DATING: Too Much Grey In The Way.

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    Feb 08, 2011 5:59 AM GMT
    Isn't the worst part of dating trying to figure out if you're exclusive with one person? I mean there are so many grey areas in dating that it really makes me a nervous wreck at times. It is like buying a new car and waiting in that cold office for the approval from the bank. You're in there thinking, "Is it mine - is it mine?" That's exactly what dating feels like to me. You find the right guy and then you just don't know if he belongs to you because there is so much grey in the way. Unlike the bank who gives you a yes/no; in dating there is no clear answer. Sometimes you just don't know what to do because the rules differ with each person. For example, I was seeing this one guy for 3-weeks and I wanted to ask if we were exclusive. I didn't know if I should ask because I heard him tell a friend that we had not put labels on anything and that we were just dating. Long story short, it didn't workout. Not because I pushed to be exclusive but because I didn't appreciate the lies. He turned out to be a little bit of a truth bender and that "shiaat" don't fly.

    So why is dating really this hard? I mean do people not want to find prince charming anymore. There is not a month that goes by that I don't sit on the couch and watch Beauty and the Beast. A girl can dream right? Not that I'm a girl but since that movie is about a heterosexual girl having a crush on this huge big monster, who ends up becoming Mr. Hunk, I might as well call myself a girl. Apparently the desire to be in a monogamous relationship has faded with the gays. I bet there is someone out there who is just like me who wants to have ONE boyfriend and not 20, but where is he?

    I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just not the ideal candidate for dating. Then again no one is perfect. So what if I have a little cleaning OCD, or ask too many questions, or always try to make plans instead of going with the flow. Everyone has their own way of doing things, right? I'm open to compromising and making a treaty (I learned about treaties in 7th grade civics class) if the other person is willing to. I just need clearer answers instead of dealing with all the grey space in dating.

    At any rate... I'm going to drop this note right around here because by now you probably think I'm a little nutto, which I probably am, but who isn't now a days.
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    Feb 08, 2011 6:19 AM GMT
    You remind me of a two year old race horse....strong, muscled and ready to run, but you still don't know how to load into the gate, and you push at it rather than waiting for it to open....nothing wrong with that because in time, you will learn how the race is run and as you grow and get stronger you will know that you have to pace yourself around the track in order to keep your stamina.............

    You're exceedingly handsome and desirable, appear to have a capable personality on your profile, and should make a good contender..........just be ........patient.............. grasshopper.............there is wisdom in slowness.........Keithicon_wink.gif
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    Feb 08, 2011 6:29 AM GMT
    Frankly, if you behave in person like what you just wrote, then you just wrote your own answer to what you just wrote.

    You're a good-looking young man, but I suspect you're a little too tense, and intense, with guys you meet. Relax, idle-back, lay back, go with the flow.

    Direct any OCD tendencies to achieving success in school & your career, but not to your personal life. Other people rarely like to get involved with OCD personalities. You said it yourself, and you do show some signs of it.
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    Feb 08, 2011 1:40 PM GMT
    AleksandrDissan said I was seeing this one guy for 3-weeks and I wanted to ask if we were exclusive.

    There's your problem.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 08, 2011 1:47 PM GMT
    I wonder what that would be like. I was involved with my bf before I ever came out.. then did, so technically in the gay world I've never been single....
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    Feb 08, 2011 2:03 PM GMT
    You cannot expect exclusivity until you are both ready. For me 3 weeks would be enough time to make that decision provided we had been almost living together -- spending LOTS of time together and sleeping over most nights. But if we were only seeing each other once or twice a week, 3 weeks would not be enough.

    Also, I'm not sure who you are attracted to, but when I started dating guys based on their relationship potential rather than on how hard my cock got upon the sight of them, I found a lasting monogamous relationship pretty quick.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 08, 2011 2:33 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]AleksandrDissan said[/cite]Isn't the worst part of dating trying to figure out if you're exclusive with one person? I mean there are so many grey areas in dating that it really makes me a nervous wreck at times. It is like buying a new car and waiting in that cold office for the approval from the bank. You're in there thinking, "Is it mine - is it mine?" That's exactly what dating feels like to me. You find the right guy and then you just don't know if he belongs to you because there is so much grey in the way. Unlike the bank who gives you a yes/no; in dating there is no clear answer. Sometimes you just don't know what to do because the rules differ with each person. For example, I was seeing this one guy for 3-weeks and I wanted to ask if we were exclusive. I didn't know if I should ask because I heard him tell a friend that we had not put labels on anything and that we were just dating. Long story short, it didn't workout. Not because I pushed to be exclusive but because I didn't appreciate the lies. He turned out to be a little bit of a truth bender and that "shiaat" don't fly.
    dating is hard but trying to figure out if you are exclusive should be the easiest part. that question should come up when you are dating. at some point you two should have that talk. i thought only women did the i wonder if we are exclusive thing
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    Feb 08, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    lol, there's not a thing wrong with asking someone if the two of you are exclusive after 3 weeks of dating. However, how you ask is as important as the asking itself. Saying you're exclusive is NOT marrying each other. Ay yi yi.

    OCD? Fliddlegish, I prefer some of that. It all depends on how it's applied and to what.

    I was very upfront about being a one-on-one kind of guy. It separated the men from the boys, (and scared the crap out of the flakes, lol!).

    -Doug
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Feb 08, 2011 3:25 PM GMT
    You say dating "is like buying a new car and waiting in that cold office for the approval from the bank. You're in there thinking, "Is it mine - is it mine?". This tells me that you are probably going into dates with way too many expectations, perhaps expecting too much too soon. This intensity may have a tendency to scare guys off. Try to kick back and just enjoy getting to know someone, then let nature take its course. Things have a way of working out the way they are meant to if you just let yourself go with the flow.
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    Feb 08, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    Thank God, I thought this was going to be agist, LOL
  • joeindallas

    Posts: 484

    Feb 08, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    had a trainer in Dallas totally grey at an early age TOTAL STUD, Grey hair is no difference than blond or red heads
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    Feb 08, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    joeindallas saidhad a trainer in Dallas totally grey at an early age TOTAL STUD, Grey hair is no difference than blond or red heads


    So this is a thread about my hair! It use to be red, then started turning blond before going white (or grey).

    Now to the OP what you call grey I call getting to know a guy. First DUMP your Disney analogies. There are no princes and if that is what you are looking for stay at home and rent movies. Your analogy of a car doesn't work either because there is a lot more predictable in a cars behavior than a human. We control cars, we don't control other people and we certainly don't want to be driving the relationship.

    Now I've said this many times but we give a guy far too much credit from the outset if we are attracted to him. Those first months of getting to know someone really come down to the realization that the guy we are dating doesn't correspond to the image we had when we began. If we still like him for who he is, then a relationship blossoms. If we find his lack of perfection hard to take than we move on to our next fantasy.

    A better analogy to dating is interviewing for jobs. Life is filled with gray areas. Think about even the way to spell the word, is grey or gray depending if you are British or American.
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    Feb 08, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    I always go with my gut, and it has served me well in the past. I like my relationships--whether they are platonic friendships, dating, committed, FB/FWB, etc.--to be uncomplicated, easy, comfortable, and unforced. You can't worry about too many things when you're dating or getting to know another person--e.g., where is this relationship going? does he like me enough? is he hooking up with other people? is he lying to me? am i ready for it? is he ready for it? should I hook up with other people? does he think of me often? etc., etc., etc. If it's meant to be, it's going to happen. And when it does happen, thank your lucky stars and make him the happiest person on earth; if it doesn't happen, be thankful that you experienced something beautiful. Life is too short to worry about things that might prove inconsequential in the long run. Personally, it scares me when someone I'm seeing starts over-analyzing our "relationship." And, by the way, I don't buy the "is it mine, isn't it mine" appraoch--it's not an ownership issue, and we're not material possessions to be marked "SOLD." You must trust yourself and the other guy and hope that both of you will do the right thing as mature individuals--that's all that matters. Have fun, enjoy life!
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    Feb 08, 2011 4:55 PM GMT
    You answered your own question . You are a girl with a fantasy to be in a heterosexual relationship with a guy. Problem is all the movies, tv, and romance novels are fiction even for a female.
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Feb 08, 2011 5:43 PM GMT
    Three weeks......how many dates in those 3 weeks?

    Have you by any chance....but maybe actaully 'talked' about where you and he would want this to go? You don't have to be exclusive at 3 weeks, it depends on the progression of things. How you feel, what your instincts are. Decide for yourself if you want it to be exclusive at some point, and then do the unthinkable.....ASK HIM! What does he think about the two of you? Does he want this to develope into something exclusive or is he content just dating?

    Dating can be fun, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you, it's just that he's open to meeting others still......nothing wrong with that if that's where you are both at....but you'll never know until you.....(see above)!
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    Feb 08, 2011 5:47 PM GMT
    Dude. I totally feel you and I dont think that what you are asking for is unreasonable at all. Maybe trying to be exclusive after 3 weeks is a but much but the desire for exclusivity is not a bad thing. I would suggest that you not discuss becoming exclusive so early but that you make sure that you discover whether or not the person is even interested in the possibility.
    The goal of a lot of gay men is to get a much sex as they can as efficiently as possible, and being in a relationship isn't conducive to that. Straight society puts constraint on people who want to go out and have sex with everyone they see, but gays don't really have any constraints because nobody cares what they do. For a long time being gay was so bad that you had already crossed the line. Fucking a guy and fucking 20 guys didnt really change the level of moral degeneracy that people associated with you so people just did whatever they wanted to do.

    You have to be as efficient about looking for a relationship as other guys are in looking for sex. Its interesting that on the third date if you ask a guy how big his dick is that's flirting, but if you talk about the possibility of developing a relationship people are like " he's crazy!" If people can talk about dicks early in the process, they can man up and talk about commitment too. You're a good looking guy so you have to come to terms with the fact that most men you meet are trying to figure out how to fuck you and run away. You need to be as aggressive about finding commitment as they are about finding sex. Don't let anyone tell you what you're looking for isn't out there, because it is. It's going to be really hard to find but it's out there somewhere. You don't have to submit to the idea that wanting more than casual sex makes you weird because it doesn't.
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    Feb 08, 2011 9:15 PM GMT
    I'll repeat some of the advice you've already gotten.
    First, relax. Enjoy the process of dating. You can't be exclusive until you've dated. You need to get to know the person first. Sometimes a date doesn't work out, sometimes it does.

    Second, stop watching Disney movies. Trying to compare your life to a Disney film is incredibly unfair to your date and horribly unrealistic.
    In Disney films, the prince comes along and solves all of the princess's problems. No not even hope that real life is anything like this.
    Also, fairy tales all end with "they lived happily ever after." Relationships are work, even the best of them.

    Life is a journey. Just because you want to be in a relationship, but are in the dating phase can be a good thing. It's a chance to learn about yourself, how you are in a date, what you're looking for, and to appreciate what goes into finding a partner.
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    Feb 08, 2011 9:32 PM GMT
    Here's my take on your post:

    You need to stop trying so hard. Go out and live your life, pursue your goals, and fulfill your dreams. Someone may or may not come along in the process that wants to share your life. Ultimately, you are in charge of your own life's happiness. Don't rely on others to make you happy.
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    Feb 08, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    Best thing I can say for this type of situation is:

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    Simmer+down+na.jpg

  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Feb 08, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    DATING: Too Much Grey In The Way.

    What is the correct spelling: G R A Y or G R E Y ?

    This word always confuses the fuck out of me.
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    Feb 08, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    Hey,

    I read your post and I have to say I understand how you feel.

    The good news is that some guys will want to be your exclusive boyfriend after a short time (i.e. 3 weeks). Personally, I am someone who likes exclusivity. All of my past boyfriends, and my current boyfriend have agreed to be exclusive with me and me with them, after about 3 dates. Yes that might be very shocking to some, but it's true.

    So don't give hope, there are guys out there who actually want exclusivity early on. Guys who bend truths or guys who make you chase endlessly after them are not worth your time, no matter how good looking they are, in my humble opinion.
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    Feb 08, 2011 11:26 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI wonder what that would be like. I was involved with my bf before I ever came out.. then did, so technically in the gay world I've never been single....


    That Chris is so fuckin jaw dropping sexy and a big goody-two shoes. Always the best advice. Like Dorathy on Golden Girls. Sensible. Contemporary. Smart. Very Competent.

    I would hate to trim his grass and hedges and not do a perfect job.icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 09, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    monet saidDATING: Too Much Grey In The Way.

    What is the correct spelling: G R A Y or G R E Y ?

    This word always confuses the fuck out of me.


    gray= American spelling
    grey= British spelling

    That is all.
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    Feb 09, 2011 4:55 AM GMT
    After a couple of weeks you enter the getting to know you phase. It's the getting to know you phase where people decide what they're next move should be. You're going through something a lot a lot of guys wonder who are dating actually. Sometimes it takes a little while to get to know someone well enough where you make that decision to either get more serious with them or keep looking.

    You should you have the talk about dating other people or if you want to get more serious with your relationship when you're comfortable. It's a perfectly fine to do so too, I don't know why there's a bit of backlash against a relationship. Nothing wrong with being exclusive, just don't push too hard for it or you'll push the guy away.

    You're good looking, you have some quirks which make you cute and you'll find a guy who wants you as much as you want them. You may even ask eachother, "should we be exclusive?"

    Don't get too anxious; you're ahead of a lot of guys who want to date. It's only a matter of time before you get into a good monogamous relationship.
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    Feb 10, 2011 12:49 PM GMT
    AleksandrDissan saidThere is not a month that goes by that I don't sit on the couch and watch Beauty and the Beast. A girl can dream right? Not that I'm a girl but since that movie is about a heterosexual girl having a crush on this huge big monster, who ends up becoming Mr. Hunk, I might as well call myself a girl.


    Hate that part, I was utterly disappointed when the beast turned into a prince... I think, he was helluvalot more charming as an animal (not that I'm crazy about bears or anything)... just sayin'