Help, I am confused :(

  • sensible

    Posts: 40

    Feb 12, 2011 6:22 PM GMT
    So I definitely know I am gay because I like men a lot, but I recently started going out with a girl.

    Background: I was new to the city, she asked me out, I said why not. Then she called me to her house for dinner, and we ended up having sex.

    The problem is, for the first time in my life I masturbated while thinking about having sex with a girl. Before going to her house for the second time, I jerked off while thinking of her. I tried to picturize men but my thought went back to sex with her. This has never happened before, I have always masturbated while thinking about men. I am really worried because I want to stay gay.

    There is no element of love involved, I can have emotional attachment to men only; I am more than sure about that. Is this just a phase? I tried to delay the second meeting but she just kept on insisting. I am thinking of just stopping all this sex with her, but am afraid she would really feel bad.
    Help please!

    P.S I am not out to anyone so suddenly can't say to her that now I am gay!
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    Feb 12, 2011 6:52 PM GMT
    Finding our true sexual orientation can work both ways. More often with confused men it seems to take us out of denial and into realizing we're gay. But maybe you are bi, or straight after all.

    No answer is wrong, nor should shame you. The important thing is to identify the real you, and to live that life, whatever it is. There's nothing wrong with being straight, it's only wrong to try to pretend you're straight when you're really bi or gay.

    You can't force yourself to be one or the other -- you will be who you already are. Now don't get upset, relax, and see what develops.

    As many straights would like to believe of us, this may just be a "phase" driven by circumstance and the novelty of it, and will fade with time. Or grow stronger, and then you'll know. Let it run its course, don't fight it. However it turns out, if you listen carefully to your heart, you'll make the right choice, and that's all that matters. Do that and you can't lose. Good luck!
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    Feb 12, 2011 7:25 PM GMT
    Don't get too caught up on labeling yourself gay/straight/bi. When the right person comes along you will know what is right for you.

    Until then get out there and enjoy all the experiences that life has on offer for you.
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    Feb 12, 2011 7:33 PM GMT



    See this?

    shades of gray

    For the sake of this exercise we'll call the black end gay and the white end straight. All the shades of gray are BI. Likely you're very near the gay end of things. Many Bi men are very near the white end of things; they like men for sex but would never fall for one because they prefer women. You're the opposite; you enjoy this gal for sex but when comes to big love, desire a man.

    You're also discovering more about you, so this speculation of mine may change as you slide back and forth through the shades of gray til you find a comfy fit that best describes you.

    -Doug
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    Feb 12, 2011 9:38 PM GMT
    I completely understand your situation. I was straight once, then bi, then gay/bi. I know that doesn't make sense to most people, and I don't expect them to comprehend it (and they probably will never comprehend it because they have to have been in my shoes in order to do so). I still get sexually attracted to certain types of women (and I'm not talking about "butch" women). However--and here's the caveat--when I'm "dating" a woman, I lose all interest in men; and when I'm "dating" a man, I lose all interest in women (unless I'm "triangulating"). Go figure! Botttom line is, there's nothing wrong with you. Enjoy it--you're blessed with a healthy appreciation for all forms of sexuality!
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    Feb 14, 2011 2:40 AM GMT
    sensible saidSo I definitely know I am gay because I like men a lot, but I recently started going out with a girl.

    Background: I was new to the city, she asked me out, I said why not. Then she called me to her house for dinner, and we ended up having sex.

    The problem is, for the first time in my life I masturbated while thinking about having sex with a girl. Before going to her house for the second time, I jerked off while thinking of her. I tried to picturize men but my thought went back to sex with her. This has never happened before, I have always masturbated while thinking about men. I am really worried because I want to stay gay.

    There is no element of love involved, I can have emotional attachment to men only; I am more than sure about that. Is this just a phase? I tried to delay the second meeting but she just kept on insisting. I am thinking of just stopping all this sex with her, but am afraid she would really feel bad.
    Help please!

    P.S I am not out to anyone so suddenly can't say to her that now I am gay!



    Dear Sensible,


    From what I've read you are in a very odd position right now to really define your sexuality much less let those you care and love know! having said that please please know that love or having an emotional affinity with someone, in essence at the end is what will help you define who you really are, as well which of the two will reciprocate such feelings best. And like someone already said you may be BI, and that is fine so as long as those you are involved with knows and accepts it!

    Sensible just remember thou that ultimately what really matters is that you feel loved and that you love he or she the same way they make you feel when you are loved. The rest is really up to you to decide! confused still? don't feel bad sweetheart, because once you come out that state of mind, you are going to be glad you were! consider confusion as a buoy that will keep you afloat while you search and decide which place to call home.

    Leandro ♥
  • sensible

    Posts: 40

    Feb 14, 2011 7:04 AM GMT
    Thanks guys, reading your responses did calm me down instead of freaking out. I think as Art_Deco said, I should let things run their course. Maybe its just the novelty of it that is attracting me towards sex with her.

    Thanks again icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 14, 2011 9:53 AM GMT
    My parents don’t like the person that I love because of race,
    age, religion, etc. - what can I do to make them to see things my way?
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    Feb 14, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    Yeah don't get so hung up with labels you can't control who you feel sexually attracted to. But if you find that you can only have deep meaningful relationships with other men, then perhaps you should clarify with her that you are not currently looking for anything serious. This way she doesn't get hurt.
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    Feb 14, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    You're 24, I agree with others, don't label yourself but instead learn what's out there. Experiencing both sexes physically and emotionally will allow you to grow more in understanding and experience.

    Have fun, take notes, the final test is sometime off into the future!

    Good luck.