• Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2011 5:31 AM GMT
    It's crazy to think that at 18 you have fallen in love with the guy you think might be possibly someone you want to keep long term. And then, in a heated argument, he hits you and leaves you with a swollen face, but he also leaves you wondering...

    If this is someone that loves me, is this how it will always be? Will every relationship turn to shit in the end?

    And what makes it worse is you put all of your trust into him and all your emotions and now you feel like you can't trust anyone again.

    You are permanently damaged emotionally...or are you?

    I'm sorry if this post seems dramatic or whiney, but I just wanted your guys' opinions on moving on. How do you move on from something so hard? Honestly, I was a strong person. But now...I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do.

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    Feb 07, 2011 6:09 AM GMT
    No one deserves that kind of treatment, EVER. Whatever happend be strong, dont let this experience define you in future relationships, you will become a stronger person out of this, you have a lot to offer someone dont hide that glow and happiness you can bring into someones life. If you need to talk my inbox is always open.

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    Feb 07, 2011 6:33 AM GMT
    You have to believe that you are worth being treated decently.

    The problem is that asshats think that they can get away with this because the person they beat believes that they deserved the mistreatment.
    If he hits you, he does not love you. He is emotionally stunted and incapable of loving another.
    If he had the emotional development of an adult, he would be able to express himself without having to resort to hitting another.
  • shoelessj

    Posts: 513

    Feb 07, 2011 6:49 AM GMT
    i agree 100% with what the other two guys so far have said.

    First off, NO, this is not permanent. You will move on, you will get over it, you will recover. Yeah, it'll sting for awhile (much more so emotionally than the physical) and you will not ever forget it, but you will HAVE TO move on and forget about him. You may have some feelings about how maybe it wasn't who he was or that maybe if you talked to him again you could work it through, and hell, maybe at some point you may find yourself thinking about him romantically, maybe feeling sorry for him. That's natural, but don't use it as an excuse to go back to him or even try to. He's history.

    I've been there, I've had one or two relationships where i've put all my trust in it, just to have it dumped on and made to feel like a fool. But it doesn't mean that everyone you'll meet and fall in love with will be like that. This whole thing is a gamble, you have to take chances and not worry about feeling stupid or wasting your emotions or whatever because you don't want to be holding back when that one good person (and there are many out there) comes along. I know, you thought he was the one. Well, he wasn't. And as painful as it was to have it end like that, it ended and at you still have your dignity and you should know that you did nothing wrong. In the long run, you're going to be so happy, and he's stuck with himself.

    Don't feel bad though, if you just want to sulk, or do nothing and feel like crap. But as long as you know that what you feel now is temporary and there is no reason to change who you are or how you act, because there's a whole lot of worthy guys who'd love to get to know you.

    (and yeah, if you feel like messaging me if you wanna chat or just vent, go ahead. you're gonna get alot of support here, i'm sure. take care of yourself!)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2011 6:52 AM GMT

    Matt is absolutely right, nobody deserves that treatment. If someone values you for who you are and has feelings for you, they would never do this. You should definitely move on, I can see how love and emotions can blind you, and possibly make you pursue this. DON'T. You are wasting your time, your energy, and your health obviously, on this guy.
    I know it is going to be very hard to move on, and even to accept that there is nothing in the future with him. First things first: realize your inner qualities, and what others love about you. Not two people are the same, and besides your obviously cute looks, I am sure you have a great personality. Focus on that. Focus on your positive traits and characteristics - nobody can take that away from you.
    Meanwhile, spend time with your friends and loved ones. Quality time and recreation are very important during hardships like this. Go out, have some fun - but not with possible guy partners. Spend time pampering yourself, and enjoy life with friends and relatives whom you find close enough to you.
    Once you have had some fun with some other people, and realized your great personality and values, pampered yourself, then return to the topic. Close it. Close the feelings and relationship, put an end to it - you are ready now. Make sure you close this chapter of your life, and move on. Later you will look back and realize: wow, I am so glad I got over it.
    You will find plenty of guys later on, who are so much more worth your time, energy, and worries. Don't let this affect you on the long term, and look at it as an experience you had go through. It taught you a lot, didn't it?

    Make sure you move on. It's not worth it. Life is short, you shouldn't waste valuable time on people who obviously don't deserve it.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3162

    Feb 07, 2011 12:52 PM GMT
    When we're young we think that we'll never find anyone, that once you've found someone you think is pretty decent that you should hold onto that person, and then when that person doesn't turn out to be Prince Charming that it's a pretty big blow. But rest assured you will find someone who deserves you and who loves you and will never hit you or mistreat you. Only a person like that is deserving of your love and affection.

    I'm sorry you're going through this though, it's a bummer. It will get better, trust me! Time heals all wounds, or at least cauterizes them.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16414

    Feb 07, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    Physical mistreatment should never be part of a relationship (not that mental anguish should be), but to suffer physically as a result of an arguement or disagreement is absolutely inappropriate, he crossed the line and should be gone. If he is doing that sort of thing, he should be seeing a psychologist
    or at least getting some counseling....

    And you... you are doing what you need to understand and move forward.
    Congrats for talking about it and it doesn't sound whiney. Just don't become a victim and opt for a repeat by "taking him back". You are worth far more that this!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    As a policeman, I saw domestic abuse almost every day...straight or gay, it does not change....get the hell out and away from this asshole or you will fall into the 'abused partner' syndrome and become part of a vicious for your life and don't look back...............Keithicon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    Hi Stephen109,

    When I was 23 I was with a guy for six months. In that time he secretly quit his job, and while I thought he was at work he was picking up strangers downtown and having sex. We got crabs, we got scabies, while in a bit of sexual withdrawal (my skin was crawling, lol) He caught gonorrhea and then syphilis. I stuck it out. He kept fooling around, openly. Finally one day I'd had enough, told him was stepping out (meeting a stranger) and I did. Nothing happened, but he didn't know that. When I got home he waiting for me and beat me within in inch of my life.

    On remote control, some part of me took over, managed to lift him by his neck up into the air with one hand (my my) and opened the apartment door. The whole building it seemed was standing there with their mouths open.
    I dropped him with a crash and sailed out into them.

    He stalked me to and from work for the next few months. It was just his way, he claimed, of loving me.

    So, with that background I'll tell you to listen to Keith and get completely away from the monster. He DOES NOT love you. He thinks he does. There's a difference.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    Move on-- you deserve better!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2011 7:40 PM GMT
    Slightly different advice, but only slightly.

    Get clear on what you want. If you want him, then he needs to take dramatic steps to change. Time apart is probably a good idea. He needs therapy. Period. Promises aren't enough. Action is necessary.

    If you don't want him, move on. And do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. You will be fine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2011 12:27 AM GMT
    No one should put up with domestic violence.

    To the OP - No, this is not how it will always be. No, this is not how all relationships end. You deserve better. I hope you figure that out sooner, rather than later!

    Best of luck to you.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Feb 08, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    Men who hit are not men, they're cowards and less than worthy of your attention, affection, or tears.

    I'm so angry reading this post, angry that anyone would hit you. You have great value and worth as a man. You're handsome, clearly have the capacity to feel and care and offer something unique, and so it is that you MUST hear us - free yourself from the prison of someone who does not recognize your true worth and who fails to respect you and treat you with dignity.

    Every man here, to a one, will support and encourage you taking your leave of a violent, un-loving, painful relationship to this...THING that hurt you. And frankly, if I was within reasonable proximity, he'd vanish mighty fast for having touched you and left you hurt.

    Yeah, I know, violence does not solve violence, but men who hit - they need to be taken to the curb with the rest of the trash. Period.

    You are free to love and live and find affection that does not confound or lash out in inhuman ways during the conflicts that arise in a relationship, and you have friends here who will give you direction and guidance and places to go and help you get out and get on with a healthy life.

    Do not hesitate at the door - go, and go someplace safe. And let us know when you are there.

    Follow this advice from AVP and let us know when you're someplace safe.

    What you can do:
    Talk with somebody you trust - a friend, relative, someone from work, your house of worship, or a health care practitioner.

    Remember everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Don't let your partner control or mistreat you. Help is available.

    At some time you may find yourself in trouble, so be prepared and put together an "emergency kit" of things you would really need if you had to leave suddenly.
    Sample emergency kit:
    Money - store some cash in a secret place where you can easily get to it. Be sure to include some coins for phone calls.

    Keys - an extra set if keys should be kept in a safe place (at a friend's or neighbor's) in case you need to leave quickly.

    Important papers for you and your children - birth certificates, passports, health insurance documents, photo ID/driver's license, immunization records, checkbook, medication, food stamps, social security cards, etc. (or copies of them) should be kept in a safe place.

    Basic items - keep a small bag with your medicines, copies of your legal papers, an extra pair of glasses, and a set of clothes.

    For help:
    If it's an emergency, call 911 for assistance.
    If it's not an emergency, you still have the right to file a police report. Call your local police department to have a police officer sent out to you or go into any police station to make a report.
    Contact your local Anti-Violence Project or the HATE-CRIME NETWORK:
    Online assistance: click here
    National Domestic Violence Hotline:
    voice: 800.799.SAFE
    TTY: 800.787.32

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2011 1:58 AM GMT
    My dear dear Stephen!!

    No one, absolutely no one, deserves or should put up with domestic violence, even if there were some sort of provocation on the victims part!? and if by any chance you feel like your good intentions, trust, love and devotions betrayed you, PLEASE DON'T!! look at this way sweety; you are the better man for letting those same emotions allow you to see the real you: a loving and unselfish giving soul with enough love within to share with another, and that my dear friend saids much about what a great lover and loving partner you will be to the right person. That said you shouldn't be discouraged by those who do not appreciate the beautiful person that you are, instead learn to validate, explore, and let grow those same qualities you shared but your boyfriend failed to see with someone who will!! and believe me when I tell you, you are going to find lots of guys all lined up and anxiously waiting to be with a guy like you! good luck!!

    Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2011 2:02 AM GMT
    Umm, i cant give advice since i havent been in love with someone and he knows i love him, i havent get a BF and sometimes...i feel sad because i feel alone. Maybe try to do things you usualy do, and do other things videogames even if you dont like them.
    Your Cute btw.icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2011 4:26 AM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Thanks for all that you've said. You guys have really helped. I didn't mean to come off as "whiney" and/or trying to seek attention, I just wanted some advice from people that might have been in the same boat as me and none of my friends have. So again, thank you again.

    I hope each of you have a fabulous day.