dating a closeted man

  • dantheman88

    Posts: 140

    Feb 08, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    Alright, so Im a bi closeted guy and I feel at a disadvantage when it comes to dating a guy.There are various reasons as to why im still in the closet, im basically waiting for the right moment. Well anyways i just broke up with my gf and i feel like going on a date with a man. Any advice on where to find him given my super discreet situation? lol...Also any masc, gl, sane torontonians give me a shout out icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 08, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    radicalguy saidAny advice on where to find him given my super discreet situation?
    Airport bathrooms.
    Bushes in the park.
    Sauna at the gym.
    Etc.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 08, 2011 3:13 AM GMT
    paulies being his own goofy self but in some ways very right on the money...if you want a hook up...see above....dating an out guy is really difficult, i have dated a guy not out and the dynamics are hard for the outed guy to move around.................Keithicon_wink.gif
  • dantheman88

    Posts: 140

    Feb 08, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    lol paul ur funny man...and yea i dont really want a random hook up..ive done those and i dont find them fully satisfying.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 08, 2011 3:20 AM GMT
    That's why you have the internet, no?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 08, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    I'm kind of in the same shoes. I'm not out, only my close friends know. So its kind of hard for me to date too. After a long search and I came to the conclusion its almost impossible to date in the closet. The only thing I could do it hook up (which i'm not interested in) OR wait until i decide to come out (which is what i chose).

    Dating in the closet is like having the walls around you fall apart when you least expect it. Its better to come out and than begin a meaningful relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 08, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    radicalguy saidlol paul ur funny man...and yea i dont really want a random hook up..ive done those and i dont find them fully satisfying.
    Unfortunately, until you're ready to come out, hookups are likely to be the closest thing to a relationship you'll have.
    A regular hookup buddy might be an option...I've done that with a closeted guy here, but that didn't last long because he was too afraid of being found out since we were doing it "too often."
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Feb 08, 2011 4:42 AM GMT
    You may be at a disadvantage, but dating someone in the closet puts the relationship at a disadvantage. No meeting each other's friends, no real dates unless you've drove 30 minutes away, no family gatherings. It kind of limits the relationship to your residence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 08, 2011 5:58 AM GMT
    yeah good luck with that whole closet thing...if you were to be more open about it, you wouldnt be having a hassle...then again...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 08, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    The reason you're at a disadvantage is because no one wants to "hang out" with his "buddy" when he could be on an actual date with a man. Getting a list of 100 places that you can't go because you're afraid you might run into someone you know isn't much fun either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 08, 2011 6:28 AM GMT
    You are gonna be at a major disadvantage until you come clean and just man up about who you are. I get that it isn't easy but the risk you take for not being open about yourself can cause you some serious pain. Far more pain then what anyone else will cause you. There's really no nice way to go about it unless you wanna keep doing the random hook up thing which is meaningless, empty sex with strangers. It's fun the first few times (so I'm told) but it gets real old real quick. I wouldn't say you are really at a disadvantage if you are playing the bi card. If anything more doors should be open to you.

    Your next best option is to a find another closeted guy similar to you and go from there. They exist and you can find them mostly in gyms. Most "out" guys do not want to go back into the closet with someone who isn't secure about them self. They've been there and done that and most (if any) aren't going back. You will be lucky if you can find someone willing to be your little secret on the side.

    Best of luck to you buddy and try knowing you before trying to know anyone else. That'll makes things much easier for what you seek in someone else.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 08, 2011 6:40 AM GMT
    radicalguy saidAlright, so Im a bi closeted guy and I feel at a disadvantage when it comes to dating a guy.There are various reasons as to why im still in the closet, im basically waiting for the right moment. Well anyways i just broke up with my gf and i feel like going on a date with a man. Any advice on where to find him given my super discreet situation? lol...Also any masc, gl, sane torontonians give me a shout out icon_razz.gif
    radicalguy, i actually think you can date a guy while still in the closet. the question is how closeted are you. many of the guys i have hungout with have been very masculine. if they are masculine then you will not have a problem. i have met several men that wanted to date me even though i am not out. if they really care about you and like you. they will understand. the best places to meet guys is the gym and unfortunately online dating sites. trust me you do not have to go to clubs or bars to meet them because you never meet the type of guys you like at those places. anyhow, i wish you luck buddy and if you ever want to talk hit me up
  • kewlkat

    Posts: 10

    Feb 08, 2011 10:27 AM GMT
    radicalguy, you can definitely date if you're in the closet. I'm bi and sleep with both. I cant speak for Toronto because I have never visited, but in New York, its not too complicated. I will say that its a lot harder than dating women or being out and dating men for sure. My advice to you would be to watch the eyes, they always tell the truth. If you want to know what someone is interested in, just pay attention to what they look at. Even the most closeted will eventually let their guard down. I've caught and subsequently chatted up a few guys this way, and it has worked out most of the time. You'll find guys who are actually str8 and who are very friendly and like you as a friend, you'll find str8 guys who may fool around then disappear, you'll find closeted bi guys who hate themselves (one guy told me he was not gay while I was fucking him mid stroke! now that's deeeep in the closet), you'll also find guys who are just like you seem to be, exploring and open. I find that once I got over myself and the fear of being rejected or outed or something, it was way easier to approach guys. The problem is that because were not out, we will strike out more than if we were. Took awhile, but now Im seeing a guy who's like me. We go out with my friends, have a normal night, sometimes sneak an ass grab or a dick tug, sometimes bring a girl home, etc. Funny though how when we first started hooking up girls still hit on both of us, but now their first question is are you guys gay? I think it's in the eyes now and they can tell we look at each other differently. Best of luck and do u. Dont let people tell you that you have to burst out of the closet all at once because you don't. Take ur time, get comfortable with yourself first, then go chat up some goodlooking closeted dudes who are eying the hot bartender when they think no one is looking!