Never Love Again

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2011 9:12 AM GMT
    I just tore up all the anniversary cards he ever gave me.
    It's been 3 months since he broke up with me.
    The dumpee's always say "I really thought he was the one".
    I always though to myself "idiots".
    This was my 4th relationship, I was no amateur, I had walls up from day 1.
    I was no fool, "I would never belong to anyone", I thought.
    He kept reassuring me, this was for real.
    We had EVERYTHING in common.
    My walls were slowly chipping away.
    He had (has) the body of a Greek god. The face of an angel.
    He'd spend the night. I saw those eyes close, before he fell asleep.
    Those damn eyes.
    They were the eyes I wanted to see every morning and night...for the rest of my life.
    I fell hard.
    I thought to myself "this is it, I found him, this man is my soul mate".

    Cut to the end. The phone call.
    "I love you, more than you love me".
    My heart sank, my throat swelled up, I couldn't speak,

    Post breakup. I turn into THE cliche. The emails. The calls.
    Trying to make sense of why this happened.
    After lots of taking, we decide, we just had bad timing.
    We do want a future together.
    We agree we want to "start over" some day, when both of us are ready.
    In the meantime, we stayed single, were free to do what we wanted.

    Weeks pass. Something doesn't feel right.
    I call once more, I demand the truth.
    Me: Do we really have a future together, as in MORE than friends?
    Him: No. Never.
    Turns out he just gave me hope, out of fear of losing me as a friend.

    Having had feelings for this man, is the biggest mistake of my life.

    The only purpose of this post, is to help others not be as foolish as I was.

    So remember this:
    You belong to nobody.
    Nobody belongs to you.
    We are free creatures, but we are self-destructive creatures.
    Who naively think love is something we can ever have any control over.
    Life is a game. A dance almost.
    You have to play the game.
    NEVER give someone everything!
    Just give them enough.
    You must keep them wanting more, ALWAYS.
    That applies to both single people as well as those in relationships!!!
    And NEVER become too comfortable, especially those in relationships.
    What you can give, is sex, companionship and happiness.
    What you NEVER completely give away, is love!!!!!!
    Love is yours! Keep that love for yourself!
    Because what you give from your supply of love, you can never get back!
    You only get "love" restored, if they give some back.
    So you run the chance of becoming dependent of this person.
    To constantly fuel your love "deficiency".
    And if they throw that love away...
    This is when us creatures, start to self-destruct.
    Because you have also given your power away.
    You cannot fill that void up again yourself. Only somebody else can.
    So give your love away, only in very small amounts, to those who truly deserve it.
    Stay safe. Peace and Joy.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Feb 09, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    You're right...if you don't give away your heart, you protect it. So you won't feel the pain when it's broken.

    However, I like the line from Lady Antebellum's hit song, "Need You Now:"

    "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all."

    Broken hearts mend but regrets will stay with you forever.
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Feb 09, 2011 1:33 PM GMT
    " NEVER give someone everything!
    Just give them enough.
    You must keep them wanting more, ALWAYS.
    That applies to both single people as well as those in relationships!!!
    And NEVER become too comfortable, especially those in relationships.
    What you can give, is sex, companionship and happiness.
    What you NEVER completely give away, is love!!!!!! "

    Seriously??!!

    Follow this advice and you will DEFINITELY miss out on the best thing in life....sharing your heart with someone.



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    Feb 09, 2011 1:39 PM GMT
    ultraviolent said What you NEVER completely give away, is love!!!!!!

    Wallowing in so much drama is weakness and self-indulgence. Suck it up and get on with it.
    Begin by using fewer exclamation marks. One will do.
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    Feb 09, 2011 1:52 PM GMT
    There are some truths in his sayings..Ultimately its best to move on and time will heal all wounds....Oh and grow a thicker skin..That always helps!!icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 09, 2011 2:18 PM GMT
    "Never" is a very long time. Consider that you will heal over time. You'll be ready to date again, to meet people, and to find someone whose love is compatible with yours.

    Just give it time.....

    It was not a mistake for you to have feelings for him. Think about the fact that you were able to love him at all. Celebrate that! So many people in the world cannot bring themselves to open their hearts at all. They remain closed off to the world. Which is more sad?

    Again. Right now it's difficult, and I'm sure anyone here who has been through a bad breakup can understand. But it will get better.... you'll see yourself in 6 more months or a year and wonder why you wrote this post. You're sad and angry. You have to work through those emotions in order to move on.

    Don't give up.
  • fitdude62

    Posts: 294

    Feb 09, 2011 2:20 PM GMT
    Never look to someone else to "fill an empty spot"

    If you are not whole and loving yourself first, than no one or nothing will help.

    In a relationship two halves do not make a whole.

    A relationship is more about sharing and less about taking or "filling"

    Look at yourself in all of your past relationships and find what you are missing in loving yourself. Find that piece and the next relationship will flurish.

    Peace
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    Feb 09, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    The reason we are here is to love and be loved - the rest is all traffic noise.
    If you have really and truly loved - and been truly loved in return then you have accomplished more than many many people on the planet, - who have exchanged real love for money, quick fucks. or whatever else...
    It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
    I know what ur going through man - hang in there!
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    Feb 09, 2011 2:40 PM GMT
    Hey I know this is going to sound crazy but I think you opening up was in fact the right thing to do.
    I think you were brave plus you didn't open up straight away so in some ways you did sort of already follow the advice you gave in the post and I don't think it was something particularly you did that made him break up with you. Going by what you recapped it really just sounded like he wasn't sure after all and was just saying empty words and stringing you along with lies basically.

    But I hope once the pain does subside that it doesn't completely strip away your ability to open up to someone, I mean of course be cautious and don't just throw your heart to the wind but I think opening up yourself to someone is a good thing to be able to do.

    For what it's worth, just on behalf of life sort of (I don't really know how to put it), sorry.
    Not to be demeaning in any way with the sympathy but I don't know I just feel for you man, sounds heaps rough.
    Time is probably the best medicine right now.
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    Feb 09, 2011 2:44 PM GMT
    RioGuy saidThe reason we are here is to love and be loved - the rest is all traffic noise.


    Not sure whether "here" means this site or on this planet, but both apply.

    Humans need love - it's what makes us feel ALIVE.

    So much of what people do is driven by this deep urge of needing to be loved by other human beings, and to love other human beings in return. We are social people, emotional beings.

    Many people get caught up in peripheral activities, thinking these things will make them happy. Those who endlessly search for "hot sex", the perfect body or becoming rich - these are all distractions from what 99% of people crave to the core - a deep and lasting connection with another person.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Feb 09, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    ultraviolent said
    You have to play the game.
    NEVER give someone everything!
    Just give them enough.
    You must keep them wanting more, ALWAYS.


    I don't agree with this at all. A relationship in which I have to "Play the game" would mean that I am always walking on egg shells, never feeling secure in where I stand. This is no relationship I would want -- I would rather be single. If I can't "give someone everything" I have to give, I'm not participating to the best of my ability. If I "keep them wanting more", then they aren't fully satisfied. That's a recipe that leads you to grow apart or leads your partner to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
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    Feb 09, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    ultraviolent said
    The only purpose of this post, is to help others not be as foolish as I was.


    Your post is honest and heartfelt, and it will serve different purposes for different people.

    I wouldn't say your were foolish - loving another person involves certain risks and you had the courage to take them. Not everyone does.

    Some people will respond to your post with empathy and understanding. Others will dismiss it and tell you to "get over it". Take what is useful, and ignore the rest.

    In the end, I hope you find peace - it's what we all want.
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    Feb 09, 2011 2:52 PM GMT
    ultraviolent said
    Life is a game. A dance almost.
    You have to play the game.
    NEVER give someone everything!
    Just give them enough.
    You must keep them wanting more, ALWAYS.


    Do you mean "life" or "love" is a game?

    While there is a certain element of strategy involved in the early stages of getting to know someone to see if a r/ship will develop, ultimately love shouldn't be a game. When you truly fall in love with someone and want to share your life with them - and vice versa - there should be no games, no power plays, no deception.

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    Feb 09, 2011 2:57 PM GMT
    ultraviolet, what you're doing is letting your ex and your bad experience control and dictate your future. You will never be free of him or any of the three previous to him as long as you do this.

    You should break up with the guy, because you haven't. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    PS If I had read your post when I was 34 and did what you say, Bill and I would not have happened.
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    Feb 09, 2011 3:00 PM GMT
    In relationships, we are trying to figure out if our partner/boyfriend is the one. It is always a constant struggle in some sense to figure this out. Like some have mentioned already, it is better to feel love and lost as opposed to feeling nothing at all.

    From experience, i broke it off with my ex cause I didn't feel he was the one truely for me. In our relationship, we had a great friendship, companionship, and the sex was great too. He was my first boyfriend and likewise for him. But one thing did change me and him. We learned to open ourselves up, lower the wall down, and be completely honest with each other. He loved me more than I loved him is what it came down to. After the break up, he was crushed and he wanted to hate me. But at the end he couldn't, cause he still wanted to be in my life as a friend at least. I told him I would be open to the friendship if that is what he wanted. He agreed. Since then we became great friends, we both moved on, and I encouraged him to go after the guy was so into him from his local gym. They together now, and as a friend I am truely happy for him. One thing that changed him from our relationship was that he learned to lower his guard down, which allowed him to be able open his heart again in the next relationship. Although he was scared of being hurt again, but isn't that the risk we all take? Perhaps that life.

    My ex and I came to the conclusion that we both don't regret knowing each other or having experienced this relationship. It was a learning experience for both of us. Although it doesn't end like a fairytale story, however i think we both gained personal growth in our understanding of relationships. We are still great friends today although thousands of miles keeps us apart. icon_smile.gif
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    Feb 09, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    Ironman4U saidYou're right...if you don't give away your heart, you protect it. So you won't feel the pain when it's broken.

    However, I like the line from Lady Antebellum's hit song, "Need You Now:"

    "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all."

    Broken hearts mend but regrets will stay with you forever.



    listen to this man he is smart and sexy too
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    Feb 09, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    Mind games NEVER work for me--and this seems to be the theme of your comment (i.e., play mind games). I prefer transparency, even if that means showing my emotions, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, insecurities, etc. I avoid mind games like a plague. There is absolutely nothing wrong with falling in love or falling out of love. Gay boys play too much gamesmanship, and then we ask ourselves why we can't find our soulmates? Open your heart, be vulnerable, don't be afraid, don't concern your self with "what-if's", and hope for the best but don't settle (never settle!). If the time is right, and the person is right for you, falling in love is the most awesome feeling in the world! If something is meant to be, it's going to happen.
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    Feb 09, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    that's so cool and great to read about rjb2001 and I hope ultraviolet considers your post carefully.

    ultraviolet I've felt the way you do and got past it. You need to grieve deeply, but cleanly.

    Here's a couple of songs I used to listen to when your situation happened to me. I included lyrics.




    and this one....




    "Long ago a young man sits and plays his waiting game
    But things are not the same it seems as in such tender dreams
    Slowly passing sailing ships and sunday afternoon
    Like people on the moon I see are things not meant to be

    Where do those golden rainbows end?
    Why is this song so sad?
    Dreaming the dreams I've dreamed my friend
    Loving the love I love

    To love is just a word I've heard when things are being said
    Stories my poor head has told me cannot stand the cold
    And in between what might have been and what has come to pass
    A misbegotten guess alas and bits of broken glass

    Where do your golden rainbows end?
    Why is this song I sing so sad?
    Dreaming the dreams I dream my friend
    Loving the love I love to love to love to love"


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    Feb 09, 2011 4:13 PM GMT


    The future is yours, if you let it.



    What goes up must come down
    Spinning wheel got to go around
    Talking about your troubles it's a crying sin
    Ride a painted pony let the spinning wheel spin
    You got no money, you got no home
    Spinning wheel all alone
    Talking about your troubles and you never learn
    Ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel turn

    Did you find (the) directing sign on the straight and narrow highway
    Would you mind a reflecting sign
    Just let it shine within your mind
    And show you the colors that are real

    Someone is waiting just for you
    Spinning wheel, spinning true
    Drop all your troubles on the riverside
    Catch a painted pony, let the spinning wheel fly


    Did you find (the) directing sign on the straight and narrow highway
    Would you mind a reflecting sign
    Just let it shine within your mind
    And show you the colors that are real

    Someone is waiting just for you
    Spinning wheel, spinning true
    Drop all your troubles on the riverside
    Catch a painted pony let the spinning wheel fly
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    Feb 09, 2011 4:31 PM GMT
    Ironman4U said
    However, I like the line from Lady Antebellum's hit song, "Need You Now:"

    "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all."



    I love that song just for that line alone. There's a lot of truth in that statement.
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    Feb 09, 2011 5:08 PM GMT

    As a rule making decisions or life long strategies when you are angry hurt and emotional traumatized is not a good ideal and I will not hold you to your statements.

    Getting hurt, feeling pain and healing is part of life that we all go through and learning to heal from emotional pain is a process just like healing from physical pain. Part of that process is venting and it is good that you are venting!

    Your journey of learning about love is still in the beginning stages and can be a life long quest as Meninlove and Ironman4u and others have wisely stated.

    I hope you will be one that allows the heart to expand as it does have amazing capabilities to do so. Closing it off now because you are hurt is a natural reaction but I hope you will in time open the shades and let the light in as they say.

    I hope you have some close friends that are close by so you can talk and vent.
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    Feb 09, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    I recently had a situation like this. I wanted to be angry, and I was, but ultimately I realized that it didn't happen to me, it happened for me. I had a lot of baggage I never realized I was carrying and it was a total fucking relief to finally free myself from it (at least from a lot of it).
    Even though this last fall was hell, I was thankful. I did anything that could take my mind off of him. Guitar lessons, running more, finally got serious with my meditations, writing projects, reconnecting to old friends, contacting ex's who I treated shitty without realizing it, etc. I let go of everything that was holding me back. I think a thick skin is the worst thing to earn and deciding to keep love only for yourself means you have no concept of what it really is. You should aspire to feel things as they really are, rather than relate to people from your own jaded expectations. If you expect people to hurt you, they will. People say "seeing is believing, but the opposite is true as well, believing is seeing.
    Romantic love is the thing that seems to trip up almost everyone. Adding to the confusion is how we process these relationships. It's not something black and white like remembering where you left the keys. Rather it becomes what those events made you feel, and from that you develop a narrative to justify your feeling like shit. (they were using you, lying, cheating, etc.) Getting stuck in that dark hole your mind is creating will prevent you from feeling better and maturing and you won't be able to find something healthy in the future.
    If you use this as an opportunity to forgive, and to figure out what it is that you really want out of life, you will remember this a sweet time in your life, regardless of how sad you were to lose him.
    You will definitely come out of this... but would you rather be jaded and expect people to hurt you ? or know that regardless of what happens, good or bad, you'll be ok?
    I wish you the best, a broken heart can feel like it's never going to heal but play your cards right and it will.
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    Feb 09, 2011 5:21 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    ultraviolent said What you NEVER completely give away, is love!!!!!!

    Wallowing in so much drama is weakness and self-indulgence. Suck it up and get on with it.
    Begin by using fewer exclamation marks. One will do.


    Excuse me but the kid is not on trail here. When was the last time you fell off your tricycle and got hurt? Picking a kid up, a hug and saying he will be ok maybe a better response.

    Suck it up can be said nicely. I know there is Angle Doug for that but I think you could be classified as a father figure and certainly a " Daddy"
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    Feb 09, 2011 5:53 PM GMT
    lol, Roccoe, would I be an isosceles, complementary or supplemental angle?

    ...hmmm...maybe I need a coffee..I'm feeling like an alternate exterior angle...

    Bill says I'm acute angle. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug

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    Feb 09, 2011 6:32 PM GMT
    In addition to Bill & Doug's music recommendations, the OP made me think of this song:



    All the fear has left me now
    I’m not frightened anymore
    It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
    It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath

    And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
    I won’t fear love
    And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
    I won’t fear love

    Companion to our demons
    They will dance, and we will play
    With chairs, candles, and cloth
    Making darkness in the day
    It will be easy to look in or out
    Upstream or down without a thought

    And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
    I won’t fear love
    And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
    I won’t fear love

    Peace in the struggle
    To find peace
    Comfort on the way
    To comfort

    And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
    I won’t fear love
    And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
    I won’t fear love
    I won’t fear love
    I won’t fear love...