April. He has two adult kids who I never got to know.

    I had an instant rush of memories and good feelings for him. In 5 seconds I basically relived our relationship. I was sad for not being there for him when his health failed and also for his funeral. I would have balled my eyes out and I hate funerals, but I would have gone.

    If anyone out there reads through this to the end, thank you for listening.
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    Feb 06, 2011 12:43 AM GMT
    You need to cry and get angry and then be around people who care for you and love you.

    Sorry
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 06, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    How very sad and let me be one of the first to give you my condolances.
    It sounds like he was a great guy and you all had some good experiences and
    learned some life lessons along the way. It is always sad when you come across something like that, I'm sure he felt about you much the way you do about him.

    Sounds like you will remember the good times and awesome that you do.
    He will always occupy a special place.... and that is something that can't ever be taken away.

    If you get the opportunity if you are back to SD, look up where he is buried and pay him a visit. I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

    Thanks for sharing!
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    Feb 06, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    KissingPro saidYou need to cry and get angry and then be around people who care for you and love you.

    Sorry


    No anger.. but I did cry.
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    Feb 06, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidHow very sad and let me be one of the first to give you my condolances.
    It sounds like he was a great guy and you all had some good experiences and
    learned some life lessons along the way. It is always sad when you come across something like that, I'm sure he felt about you much the way you do about him.

    Sounds like you will remember the good times and awesome that you do.
    He will always occupy a special place.... and that is something that can't ever be taken away.

    If you get the opportunity if you are back to SD, look up where he is buried and pay him a visit. I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

    Thanks for sharing!


    It made me tear up just reading that. Amazing. I'm not an emotional guy, and it's been a long time. I may do that.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Feb 06, 2011 12:59 AM GMT
    That was a touching story, sdgman.

    I think it's great that you were able to recall the good times you shared with Ross and maintain good feelings about him. I know you're devastated about not being with him during his final moments, but at least your relationship with him did not end when you two broke up. Whatever the reasons were, you were able to look pass that and give him a hug after years of not seeing him, and you two stayed in contact.

    I'm sure Ross appreciated and respected you for that.
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    Feb 06, 2011 2:21 AM GMT
    Touched my heart deeply brother. Life unfolds in ways we often don't see or understand, but nevertheless, it has its own ways, and those meant you not being with Ross for his passing or funeral.

    You have both given to each other and that is what life meant for each of you, and you have both been enriched.......Keith
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:46 AM GMT
    Thank you for sharing this, it struck a cord in my heart. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    I know how you feel, man--the same thing happened to me. Pretty fucked up. It's actually how I came out to my parents (who I was with at the time,) because there was no way I was going to keep that all bottled up inside. All the best, mate. I hope one day that his memory will bring a melancholy drop of sweetness and the quirk of a smile to your lips.
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    Feb 06, 2011 10:08 AM GMT
    BoulderingBum saidI know how you feel, man--the same thing happened to me. Pretty fucked up. It's actually how I came out to my parents (who I was with at the time,) because there was no way I was going to keep that all bottled up inside. All the best, mate. I hope one day that his memory will bring a melancholy drop of sweetness and the quirk of a smile to your lips.


    Breaking up with him was the reason I came out to my family. It was hard and I needed the support. He was good for me in more ways than one. ;-)
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    Feb 06, 2011 10:22 AM GMT
    wow! We cant spend the rest of our lives regretting the things we have done. For me, I hope I learn the lession and then move on. I highly suggest you do your own personal memorial service to him.... get flowers, go to a place that is special to you..do your own small service and say how sorry you are and then say a final goodbye.... you BOTH need PEACE now. Godspeed!
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    Feb 06, 2011 10:28 AM GMT
    This really pisses me off that your ex had something that doctors couldn't diagnose. There's something SERIOUSLY WRONG with healthcare in the United States. I feel that most doctors just look at what is typical and actually FORGET to understand more esoteric illnesses. I've have an infection on my face for over a year. I finally got a face cream from INDIA that cured it. No thanks to America. I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry I went on this tangent rant. But I feel like he could have been saved had there been smarter and more vigilant doctors around.
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    Feb 06, 2011 10:50 AM GMT
    JAKEBENSON saidThis really pisses me off that your ex had something that doctors couldn't diagnose. There's something SERIOUSLY WRONG with healthcare in the United States. I feel that most doctors just look at what is typical and actually FORGET to understand more esoteric illnesses. I've have an infection on my face for over a year. I finally got a face cream from INDIA that cured it. No thanks to America. I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry I went on this tangent rant. But I feel like he could have been saved had there been smarter and more vigilant doctors around.


    When I dated him he didn't carry health insurance as he went to a doctor of his choice who wasn't a member of any insurance plans. I doubt his problem was poor medical care. I can't guarantee he was 100% honest with me when he told me what was going on, as part of the reason we broke up was he began running with a "circuit" crowd who did alot of party drugs.

    I'm not blaming it on that and I have no idea, but I do doubt that it was poor medical care, he could afford the best. I'm just sorry for his kids, they were all the world to him and he was only 53 when he died...too young.

    One of the only pictures I still have of him was of him and his two kids when they were very young and he took them skiing. He was between them knelt down on one knee with each on either side. He was so handsome and looked very happy. I hope his kids have that picture.

    Thinking about him and how he is gone, I have a "hole" there in my heart that I didn't realize existed. Its sad, but I'll move on.
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    Feb 06, 2011 10:54 AM GMT
    ^ Ah I see what you mean. Still incompetent doctors didn't help the situation, but it also didn't help doing drugs and being in an environment that gradually takes a toll on one's physical well being.
  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Feb 06, 2011 10:56 AM GMT
    it made me sad to read this. i hope the future finds you in better spirits and blessings to heal any pain you're experiencing.
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    Feb 06, 2011 10:58 AM GMT
    fizzle saidit made me sad to read this. i hope the future finds you in better spirits and blessings to heal any pain you're experiencing.


    Thanks...I'm not in bad spirits... just a bit sad. It's a weird feeling, I'm getting to an age now where I guess I should start getting used to this.
  • trevchaser

    Posts: 237

    Feb 06, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    What a touching story. Thanks for sharing because I know that this turns on the light with many of us who have read it. Cherish the times we meet with others. Embrace things that we may feel uncomfortable with because it may make us better human beings.

    You have all the time to dwell on the emotions that have come over you and I'm sure all of us come to an agreement what crying is healthy for ones spirit and soul. That outpouring of emotion will surely be felt by the Ross' spirit and I know that he will be cheering you on to live your life and learn from this very tough lesson.

    Don't be afraid to love, you won't have any regrets. The pain you feel from love will build your character and make you a stronger individual. I believe all things happen for a reason in life. After you have grieved over the bad reasons associated with it, focus on the positive reasons because you will truly find how powerful and enlightening they are. Smile. Be happy with who you are and who you about to become. All the best man! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 06, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    big e-hug for ya
  • RSportsguy

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    Feb 06, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss! My deepest condolences!!
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    Once or twice in your life you may cross paths with someone who lights up the room for you. You will meet many others who you can love and be loved by in the usual way. But there are just a handful who simply by their presence have the power to change the way you see and feel things.
    This doesn't happen to everyone. You have been lucky.
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    Feb 06, 2011 6:29 PM GMT
    TexDef07 saidOnce or twice in your life you may cross paths with someone who lights up the room for you. You will meet many others who you can love and be loved by in the usual way. But there are just a handful who simply by their presence have the power to change the way you see and feel things.
    This doesn't happen to everyone. You have been lucky.


    Yes, Very lucky
    thanks for sharing **HUGS**
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    Feb 06, 2011 7:13 PM GMT
    BoulderingBum saidI know how you feel, man--the same thing happened to me. Pretty fucked up. It's actually how I came out to my parents (who I was with at the time,) because there was no way I was going to keep that all bottled up inside. All the best, mate. I hope one day that his memory will bring a melancholy drop of sweetness and the quirk of a smile to your lips.


    Thanks man, I appreciate that. I'm sorry that it is a shared experience.
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    Feb 06, 2011 7:16 PM GMT
    BTW... the incredibly thoughtful responses are greatly appreciated. Thank you all very much.