Pursue friendship or dating- flirt or hold back?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2011 11:46 PM GMT
    I have my first intense crush in years and need help. I met the guy online (he approached me) two months ago and we met for coffee. I was immediately drawn to his energy, compassion, smarts, life experiences, and rugged look. He’s hard working yet still spends time with family and volunteers.

    After I left the café, I felt inspired to do more and have made positive changes. That night I sent him a text saying it was great to meet and I wanted to meet up sometime the coming week. His response was tepid and I backed off. Since then he texted me, would call to chat, and we made plans to meet up again, but just for lunch. I felt the same chemistry again, our personalities seem to mesh, we challenge each other, and I left feeling high.

    The following week he got in touch by text and asked if I was a “big dater.” I didn’t know what he meant and let myself think he was trying to gauge my interest in dating. I dove right in and told him I’m interested in dating when I meet an attractive man and I think he is attractive and I’d date him, but am open minded to friendship. He responded he occasionally goes on dates, but his life is crazy right now (works incessantly) and needs more time to himself, needs more friends (moved to area last year), but he’s glad we met. My balloon was burst.

    Yet he continues to text me unprompted, call me to say hello, and laughs at my jokes. It feels like he’s flirting at times. I decided to back off again and hope he tries to make plans to meet-up. I don’t bug him, he usually texts me first, but occasionally I’ll say hello or ask how he is.

    Am I wasting my time? I feel like I put myself out there already and it’s his move. I’d like to find a way to flirt more, make myself more attractive to him, but not do anything to scare him away. Any thoughts on what I should do? Develop the friendship? Be more bold? Thanks, guys!


  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Feb 12, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    I'm not an expert, nor do I play one on TV...

    I would continue to get to know him as friends and see where it goes. Pushing too hard for a dating relationship may hurt the development of a deep and meaningful friendship. I more is to be there between, it will develop organically.
  • AddisonTx

    Posts: 3

    Feb 12, 2011 2:02 AM GMT
    My two cents...if he is texting you all the time, he is thinking of you all the time. His "big dater" comment is probably coming from him not wanting to devote time to dating (at this time?). You could suggest meeting up to explore/acclimate to the area if he is new. Although, he may be wanting to get past the dating part straight-away. Your call on how to proceed. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 2:50 AM GMT
    You really have to take him at his word. If he says he doesn't want to date, then he must mean he doesn't want to date.

    Can you be his friend without the hope that it might turn into something romantic?
    This is what he's asking.
    If you still have feelings for him, then maybe take a little time away from him.

    Some guys are flirty by nature or play up the flirtations because it yields positive responses.
    If he tells you he just wants to be friends but you think his actions tell you he wants to develop something romantic, go with what he's actually telling you.
    You think he's conflicted? Give him the time and space to figure out for himself what he really wants.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Feb 12, 2011 2:56 AM GMT
    Screw what we think. Is this the guy? If so, go after him! If not, and he is giving those creep signals, let him drift off in the breeze. I'm not clear how on the rest of us got involved anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 3:29 AM GMT
    Ermine saidYou really have to take him at his word. If he says he doesn't want to date, then he must mean he doesn't want to date.

    Can you be his friend without the hope that it might turn into something romantic?
    This is what he's asking.
    If you still have feelings for him, then maybe take a little time away from him.

    Some guys are flirty by nature or play up the flirtations because it yields positive responses.
    If he tells you he just wants to be friends but you think his actions tell you he wants to develop something romantic, go with what he's actually telling you.
    You think he's conflicted? Give him the time and space to figure out for himself what he really wants.


    Thanks for your reply. I think this is good advice. I guess I'll do what I've been doing- back off and see what happens. I've had crushes in the past that dissipate over time if nothing happens. He didn't rule out dating me, at least not directly, but maybe he was just being nice. In any case, he likes me as a person. And I think you're right- he probably likes the attention the flirting gives him.

    The other night, he texted me something and I gave him a sassy reply. He said "ouch!" and then I replied "oh c'mon, you can take it"- meaning the teasing. He wrote back "take what?". I knew it was time to quit and go to bed. :-P
  • mybud

    Posts: 11832

    Feb 12, 2011 3:35 AM GMT
    Personally I think you need to be more direct...You need to say....I'm attracted to ya....I love your personally...etc...let's go on a date and see if there's magic....If he draws back from ya...then you'll know....You're in limbo ...action changes things...my 2 bits....BUD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 4:09 AM GMT
    Doesn't actually seem that you were direct with him although I'm sure he knows you're into him. If I were you, I'd try to be friends and see where that goes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    You my friend is a bottom! Am I right? icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    brueges said
    Ermine saidYou really have to take him at his word. If he says he doesn't want to date, then he must mean he doesn't want to date.

    Can you be his friend without the hope that it might turn into something romantic?
    This is what he's asking.
    If you still have feelings for him, then maybe take a little time away from him.

    Some guys are flirty by nature or play up the flirtations because it yields positive responses.
    If he tells you he just wants to be friends but you think his actions tell you he wants to develop something romantic, go with what he's actually telling you.
    You think he's conflicted? Give him the time and space to figure out for himself what he really wants.


    Thanks for your reply. I think this is good advice. I guess I'll do what I've been doing- back off and see what happens. I've had crushes in the past that dissipate over time if nothing happens. He didn't rule out dating me, at least not directly, but maybe he was just being nice. In any case, he likes me as a person. And I think you're right- he probably likes the attention the flirting gives him.

    The other night, he texted me something and I gave him a sassy reply. He said "ouch!" and then I replied "oh c'mon, you can take it"- meaning the teasing. He wrote back "take what?". I knew it was time to quit and go to bed. :-P


    I think you got your answer here. You put yourself out there and said how you felt and he pretty much said he wanted to be friends. Like you said MAYBE he is just being nice, but maybe he really isn't ready for a relationship and it has nothing to do with you personally. I would take him for what he says and just leave it at that. If you want to be friends with him, be friends with him. If you keep pushing it, you could push him away completely, even as a friend.

    I commend you for being honest though and putting your feelings on the table! That is great and more guys need to do that. Keep up that attitude in the future and you will find a guy for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 4:28 AM GMT
    I think that both of you are making the right moves! please take it slow and just enjoy the friendship for now! it is unfortunate that most gay men do not seem to appreciate nor find the huge advantage and value in it thou. I have a rule that seems to be working for me lately: If there is no room for friendship there won't be none left for a relationship!


    Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 5:56 AM GMT
    wow! it just goes to show the diverse little community we have on here to have so many different reactions to the same statement...

    for the record, i originally took the 'are you a big dater' comment, as a question meaning, 'do you date a lot of people' or 'if i'm interested am i going to be competing with others'... of course that could be the way you phrased it, or it could just be the way i see the world...

    in any case, i agree, you've put it out there and now it is his turn to request a date, if he wants one... that said, that all sounds like a game to me... he may have been taken aback at the moment and think he's missed his timing, he may now think you're not interested, as it would seem that he is proactive with most of the initial contact... if you think he's worth it, it may be worth giving it a little time, then asking him out directly again... if he bounces you again though, you'll defo need to let up for fear of losing a developing friendship!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 6:24 AM GMT
    Oh no, everyone's going to hate this. In this particular situation I'd just say,
    "Hey, I'd really really enjoy seeing you more."
    I'm not one for suspense and would rather not sweat with uncertain hope.


    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 6:28 AM GMT
    I think you should tell him that you want more than friendship. That you want to date him. If he backs off, then you know how he feels, and he no longer can control you. You will have taken charge.
    Because if you two can't be direct with each other, is there even a basis for friendship? Enough of acting coy.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Feb 12, 2011 6:28 AM GMT
    that's sounds good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 11:54 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone for the thoughtful advice. I guess I'll just see what happens. I forgot something else I said. I had deleted the texts so I'd stop reading them!

    After I said I'd date him and he replied his life is crazy right now, I mentioned my experience has been that if a guy is interested, even if he's very busy, he usually finds time. His response was that he needs [name] time at the moment. I said, I hope he'd find time that weekend and to give himself a big hug. He thought that was funny. icon_smile.gif

    We'll see... it's nice to have something intriguing to think about thought even if it doesn't materialize; makes me fee more alive.
  • MrNomis

    Posts: 268

    Feb 12, 2011 11:59 AM GMT
    make a great friend and you never know he may become your bestfriend aka life partner.. most of the time in gay relationships men tend to rush into things and really do not build a foundation based on friendship. Just be honest in the process
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 12:08 PM GMT
    76coopers said

    for the record, i originally took the 'are you a big dater' comment, as a question meaning, 'do you date a lot of people' or 'if i'm interested am i going to be competing with others'... of course that could be the way you phrased it, or it could just be the way i see the world...

    in any case, i agree, you've put it out there and now it is his turn to request a date, if he wants one... that said, that all sounds like a game to me... he may have been taken aback at the moment and think he's missed his timing, he may now think you're not interested, as it would seem that he is proactive with most of the initial contact... if you think he's worth it, it may be worth giving it a little time, then asking him out directly again... if he bounces you again though, you'll defo need to let up for fear of losing a developing friendship!


    I think that's what he meant by the comment- do I go on a lot of dates? The truth, at the time, was that I did, but I didn't want to say that and have since decided to take a short break from it all. Not to focus on him, but ground myself in other things.

    I'll work on the friendship for now. See if he even has time for that. If he doesn't initiate hanging out as friends, it would just be frustrating trying to date anyway. Can't date a guy you only see every few weeks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 12, 2011 7:02 PM GMT
    Yeah, if you don't see someone very often, it can't be dating. But at least be real with each other, and don't skirt around issues.
    You could have a beautiful friendship, I guess.