My Story: Bi In A Conservative Society!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2011 3:38 AM GMT
    Hey everyone

    This is my first post on a forum, gay forum or any forum. I apologize ahead for any improper forum behavior. I decided to to share something that's been bothering me, perhaps someone will show me the light to a better understanding of my current state.

    Let's call me Newguy. I am 20 years old. I've had a very healthy life, never encountered any problems. I guess I was lucky in that aspect. With a very happy childhood, my parents were very supportive, and spoiled me. My allowance and curfew were always substantially more abundant than my friends. The care they showed me was and still is beautiful. In summary, and thanks to their financial capability, I got everything I asked for, from traveling to expensive items to expensive hobbies... Despite all the spoiling going around, I am not a spoiled kid in a negative way. I was never a brat. So, ironically I turned out to be the most responsible guy in my class, I never started smoking for example while all the guys in my class were and always got the best grades. Small details. Anyways, growing up I've had the same supportive friends all my life. Where I come from it's different from the American European individualistic culture. Society is very important. I come from an arabic background. In an arabic society, you can't be gay. In a society where ''everyone knows everyone'', with a solid foundation of friendship and family orientation, there are sacrifices. The sacrifices consist of strict rules both for men, but more emphasized for women. One for men, for example, is that you can't be gay or bi. Needless to say, the way the arabic society works isn't perfect, but it makes sure that everyone belongs, no one is lonely, and the fun is constant. If you're sick, or need help you WILL have people around you. Your parents have to sponsor you financially until you start working. Same applies for us, who will have children in the future. So generally I am masculine, straight looking and acting, I have to say I am very loved by all the people around me because ''I have a white heart''. I am generous, caring, and the social glue. Ok I have to remember that this is not my autobiography! lol

    To get to the point. I dated a few girls in my life, and they've always turned me on sexually. I didn't have any problems with girls what so ever. But at age 13, I noticed that I was also turned on by two men kissing on a porn ad channel. (Too young for porn?). For some reason, and until today I've never told any one. I guess you're not surprised. So, I had my fair share of gay/bi porn and fantasies. So that's how my life went. I am happy, but there's always the need for some man love. Coming back home and my boyfriend has prepared food. Going out clubbing with my friends and my boyfriend. SNAP OUT OF IT! My friends and family love me and all, but I don't know how to explain it. If I ever come out, an entire structured and well built building in a city, called my life and society, will suffer a gigantesque earth quake. They're all so homophobic that there reactions, as calm as they could be in the beginning, will lead to an eventual irrational turmoil. The problem is that not only my casi-perfect life will be affected, but my parents will suffer the consequences, the family will have to go through the ''shame'' and I might lose my lifetime friends.

    So voila, everything seems to be in place, but it seems there's always an imperfection. A loophole, me being bi, that makes sure that life is not perfect. I am not sure if a lot of people have the same problem with coming out, whether they're gay or bi. All I know is that if anything, I have to be discreet. I'll have to make my new relationship with my soon to be boyfriend (if I ever find an understanding one who will go through my craziness) look straight. And sometimes, you could have it all, but you can't be honest with the people you love.

    Thank you for reading and any advice is more than welcomed, but cherished and maybe embraces.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    Well, in at least one regard, you're in luck - there's a whole chunk of bisexual or gay men who live/thrive/love the "discreet" or "straight" lifestyle. Just check any gay sex or personal listing site on the internet and you'll find more than you'd ever imagine.

    But be warned - constantly covering-up who you are can take it's toll. I've seen no end to the stories of guys struggling with their sexuality and experiencing some very hurtful (and sometimes destructive) mental breakdowns. While you seem to be very comfortable with the idea of your bisexuality (which is fantastic), purposefully keeping that from others can wear away at you - even if it's in a society that almost requires you to act straight.

    In the end, some gay/bisexual men make a "discreet" lifestyle work and others don't. It all seems to come down to what we come to value most - being honest or being accepted. And unfortunately, those don't always come hand-in-hand.

    Either way, best of luck to you! Go be the best boyfriend you can be! *single tear*
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    Feb 08, 2011 4:56 AM GMT
    Dude...this is Montreal. No one cares here if you're straight,bi or whatever.
    Just dont tell your parents and thats it.
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    Feb 08, 2011 5:01 AM GMT
    I think you should listen to those two guys.

    -Doug
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    Feb 08, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    @New guy

    You sound awfully like me and similar social/life setting...

    However I am making most of my life and live a discreet life as a bisexual. I have a few people who know about it, but are in my trusted council of friends

    Also I'm still tethered to family so I can can't leave the docks yet until I am fully readied to set sail.


    You do what you can mate Its not going to be easy, but remember, your own life and way you live it is your own personal business. No one should care otherwise unless, you are purposely causing malicious harm.
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    Feb 08, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    Hey brother - firstly welcome to RJ and kudos on being candid..the first step. We all have walls in our life of one sort or another, and we do find that no man is an island - everything we are and do ripples away from us to touch someone else........

    You have verbalized well your inner thoughts so you have obviously come to terms in a large way with who you are.....the question and task ahead is....do you want to live who you are?

    Being from an arabic family is your wall...others are from fundamentalist religious families as well.....some are just from homophoebic families....to others their peer group is their wall.....and yet to others, their own self is their wall...

    We scale one wall, maybe it's not that high.....we come to another, maybe a bit higher.............they are always in our life.......they make us stronger each time we scale one..............

    The answer is in your heart..........how many are you prepared to scale?

    Best of spirits with you................................Keithicon_wink.gif
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    Feb 08, 2011 5:29 AM GMT
    Your parents will love you no matter what.
    I think it would be more detrimental to you and possible long-term bf if you don't tell them. Family can play a pretty important role in relationships.
    I dont I just feel like not telling the people you love is betraying them in a way.
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    Feb 08, 2011 5:45 AM GMT
    I have to disagree with mnboy on this one. In different cultures you do stand to lose family and friends. For us here in the US (and probably Canada) I think your parents do tend to stand by you regardless.

    Living in Montreal should offer you more opportunities than if you lived in the middle east. Even with the cultural differences, you're living in an area that is very accepting. I agree, go out and enjoy yourself but you don't have to tatoo anything on your forehead quite yet.

    You're 20 and you have many years to become comfortable with who you are and to figure out what type of person would be the best fit for you.
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    Feb 08, 2011 5:57 AM GMT
    Be yourself and respect yourself, do that honeslty, and everything else will fall into place, roughly at first maybe, but all for the best in the long run.
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    Feb 08, 2011 7:39 AM GMT
    Hey everyone! I am touched by your concern. Thank you so much... Stilsurchin I will try to overcome those walls... really I will.
    Aerovolter thank you! it makes me feel better to hear it from you
    Meninlove I will! (8
    Snowboarder I know! You're right I should diversify my friends more
    Fivealive & zoom1969 it's true, it sucks and I understand you!
    mnboy thanks for the advice but like eb925guy pointed out, it really isn't that easy. I mean an entire future could be at risk. I have to remind you that there are different cultural backgrounds, each with their positive and negative sides right?
    Spidey54 I will always respect my self. What a noble man you are!
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Feb 08, 2011 7:52 AM GMT
    I think you should join a local bisexual support group. You're very aware of the situation and potential consequences you face, but you need to associate with others in the same situation as you so that you can share your strength together. At some time, you know that revealing your sexual orientation to your loved ones will one day have to come, but in the meantime, you need to develop a support structure that is sympathetic to your situation.
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    Feb 08, 2011 8:57 AM GMT
    I'm going to take a crack at dissecting the background portion of your post because it seemed like much of it was written with an underlying purpose behind it, and it might make it easier to understand with context. Take it all with a grain of salt as always and by all means correct icon_smile.gif

    newguy90 saidLet's call me Newguy. I am 20 years old. I've had a very healthy life, never encountered any problems. I guess I was lucky in that aspect. With a very happy childhood, my parents were very supportive, and spoiled me. My allowance and curfew were always substantially more abundant than my friends. The care they showed me was and still is beautiful.



    You're here because of your sexuality, but you don't feel like you can blame being bi on any traumatic event. In fact, it appears that you feel guilty as your being bi might be a disappointment to your parents who treated you so well.


    newguy90 saidSo, ironically I turned out to be the most responsible guy in my class, I never started smoking for example while all the guys in my class were and always got the best grades. [..] Society is very important. [...] In a society where ''everyone knows everyone'', with a solid foundation of friendship and family orientation, there are sacrifices. The sacrifices consist of strict rules both for men, but more emphasized for women. One for men, for example, is that you can't be gay or bi. Needless to say, the way the arabic society works isn't perfect, but it makes sure that everyone belongs, no one is lonely, and the fun is constant. If you're sick, or need help you WILL have people around you. Your parents have to sponsor you financially until you start working. Same applies for us, who will have children in the future.



    You're a mature guy with a good head on your shoulders, someone others have come to trust and rely on. The way society works gives you a purpose, one that everyone expects you to fulfill because you are so responsible. I kinda get the idea that you feel it would be almost selfish to not sacrifice for society like others do and/or you might be breaking their trust by exploring your sexuality.


    newguy90 saidSo generally I am masculine, straight looking and acting, I have to say I am very loved by all the people around me because ''I have a white heart''. I am generous, caring, and the social glue.



    And this is the real reason I did this. Here you sound like one of my ex's, but he termed it as "being the cog" in his parents' marriage, and when he came out, the cog went missing and since then blamed himself for their divorce.
    On your side, yes, you might be a VERY important person to a lot of people, but the reality is that your life is your own. Whatever you do in life, others will adapt, they'll go on. Please don't guilt yourself into whatever designs others might have for you. It is something that many people do, and it will be very stressful and painful just because the standards set are many times unrealistically high. Again, people will adapt to whatever happens, society didn't happen because you came along to make it go so smooth, it's been here long before you and will remain long after you. Don't destroy yourself because you feel responsible for things that might go wrong in it.


    I'm hoping I overreacted to your last bit; Depression sucks to battle against! icon_mad.gif
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    Feb 09, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    Hatter I have to thank you for this meticulous analysis of my story! I really appreciate what you did.. And I think you're right. Freedom is an infectious feeling. Cheers to that!
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    Feb 09, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    So, you're basically living a lie. How is that working out for you? Obviously if it wasn't a problem, you wouldn't be on RJ posting about it and asking for advice/opinions.
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    Feb 09, 2011 11:05 PM GMT
    Every day when you wake up, ask yourself this question: Am I happy?

    If the answer is consistently "no" then only you can change it.

    From the sound of things, you're pretty much ready to come out of the closet anyway, but just haven't found the right words to say. Well, there are no right words...sometimes you just have to take a deep breath, be blunt, and take whatever it gives you.

    You have my best wishes. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 09, 2011 11:35 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidSo, you're basically living a lie. How is that working out for you? Obviously if it wasn't a problem, you wouldn't be on RJ posting about it and asking for advice/opinions.


    judgemental much?icon_rolleyes.gif
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Feb 09, 2011 11:40 PM GMT
    stilsurchin said
    catfish5 saidSo, you're basically living a lie. How is that working out for you? Obviously if it wasn't a problem, you wouldn't be on RJ posting about it and asking for advice/opinions.


    judgemental much?icon_rolleyes.gif
    By posting your life's story and asking for help you are asking to be a judged to a certain degree. I agree with catfish though.
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    Feb 10, 2011 6:31 AM GMT
    newguy90 said
    mnboy thanks for the advice but like eb925guy pointed out, it really isn't that easy. I mean an entire future could be at risk. I have to remind you that there are different cultural backgrounds, each with their positive and negative sides right?


    I come from a very strict Irish Catholic family.
    I imagine it is fairly plain on its view to gays. If your family is remotely like mine anything you try to put up as a buffer won't help it will all translate the same.
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    Feb 10, 2011 6:36 AM GMT
    snowboarder saidDude...this is Montreal. No one cares here if you're straight,bi or whatever.
    Just dont tell your parents and thats it.


    I'm with this guy, I explored my sexuality from the "conservative" Toronto, all while in Montreal. Some of the best times of my life are in that city and I go back on vacation there and still have good times, in all aspects of good for a gay dude. Leave your parents outta the equation for now.
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    Feb 11, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    mizu5 said
    stilsurchin said
    catfish5 saidSo, you're basically living a lie. How is that working out for you? Obviously if it wasn't a problem, you wouldn't be on RJ posting about it and asking for advice/opinions.


    judgemental much?icon_rolleyes.gif
    By posting your life's story and asking for help you are asking to be a judged to a certain degree. I agree with catfish though.


    judging doesn't do a fucking thing except make the judge feel falsely superior..........we should all be so perfect.................Keithicon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 12, 2011 9:19 AM GMT
    Stilsurch it's ok! Really don't bother defending! But I am really thankful.

    In fact, I wasn't asking to be judged, I was looking for an advice, which I got from so many nice people!

  • coastguy90814

    Posts: 661

    Feb 12, 2011 10:17 AM GMT
    hey buddy be TRUE to yourself and don't hide behind the veil of Bisexuality. All the best, good luck and remember it's 2011 for Godsakes! :-)