Some assistance please...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    I wasn't sure where to put this, so here will have to do.

    Today is the funeral for Bill's bro-in-law who we'll call Nate. Nate was married to Bill's younger sister. He died recently after a protracted battle with cancer.

    Nate hated me, because I'm gay. Years ago, Nate and family had a business in the Caribbean repairing yachts. They lived in one and traveled about. At one point Bill's sister invited us down, only to be told by Nate that Bill would be staying with them on the yacht but I would be required to stay in a hotel and was not permitted under any circumstances on the boat.

    Bill's sister wrote a tear stained letter explaining this, and so Bill declined the invitation. They eventually moved back to Canada. Out of consideration for Bill's Mom, who had Nate's boys over visiting daily, we kept a low profile for many years out of worry that if Nate knew we were spending time at Granma's he'd stop the boys from seeing their Granma.

    Now Nate's gone and we're experiencing a bonding with Bill's sis, and the boys who are now teens. We can also go visit Bill's Mom without fears of third party (Nate) repercussions on the rest of the family.

    So I'm about to go to a funeral of someone that hated me. It feels peculiar because it matters to me what others in our family thinks. I'm hoping they won't think I'm sitting there gloating he's gone, but am worried some will.

    Part of me feels it's inappropriate for me to be there out of respect for the dead, as Nate I think would not want me there.

    I've gone into my Quiet a few times this long early morning but without achieving a broader objectivity. I haven't had a chance to reflect on this with Bill as he's still sleeping.

    Help!

    -Doug

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 06, 2011 2:56 PM GMT
    Doug,
    Sorry you've had such a time with this guy..... sounds like a bigot and a jerk.
    But part of what you will be doing by your attendance is providing support to Bill, his sister and their children, who you love and appreciate. Go, avoid
    personal comments about "Nate" and support those who have provided support and love to you.

    Avoid discussion about Nate, participate and go about your business.
    Time to rise above petty behaviors.... this is a time to show what your about..
    and we all know what an awesome guy you are!

    Chris
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    Doug:

    There is no question as to what you should do...go. Go for Bill and the survivors. You're not going for the deceased; he's gone.

    Chad
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    HI DOUG..icon_smile.gif

    Yes, some human behavior sucks.

    Be ONE UP and go to the funeral for Bill, your sister-in-law and her kids.

    Do not give in to shame -based attitudes of others. Your attendance will teach the nephews that you harbor NO SHAME for being true to yourself. by attending. Your actions will teach them a valuable lesson that will serve them well as society evolves to accept all sexualities that are simply basic human behavior...CHEERS BILL !icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    HI DOUG..icon_smile.gif

    Yes, some human behavior sucks.

    Be ONE UP and go to the funeral for Bill, your sister-in-law and her kids.

    Do not give in to shame -based attitudes of others. Your attendance will teach the nephews that you harbor NO SHAME for being true to yourself. by attending. Your actions will teach them a valuable lesson that will serve them well as society evolves to accept all sexualities that are simply basic human behavior...CHEERS BILL !icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:11 PM GMT

    Well, Chris and Chad have said everything I would have, so I'll just say that I agree with their comments 100%.
    David
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:13 PM GMT

    Thanks guys.
    You know, Nate never met me in all those years. Interesting, eh? Our paths finally crossed one day about 8 months ago. We were going over to Bill's Mom's and had as usual phoned ahead so she could warn Nate not to be there. He forgot and showed up to check on the car he was selling (couldn't keep it down on the docks where the yacht is moored).

    I did the only thing I knew how to do. I walked into the garage, friendly and warm, introduced myself, shook his hand (which he dared not refuse in front of Bill and Mom), and we watched him grimace and leave immediately.

    I'm also worried this being Nate's service, it will be filled with his buddies, and I'm wondering if birds of a feather do indeed flock together in which case, should glances and muttered remarks become dagger-ish, I will take Bill to his Mom's where we will wait til the service is over.

    Ugh.

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Feb 06, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    "funerals are for the living".

    a trite cliche; but a true cliche.

    attend for the wife and sons.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:30 PM GMT

    I'm certainly going (that was never an issue), but thought to gain insight from you guys as a kind of internal armour and to iron out some of the emotional 'wrinkles' I'm experiencing.
    If I have the right attitude and calm it will project itself outwards. It's not about me, and this topic is helping me achieve emotional objectivity which I need if I am to be any comfort to those I love.

    -Doug

    Thanks MuchMoreThanMuscle, as always. You know, curiously enough I never disliked him, but rather felt a contained sorrow. Bill, on the other hand, disliked him intensely because of what he did.

    I've never asked for help on here this way before and I must say the experience is startling and extremely uplifting.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:30 PM GMT
    Some ppl can't help who they are. Unwilling to see beyond themselves they remain isolated to the world that is vastly different. No matter what, you're a part of the family and your presence will honor his place in your family. Your common bond is the love you share for his mother, wife, kids and other relatives, all which will need your presence of support.
    Sry for your loss
    H
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    Sorry about all those years spent in a hostile situation. I could understand very well, if you didn't want to go. However, if Bill is going and wants/needs you there, then go.

    Focus on him, his mother, sister and nephews and ignore Nate's side of the family/friends. Do you really care what they think of your motives to be there? If they have the bad taste to make their objections known, do not even ignore them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 3:46 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    bhp91126 saidIf they have the bad taste to make their objections known, do not even ignore them.


    I think you meant to say, "do not even acknowledge them."


    I think so, too. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:07 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    bhp91126 saidIf they have the bad taste to make their objections known, do not even ignore them.


    I think you meant to say, "do not even acknowledge them."


    I think so, too. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gifThat is what it means, but I stand by my "do not even ignore them". It's a higher degree of ignoring used in Vienna.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    If it was me I would absolutely not attend regardless of the reasons others have given. Your sister in law knows the truth. It should be up to her to do the splainin if by chance her sons ever ask why you did not attend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:31 PM GMT
    bhp91126 said, "It's a higher degree of ignoring used in Vienna."

    Wow, I so like this. Thanks, eh? In other words they'd not even be worth the effort of ignoring.

    xo -Doug

    Bill's up and we just went over all of this. He'd rather not go as well, so between us we should be able to muster the aplomb needed to diplomatically get through this day.

  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Feb 06, 2011 4:36 PM GMT
    rigsby saidDoug:

    There is no question as to what you should do...go. Go for Bill and the survivors. You're not going for the deceased; he's gone.

    Chad


    True. Funerals are for the survivors.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:44 PM GMT
    Go. But dont stand over the casket with your thumbs in your ears and fingers waving, sticking your tongue out, while saying "nanny nanny boo boo!" THAT would be in poor taste. Funny as hell, but in poor taste. ... Oh what the hell, go ahead and do it. What's the worst that can happen? They throw you out of the funeral. Funerals are boring anyway. Like a forum thread without Caslon.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:45 PM GMT
    beneful1 saidIf it was me I would absolutely not attend regardless of the reasons others have given. Your sister in law knows the truth. It should be up to her to do the splainin if by chance her sons ever ask why you did not attend.


    You make an excellent observation here, and I agree with what you're saying about Sis.

    -Bill

    Bill's sister is so totally busted up over Nate's death that we're going in the hopes that she will be able to say to the boys that their Uncles are good men who put their feelings aside out of respect for the grief of others.

    (resolution arrives! Eureka!)

    -Doug
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Feb 06, 2011 4:47 PM GMT
    Hi Doug,

    So you two will be going? I think it will be great for his kids to see you there. You will be seen as the better man for not letting Nate's bigotry get the best of you.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:47 PM GMT
    Caslon17000 said
    Go. But dont stand over the casket with your thumbs in your ears and fingers waving, while saying "nanny nanny boo boo!" THAT would be in poor taste. Funny as hell, but in poor taste. ... Oh what the hell, go ahead and do it. What's the worst that can happen? They throw you out of the funeral. Funerals are boring anyway. Like a forum thread without Caslon.



    OMG ROFLMAO! Caslon that's irreverently wonderful, brilliant and Bill completely cracked up!

    xo -Doug and Bill
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:49 PM GMT
    creature saidHi Doug,

    So you two will be going? I think it will be great for his kids to see you there. You will be seen as the better man for not letting Nate's bigotry get the best of you.


    Yes, there was no doubt about going, but we needed to have the right emotional positioning. Hence this topic and hence you guys coming through in the most remarkable way.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:52 PM GMT
    Doug,

    Remember, it's not a prerequisite that you LIKE the deceased in order to attend his funeral. If that was the case, many funerals would be largely unattended.

    I'm glad you're going. You're doing it to show support for Bill, his sister and her family. That's a great reason to go. They'll really appreciate it. And I wouldn't make any reference to the kind of relationship you had with Bill's brother-in-law. Should anyone bring it up (I highly, highly doubt anyone will), just give some sort of generic non-response and change the subject.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 4:57 PM GMT
    rnch said"funerals are for the living".

    a trite cliche; but a true cliche.

    attend for the wife and sons.


    THIS.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 5:00 PM GMT
    LittleDudeWithMuscles saidDoug,

    Remember, it's not a prerequisite that you LIKE the deceased in order to attend his funeral. If that was the case, many funerals would be largely unattended.



    lol, you made me laugh as well. Thanks!

    I never disliked Nate; I felt sorrow for him in a mildly appalled sort of way.

    Bill disliked him, rather intensely. I anticipate others there will be thinking I do, too. That would be hard to take, although I wouldn't fault them for thinking it.

    Oh well.

    -Doug

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2011 5:05 PM GMT
    Go, and show everyone a real "class act," by being there for Bill and the family. The boys will appreciate it, and will see real men practicing tolerance and acceptance.