Thoughts of an Anorexic: A short story by me.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2011 3:11 AM GMT
    So, I'm writing a story based on subjective experience of my past when I used to be anorexic. I had these unhealthy thoughts, and I can imagine the type of conversation that would be going on inside my mind, with two sides: the one of desperation, and the other of healthy patience and forgiveness.

    -I must not eat. I must not eat. I must fast...I must give it up. But I am getting awful hungry...
    -Then eat.
    -And risk looking like one of them!? Never!
    -You do realize that not eating anything at all is counterintuitive?
    -I know it's not the healthiest thing to do...
    -So why do you do it?
    -Because I don't care about being healthy. Screw that! I just care about being in the proper form...attractive and likable.
    -Looking malnourished doesn't seem very likable...
    -I won't look, like, emaciated like those people that appear in the Google photos when you search for “anorexic”.
    -Fine then. But then realize, you'll have the body, but do you remember when you fasted those four days back home? Your personality just totally died. People wouldn't like what you become...
    -My personality? It means absolutely nothing to most guys. All they ever really care about is a good body. Even if they won't acknowledge it out loud and say so, it's what they're thinking. It's hard-wired into them. They want the best looking people, and they hate fatties.
    -Plenty of guys care about personality?
    -Really? I haven't met any.
    -What about Ben?
    -What about him?
    -He doesn't seem to care much about other people's appearances.
    -He made that comment on Facebook about the lady on TV...Maybe he does care and just won't admit it...
    -You're crazy. He's not shallow, he likes you the way you are.
    -He'd like me a lot better if I were thinner...
    -Bull fucking crap!
    -I'm not good enough as I am. He looks so great and handsome, I'm just not in his league...
    -Uhhh...yeah, you are.
    -I don't believe you...
    -If you want to lose weight for him, fine. But nonetheless, don't go starving yourself. He wouldn't like to see you dead. He probably hasn't acknowledged it aloud, but he's likely noticed your rushed leaves and quietness. He's concerned for you...
    -If he were, he'd talk to me. So, I don't believe that either.
    -You have a remarkable amount of things in common. Music is a big one especially. He must like you deep down...
    -Would he tap me? Unthinkable!
    -You don't know can you say that?
    -I guess maybe you have a slight point. I just presume that-
    -EXACTLY! You ASSUME! Stop it! You obviously don't know him well enough to make judgment.
    -But what's to know? He's a guy, and most guys think the same way...with the heads between their legs.
    -You're being ridiculous!
    -AM I? There's obviously a good reason why so many guys in our culture strive to get the best looking bodies...
    -It's an interesting phenomenon, I'll give you that. But really. Are they really who you want to be with?
    -Are they worth it? Most of them don't have personalities beyond their good looks.
    -I know a few that do. Guys who look good AND do have personalities, interests, likes and dislikes, talents...
    -Well, what do you define as looking “good”?
    -A hot body to me is one that has prominent musculature, very well toned, not necessarily completely smooth skin, but not so hairy.
    -Will starving yourself get to that point?
    -Ultimately, yes.
    -Really? Last time I checked, when you fast for the right amount of time, it eats away at muscle tissue.
    -Well, my first goal is to reach the slender ideal, cut the fat and get very lean. Then when I reach the point-
    -And just WHERE is that point? Huh? How much is enough?
    -I dunno exactly where the line is, but I know that there is a point beyond where it's “too much”. It looks emaciated and very unhealthy. I don't plan to reach that.
    -You won't see it.
    -Really? I don't believe that. Mirrors don't lie, and I know what I see in the mirror is the truth. I don't have weird hallucinations like some people do. What I see is perfectly frank and brutally honest. I'm just really fucking critical.
    -Yeah, you set your standards high. Very high. And you're so unbelievably harsh to yourself. Don't you think it's unhealthy?
    -It's debatable. It's all relative the experience. Maybe I am harsh, but with the progress I've seen, it obviously works, doesn't it?
    -But are you happy?
    -Not yet...
    -You should be happy throughout the process. It shouldn't feel like a chore.
    -But it IS a chore. It's just something I have to do. Everyday. And I think of all the delicious things that I have to give up to maintain myself. Salads don't really wow me...
    -Maybe they could if you tried new things.
    -Eh, they're vegetables. They're all pretty icky to me.
    -You have to eat the freshest ones.
    -It's hard to find super fresh at reasonable prices.
    -Perhaps, but if this were so important to you, you'd find a way.

    To be continued...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2011 4:55 AM GMT
    Thanks for posting--that gives us some insight into what the experience might be like that we otherwise wouldn't have access to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2011 4:59 AM GMT
    You never stop being anorexic, though. Once that door opens you'll always be in danger of relapsing. You have to constantly keep yourself in check.