Feb 2011: 1 Year Update after Ending a 5 Year Relationship

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    Feb 09, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    The original thread posted 1 year ago:

    "5 Year Relationship & I am still his secret: What Should I do?"
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/814377

    I started the above thread a year ago as I was going through a lot of turmoil in my relationship, weighing up whether to break up with my partner of 5 years or to continue on. About six weeks (mid-March 2010) after that original post I made the decision to break up with my partner.

    Well, it's been one year since the original posting of that thread (Feb 2010) and it's time for an update. More the point, however, I need feedback and suggestions about my current circumstances and some of the people who posted in this thread before made some very useful comments.

    Months 1-6 after breakup

    For the first month after the break-up, I was doing okay. Although I was going through the grief of the separation, I was feeling comfortable with my decision and knew I had made a choice that was in both of our best interests. But that one month honeymoon came to a rapid end when my partner gave me some very sad news...

    One of the key reasons I made the decision to break up with my partner was his absolute refusal to get a HIV test. Well, about one month after I broke up with him he sent me a text from a hospital bed in another city stating he had been hospitalized and diagnosed with HIV. But it got worse. His illness was at a very advanced stage and over the course of the next 1-2 months he nearly died twice from related infections and complications. Throughout that entire period I was the only person who was at his bedside and the only person whom he told about his status - it was very sad time for both of us. As far as I know, he still hasn't told anyone else but me. (NB: I am negative).

    In the months following his diagnosis we remained "separated" but spoke on a daily basis. Although we were living in different cities at that time, I continued to visit him and supported him through all that he was experiencing. We didn't get back together as a couple and I followed through with my original plan to meet other people and restart my sex life which had died during the last couple of years of our relationship. I was open with him about the fact I had started meeting other people.

    Months 7-12 after breakup

    About six months ago, however, my ex moved back to the city I live in and bit by bit we have fallen back into the same relationship we had before I broke up with him. I gave up on the "dating" scene I had begun to explore and started spending more and more time with him. As things currently stand, I feel like we are back at square one. Without directly saying we have reunited as a couple, we absolutely have in all practical senses. We speak daily, we regularly stay at each others house (sleeping in the same bed), and he uses all of the same terms of endearment for me that he did before we broke up.

    It's of no surprise that as we have drifted back together my mood and outlook on life have started to crash again. I feel back in the same situation that I was in one year ago - trapped in a very problematic relationship. Although he is at least now dealing with his health (he is on medication & doing much better), he remains in the closet 100% and we have no active sex life. We are best friends and have a great connection, but I think we are both hurting each other by allowing ourselves to become a couple again. I want to re-explore separation but I am scared about losing my closest friend in the world and feel sad that he now has the burden of HIV to live with as well.

    If you got this far - thanks for reading - please share your thoughts with me..
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    Feb 09, 2011 2:12 PM GMT
    Well its good that you are there for him, but you need to put your foot down.. You can't be emotionally black mailed by him, because as I see it, you only view him as your best friend and confidant and not as a lover. People often stay in this scenario because of fear of loneliness.

    Be straight with him in fact that you need to see other people or rather YOU need to be seeing someone else, who craves similar things as you do.

    In saying that it won't be easy for him to accept, but your former lover can not dictate your life.


    Have a heart to heart talk with him.You can certainly be room mates and help him in his needs, but not the needs that fulfills in being as a couple.
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    Feb 09, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    As I responded to your original post, I stayed that you should leave him the hell behind for all the lying, cheating, running away from you during uncomfortable outside run ins with people, etc...etc...

    I feel for you dude and understand your compassion for your friend, bf, what ever you call him, but when is it going to stop? You must take your life into your own hands and limit your contact with this guy. Make a rule for your self and visit him 1 day a week or something.

    You must like this type of relationship and find it normal, but guess what, for all that you dealt with, this is not normal. And in my opinion I would have never thought of this guy as a friend or boy friend. The things he has done to you are horrible and none of my great relationships ever treated me like that or did I ever allow that.

    You might to want consider seeing a therapist too, but from your track record I'm guessing he will always go fishing and your going to be the one to bite, and he will keep throwing you back in and history repeats it self.

    Is this compassion or self hate?
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    Feb 09, 2011 3:50 PM GMT
    Agree, get some therapy to avoid settling back into something that is in some way comfortable for you.
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    Feb 09, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    I have a friend like you who has this one fatal flaw, if you can call it a flaw; the inexplicable need to be everyone's doormat. The people she allows to take advantage of her never do anything for her in return. I guess she is a saint of some kind but if you are unhappy about it please know that there are tons are really good people out there to share your life with. You will not be losing anything if you move on.
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    Feb 09, 2011 8:08 PM GMT
    KaliforniaCool said
    I feel for you dude and understand your compassion for your friend, bf, what ever you call him, but when is it going to stop?

    ^ I know, I've asked myself the same question over and over again.

    KaliforniaCool said
    You must like this type of relationship and find it normal, but guess what, for all that you dealt with, this is not normal.

    ^ Prior to this r/ship I would never have imagined I would end up in a situation like this. But when something abnormal happens over and over again, it starts to become normal. Yes, I've lost sight of what's okay and what isn't, but obviously on an emotional level my heart knows the answer, hence my distress. Part of the reason for talking about my r/ship anonymously in an internet forum is to help me regain a sense of perspective - people who don't know me at all are in some ways more objective about the facts of the situation than are my close friends etc.

    KaliforniaCool saidYou might to want consider seeing a therapist too, but from your track record I'm guessing he will always go fishing and your going to be the one to bite, and he will keep throwing you back in and history repeats it self.

    ^ I agree. Participating in group therapy helped during/after the original breakup last year. But I stopped going and surprise, surprise, I returned to the same pattern...

    KaliforniaCool said
    Is this compassion or self hate?

    ^ Good question. In reality, it's probably a combination of both.
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    Feb 09, 2011 8:10 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidI have a friend like you who has this one fatal flaw, if you can call it a flaw; the inexplicable need to be everyone's doormat.


    In my case I have only been a doormat for one person.

    Ordinarily I am not like this. But for whatever reason, with him I have struggled to exert myself and struggled to set boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable.
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    Feb 09, 2011 8:45 PM GMT
    I would echo what one of the guys said earlier, how long is this going to go? Yes, it is sad that he is HIV+ but he didn't catch it from you, did he? Definitely time for you to move on to find something that isn't destroying your soul.
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    Feb 09, 2011 9:17 PM GMT
    You are taking steps backwards and letting your emotions get the better of you. For starters, it sounds like you pity him and in a way you are sorta making excuses to wanna be around him. So he's HIV+. Big deal. Who's fault is that? You can be supportive of his situation, which is fine, but in this case you are down right being a doormat and allowing yourself to be played. This guy is gonna hurt you again and it will be of your own doing if he does.

    I get where you are coming from and I'm not completely heartless but when is enough enough? You know what he did to you and you know that it hurt you and you know that it will never get better nor will he ever change. Logic and reason need to kick in at some point and emotions need to take a backseat. Why put yourself though that hardship again? Leaving him was hard enough for you to do it seems and now you wanna befriend him and practically hook up with him again and fall into same nonsense? That's craziness. He put himself in this situation and now he's paying the price for it. Simple as that. You don't have to follow him down this road but should you choose to you know that it's gonna end in you feeling like shit and eventually getting hurt. That's almost a given. This is the sign on person who is whooped. He's got you "dickmatized".

    You need to just man up and stop clinging to the hope of thinking that things will get better. They will not at least not with this guy. The fact that you can openly call him your best friend is rather funny considering what he did to you and what he is still doing to you which is playing with your mind and emotions. You need to develop a backbone and stop being a jellyfish. Stand up straight and cut whatever strings he is pulling you with and move on. Part of the problem lies with you not having any confidence in yourself and being insecure in your ability to meet and find others. That's a big part as to why you feel torn up about this. You are allowing the bad times to cement you in with this guy and it sounds like you don't want to move on or you are just scared. Either way it's not healthy for you to continue having any form of a relationship with this guy.

    Your compassion and desire to be a friend to this ungrateful person is compelling. As a friend you should know when it's time to stop being a friend and just move on for change will not come knocking on his door anytime soon and if it does I doubt he'll answer it. He's just that type of guy and it shows with his recent events. You, however, still have the option of changing yourself and you should take it while it is there to be taken.

    Unless you plan on moving forward then your threads and post are meaningless because it seems the advice given is wasted. Can't help someone who doesn't wanna help themself. That's a fact.
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    Feb 10, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidYou are taking steps backwards and letting your emotions get the better of you. For starters, it sounds like you pity him and in a way you are sorta making excuses to wanna be around him. So he's HIV+. Big deal. Who's fault is that? You can be supportive of his situation, which is fine, but in this case you are down right being a doormat and allowing yourself to be played. This guy is gonna hurt you again and it will be of your own doing if he does.

    I get where you are coming from and I'm not completely heartless but when is enough enough? You know what he did to you and you know that it hurt you and you know that it will never get better nor will he ever change. Logic and reason need to kick in at some point and emotions need to take a backseat. Why put yourself though that hardship again? Leaving him was hard enough for you to do it seems and now you wanna befriend him and practically hook up with him again and fall into same nonsense? That's craziness. He put himself in this situation and now he's paying the price for it. Simple as that. You don't have to follow him down this road but should you choose to you know that it's gonna end in you feeling like shit and eventually getting hurt. That's almost a given. This is the sign on person who is whooped. He's got you "dickmatized".

    You need to just man up and stop clinging to the hope of thinking that things will get better. They will not at least not with this guy. The fact that you can openly call him your best friend is rather funny considering what he did to you and what he is still doing to you which is playing with your mind and emotions. You need to develop a backbone and stop being a jellyfish. Stand up straight and cut whatever strings he is pulling you with and move on. Part of the problem lies with you not having any confidence in yourself and being insecure in your ability to meet and find others. That's a big part as to why you feel torn up about this. You are allowing the bad times to cement you in with this guy and it sounds like you don't want to move on or you are just scared. Either way it's not healthy for you to continue having any form of a relationship with this guy.

    Your compassion and desire to be a friend to this ungrateful person is compelling. As a friend you should know when it's time to stop being a friend and just move on for change will not come knocking on his door anytime soon and if it does I doubt he'll answer it. He's just that type of guy and it shows with his recent events. You, however, still have the option of changing yourself and you should take it while it is there to be taken.

    Unless you plan on moving forward then your threads and post are meaningless because it seems the advice given is wasted. Can't help someone who doesn't wanna help themself. That's a fact.


    Thanks for being honest and frank, and for taking the time to respond in detail. I agree with many of your points.
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    Feb 10, 2011 4:46 AM GMT
    I have not read your other thread and don't know much about your situation other than what you wrote. A big part of a healthy romantic relationship is a solid friendship. Even if you are no longer dating someone you previously loved, I don't see how you must stop being friends. Unless the person you broke up with did unspeakable things to you while in the relationship, there's no need to cut him from your life. However, in my book, lying about an HIV-status fully knowing or suspecting that the status is positive qualifies as one of those "unspeakable things" a person can do to another in a relationship. Forgiveness is reasonable, but an expectation to remain friends after being on the receiving end of deceit and lies is very different.

    In any event, you're an adult. No one knows him and his heart more than you do (though perhaps you only think you do). If he's important to you and he values you as a person, keep him in your life. It seems to me that no matter what people tell you, you'll do whatever it is you think is best for you, even if it means subjecting yourself to a dysfunctional relationship. I'm afraid my patience wears thin with liars and I'd probably do the opposite of everything you would. But we are different people. Good luck to you and be safe.
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    Feb 10, 2011 4:46 AM GMT
    Ultimately, it's your call if you want to stay in this relationship.
    You know full well that you'll continue to be his dirty little secret, and maybe the comfort of being with him for so long is more important than finding an equal for a partner.

    If being with him is so tough for you emotionally, why can't you stay connected as a friend and not be in a relationship with him?
    Since you say that you are trapped in a very problematic relationship, maybe you should seek counseling.
    At least seek a support group for partners of HIV+ patients.

    Finally, if you continue to do the same things, how do you expect your life to be any different than it is now?

    Best of luck to you.
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    Feb 11, 2011 5:04 AM GMT
    collegestudd saidI have not read your other thread and don't know much about your situation other than what you wrote. A big part of a healthy romantic relationship is a solid friendship. Even if you are no longer dating someone you previously loved, I don't see how you must stop being friends. Unless the person you broke up with did unspeakable things to you while in the relationship, there's no need to cut him from your life. However, in my book, lying about an HIV-status fully knowing or suspecting that the status is positive qualifies as one of those "unspeakable things" a person can do to another in a relationship. Forgiveness is reasonable, but an expectation to remain friends after being on the receiving end of deceit and lies is very different.

    In any event, you're an adult. No one knows him and his heart more than you do (though perhaps you only think you do). If he's important to you and he values you as a person, keep him in your life. It seems to me that no matter what people tell you, you'll do whatever it is you think is best for you, even if it means subjecting yourself to a dysfunctional relationship. I'm afraid my patience wears thin with liars and I'd probably do the opposite of everything you would. But we are different people. Good luck to you and be safe.


    Thanks for this response - wise, insightful and helpful.
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    Feb 11, 2011 5:05 AM GMT
    Ermine said
    Finally, if you continue to do the same things, how do you expect your life to be any different than it is now?


    Yes, you're right.
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    Feb 11, 2011 5:23 AM GMT
    I think I nominate you for Doormat-of-the-year Award
    Date,have fun and find someone that loves you,dont cheat on you and get HIV
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    Feb 11, 2011 6:35 AM GMT
    I think you put it best toward the end of the original topic (update):
    I agree with your comment about enabling his behavior - at the end of the day, I have to take responsibility for the r/ship decisions I have made. By re-entering a r/ship with him at this point - when NOTHING has changed (except confirmation about his health status) - I am basically agreeing to the terms. Unless he is faced with consequences, he will not change. That is why SEPARATING (again!) is the only healthy choice at this stage. We met in 2005 and I've met no-one in his life YEAR after YEAR - why would I honestly think anything is going to change now? It's not going to change. Not while I am sitting there on the sidelines agreeing to the totally unsatisfactory terms of this r/ship.

    As people age, they tend to get "old and set in their ways." He's obviously comfortable in his life, hiding in the closet for some 20 years. There are probably lots of circumstances, reasons... and excuses. I wouldn't hold my breath expecting this to change. He's dug himself in too deep.

    On the other hand (and I didn't reread the original topic so may be misremembering details), after you separated he did finally get the HIV test. Was this because he wanted to win you back? Because he wasn't feeling well and figured it's time to find out? If the former, maybe there is some hope. On the other hand, you shouldn't have to leave a relationship to get such major problems addressed.

    Let me ask you another question: had you met someone else those first few months, would you have gone back into the relationship?

    Similarly, did you really ever make a conscious decision to do so or did it just sorta happen, one small step at a time, and *boom* you were back in the same old pattern/rut?

    I think a lot of times people get out of relationships for all the wrong reasons, comparing what they have to some utopian ideal. I think everyone (to say the least) agrees that you have plenty of legitimate reasons [disclaimer: we've only heard one side of the story]. You've been through this before, so hopefully you're not looking for some "permission" to do so again.

    Maybe this is the man you really love, warts and all.
    Or maybe you are just holding on to what you have because it's better than nothing?
    Just as he may be scared to come out of the closet, you are scared of the (at least near-term) alternative?

    I think that's the first thing you need to answer. You've already noted that during those first 6 months you weren't really ready to date others, so keep in mind that it will take time. It took me nearly 2 years to get over my first relationship (which was just over 2 years and nowhere near as convoluted as your situation). This is a chicken/egg situation. You won't be ready to meet someone else until you're over him... and yet you won't be over him until you meet someone else. Yet it can happen with small steps on each front.

    But you'll never get off the ground if you're not sure that this is what you want to do.
    One way or the other.

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    Feb 12, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    Caesarea4 saidI think you put it best toward the end of the original topic (update):
    I agree with your comment about enabling his behavior - at the end of the day, I have to take responsibility for the r/ship decisions I have made. By re-entering a r/ship with him at this point - when NOTHING has changed (except confirmation about his health status) - I am basically agreeing to the terms. Unless he is faced with consequences, he will not change. That is why SEPARATING (again!) is the only healthy choice at this stage. We met in 2005 and I've met no-one in his life YEAR after YEAR - why would I honestly think anything is going to change now? It's not going to change. Not while I am sitting there on the sidelines agreeing to the totally unsatisfactory terms of this r/ship.

    As people age, they tend to get "old and set in their ways." He's obviously comfortable in his life, hiding in the closet for some 20 years. There are probably lots of circumstances, reasons... and excuses. I wouldn't hold my breath expecting this to change. He's dug himself in too deep.

    On the other hand (and I didn't reread the original topic so may be misremembering details), after you separated he did finally get the HIV test. Was this because he wanted to win you back? Because he wasn't feeling well and figured it's time to find out? If the former, maybe there is some hope. On the other hand, you shouldn't have to leave a relationship to get such major problems addressed.

    Let me ask you another question: had you met someone else those first few months, would you have gone back into the relationship?

    Similarly, did you really ever make a conscious decision to do so or did it just sorta happen, one small step at a time, and *boom* you were back in the same old pattern/rut?

    I think a lot of times people get out of relationships for all the wrong reasons, comparing what they have to some utopian ideal. I think everyone (to say the least) agrees that you have plenty of legitimate reasons [disclaimer: we've only heard one side of the story]. You've been through this before, so hopefully you're not looking for some "permission" to do so again.

    Maybe this is the man you really love, warts and all.
    Or maybe you are just holding on to what you have because it's better than nothing?
    Just as he may be scared to come out of the closet, you are scared of the (at least near-term) alternative?

    I think that's the first thing you need to answer. You've already noted that during those first 6 months you weren't really ready to date others, so keep in mind that it will take time. It took me nearly 2 years to get over my first relationship (which was just over 2 years and nowhere near as convoluted as your situation). This is a chicken/egg situation. You won't be ready to meet someone else until you're over him... and yet you won't be over him until you meet someone else. Yet it can happen with small steps on each front.

    But you'll never get off the ground if you're not sure that this is what you want to do.
    One way or the other.



    You have presented some really valid and helpful questions here. Thank you.

    He didn't voluntarily go and get tested after we broke up the first time. He ended up in hospital with an opportunistic infection and was informed during the hospitalization what was wrong. His health took a dramatic turn for the worst after I announced that I wanted to separate - clearly, the stress of that situation was enough to trigger his already fragile immune system. I don't blame myself for that happening but it wasn't just a co-incidence that he became critically ill (physically) no more than 5 weeks after I told him I wanted to separate - there was a direct connection between his grief and the onset of his illness.

    I actually did meet some very nice people in that first six months of the separation. There were at least 2 guys who would have pursued something more serious with me, but I was 100% unavailable emotionally. It was clearly too soon to be pursuing anything "new". Also, given that my (ex) partner was still really ill, it just didn't feel right to be trying to forge a new life without him at the center of it.

    In regards to the fact that six months after the original separation we found ourselves falling back into the r/ship...It was never a conscious decision, nor was it something we discussed - it happened just like you said, bit by bit, day by day, and before we knew it, there we were again - back together just like before.

    It's difficult to know whether my commitment to this man over the years has been due to the fact that he really is "the one" for me, or because I am simply too nice (crazy!) for my own good, or because I have been too fearful/insecure to face life again as a single person. I could be all or any of these...

    I like your chicken/egg description about the future - I think that's a very accurate way to present it.
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    Feb 12, 2011 5:17 AM GMT
    Since starting this thread:

    I told my partner that, once again, I wanted to separate. So about one year after the original separation discussion, we had that conversation again this week - initiated by me. He was extremely upset as expected.

    That was a few days ago. He has since told me that he wishes to suspend contact for a few months so that he can find a way to deal with the grief. This is a big difference from the first separation when we never suspended contact, continued to speak/see each other on a regular basis and ultimately fell back into the r/ship. I think his suggestion is a productive one.

    I've been on a roller-coaster since informing him of my decision, feeling waves of sadness/relief, but all the while wondering if the decision was the right one and if I will ever "get over" this. When you are drowning in grief, it's hard to believe that it will ever be possible to feel a different way, but intellectually I know what's going on. There is also a certain "burden" and sense of guilt that comes with being the person in the r/ship who makes the decision to exit - even if doing so is for the greater good of both parties.

    I know it's going to take time to feel comfortable with this new reality. We had a very complex relationship over the years, and the past one year has been particularly traumatic with us separating for the first time ever and with him nearly dying twice. Trying to "move on" after such a lead-up isn't exactly an easy thing to do. But I am going to try it and I am serious about it.
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    Feb 12, 2011 5:39 AM GMT
    I too was in a relationship (not as long as yours) where at times I went through a lot of ups and downs, and because I loved and even felt bad for him I did put up with a lot of stress and general disenchantments with the way he was handling his own personal flaws, with himself and the extra baggages from his past.

    That said since I was the strongest and most emotionally stabled of the two, so I decided to give him a lot of chances for improvement, with a lot of patience of course, before the break up was a reality, not by me but by him! why? because I felt the only way to help him was to allow him to decide what, at the time, was the best way or solution for him to get out of a relationship that apparently he didn't appreciate nor was't worthy of.


    Leandro ♥
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    Feb 13, 2011 6:39 AM GMT
    wondering2010> I like your chicken/egg description about the future - I think that's a very accurate way to present it.
    wondering2010> wondering if the decision was the right one and if I will ever "get over" this.

    Trust me, you will.
    Been there, done that.

    I came out into a 2.5 year relationship.
    Very compatible, things were great the first year.
    We broke up after about 1.5 years but then got back together again.
    We broke up again, for good, at 2.5 years (on the exact same date).

    To over-summarize a very complex story: his new year's resolution when we met was to give up drugs. I guess I didn't understand it was just for the year (actually, 11 months). So neither of us really decided to break-up, but neither of us could continue. He, of course, was much better prepared to move on. I had never before been out and single and turned out that most all of my gay friends were actually his friends. I was devastated and certain that I would never love again, blah blah blah.

    Like I said, it took me nearly 2 years. During that time I dated a really nice guy (but not for me, which he didn't understand then... but today is in a much better place with someone else for which I am very happy).

    I'm still friends with my original ex, but (again to over-summarize) thank goodness I got out of that relationship - and (eventually) moved on.

    You sound like a great, caring, wonderful guy. You will do well. Time heals everything.
    Surround yourself with friends, dabble with dating, and keep moving forward (as opposed to sliding back into the vortex with him).
    Hopefully, after some time apart, you can again be friends (only).
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:52 AM GMT
    Caesarea4 saidwondering2010> I like your chicken/egg description about the future - I think that's a very accurate way to present it.
    wondering2010> wondering if the decision was the right one and if I will ever "get over" this.

    Trust me, you will.
    Been there, done that.

    I came out into a 2.5 year relationship.
    Very compatible, things were great the first year.
    We broke up after about 1.5 years but then got back together again.
    We broke up again, for good, at 2.5 years (on the exact same date).

    To over-summarize a very complex story: his new year's resolution when we met was to give up drugs. I guess I didn't understand it was just for the year (actually, 11 months). So neither of us really decided to break-up, but neither of us could continue. He, of course, was much better prepared to move on. I had never before been out and single and turned out that most all of my gay friends were actually his friends. I was devastated and certain that I would never love again, blah blah blah.

    Like I said, it took me nearly 2 years. During that time I dated a really nice guy (but not for me, which he didn't understand then... but today is in a much better place with someone else for which I am very happy).

    I'm still friends with my original ex, but (again to over-summarize) thank goodness I got out of that relationship - and (eventually) moved on.

    You sound like a great, caring, wonderful guy. You will do well. Time heals everything.
    Surround yourself with friends, dabble with dating, and keep moving forward (as opposed to sliding back into the vortex with him).
    Hopefully, after some time apart, you can again be friends (only).


    Thanks for sharing this - I'm glad you are now on the "other side" of the healing process!

    And I like how you refer to some points as "over-summarizing" - because, as you imply, it is actually very difficult to describe in a few words very complex emotional experiences that permanently change your life.
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:53 AM GMT
    heybreaux saidWow, I just posted to your original post the other day I think?


    Anyway, sad to hear the turn of events, but I have to say that it seems to me that this person will forever be in your life, so you just have to set specific boundaries based on what YOU want. The one thing that bothers me is that you admit that you have given up on the dating scene. Why? Is it to make yourself available to him? Or maybe you just need a cooling off or waiting period after this...understood.

    I would not suggest becoming a couple again, after hearing what you have said, but clearly there is hope to remain aquainted and even be deep friends without the implied committment that you are "together."

    These things are hard to unwind; you know this. I once was invited to go to someone's farmhouse for a weekend, and then at the last minute he cancelled because his ex asked if he could occupy it that weekend. I resented that since I blocked my own schedule to spend time with him. The point here is that you need to think about the new people, and consider how it makes them feel to be less of a priority if you don't put them first; if that is what you do, you'll never be with another, unless he is a doormat.

    So, I would suggest defining the framework that you envision for your life --the way you see it--you alone, what your likes and dislikes are and what your boundaries are-- and then following a path to achieve it with boundaries and limitiations and a committment to follow a well thought out plan; otherwise you'll likely fall into old habits. And if that is what you want, that is OK, by the way, but IMO, you need to make some decisions and stick with them. It is going to take a disciplined effort to 1.) Construct something that you envision for yourself and 2.) Have the capability to stick with it.

    The exercise is simply to in a way seperate yourself from the current emotional circumstances and view your life objectively which will likely reveal what you are after. Once that is in place, don't let anything come between what you deserve to have. Some limit themselves without knowing it, in part, because they don't think they deserve it. Consider that making yourself fulfilled and happy is arguably the best thing for everyone involved.

    Best of luck to you, keep us posted. icon_biggrin.gif


    Wise advice. I'll be returning to this post in moments of weakness in order to redirect my mind in the right direction!
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    Feb 14, 2011 7:17 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about the bad news regarding his health. When I was reading your previous post I was hoping that this would not happen.

    With you situation, You should ask yourself one question: what would make YOU the happiest? If you would be the most happy staying a couple with him, then you should def do it. But if you are staying a couple with him out of compassion or worse, sympathy, then you need a reality check. A relationship will not work unless it brings you joy and feelings of love. Of course you will always care about him, but you can still care about him as a best friend, and as a companion. You do not need to be romantically involved with him in order to be a very big part of his life, which I assume you want to be. Now he might feel differently about it, but you have to kwow that those are HIS feelings and not yours, and he's responsible for his feelings and you are responsible for your feelings. You cannot feel bad for him just like he cannot feel bad for you. I know that might sound a bit selfish to you, but you have to remember that if you don't feel good about yourself in a situation, then you have nothing good to give anyway. So in some way, making yourself feel good about whatever you decide to do, in the long run, will be beneficial to both of you. I hope you find happiness icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 14, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    i just wanna say reading this coming out of a 1.7 year relationship is helping me gain prespective and its hard as hell i know but i also know that if your togather and all you do is fight complain and critize then its not for you . even if mistakes happen like cheating or your previous ex sends nudes pics and bf finds out and gets totally upset (yea my life) . but there is someone out there. i gotta believe that and even though i grieve now i know life isn't in my hands but in higher power.
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    Feb 15, 2011 4:07 AM GMT
    Cityaznguy said
    With you situation, You should ask yourself one question: what would make YOU the happiest? If you would be the most happy staying a couple with him, then you should def do it. But if you are staying a couple with him out of compassion or worse, sympathy, then you need a reality check. A relationship will not work unless it brings you joy and feelings of love. Of course you will always care about him, but you can still care about him as a best friend, and as a companion. You do not need to be romantically involved with him in order to be a very big part of his life, which I assume you want to be. Now he might feel differently about it, but you have to kwow that those are HIS feelings and not yours, and he's responsible for his feelings and you are responsible for your feelings. You cannot feel bad for him just like he cannot feel bad for you. I know that might sound a bit selfish to you, but you have to remember that if you don't feel good about yourself in a situation, then you have nothing good to give anyway. So in some way, making yourself feel good about whatever you decide to do, in the long run, will be beneficial to both of you. I hope you find happiness icon_smile.gif


    I had a tough day today, wondering if I had made the right decision, so it was nice to read this. Thank you.